Dear Persons of Buddyhead,

It has recently been announced that this year’s Scion Rock Festival, sponsored by said car company and some youth magazine, will be in my hometown – Columbus, OH. Since tickets are free and bands like Shrinebuilder, Cannibal Corpse, Pelican, D.R.I. and YOB will be playing this year, it’s obvious that Columbus will shortly be flooded with crusty metalheads and clean metalhipsters from across America and Canada. I thought I could provide an introduction to Columbus for Buddyhead readers that might be in attendance.

Let’s start with the clubs attendees will be seeing:

Skully’s and Circus – 1151 North High Street and 1227 North High Street

Both of these clubs are owned by the same people, and as such share similar design aesthetics – something along the lines of what would happen if you let the cast from The Jersey Shore decorate. Drinks can get pricey at both places, but this is Columbus pricey, so if you’re coming from NY or LA you’ll be pleased at the cheap selection. Circus offers PBR in cheap 24oz cans, so at least you can get trashed real quick and easy if the decor starts melting your eyeballs.

Inside you'll find lots of leopard print and mirrors.

The Newport - 1722 North High Street

Every city of decent size usually has a venue like this – a theater built decades ago perfect for those mid-sized acts popular enough to draw a couple thousand but not yet at the level of arena tours, e.g. BRMC, Mastodon, Alkaline Trio, etc… It’s like a filth-encrusted version of the Bowery Ballroom or the Henry Fonda Theater. They’ll be overcharging for those big plastic cups filled with warm beer, but at least the bands will sound loud as shit with the venue’s massive PA system.

Outside the Newport during the halcyon days of the More Than Music Fest. Columbus hardcore legends K.I.A. played that year.

Bernie’s – 1896 North High Street

Even if you have never been here, you already know the place. It’s that shit hole basement venue that always smells vaguely of piss and sweat, band stickers coat every surface and liquor is cheap and plentiful. This place was the spot to be around half a decade ago, when Columbus’ old hardcore scene was still in full effect and their regular Hip Hop nights were the place to catch rising talent. Now they mostly cater to a clientele of former drug addicts, gutter punks and wannabe punk trash unaware that Black Flag released records after Damaged.

This is Don B. He will be drinking at Bernie's. He will also request/demand a cover of the Batman theme song, which he will sing. For some reason, this guy is a Columbus institution.

Since the festival ends early in the evening, you’ll probably want to keep partying. If you plan on just going back to your hotel room to pound some beers, you better have picked up your alcohol before 1 am, when groceries stop selling. For the folks who aren’t lame, be advised that bars shut down at 2:30 am, last call is at 2. There’s plenty of cheap cabs, so don’t worry about getting plastered around town. If you drove yourself, you’re still in luck since Columbus is small enough that most of the cool shit is all on the same damn street.

Places to know in Columbus:

Hounddog’s Pizza – 2657 North High Street (614) 261-4686

Open 24 hours a day, this place will provide you with all the hot and greasy garlic-crust pizza you desire. They offer delivery, but if you still want to get wasted Hounddog’s is attached to the Ravari Room – a fine bar pretty familiar with long-haired, bearded drug fiends. Mostly though, this is where the “edgy in their own minds” campus folk gather.

The Blue Danube – 2439 North High Street

This place offers a wide range of strange bar food, from breakfast burritos to fried zucchini. Their burgers are pretty great when topped with a fried egg and mushrooms or guacamole and bacon. Open until 2:30 am, they also usually have a half-decent drink special at the bar.

Cafe Bourbon Street / Extreme Weiners- 2216 Summit Street (614) 906-DOGS

Bourbon Street is the bar that has served as a locus of sorts for the shitgaze/lo-fi/garage/whatever music in Columbus. This is where Times New Viking and Psychedelic Horseshit go to drink, so if you’re an indie nerd that reads SPIN I suppose that might interest you. Otherwise, you’re probably only interested in Extreme Weiners, which is an amazing hot dog joint located inside the bar. They deliver until 1am and offer a wide array of awesome pork and veggie goodness. God as my witness, I’ve never tasted better coleslaw. When you’re high and starving their eponymous hot dog is like heaven.

This dude and his mom will be responsible for the tastiest hot dog you will ever eat.

