Much like the U.S. Congress, Buddyhead sometimes needs to give an “official position” on certain topics and in our latest “Bored Meeting” it occurred to us we haven’t issued a statement on the “New” Metallica! So let’s cut the fuckin’ crap and get down to the nitty gritty: Some of you old farts might remember back in the day when Coca Cola changed it’s formula and called that shit-water “New Coke”. People got uber-bummed, they were all a cunt hair away from rioting, looting Foot Lockers and flipping over cop cars.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4YvmN1hvNA]
At least that’s the way we felt when we had to watch these dark commercials with Bill Cosby. And the only person I find more annoying than Bill Cosby is my Dad when he’s laughing at Bill’s jokes. So… eventually Coke pulled it’s head outta ass, stopped tripping and changed everything back to the Classic formula. Once again there was world peace among humans, animals and plants. Everone and everything lived in harmony together.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKEAJmsHZqo]
And now here’s how we’regonna fit Metallica into this cluster fuck of an analogy here: The stars of the classic motion picture “Some Kind of Monster” tried to pull a similar dirty new Coke-ish trick with their latest record. Except what the boner-lips in Metallica did is more along the lines of just taking “new” off the Coke rather than actually changing the formula back so it tastes good again. Yeah sure, the songs are like 8 minutes long again, there are multiple solos and some of the riffs do kinda sound like Metallica circa ‘83-89. There is a problem though kids. We’ve still got ‘09 Hetfield in the mix, penning lyrics that Corky Thatcher would think are retarded and making it even worse by adding extra syllables to the end of every fucking word-AH. Look Jimmy, we’ve never expected rocket science from you, but why don’t you challenge yourself to read a book slightly tougher than whatever you read to your kids before bed-AH? Maybe then-AH you could stop writing such shit-AH. Yaaay, yeaaaaaaah-AH? As for the three other dinosaurs in your band, tell them to (1) stop shopping at Armani, (2) fire their image consultants, (3) put back on the Motorhead t-shirts with ripped jeans and (4) get back in the cycle of annihilating bottles of Jack/hoovering massive amounts of cocaine (well, we’re pretty sure Lars is still handling that department for you)/devastating pussies attached to chicks with names like Willow/melting faces with ripping solos etc. The drugs are on Meathead!

We heard Green Day is released yet another “Concept Record”. Hot Damn is right! Concept records usually suck even when the band’s guitarist knows how to play something other than a power chord, so we are just jazzed to hear what Billy Joe and the boys came up with for this one. Hey dudes, we’ve got a concept for you, it’s called “retirement”. Best part is you can get super “prog” and just treat this concept like performance art by never ever putting out another record, writing another song, or even picking up an instrument again. All you’ll need to do is sit in your mansions and count all the money you’ve made raping the spirit of punk rock into oblivion for the last two decades. Oh and in the meantime, Bill Joe will have time to buy some shoes with massive heels so he can look his kids in the eyes.

Pearl Jam’s Eddie Veder ain’t stayin’ hungry lately. Spready Cheddar got fat! Plump! Bulky! The rest of the band still looks like they’re gonna give you homework and stick you with a pop quiz. And Joel was right, Eddie did make friends with the wrong Ramone. But homeboy can rock a karaoke mic.

Fans of Dave Matthews, 311, backwards baseball caps, date-raping, beer bongs and the word “broseph” should be all excited right about now, because “comedian” Dane Cook (and we use that word with this douche in the same sense that we’d use the word “punk” with a “band” like Sum 41) managed to pry himself away from MySpace long enough to put out a new album called ISolated INcident. That title doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, though. If Dane Cook is an isolated incident, how come he keeps coming back just when you’ve finally managed to forget about him? And what’s with the incorrect capitalization? Is that some badly coded sublimal message? Dude, the only thing you’re IN is some fellow frat dude’s gay-not-gay butt cave. Oh, and speaking of vain, annoying douchebags who think all they have to do to be funny is yell a lot and make hand gestures:

Hey, I just thought of a fun game. Go to the iTunes Top 100 and kill yourself every time you see the words “Adam Lambert.” Or even better, just kill Adam Lambert, and everybody else on that fucking page while you’re at it (well, except Rod Stewart, cuz he’s still really fuckin’ cool and touched way more pussies in his life than everyone reading this combined has). Isn’t it great how any sackmuncher with long/shaggy/spiked hair and guyliner who shows up on American Idol is considered “rock” now? Yeah, you guys rock about as hard as a Little House on the Prairie marathon on the Hallmark Channel. I don’t get it, who are the people buying these albums? Who actually pays attention when any of these iTunes albums come out and then says “I gotta have that”? See, this proves that all this recession stuff is bullshit. How bad can the economy really be if there are still people out there who are willing to pay money to have their very own copy of “The Fame” by Lady GaGa? We smell bullshit! Give us your money! Old Dirty want his mother fuckin’ money!

