Them Crooked Vultures
“S/T”
Interscope

Finally, something I was excited to hear came in the mail! Finally something good to listen to! Ahh!

Getting this record in the mail was news to me that their label, Interscope Records, was still in the business of trying to sell rock n’ roll. I thought the label’s boss and once engineer to John Lennon and Tom Petty producer, Jimmy Lovine, had ditched his beloved rock n’ roll for modern junk-food garbage music that he pumps out like a slave labor run factory! Actually I’ve never met homeboy, but that don’t matt cuz he is the reason we have to hear musical-AIDS like Black Eye Peas, Lady Gaga, Thimbaland, LMFAO, Shwayze, Diddy, 50 Cent, Eminem and a bunch more crap that clogs up popular music today. Thanks for your contribution to our already shitty culture Jimmy! Your legacy will basically be a crusty dog turd. Oh wait I forgot Interscope. and Jimmy, have Puddle Of Mudd! I knew they had another rock band! I guess I just didn’t know they put out GOOD rock records too! Let alone ones with members from bands like Led Zeppelin (John Paul Jones), Nirvana (Dave Grohl) ON DRUMS and not singing Foo Fighter songs in the process – which is a double win for everyone!), Josh Homme (Queen of The Stone Age) singing as well as laying down “crunchy riffs on guitar” and Alain Johannes (Eleven, QOTSA) on second ripping axe and I’m gonna guess production as well. But I was too lazy to read the liner notes or wikipedia that shit, so don’t quote me boy, cuz I ain’t said shit!

Yep, most of the press have already crowned this band a super group and have named their debut, “rock record of the year”. I think they’re about half right. This is a super group for sure and this band’s self titled debut is for sure one of the best records of the year. But I don’t know about number one. But then again, I don’t have a better idea for the number one spots of best rock record that came out in 2009. So maybe it is… I guess that paragraph was pointless, I just changed my mind.

Plus I know it’s lame but I just can’t help comparing it to “Songs From The Deaf” from Queens of The Stone Age due to the obvious fact that on both albums Dave Grohl is playing drums and Josh Homme is the lead singer/guitar player so it sounds similar. Them Crooked Vultures does have one advantage though, John Paul Jones kicking ass on bass guitar only in a way a member of Led Zeppelin could do. But if you wanna talk super groups, plus a record that has “peaks and valleys” with it’s wide array of vocals, Queens of The Stone Age on “Songs For The Deaf” era had Mark Lanegan (from Screaming Trees) and his whiskey drenched vocals and the band also had that “crazy naked punk bald guy on bass who scared the shit outta you,” Nick Oliveri. I know how hard it is when two long time friends finally move on in different directions, so I’ll leave the Nick subject at that at that. Plus their new bass player Mikey Shoes is not only a close friend but one hell of a ripper on his bass too. Either way, please don’t punch me Josh cuz this is a good review and I fucking love you man! And I say that anytime the singer is 6’4 and living in the same city as I do. It’s just instinct man.
.
So yeah, I’m so that guy now. I’m the guy that actually said that this record doesn’t stack up to “Songs For The Deaf”. Nobody likes that guy. And the band, they really don’t like that guy. But for some reason I had to say it, and I did, so let’s move on and hope nobody beats my face in.

So anyways, back to the record I’m reviewing… I still feel the same way now that I felt about this band the first time I heard “New Fang” from the Them Crooked Vultures debut:

“Listen up here kids: The first time I put this song on my stereo my girlfriend went into a trance and just started dancing to the beat and grinding me like a professional dancer! And I’m not talking about a ballerina. Think more along the lines of Crazy Girls in 1990 right before punk broke and Kurdt Cobain ruined it for everyone! I was lucky my iTunes had this song on repeat cuz by the second time this jam kicked in both my clothes and my girlfriend’s clothes were in a pile a few feet from us and her dancing turned into both of us moving to the beat of the song on the floor. Now that’s what a rock n’ roll song is supposed to do! Get inside you and give you that warm fuzzy feeling that makes you wanna love the one you’re with! I even found you an mp3 so you can play it on your iPod while you work out at the gym Patrick Bateman style, you sick fucks.”

“Finally, a record I’m excited about.” I wrote. And exciting it is, you’ve got three of the best in rock music doing what they do best… ripping! But it’s almost too many riffs! Wait, did I actually say that? I think this may be the first time a record has rocked too much for me. I’d really like to see these guys come out with a second record that has a few more shades to it than this one does. I think this is a great first album, I give it a B+, a scratch n’ sniff sticker of a tire (the one that smells like gas) and my constructive criticism is that it’s kinda like being stuck in fifth gear the whole time. So I guess if you’re on meth, adderall, cocaine, crank or yer just really up-beat, then this could be your new favorite record!

Ok real talk: I wasn’t that impressed with Dave Grohl’s performance on this disc. Ok, dont’ get me wrong… I can’t do that, he’s still Dave Fucking Grohl AKA one of the best rock drummers in the world (some would argue that he is the very best). But what I’m saying is I wasn’t shocked with his playing on this record like I was shocked the first time I heard “Songs For The Deaf”. Homeboy really raised the bar on that one.

And gold stars for Josh cuz I think his voice sounds as good, if not better, than it ever has. I can’t put my finger on it yet, but whatever Josh is doing different on these jams with his voice, it’s totally working! Plus no one has better stage banter, if Josh wasn’t already busy being in like four or five rock bands already I’d suggest that he give stand-up comedy a spin.

But even with those two rock star dudes in the band, the real rock star of this band, especially when you see them live, is the one and only John Paul Jones. I don’t care if these dudes start making nu-metal records, I’ll still go see them every time they play live just to see JPJ show ‘em all how it’s really done. I was lucky enough to catch the band’s first Los Angeles show at The Roxy and like anyone else with a clue would do, I stood on JPJ’s side the entire time. I was like two feet from the man and his shit-grin-plastered face. Dude was stoked to be there, which made the show that much better to be in the crowd. Seeing as how Led Zeppelin was the first rock n’ roll band I ever got into and I never thought I’d get to see any of the members play music live (cuz someone fucked up – I was born WAY too late, I missed everything – didn’t even get the death rattle of rock n’ roll!) it’s safe to say I felt like I was 14 at this show cuz all I could think about was “HOLY SHIT THAT’S THE DUDE WHO WROTE NO QUARTER”! And “HOLY FUCK, THAT’S JOHN PAUL JONES! HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR ROCK N’ ROLL! I WILL NEVER BE THAT COOL!” and neither will you!  Deal with it, I have.

But I got a question? Does JPJ live in a castle like Jimmy Page? I wanna live in a fucking castle!

The other thing is… Them Crooked Vultures are really fucking LOUD! So loud my ears rang like sirens for about three hours after they stopped playing.  I’m already pretty fucking deaf, I didn’t wear ear plugs during My Bloody Valentine at the Santa Monica Civic Center or The El Rey and my ears were fine. So I guess it’s “thanks for the permanent hearing damage” Dave, Josh, Alain and JPJ cuz you’re louder than Kevin Shields and his buddies! And that’s saying a lot. Ok, you did good… you made it to the end of my review, reward yourself now.

Popularity: 1%