Weezer
“Raditude”
DGC/Interscope

Yeah right, sike! I didn’t actually waste my time listening to this new Weezer record. I mean why would I? We already know it sucks, let’s get totally real people! I heard the lead single that sounds like Fall Out Boy and then I read somewhere that Lil Wayne makes a guest appearance on the album, two reasons why I’m smart for not listening to this record.

Hey Rivers, as a friend I’ve got to tell you a few things. You know the weird nerd character you created for yourself and that evenutally you became? Well it worked pretty good in the 90s at least until after you lost Matt Sharp (or maybe it somewhere around the time of that Green Record) cuz  you just sorta lost touch and your disconnection has only gotten worse and worse, not to mention more embarrassing, with every release you put out. You definitely need to change things up cuz I hate to see you like this dude. I would say listen to the song by The Dwarves called “Teenage Women & Free Cocaine!”, take two and call me in the morning.

Here’s the deal man… Brian Bell is cool, he was even nice enough to come to one of my shitty BBQ’s and pretend he wasn’t bummed he showed up, but he’s not gonna tell you your shit is wack cuz he’s on the payroll. So knowing that and not knowing the drummer dude Pat or whoever is on bass these days, I feel like it’s my job to set you straight. Who else is gonna? Not Josh Freese man, he’s not really in the band. That would be weird. Plus I’m sure your judgement is clouded and your ego is re-enforced by your record sales so you prolly won’t believe any naysayers anyways. But I gotta try.

So I’m shooting from the hip when I say this: You are sucking dude! You need to go back and figure out who the fuck you were when you wrote those first two records man cuz you’re totally tripping these days. If you need help, I’m really cheap to hire. Have your people call my people and we’ll set something up pronto!

We don’t have the Axl Rose rating system in play yet, cuz of some webmaster setbacks, so I figured I’d just give this record my own Axl rating.

Axl is letting his freak flag fly and doesn’t give a flying fuck! Cuz he knows even at the peak of his lameness (ie: cornrolls, Chinese Democracy, No Izzy, No Duffy, No Slash, No Popcorn, just Dizzy, Bumblefoot and some other goons in tow) he will never suck as hard as this Weezer record does.

I mean how can he as long as he owns that fuckin’ hat?

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