Oh, and we want to pass along a memo that some of you out there apparently didn’t get Re: Lady GaGa – No one would would give a fuck about Lady GaGa if her fashion sense wasn’t identical to what the dude who created Star Trek in the 60’s thought women would be dressing like in 2009. She’s Britney Spears with a stupid fucking gyroscope on her head. Go back to writing songs for New Kids on the Block and making your dad regret you weren’t a boy.

Is it just us, or do you guys also have a really hard time differentiating between this clip:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQrSsWd9nzE]

And this clip:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjEdLuqK1RQ]

Have you seen the singer dude from All American Retards lately? Dude went fron teenage heart throb to looking like he’s 2/3rd’s of the way from being one of the Nazi’s that saw what’s inside the Lost Ark in that First Indiana Jones jam.  I guess they can’t autotune your face slick. Looks like the jig is up for you and the rest of the semen summoners in your band who look like they get their haircuts from a Geometry teacher.  All the little girls are gonna start actually paying attention to your songs and realize they have queefs with more soul and originality than you turds.

So while we were trying to watch Purple Rain on Fuse (cause let’s be honest, why else would we be watching Fuse), we learned at the beginning of every single motherfucking commercial break The Dave Matthews Band is putting out another record. Someone should cross check the number of Dave Matthews records sold with the number of infant deaths in the world since that band started because we’re pretty positive there’s a connection. We basically have the commercial memorized due to repetition, so we also wanted to share with you that Dave and the ‘tards felt an urgency to get this latest one out to honor their tuba player who died. So, I guess we’re hoping the rest of you clowns live forever? Cause then maybe you won’t release another record? We’d sure appreciate it! Oh and one final tickler we got from that ad was Dave Matthews saying “If you don’t like this record, you just don’t like music!”. Oh really Dave? Isn’t that bit like saying “If you don’t like rape, you just don’t like dating!”?”. Might want to check your facts there slick. By the way, does every copy of this record come with a roofie in the package or is there like a mail in rebate?

Hey Wes Borland,

We’re not too good at math, but is this the 5th or 6th time you’ve come crawling back to Limp Bizkit? That’s pretty funny when you think about it because it seems like whenever your wallet is fat you quit the band and then go talking smack about Durst and the other dudes. Then like two years later you’re back in the saddle riding on the Chocolate Starfish train like a hooker rides dicks. And then you bug out and get bummed on us for making fun of you and The BIZkit? First off, you should be stoked anyone’s writing about you guys, let alone Buddyhead. Newsflash dude, YOU ARE IN LIMP BIZKIT! You guys got big because of a small thing called “payola” and a fuckin’ George Michael cover. Done rap rock style… if you don’t think that’s fuckin’ funny then you need to get a sense of humor buddy. You’re a nice guy and we like you and all but you’re in a band with Fred Durst and you let that ball-drainer call a record “The Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.” So what’s your lame excuse for coming back this time? According to the press release we got emailed, which was written like a drunk Bill Cosby wrote it (Jello shots sneak up on you), this time you’re back cause you and the other clowns decided the “state of music pissed you off so much you put your personal differences aside”.
Wow, the state of music must be a shitload better than we thought it was if you decided it was time to resurrect the greatest weapon against music ever conceived of just to drag it down again. We’re thinking what’s really going on is those mortgage/car/bulk make-up order payments are piling up so you gotta put up with the angry chubby bald midget in the red hat again. Let’s be honest, there are a few apes somewhere in Cousinfuck-tucky who will probably still buy a Limp record.  And guess what chief, no matter how many country fairs you go to to get your face painted, you will ALWAYS be the guitar player from Limp Bizkit. The dream is over, you wrote the “Nookie” song bro.

It’d be like some dude being a Nazi, who somehow escaped being captured, and then later on in life he becomes a pro tennis player… and he was a really nice guy to boot. Do you think anyone in the world, if asked who that guy was, would say “oh you mean the really nice pro tennis player”? Nope, they’re gonna say, “oh you mean that fucking Nazi?!”. Your fate is sealed slick, time to deal with it and quit blaming us for your fuck ups! Hey man, at least you can kinda pay your rent and DJ Lethal has BOMB weed. Party at DLO’s place this weekend! BYOB! Bring the mask!
Love,
Buddyhead

We’ve got three rules around these parts… 1) Look, just stay away from my fucking lady friend. 2) She’s not my special lady, she’s my fucking lady friend. I’m just helping her conceive, man! And 3) Don’t fuck with my Beatles! Rock Band just broke rule number three. Looks like we’re sending Jeff Wood over to their office to knock some sense into those nerds.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9loz95y7vk]
As if Guitar Hero hasn’t already lowered the bar enough for all of you knuckle-draggers out there… Yes sir, it just got a little bit dumber out there in the world because now you can DJ virtual records with your video game system and get a free lobotomy if you mail in your UPC code. This expensive waste of time is going to be called DJ Hero. Sounds very exciting and productive.

