Hi. You got problems? Well, I’ve got answers. I’m Sexual Ryan and I’m here to help you nerds. You might have seen my post asking for new Sex Questions last week. Here’s the deal… I was a pussy when I was 19 and wrote the sex advice column for Buddyhead back when crabcore was something you got from girls in the Valley, but I had to stop because writing a sex advice column gets you laid like you wouldn’t believe and there just wasn’t enough time in the day to do both. Naturally, like any strapping young dude I ditched the column in favor of the tail. Anyhow, now that I’m older and wiser (I’m 30) not only do I totally fucking rule but I can handle both. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re probably a pussy too. Don’t stress cuz I can help. Read on brothers and sisters cuz I’m back for more, only this time I’ve got a better hairstyle and way better advice too. It’s a win-win for everyone, so send me your burning questions and I’ll give you the answers your weirdo health teacher with the thick mustache never would. And I didn’t read this shit from some book, son, I got it from fucking. A lot of fucking, too. So you know you can trust me. I’m like Dr. Drew, but without the arrogance, insatiable need to be a celebrity and fake tan. Email your freaky questions to sexualryan@buddyhead.com and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. And by the way, I could take a while cuz I’m pretty awesome and I do lots of cool shit. So don’t get all mad if you don’t get a response within a reasonable amount of time. I ain’t fucking Domino’s Pizza ferchrissakes.

- Sexual Ryan

Q: Tossing a girl’s salad. Yay or nay? And how do you know if she wants it done or not?

~Dude

A: Dude, tossing a girl’s salad ain’t like fast food. Each one is different. So for some, it might be yay. Others nay. There are two ways to go about this. Number one, ask a female is she’s into it. If she’s never had it done before, the answer is guaranteed to be “no.” In these instances, it’s your job to show her that the poop shoot can be a totally different kind of party than the one she’s used to. To accomplish this, get her drunk off cheap red wine. It can be expensive if you want, but why waste money? If your lady is down with weed, you might wanna get her high, too. It might be a good idea for you to get drunk/high as well because it’s gonna take some guts to do what I’m about to tell you to do. Ok, so you’re in the sack and shit’s going well. Take one hand and rub her clit. When I was a wee lad, I just jammed my fingers in there and pounded away. But as an older, more mature adult, I realized that women like that shit rubbed. So rub for crying out loud. While you’re rubbing, run your hands along the back of her thighs in a soft, slow manner. Guys, this is very important. I said SOFT AND SLOW. Yes, we wanna get to fucking as soon as possible, but women aren’t like us. They like romance and shit. So you’re going soft and slow and as you’re doing this, your hand crawls up her leg and toward the backside as sort of a test to see how she might feel about the nether region cuz the last thing you want is to just go for it. More caressing should go down right about the part where leg becomes taint. Once you’re there, see how she’s responding. If you’re doing what you should be doing with her clit, then she’ll be so into anything that salad tossing will be fair game. One final hurdle: As you’re about to stick your head where the sun don’t shine in hopes of getting all kinds of nasty back there, look her in the eyes and see what’s doing. If the wine/weed/clit combo is working, she’ll go for it. If not, she’s either too young to understand that your tongue in her ass is cool or she’s the type who’ll never come around to that sort of thing. The good news is, you’ve still got the vag to wax, so either way, you win!

Q: My boyfriend wants me to use a strap on with him. How do I do that? Is he going to like it? Does this mean he’s gay?

