So Merge Record is twenty fuckin’ years old this year, which makes me feel like an old fuck when I wrap my mind around the years. Cept the dudes (and dudettes) at Merge gotta feel way older cuz at least I was only eleven when they started their label. YOU GUYS ARE OLD MAN! How does it feel to feel? As a kid I thought Merge was cool. Why? Cuz the older kids that were into indie rock and punk rock in my small northwestern town told me it was. Same with SST, Sub Pop, Matador, and blahblahblah. Back then you got into records usually cuz someone older and cooler than you told you to. At least that was my childhood, I can’t speak for anyone else. So yeah at some point, I think it was about the same time I got “Paint As A Fragrance” by Rocket From The Crypt (which is still one of my favorite records from the 90’s), someone gave me a Superchunk record and told me they were cool. I never really got Superchunk but I don’t dislike them. They just never “got me” and I never “got them”. I got them less than I got Sonic Youth. At least with Sonic Youth I tricked myself into liking “Dirty” and “Experimental Jet Set, Trash and No Star”, only to later come to the grips that Sonic Youth wasn’t my kinda band because Thurton Moore doesn’t like The Rolling Stones and therefore does not like rock n’ roll which happens to be my lover and my soul-mate so he can fuck right off with his weird tunings. Thurston might heart The Who but he sure as shit don’t like Keith and Mick, so I’ll take Mudhoney over them any day. Fuck I’ll take Monkeywrench over them any day. Serve it up greasy!

So, I guess the point of this whole rant is that I got a book in the mail called “Our Noise: The Story Of Merge Records (The Indie Label That Got Big And Stayed Small)”. I never get books in the mail. Just jewel cases. Send me more records and books people, they make me wanna write. Anyways, I don’t really know the protocol of how you’re supposed to review books so I’m winging this here. And no I didn’t read this whole book but my review will explain that. So, cut to yesterday when I was waiting for Joel to come over… I picked up the Merge book thinking it looked pretty cool. And it does, good work guys. But, after closer examination I’m not much of a Merge Records fan… I mean I think it’s cool that they started such a successful label that they run themselves, I wish I could say the same. And in fact I did enjoy reading about how they started their label, why they started putting out records and how they started putting out records. That shit is always interesting for me from the perspective of someone who tries to run a record label himself. And it’s totally clear the people at Merge love music… that’s all I need to know, they get a gold star.

But I gotta be honest and let you all know that I never really got Superchunk. Neutral milk Hotel was never my cup of tea (I knew girls who rocked that shit though). Not really into Spoon at all, I can’t think of a whiter band. Except for maybe She & Him. And although I don’t totally dislike the Arcade Fire, I will admit I like some of their David Byrne sounding tunes (but at that point I’d just rather listen to David Byrne or better yet, The Talking Heads), they have WAY too many fucking people on stage for me to back them. Maybe if you nerds fired the twelve violin players, got rid of the turd on washboard and tuba and stopped wearing uniforms I’d take you under my wing… but until all that shit happens NO DEAL Arcade Fire. Anyways, my point is… I think all these years that I thought “Merge is a cool indie-rock label” I had them confused with Matador… I know that sounds really stupid but I guess I just never really paid attention.

Merge is kinda like how Stacy is to Wayne in Wayne’s World… A gun rack? I don’t even own AH gun! But for those of you who happen to be fans of Merge Records…. I highly recommend you picking up this book. It’s well done for sure and someone’s gotta think Stacy is hot. Right? If it was about SST or Sub Pop I’d be like “SCHWING” and it’d be all sticky. My Merge Records book doesn’t have one drop of weirdness on it and it’s in perfect condition if any of my friends are closet Merge Records fans raise your hands and I’ll give you mine. No that doesn’t mean you can comment and I’m gonna mail it to you… unless of course you paypal me money. By the way, the new Lou Barlow on Merge is badass. I like it and I’m gonna write about that next.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t34J8EUcPzk]

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