Cokehead and Cambria apparently put out a live record not that long ago. Around the same time millions people across America collectively farted. No one could tell the difference.

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Carl and Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty, AKA The Libertines, reunited for a live gig last week and people were flipping out like the boys had just invented the first British shower. All of America just yawned all at once.

Hey Katy Perry, we don’t want to hear another sentence out of you unless it’s “…and how would you like that cooked?”.  Guess what kids, before she covered that Jill Sobule song, tits for brains was a Christian Gospel singer. Wonder how her parents, Reverend Perry and Reverend Perry (yep, both of them), feel about the mini watermelon dresses with the dirty pillows 90% hanging of the way out? Add that to all the rosaries they already need to spit for apologizing to God for how much their daughter sucks and they’ll be spending more time on their knees than their daughter had to to get her record deal.

Look at these posers above! Looks like a bomb containing black hair dye, hair gel and hot topic items just exploded and sprayed these clowns. Yo, my sister wants her eyeliner back pussy! On a scale from ‘09 Axl Rose (lamest thing) to ‘70 Iggy Pop (raddest thing), that singer dude Mr. Shadows from that band Avenged Sevenfold rates about a ‘98 John Tesh, which is actually off the scale in an area of sucky-ness that isn’t quantifiable. Ever wondered why everything you do looks and sounds so shitty? Well that’s cause you’ve got your douche meter peaked and clipping 100% of the time, coach. Quit. Right now. Never leave Orange County like the rest of your kind.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvFozxH00x4]
Frodus, who some of you Buddyhead lifers may recall was one of our favorite bands back in the day, has finally reunited for a couple shows. We guess Shelby is taking a break from trying to build a steam powered recording studio for the next Cassettes record and is spazzing out with Frodus a few more times. We heard they’re even cooking up new songs for a seven inch soon! Bitchin’! So if you live in on the East Coast you should get your radness shoes on and check’em out. We heard they might be doing some left coast dates too, so you’ll just have to keep it in your pants a little longer. Their drummer Jason is a masseuse so mention Buddyhead to him the coupon password “BELTBOY” to get half-price on your happy ending. Beltboy doesn’t not disspoint. Oh, and if you don’t have “F-Letter”, “Frodus Conglomerate International” and/or “And We Washed Our Weapons in the Sea”, steal your parents credit card and go get those shits STAT. That’s a positive step toward “poser-proofing” yourself kids.

We may have found the most sonically annoying band ever in the history of recorded music… ladies and gentlemen please brace yourself for Dusty Rhodes and the river band. First glance of their press photo had me thinking that this was a joke band. What I thought was six people joking around with fake moustaches, violins (more violins is NEVER a good idea, NEVER EVER EVER) and dressed up as if they got their wardrobe out of the dollar bin at Goodwill. Check these nerds out!!

Nirvana’s Krist Novoselic is running for public office. He wants to be the county clerk in Wahkiakum County. Yo Krist, we got your campaign slogan… GO GRUNGE! VOTE FOR KRIST! You need us to write your speeches and give you pep talks! We need you to pay us! Sounds like a match made in heaven!

Dear Wavves (the band),
Thank you for making a pretty decent record. Thanks for having a sense of humor. But most of all, thank you for having a complete meltdown on drugs in front of thousands of people. Because of your latest stint, you can now consider Buddyhead fans of your band. We got your back yo. After hitting the self destruct button on stage in Barcelona, Spain’s Primavera Sound Festival in front of thousands of people, the singer of Wavves released an online apology. It features the majestic line – “mixing ecstasy valium and xanax before having to play in front of thousands of people was one of the more poor decisions I’ve made (duh)”. You had us at ecstasy man! But what the fuck is up with the rest of the Wavves European tour apparently being cancelled? Now we really wanna see your band! Let’s party!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3IxqXgchto]
Here’s the a video clip showing a snippet of the ledgendary meltdown and the apology in all of it’s full gulp pull glory below.
‘I think in the back of my head I knew I wasn’t exactly mentally healthy enough to continue to tour the way I have been since February. Honest truth is this has all happened so fast and I feel like the weight of it has been building for months now with what seems like a never ending touring and press schedule which includes absolutely zero time to myself. I’m sorry to everyone who has put effort into this and to everyone who supported me. Mixing ecstasy valium and xanax before having to play in front of thousands of people was one of the more poor decisions I’ve made(duh) and I realize my drinking has been a problem now for a good period of time. Nothing else I can do but apologize to everyone that has been affected by my poor decision making. I made a mistake. Not the first mistake I’ve made and it for sure wont be the last. I’m human. Don’t know why I chose the biggest platform I could imagine to lose my shit, but that’s life. You live and you learn.”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uONdVy8FVEM]
Speaking of full gulp pulls… We had to post this Hell Yeah Jager video. It’s one of the best things on Youtube.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8YqPehV--A]
Iggy Pop has a new record and he’s also getting The Stooges (Raw Power line up) back together. Iggy Pop posted a video to promote his new jazz-influenced album (sounds like a real bad idea), “Preliminaires”, in which he talks some shit. The Iggster talks down on “crappy music” written by “idiot thugs with guitars. Anyone from Smashing Pumpkins to – what’s the one with Fred Durst? There are a million billion of them, and people think they’re gods, man.”

