Audioslave - Audioslave
If I have to see that assclown with pigtails and half his body tattooed black playing bass ABOVE his nipples in one more band, there's going to be dead bodies everywhere. At least when Dio joined Sabbath they could always partially smokescreen the wackness by jamming out oldies like "Sweet Leaf" or something. What are these guys gonna do?

The Used - The Used
Since these posers have successfully co-opted and cashed in on the pierced lip, trucker cap, jelly bracelet, star tattoo, plugs in ear fatigue that's all the rage with nu-screamo clones everywhere these days, what are all those dorks on makeout club gonna dress like now? It must suck to have some Goldfinger fanboys from Utah who probably hadn't seen a black person in the flesh until they came to LA to sign their major label deal, figure out how to carbon copy a sound and style in about 5 minutes and sell truckloads of it overnight.

The Transplants - The Transplants
Just when you thought the mall punk community was safe from "I got more money than you / Our crew is deeper than yours / We can kick your ass if we want to" hip-hop, The Transplants make the idea of suburban Rancid fans speaking like Ja Rule a reality. Kudos to The Transplants for inventing the rap / punk genre. These guys are pioneers! Expect that gutter punk asking you for change in front of every show to be saying, "Holla!" in about two weeks.

Hatebreed - Perseverance
Mosh metal so dumbed down, a RETARD could replace any member of this band with about 2 minutes of prep time. These guys make Pantera look like John-fucking-Coltrane.

The Mooney Suzuki - Electric Sweat
These guys wrote the nu-garage clichÈ handbook, and are cashing in before the whole thing goes away quicker than ska. You know it's getting late in the "garage rock revolution" game when people start jocking dorks pushing 40 with receding hairlines who make monkey faces and have to remind the audience how cool they are 80 times during the set. I shit you not, the latest failed attempt (besides a fucking nike ad or some shit) to shove this crap down my throat in the last 3 hours, was to champion these dweebs as "bringing the world honest rock". Sure dudes, honest rock via pathetic old men lying about their age by 10 YEARS, as not to disappoint the teenybopper Hives demographic. These guys make the Strokes look like the fuckin Stones.

Kelly Osbourne - Shut Up
Record company bigwig: "Awww isn't it cute when the two spoiled little brats beat each other up every 5 minutes? Let's give the one with the least zits a record deal. She can't sing, and doesn't know anything about rock music cos she was a diehard N'Sync fan a year ago, but we'll auto-tune the fuck out of her voice in pro tools, and dress her band up in some flavor of the week nu-punk threads, and the 13 year olds won't know the difference."

Avril Lavigne - Let Go
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Sum 41 - Does This Look Infected?
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New Found Glory - Sticks And Stones
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Boxcar Racer - Boxcar Racer
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Simple Plan - No Pads, No Helmets, Just Balls
Mall punk was everywhere in 2002. Thanks to Blink182, we have 7,892 cute and cuddly bands whose music videos look like Saved By The Bell episodes. Silly, cute, safe, and goofy good times for the entire family! With Hot Topic accessories no less! Punk Ruuulez! These bands are the reason that punk is deader than Sid Vicious.

Bowling For Soup - Drunk Enough To Dance
We would have put these dipshits in the grouping of all the other mall punk bands, but we wanted to point out that on top of these guys swallowing as much as the others, these guys happen to have the most obese person to ever pick up a guitar in their band. This fat ass makes the dudes in Korn look like citizens of Rwanda.

Good Charlotte - The Young And Hopeless
These geeks should have also been in the grouping of all the other mall punk bands, but deserved a smidge more attention for subjecting us to their "rock show" on mtv... strangely enough, a show that had nothing rock n' roll about it whatsoever. Way to go dudes, talking about Nofx in between playing Disturbed videos lit our world on fire. 11 year olds in Nebrahoma are hanging onto every word these morons are saying, thus sealing their cute and cuddly mall punk destinies. These clowns make Sum 41 look like Black Flag.

Interpol - Turn Out The Bright Lights
Oh groovy, the music sounds like throwaway Strokes songs, and the vocals sound like a bad Ian Curtis impersonation. Did we mention these guys are from NEW YORK and dress SNAPPY?! WHO FUCKIN CARES.

The Vines - Highly Evolved
Never before has the word "poser" seemed so relevant. We're supposed to think this kid is "crazy" cos he crosses his eyes and smokes out of a bong? Our only conclusion is that he's "Highly Retarded". I bet Silverchair is bummed on these guys for stealing their "Australian band ripping off Nirvana" shtick. Does this kid own a shotgun yet? Let's hope this guy continues to mimic Kurt Cobain to a T.

Stone Sour - Stone Sour
Just when Slipknot seemed to go away long enough for everybody to let their guard down, a Slipknot side project band totally broadsides us with crap music that actually eclipses Slipknot in crappiness. Apparently these guys figured out they could be more irritating if they branched out and formed a plethora of shitty bands.

