PENS
hey friend ! what you doing?
De Stijl

This record sounds to me, like what I imagine my parents thought bands I listened to sounded like. My parents hated the music I would listen to back when I was still a tiny little angst-filled youth, stuck living at home like a prisoner behind bars. My father actually used to say that my music sounded like “STATIC” to him. So awesome! I would shut the door to my bedroom and turn on records by Minor Threat, NWA, Guns N’ Roses or Circle Jerks really loud. Then I would pretend I was Axl Rose stepping off the Greyhound bus in Hollywood (piece of straw still in my mouth) and perform my favorite songs to my imaginary crowd or adoring fans. Well I hit junior high, went through puberty and realized I didn’t have to join a band… I could get laid already! So I gave up on the fantasy of “growing up” and becoming Axl Rose and just stuck to being a fan of music.

Although I’m not a parent (and I have no plans of ever spawning my very own dream-killers or fuck-trophies AKA children) after trying to listen to PENS, I now know how my father’s ear heard Minor Threat. PENS reminds me of the constant sucking sound of an old vacuum cleaner. Or they could be, as Thom Yorke says in “Meeting People Is Easy”, a total fuckin’ fridge buzz mate!

The three girls that make up the utterly worthless musical outfit known as PENS are from the UK and label themselves as a “lo-fi” band. And people are freaking out over that type of shit lately. Even I’m freaking out over them… freaking out trying to find the fucking off button! I honestly can’t tell if they tried to make their album sound this shitty or if they’re really just that clueless when it comes to recording. Anytime there’s this much re-verb going on, you automatically know the “musicians” have no clue what the fuck they are doing. It’s all high end, the tones sound like the dudes from Poison dialed em in, the vocals are distorted (not in a cool way either) and their keyboard sound is nothing short of ANNOYING! it’s some brutal shit man, just imagine the cheesy preset sound on a shitty cheap floor model keyboard at Guitar Center. Long story short, this band is budget.

“high in the cinema” music video
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEbRyAz8Bvs]

I tried listening to this record on my car stereo as I drove around LA today, bad idea. I couldn’t even make it past song four (which is their single “high in the cinema”) due to the lack of melody and the sheer crappiness of the recording. If you’re gonna go lo-fi with your record, make sure it at least sounds cool. PENS sound like they all snorted some bad cocaine (cut with a shit ton of baby powder), recorded these “songs” through a broken boom-box and used a pair of headphones for a mic. And then has a deaf friend of theirs go ahead and mix and master it. Ok, that was a little over the line… I’ll admit. But then again so is not capitalizing the title of your record as well as all of the song titles.

Attention all self-proclaimed lo-fi bands: It’s ok to use more than one mic to record drums! And it’s ok to let some bass in the mix too! Check out “Funhouse” by The Stooges… all recorded live, cept it sounds fucking HUGE. You can hear the bass and drums, not to mention Ron Asheton’s guitar (which sounds like a motherfucking chainsaw cutting through a three piece British female band) and Iggy howling at the moon all the while. Study that shit baby-dolls.

I think that PENS = instant headache. And that opinion can’t be blamed on the fact that I’m getting older cuz I still really like noisy bands with lo-fi recordings… when they’re GOOD. Proof – I love Flipper. And I love Bikini Kill, which obviously one of PENS influences. Cept Kathleen Hannah and friends had RAD guitar tones, powerful lyrics/melodies and cool sounding recordings. “Suck My Left One”, “I Like Fucking” and “New Radio” are totally on these girls’ ipods. I read that these girls also do a cover of The Gun Club’s “Sex Beat” (which is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite records of all time), and although I haven’t heard it I’m gonna guess they butcher the fuck out of it. PENS… do me a solid, please stop covering one of the best LA punk songs ever written. Why don’t you guys cover like a new Slits song off their 2007 album? That seems way more fitting, plus if you fuck it up… no one’s gonna notice let alone get pissy. Ok, class dismissed.

Sorry girls, I’m sure you’re really nice people… I just think your band really sucks. Break this shit up and tell your parents you changed your mind and you are now ready to attend college.

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