A: I’ll answer the last question first. Are you a female? If the answer is yes, then no, your boyfriend is not gay. If it’s done between a male and female, it’s not gay. The exception, of course, is marriage, but that’s a totally different kind of gay. Is he going to like it? He’s asking for it, isn’t he? I hate to be the bearer of news you might not want to hear, but if your boyfriend is asking you to strap one on and fuck his ass, that means he’s done this before. A lot. He’s not going to like it. He’s going to love it. Now the tricky part – how to do this. You’re used to getting fucked, but not fucking. There’s a major difference and luckily for you, I’m going to help you get through this trying but eventually fruitful time. First, drink beer, preferably shitty stuff. Then watch some sports. But none of that soccer shit, real sports like football, basketball, hockey or boxing. Better yet, MMA. Yeah, watch MMA. As you’re watching two mostly naked sweaty dudes roll on the floor, don’t think about how you as a female would like to fuck them. Instead, keep drinking until you think you could kick both their asses. And make sure you’re playing with the balls you don’t have as you’re watching. That’s key. When the case of beer is gone and the game is over, put on the second side of Black Flag’s “My War.” Girls hate that shit, but guys love it and if you haven’t noticed by now, I’m trying to get you to think like a guy. The tunes are done and it’s time to get to buttfucking. Go into your closet, pull out that strap-on you bought at the sex shop, grab your boyfriend and tell him that this exact moment is when you’re going to fuck his ass. Ask him how he wants it, but don’t listen to his answer. Give it to him hard. As for the actual motion in the proverbial ocean, act like you’re trying to close a drawer without the use of your hands. Thrust like that a few times and you’ll be a regular fucker in no time.

Q: I like doggy-style sex but often find it makes me need a wee, to the point of being uncomfortable. This despite emptying my bladder before sex. Any suggestions?

A: Yes. Piss. Get a vinyl sheet to cover your bed, buy some inexpensive sheets and let loose. You’re uncomfortable because you have to pee. Just last week I was driving down the street and had to go so bad, I pulled behind a gas station, opened my car door and let freedom ring. The rest of my drive home was as smooth as a baby’s ass. If golden showers aren’t your bag, you could always interrupt coitus, hit the pisser and return. Just make sure you wipe first.

Q: Recently, a guy I was seeing got a bacterial infection down there after trying anal with me without a condom! How do I explain to a guy that despite what he might have seen in porn, it’s just not hygenic to have vaginal sex straight after anal sex?

A: I’ll answer your question with a question: You have a mouth, right? My advice would be to sit down before you fuck and say, “Hey, remember last time when you stuck it in my ass, then my cooter? Let’s not do that again, at least without a condom.” If he doesn’t want to do this, he deserves every bacterial infection he’s ever going to get. And trust me, he’ll get his share.

Q: My man is great in bed in many ways; however, he makes a weird growling noise when he comes. How do I get past that?

A: Huh? Your man is so into you that he makes strange noises and you’re complaining? Embrace this shit. That’s how you get past it.

Q: Is it fair that bad kissing should put you off a guy completely?

A: Yes and no. Yes if it’s a dude you are just hooking up with. If the intent is strictly physical and he can’t come through with the easiest task of all, then ditch him. No, if this is a relationship with feelings and shit. Then kissing is merely one aspect of a much larger picture. If we’re talking relationship, then take your tongue out of his mouth and tell him what you want. You see people, it’s like this: When you’re eating dinner and you pop the ol’ “we need to talk” speech, the person on the other end freaks out, especially when what you’re discussing is how shitty they are in the sack. But you know what fucking rules? When shit’s hot and heavy and a girl takes control and tells a guy what she wants. At that moment, no guy is thinking that he sucks at something. He just thinks you’re way into him and the moment and because he’s so awesome, he’s unleashed the demon from deep inside your wholesome self. This goes not just for kissing, but for everything. Tell us when we’re fucking. Not only will it not hurt our feelings, we’ll definitely remember it.

Q: Why do girls get so self conscious when they’re on top during sex?

A: Ring the bell because Sexual Ryan is stumped. Every girl I’ve ever “known” has loved being on top. Then again, when you’re on top of Sexual Ryan, it’s hard not to love that.

Q: I go to a lot of concerts and in the crowd a few guys always try to feel me up. How do I stop them from groping me? I just want to watch the show I paid to see.

A: If you’re getting groped at concerts, that means you’re crowd surfing or you’re at some of the most meathead shows of all time because I can’t imagine you, a female, standing there enjoying the band, and a dude comes up and grabs your tits. Maybe this happens, but it seems more like you’re crowd surfing. The simple solution: Quit being a 14-year-old and get your feet on the ground, where they’re supposed to be. No one likes a crowd surfer.