And we’ve heard through the grapevine that Iggy will be reforming The Stooges once again, this time James Williamson will take the late Ron Asheton’s place as lead guitar player. Just as he did in 71 for the “Raw Power” record. First off, this is lame for several reason… For starters, James is currently the Vice President of Technology Standards with Sony Electronics, Inc. Not very rock n’ roll. Iggy, this idea is almost as bad as your “Santana record” your A and R guy cooked up for you and forced your to sing a song with Sum 41. Dark days…

So we reviewed a cd by some band called Death by Sexy and in said review pointed out that was the name of an Eagles Death of Metal record. In typical crybaby fashion the singer from that band, who we’re pretty sure is this actor, wrote a comment to tell us he didn’t steal the name from the Eagles of Death Metal album but rather got it straight from Jesse Hughes while “hanging out backstage” with him. He then said that he asked Jesse about it later and Jesse was cool with it. Guess what malorkus, that means Eagles of Death Metal still did the thinking for you and named your band. Other fun facts: in researching this clown’s band we saw his bassist looks like the “da plane boss, da plane” dude from Fantasy Island and that he’s involved with some poser DC blog called Brightest Young Things. It reads something like Pitchfork crossed with US Weekly and seems about as relevant to DC music as Black Tail magazine is to DC music. Do yourself a favor and don’t check it out.

Bob Lefsetz loves Taylor Swift and Miley Cirus. And the dude is like 67. Yep, that’s what we call “Uncle Creepy”. Hey Uncle Creepy, stay the fuck away from the kids and their music. You’re too old to party with 12 years olds. See you at the CSN show this summer tubby.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrdqjAeR-dE]
Speaking of CSN, their old buddy Neil Young just put out a MASSIVE box set called “Neil Young Archives Vol. 1 1963 – 1972″. It’s so big in fact that we’re pretty sure it’s the biggest boxset to ever come out. Our old friend, Mr. John Hanlon, was hired to go through all the original tapes and mixed down the killer shit. Most of which you don’t have. Neither do we… NEIL, SEND US ONE! It’s Travis’ birthday on July 6th, if you drop one of those bad boys in the mail now you’ll be golden! Please send all presents, death threats and love letters to Buddyhead PO Box 1268 Hollywood,CA 90078

So apparently the Antichrist Supertard, Marilyn Manson, was out in public braving the harsh effects of sunlight the other day, at the Hollywood Hot Topic of all places. I know, right? Marilyn Manson at Hot Topic! Can you believe that?  Anyway, he was there to sign some copies of that new musical Herhsey Squirt of his, “The Low End of My Career” or whatever it’s called. Look at that million dollar smile! Lately it looks like Mr. Brian has been enjoying cake a little more than his ol’ favorite past time, sodomy. I guess he’s moved on from trying to steal Alice Cooper’s and David Bowie’s respective schticks to becoming late era Elvis. That’s right, homeboy ain’t wasting anytime with that early shit. He’s skipping right past “Jailhouse Rock” and “Viva Las Vegas” and jumping headfirst into the “peanut butter and banana sandwiches” era. Looking at this photo here, I can’t tell if that’s just makeup or if that’s his real skin color. Could he possibly look any more like he’s made out of cookie dough? Okay, okay, that was pretty harsh. I’m sorry. I know looks fade and we can’t expect Marilyn Manson to be the God of Fuck forever. At least he still has his make up applying skills to fall back on. The makeup artist industry is a very thriving job market place. Or there’s always Brian’s old haunt… 7-11. We heard they’re forever hiring in Florida!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5c3jVpg9EM]
What is this garbage? Not my chair not my problem! No way! Not now, not never!

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