So that bio-pic that premiered at Sundance starring Kristen “Leave Me Alone, I’m Stoned” Stewart and Dakota “Alien Creature From Planet Forehead” Fanning has an official trailer “leaked” (in more ways that one) onto YouTube.

It’s always fun, fun = catching a case of crabs from a weekend hook-up, to watch actors try to be rock stars. Stoner Stewart usually looks kind of pissy on most days so she can semi convincingly glower as Joan Jett. Dakota Fanning poses quite a bit less realistically as Cherie Currie. Probably the only thing the movie got right was the haircuts, lingerie, and bad Seventies blush application. The other girls in the band aren’t even given name status in the trailer, so I assume that they are the “less important” members of the band, aka the rhythm section and Lita Ford (who was not part of the production), or they aren’t portrayed by name actresses who the studio thinks can draw an audience.

FYI, suits: these two probably can’t carry a movie either that by it’s own nature has limited appeal and is supposedly meant for a female audience.

I started this article with the supposition that most of you clowns know who the Runaways were and you probably do. Most of America and the rest of the world probably don’t. The situation is not helped by the mocking voice in the trailer telling the rock chicks that they should go sell girl scout cookies because they’re girls.  It sounds like a bored voice over dude doing his 150th hemorrhoid commercial that he doesn’t give a shit about and just wants a check for. It’s made worse by the end of the trailer because of the pronouncement made by the actor playing Kim Fowley, I assume. This is done EXTRA dramatically over a scene of the band leaping at a car and knocking over trash cans on a suburban street, which is apparently Hollywood’s idea of pure rock and roll excess.  But maybe they didn’t want to overwhelm the girls with real insults and build them up so they looked more credible? Why? Because their reactions, which include a chair being thrown at a studio window, seem more like a peevish snit than a rock tantrum.

“The Runaways, blah blah blah, were the group with the most chance of any that I’ve seen to tear this world apart”

Uh, right.

The movie was directed by Floria Sigismondi who is mostly known for directing a bunch of commercials and music videos. You’d think that exposure to actual musicians would have given her a background on what real musicians are like, but I don’t think it did. Now I’m not saying that The Runaways were the baddest girl band ever, but if you’re gonna make a movie about women rocking could you try and make it actually rock?

As a mark of the realism and quality, they made up a fictional character as the bass player and the movie is based on Currie’s autobiography. I’ve read that Jackie Fox, the real bassist, and Lita Ford were not involved but later Ford met the actress who plays her, Scout Taylor-Compton, and thought she was neat. Scout Taylor-Compton played the foul mouthed alt-emo version of Laurie Strode in that brain damaged funky Halloween 2 remake. At the very least maybe she could swear like a sailor on shore leave and and keep the audience from going for a piss during a screening.

So far? Not good.

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