THE TRUTH DON’T JUST HURT…IT BLEEDS: Jared Swilley’s ‘Official Statement’ On His ‘Fight’ With Wavves!
So, Wavves and Jared Swilley of the Black Lips finally threw down last night at Daddy’s Bar in Brooklyn.
This is a fight that had been brewing for some time, what with Wavves acting like a pussy and the hillbilly calling him a pussy and so on.
Well, it was bloody.
And Travis is BUMMED because apparently he bet on the wrong skinny white dude.
Yep, according to some Vegan in Brooklyn, Wavves opened a can of American Apparel on that hillbilly ass.
Here’s Haircut’s ‘official statement’:”
“Talking shit about me on the Internet is one thing, I can handle that all day but when some dude is just looking for a fight at 4 in the morning talking shit to my face and his girlfriend is spitting in the face of all my friends it’s a whole different story. I have no problem wih black lips or anybody else that i havent met but jared has been at me every chance he had. I just want to play music and have fun. It was unfortunate that it escalated to that point but he got what was coming to him.”- Nathan Williams (WAVVES)
And that’s a real cute story, Nate-Dogg, but Buddyhead’s calling bullshit.
Mostly because a walking spaghetti noodle with a terrible haircut doesn’t typically beat up rednecks- much less while wearing a cast on one arm.
There’s also the problem of Wavves’ ‘Official Statement’ bearing no resemblance to the incident we’ve been hearing about. And because we want to be nuking the right skinny white guy, we looked into it.
Turns out the Brooklyn Vegan’s source – whose Twitter username is PopJew (NO JOKE!) might not have been such an objective observer during this ‘Clash of the Wieners”.
You see, PopJew’s droogs happen also to be Wavves’ droogs. And you know how droogs in Brooklyn can be.
Plus, she tweets things like: .
…Wavves was actually the least dick person in that fight last night.
And just how many dicks were in that fight, Pilgrim?
We knew there was something more to this.
So Buddyhead placed a call deep into the hills of Georgia and got an ‘Official Statement’ from Jared Swilley himself. And he has a much better explanation for the bleeding:
“First of all, I just wanna say that Wavves was NOT involved in that fight. That faggot didn’t even touch me.
I’ve never “come after” that kid, it wasn’t four a.m., that wasn’t my girlfriend, no one was spitting, and I didn’t attack him. I don’t give a shit about that kid and his music.
What happened was, after we finished our set I went to Daddy’s with some friends and saw that faggot from Wavves talking to a photographer friend of mine. The only thing I did was walk up to him and say “You’re that faggot from Wavves and I don’t like you”. He smiled a bit but didn’t say anything.
After that, I went outside and saw their tour manager hanging around with some guys. They started getting all chuckles with me and so I told them I wasn’t gonna have it. After that, Wavves tour manager hit me square in the face with a bottle. Blood started pouring out and six dudes fucking started kicking me until I blacked out.
All I remember is getting hit with the bottle and my friends dragging me to another bar. They wrapped my head up until I looked like a Confederate soldier.
So yeah, I lost the fight.
I also missed three flights. I’ve been in the airport all day having stewardesses cleaning my head because it kept cracking open. You can’t go on board if you’re bleeding.
Bottom line is that faggot from Wavves didn’t even hit me. Never touched me. And he should’ve, cuz he had a free shot.
He’s coming to Atlanta October 3rd and we’re gonna get ugly on him. We’re gonna destroy their van, we’re gonna destroy their faces, we’re gonna get crazy on em’. Nasty style.
Damn. We certainly hope Wavves isn’t trying to take toughboy credit for a fight won by a beer bottle and six of his closest friends. Because if that’s the case, no one’s gonna feel bad about what’s gonna happen to the little dude in Georgia.
That said, we here at Buddyhead might advocate destroying vans, but we don’t advocate violence between skinny white dudes unless we’re making money off of it.
Which is exactly why we asked Jared if a boxing match might be a better way to settle this Brooklyn Beef. Jared replied:
“Hell yeah, I’ll put some gloves on and kick that kid’s ass! As long as it’s just him and not his tour manager and six other dudes. Let’s do it.”
Buddyhead is already putting together a list of sponsors.
If Jared Swilley wins, Wavves gets a public haircut and has to spell his band name correctly. And if Wavves gives him some more of “what he’s got coming”, Jared has to learn how to read.
Ball’s in your court, Nate-Dogg. But you’re tough, right?
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chip go to bed.
im kinda excited too though!