The Murder Dolls - Beyond The Valley Of The Murder Dolls
Same as above, except we'd like to point out that these rednecks hysterically fall into the category of bands who think they will look "scarier" by shaving their eyebrows. Coming 2003... the remaining 47 members of "The Knot" decide to form a funk metal band, as not to be left behind in all the side project glory.

Moby - 18
Please take this goofy tone-deaf wiener off my TV. Moby needs to take the millions he's made off car commercials and buy an island really far away where he can eat all the little veggie sausages he wants, update his website 17 times a day, and spare us from his Sesame Street soundtrack bullshit. Who wants to bet those guys who beat up Moby were just Spiritualized fans pissed at him for ripping off Jason Spaceman's spacesuit getup?

Crazy Town - Darkhorse
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Hoobastank - Hoobastank
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Papa Roach - Love Hate Tragedy
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Saliva - Back Into Your System
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Audiovent - Dirty Sexy Knights In Paris
Nu-metal started to feel threatened in 2002, and gave its best effort to re-invent itself. They got the rappers "singing", gave everybody haircuts straight outta "That 70's Show", and dressed the fools up in thrift shop t-shirts to make them look "happening". Oh, and just for good measure, they signed anyone who was remotely related to members of Incubus.

The Promise Ring - Wood / Water
Bad emo band who had forged their career and reputation based on "cute pop", but that indie geeks with bad taste galore adored, think that they were actually real artists and could A) change direction with their sound and attempt to be a real band, and B) all the indie geeks with bad taste would follow them there. Too bad for these guys, all the dweebs who bought their old records think Saves The Day are KILLER now, or else realized they were idiots when they were younger and sold their Promise Ring records for drugs, or Zeppelin records, or both.

The Reunion Show - Kill Your Television
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Taking Back Sunday - Tell All Your Friends
Just when you thought the emo hybrids couldn't get any worse, all those kids who bought Promise Ring records and DIDN'T sell them for Zeppelin records or drugs, started bands even wimpier and wacker than Promise Ring. This crap is fruitier than Richard Simmons swimming in a pool of Hawaiian Punch. Behold... nu-emo!!! Start listening to this shit regularly, and Saves The Day sounds like Slayer.

Joey Ramone - Don't Worry About Me
Just like the last 2,376 Ramones albums, this sounds exactly the same, and BLOWS. Actually, this could be worse, Joey covers "What A Wonderful World" here. Somebody should have told these dudes after the first Ramones album, "Hey, this is really great. Let's not ruin it by making the same one twice a year for the next 3 decades." We know this is a sore spot, seeing as how Joey recently passed away, but enough with this "Ramones started punk rock" bullshit. Why are New Yorkers always quick to claim the "originator" title? Anybody who keeps up this "Ramones started punk rock" crap needs to have a Stooges record dropped into their lap and shut the fuck up.

Disturbed - Believe
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Taproot - Welcome
Hey Buddyhead, what's the connection between Disturbed and Taproot? Well, besides both band's fan bases consisting of America's lower bracket of IQ holders, and all the other t-shirts in their fan's wardrobes besides these band's probably have wrestlers on them, believe it or not, both these bands released albums in 2002 with one word album titles, and one word song names for EVERY SONG on both albums. How fucking stupid is that?

Dashboard Confessional - Unplugged
Remember how horrified your little sister was when you showed her new boyfriend the pictures of her wearing a New Kids On The Block nightie when she was younger? Just imagine the intense humiliation all these zit faced nu-emo dweebs singing along to this pussy with the really bad hair-do will feel when mtv re-airs this for a laugh in 10 years like they do now when they show the Warrant unplugged. Wasn't this fruitcake already unplugged? If you find your little brother listening to this, KICK HIS ASS.

Honorable Mention: Any record put out by any band from Sweden
Has anybody else had it with all the hugely mediocre Swedish bands jabbering on and on about revolutions, their clothes, and how they are changing rock n' roll? Every one of them has the same pre-recorded robotic shtick, and it's beyond irritating. What they forgot to tell you is that they get paid by the Swedish government to be in bands that rape and pillage the back catalogs of popular and obscure bands from the 50's and 60's. Yeah, a bunch of hockey loving, incestuous dipshits ripping off James Brown who have seen about as many black people in their sheltered little snow day lives as we've seen green men from Mars. Their culture is so wanna-be American, they've completely stolen Canada's thunder. Australia is pissed too. And there's no end in sight, cos instead of having to struggle in poverty for years to pay their dues like bands in the rest of the world, these crackers are out of the gates in hordes before you can blink with half of guitar center in their plush vans, and into our country trying to tell us what time it is. So shut the fuck up, and stuff some more meatballs into that lard ass with the mustache's mouth so he'll be too preoccupied gorging himself to subject us to his face on our TV's ever again.