Q: Hand jobs without lube. Twice I have tried this and the guy has said “ouch.” Is it my technique or are “dry” hand jobs best avoided?

A: Dry hands suck. That’s why God gave us saliva.

Q: My wife of three years has a problem with me masturbating. At one point, we made a deal that I wouldn’t do it while she’s in the house. That would be just fine with me, except that she is rarely out of the house without me. Our sex is really, really great, but I’m pretty horny and I like to masturbate once in a while. She says that she feels like I’m cheating on her. About a year ago, I DID cheat on her—yes, I’m an idiot—and maybe this is my punishment, but I’ve always needed to masturbate a lot. I do it to relieve stress and sometimes just because I get horny and I want to stop being horny in a minute or two so that I can concentrate on something else. This just doesn’t have very much to do with her, and I feel stupid trying to justify myself to her on this matter. How do you think I should resolve this situation?

A: Keep jacking off, that’s how. Our other halves have plenty of areas where it’s perfectly acceptable to interfere with our lives. If you’re a slob and leave your work clothes near the front door every day, then yeah, someone should tell you to stop that. If you’re the type who thinks dishes wash themselves, then you need a talking to. But masturbating is something totally different. Can’t no man or woman tell another man or woman how or where to throw a pole. That shit just ain’t right. You could always tell your wife to help you if she feels like your whacking is cheating, but you bring up a good point that all women need to know. Ladies, sometimes we need to get in and get out. We call this commando jacking. It’s not that we don’t want to use your hand or even get into a full-on session, but sometimes we got things to do and don’t have an hour to kill before doing them. The combination of our hands plus our minds usually means we can get the job done in less than five minutes. It’s got nothing to do with you. It’s us. We’re sick, twisted and perverted.

Q: I am a straight 22-year-old male who identifies as a crossdresser. I enjoy it, and I’m OK with myself. But my ex-girlfriend revealed to me it made her feel like less of a woman and I was doing the female version of emasculation to her. (Ask.com says the word is “femasculation.”) How can I work through this with my ex so we can get back together?

A: You can’t. She ain’t into it and you are. She’s not the one for you. But someone out there is.

Q: I’m a 24-year-old guy, and I just got a blowjob from (and gave a half-assed one to) a transsexual male-to-female prostitute. It was no accident: I’d spent about two years looking at TS porn (as well as regular guys-doing-it-with-girls porn), and the whole thing seemed like a hot idea. But the plastic-surgery scars around her tits and her cock in my mouth kind of made me nauseated. I went through the motions only because I didn’t have the guts to walk out. (We both had condoms on.) I’m not sure if I can face my girlfriend of a year. I’ve been faithful to her until now, and I feel like crying. I don’t know if it’s because it was illegal (prostitution), because I was cheating on her (unfaithful) or because I can’t say I’m totally straight anymore (cock in my mouth). I don’t know how to tell my girlfriend. She knows I look at porn, but she doesn’t know I look at TS porn — no one does.

A: Is there a question here?

Q: I’m a 27-year-old bi girl, with a lovely fiancée. I’m a top; she’s a sub. I’m trying to be responsible, so this weekend I sat down and wrote my will. I hope I won’t need it anytime soon, but it makes me feel better to know friends and family will get what I want them to have before the IRS can take the rest. You have to specify each item and its recipient, and that’s where I ran into trouble. I want to leave my fiancée’s collar to her, rather than Uncle Sam, but wasn’t sure how specific I could be without either of us being prosecuted for practicing S&M, which is illegal under current laws in the state where I live. So I can’t say, “I’m leaving the S&M collar to my fiancée.” We don’t have a dog and aren’t going to get one, so writing “leather collar” looks strange and makes me nervous. Do you have any advice?

A: When you die, your fiancée can lie and say it’s hers. Who’s going to know the difference? And what backwards state do you live in where lesbians can get married but S&M is illegal?

Send me your questions, problems and cries for help: ryan@buddyhead.com

Popularity: 1%