Bodega / Late Night Pizza - 1044 North High Street

Despite being only a block South of Skully’s, I really don’t think too many hessians will enjoy Bodega. If you’re one of those metal hipsters who enjoy fancy/expensive beer and liquor and you want to try to get some rich girl tail in town, then this bar is right up your alley. What is really worth mentioning is the weird little pizza joint located just past Bodega in a parking a lot. Late Night Pizza is an awesome little shack where you can easily satisfy any evening food cravings with a cheap slice.

Surly Girl Saloon – 1126 North High Street

If you don’t mind dropping a decent bit of coin on some great food and drinks, this is exactly where you should go.  Just a quick walk down from Skully’s, this place should have whatever home-cooked delight you need to satisfy your munchies after YOB and Shrinebuilder.  Beware the Surly Girl Six-Shooter.  That drink has led to many forgotten evenings due to its delightful taste and the amazing amount of alcohol that taste conceals.

Carabar - 115 Parsons Avenue

This is one of the nicest bars in town with some of the best food around.  Their falafel tacos are tasty on an indescribable level and the bar has excellent drinks at really affordable rates, which works out great for a cheap bastard like myself.  I recommend the Rootbeer & Rootbeer (vodka) or anything the bartender is mixing in mass quantities.  They like to experiment in delicious ways that will get you seriously fucked up.  It’s a little bit out of the way, but is definitely worth the trip if you’re in a metal band. The owner of the bar loves metal and loves drinking with metal bands in his bar all night until the sun rises.

The owners of Carabar. They party hard. Just out of frame is a giant bag of shrooms.

Buckeye Donuts - 1998 North High Street

Buckeye Donuts is just up the road from both The Newport and Bernie’s, making it another ideal spot to grab some food after the festival ends.  They’ve got all sorts of donuts but they also offer some really great side selections.   The place is open 24 hours – their gyros and baklava can’t be beat at 4am.

Johnny Go’s House o’ Music – 1900 North High Street

Used Kids – 1980 North High Street

Magnolia Thunderpussy – 1155 North High Street

Lost Weekend - 2960 North High Street

All of these places make excellent places to hunt for vinyl on your way out of town. Used Kids is the best place to pick up a cheap CD to play on the road trip home. Lost Weekend is the one most likely to make vinyl record geeks cream their pants.

I know some of you readers will probably scratch your heads as to why Columbus would be ideal to host such a festival. Trust me, this city is not nearly as bad as it may seem from the outside. We’ve been left to our own devices for so long that the local scene has produced a wide variety of acts that one wouldn’t expect in such an isolated city. Some of our best metal bands will be featured in the festival, namely Deadsea and Struck By Lightning. But you should also feel free to check out some of our other sweetly weird, harsh and heavy bands: Sword Heaven, The Unholy Two, Brainbow, Necropolis, Vile Gash, Deerhead, MF Gnar, Nick Tolford and Company, Churches Burn (my band), Alleyes Path, Bridesmaid, The Compressions, Hugs and Kisses (aka NiggerLover), Tank Destroyer, Locusta, Rage Against The Cage, Twink Bully, Muscle Puzzle, Kurt Russell, Heath Deadger, Night Soil, Biff Boff Barf, Envelope, Saintseneca, 1point3 etc…
Here’s just one performance from our yearly local festival, Comfest:   Yes, the band is dressed like the gang from Scooby Doo.  If you think that kicks it, you would’ve lost your shit when a chorus line of tiny dancing children swarmed the stage during the last song.

Enjoy your time in Columbus. You might think it gets boring here, but we make our own fun. There’s enough shows, gallery openings and other assorted strange gatherings to maintain quite a happy local scene of freaks. There are a lot of great recording studios running at discount rates, some with equipment dating back to when our city’s Capsoul and Prix labels were shining in the heyday of Soul. I pay $125 a month for rent which includes a huge basement for my loud-as-fuck band to play in. The two large universities in my city, as well as the popularity of local hippie festivals, insures a nearly constant stream of drugs flow here (we’ve even got a trendy heroin epidemic!). Even though we’ve just been branded “the indie art capital of the world” they may as well have just said “Columbus: “Our punks take acid and our hippies snort coke”. Why would I want to move anywhere else?

This is what's happening while I do my laundry.

-Brian Wm. Carnahan

Popularity: 1%