Hi, I’m Meathead. You might wonder why I spend so much time writing about bad music. I’d be tempted to respond with “mind your own goddamned business, you filthy Jew,” if I were an anti-Semite, but I’m not, so I won’t. Instead, the simple fact is that there is a lot more bad music being made today than good music, and I’m doing you a favor by “taking one for the team” and listening to this god-forsaken tripe so you don’t have to. All I ask in return is lots and lots of money (I accept PayPal).

While driving around Hollywood, which I do quite reguarly, I see a lot of ads for hot new up-and-coming artists, and like anyone with a functioning cerebral cortex, I ignore most of them. But every once in a while, one of them will wiggle its way into my subconscious, much in the same way as you will soon find yourself in the bathroom humming that shitty Sting song you tuned out at the supermarket earlier. You could chalk it up to successful advertising, except that it’s not so much “I have to buy that album” as “Did I seriously see that or was I just having an unbelievably bad psilocybin trip?” Unfortunately for me, it’s usually the former.

A textbook example of this would be the bus bench ads I recently saw for the Asher Roth masterpiece, Asleep in the Bread Aisle. Certainly no one seriously has released an album called that. Right? I mean, come on. Seriously? I initially thought as much, and filed the memory under “P” for “psilocybin.” And for the most fleeting of moments, I lived blissfully under the delusion that there was no such thing as an album called Asleep in the Bread Aisle. Those were the days.

Then, thanks to the internet, this fragile bubble of ignorance was shattered when I was confronted with incontrovertible evidence that Asher Roth and his retarded white boy rap album really do exist, as does God, who clearly has an unquenchable hatred for us all. Cool! Thanks, internet! From now on, I’m going to call you Mr. Helper, because that’s what you do. You help me remember really stupid shit. And, well, there’s the whole “chicks with dicks” thing, but that’s a whole other topic for another time.

Yes, Asher Roth really exists. Because, you know, in these troubled economic times, what the world really needs is another smug upper-middle-class white guy who thinks he A) can rap; B) has something to rap about; and C) won’t inevitably get the shit beat out of him by a bunch of pissed off black dudes in a Shoney’s parking lot within the next eight months. Yes, can we please have another one of those? That would be super!

Before I delve into Asher Roth’s yawning abyss where talent otherwise would be if he were someone actually deserving of a record contract, let me share this quote with you:

The first CD I ever bought was Dave Matthews Band’s ‘Crash’…That is how suburban I am…I finally got into hip hop in ‘98 when I heard the Annie sample with Jay-Z…

That’s it. Game over. I don’t need to say anything else at this point. Then again, simply saying “white rapper” should be enough (no offense, pre-2000 Beastie Boys). I could end this article right here, but I won’t. Why? I don’t know. Probably because I’m a dickhead.

Here is the first line from this shithead’s Wikipedia page, under the depressingly laughable “Career” heading:

Roth was discovered by [total fucking idiot Scooter] Braun on MySpace.

Once again, I could just stop here. It quite literally causes me physical pain when I attempt to comprehend the series of events that led this douchebag to attain a record contract. I mean, okay, I accept that there are all kinds of weird, unexplainable things that go on in the universe. Things that even make Stephen Hawking say “fuck this shit.” But Asher Roth is on an entirely different level. You mean there are actually people who actively scout MySpace, the trailer park of the internet, to sign new acts? Boy, it’s a great thing I discarded my faith in humanity years ago, because this might have really put a dent in it.

Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share one of his music videos with you. I’m sure there are some of you out there reading this who, for whatever reasons, remain skeptical of the depths of how much this guy really sucks. Allow me to present Exhibit A.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xt6t5TTuk5Q]

I will give Asher credit. This is the first song I’ve ever heard that includes the phrase “beer pong.” I guess someone had to be the first to give a “shout out” to the official sport of dickhead frat boys who wear backwards baseball caps and pop their collars. Then again, it’s possible that there may have already been another song that broke the beer pong barrier, but I don’t make a point to listen to this bullshit enough to notice, so I apologize in advance to anyone who actually cares.

At this point, I feel I have more than sufficiently laid out my case. There is no logical reason why you should have even the faintest desire to download, or, heaven forbid, purchase Asleep in the Bread Aisle. If I have somehow failed to convince you, or if you are actually Asher Roth, please eat a gun. Thank you, and good night.

Yours in Christ,
Meathead

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