Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot

June 10, 2009 • By Chip Norman

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Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot
Redline Entertainment
Reviewed by Chip Norman

Yeah, because everyone wanted a CD that sounds like hanging out with an embarrassing uncle at the family reunion BBQ. Dude won’t quit talking about his secret recipe for hot sauce and making uncomfortable bachelor jokes while you think of all the reasons his wife killed herself with pills.

Enter CHICKENFOOT:

chickenfoot

Check out this all-star, SUPERGROUP line-up:

- Chad “I-can’t-believe-it-ain’t-Anchorman” Smith from the Chilli Peppers
- Joe “Wanks-worse-than-Stevie-Ray” Satriani of Dream Theater [CORRECTION: Satriani wasn't in Dream Theater, but did contribute to their crimes against humanity. How embarrassing for me. -Chip]
- Michael “A-16-year-old-bassist-replaced-this” Anthony of Van Halen
- And…sigh…Sammy “Someone-put-poodle-roadkill-on-my-head” Haggar: the most embarrassing uncle of them all.

And what a rad logo. Heard they got Nickleback’s graphic artist. That backwards-K alone should tip any interested parties off to the fact that, if not the worst record ever, then this is definitely the most humiliating.

I mean, seriously? Joe Satriani? Yeah, Music Executive, history’s most notorious noodler will save the major labels. And Joe- Guitars are not supposed to sound like that. Find another hobby, jerk. Suicide, maybe. And then, of course, we have the national shame, Sammy Haggar, doing what he does best: SUCKING HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AT BOTH HAIR AND MUSIC. This seems like the perfect opportunity to rub it in the faces of those who think that the bands that spawned this all-star act were ever good to begin with. Van Halen? Cock-rock bastard child of Led Zeppelin and the Stones. Awful. Dream Theater? A musical abortion. The only band in history with thousands of releases and not one song to be found among them. Red Hot Chilli Peppers? White-boy-sandal-funk.

And don’t even start with Eddie Van Noodle. The proportion of idiots who actually commend the dude who invented finger tapping is mind-blowing. In a just world, an army of emaciated, third-world babies would have chewed Eddie Van Halen’s spray-can-tan right off of his meat for that “weedle-weedle” crap.

Bottom line is that anyone capable of making Chickenfoot never knew what Rock n’ Roll was and never made Rock n’ Roll. Say what you want about Iggy, but whatever bad he’s done, it ain’t Chickenfoot.

And to give credit where it’s due, Diamond Dave was legitmately rad. Diamond, wherever you are, I promise 5-gallons of meth, and dentures, if you cut these dorks up into pieces and ship them to Margaritaville.

Alright, alright, this is a record review, and to prove I listened to this disaster, here are some nuggets to air-guitar to:

“YEEAAHHAHAHAHA! You sexy lil’ thang! COME ON! SHE GOT IT! SHE GOT IT! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!” Cue Sitar. Cue wah-wank.

“If I were a blues man, oh, how I could sing, about how I want to be your hoochy-coochie man. YEEEAAHHHHHHHHHH!! OW! YEAH! BAAAAYYY-BUUUUHHHHHH!!!!”

And from “Learning To Fall,” a ballad the likes of which Michael Bolton wouldn’t touch:

“When I fall, I fall down. Lord, oh Lord, when I fall, I fall down. YEEEEAHAHAHAHAH!! OWW! BAY-BUH!, BAY-BUH!, BAY-BUHHHH!”

Things do not get better for these “Rock n’ Rollers.” Trust me.

Wank like Chickenfoot do and make tables vibrate like Chickenfoot do! YEEAAAH! OW!

Wank like Chickenfoot do and make tables vibrate like Chickenfoot do! YEEAAAH! OW!

Raping the fine and very black legacy of Rock n’ Roll as individuals wasn’t enough. No, these monsters had to form a MAJOR LABEL SUPERGROUP YEEEAAAAHHHHH to POUND in that last nail.

Hope you’re happy you beyond washed-up hookers, because Bo Diddley, he dead.

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35 Responses to “ Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot ”


  • your mom -- Jun 10th, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    not that i really care and this cd is a total piece of garbage that i didnt waste my time wiht. but joe sartiani was never in dream theater….jsut sayin

  • Chip -- Jun 10th, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Damn, your mom’s right. But he did collaborate with Dream Theater a helluva lot. That implicates him enough.

  • John Petrucci -- Jun 10th, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Since when Joe Satriani got my job?

  • Ben -- Jun 10th, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    My friend who was working at one of their shows said “it was the worst band I’ve ever seen…lowest common denominator The crowd was all dudes, and they were all meatheads”.

  • Bravery MacLionheart -- Jun 10th, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    wow, you aren’t worried about the repercussions of knocking such a relevant band? dude, you win the 2009 Courage Award, for your act of bravery! the best part was that none of us knew that this band was awful, thanks for the heads-up!

  • -P -- Jun 10th, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    I don’t think Coldplay will be ripping off any of these songs.

  • Jakk -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 8:26 am

    I actually thought you were serious until you said Satriani was in drEam theater. Clever, clever. No one who knows anything could actually make that mistake. Satire at it’s best.

  • Josh -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 11:22 am

    I work at a retail store who stocks this album and a song by them called “Oh Yeah” is on the radio loop every two hours. It’s just awful. Every insult you can think of just isn’t harsh enough for how truly bad this band is. Red Rocket compared this band to Zeppelin and said it was ten times better than VH because they actually like each other. If you’re going to get a supergroup together, make sure the musicians are decent and not the biggest cunts modern rock has seen in the past thirty years. Asia was a better supergroup than these guys. Maybe we’ll see a joint tour with Chickenfoot and Savage Animal or whatever the hell that VH1 supergroup was.

  • waka waka -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am

    This article is junk. van halen is one of the greatest american rock and roll bands ever. one of the best selling musical artists ever. 60 million copies or so. If you actually think “Eruption” sucks, then you don’t know dick about guitar, or playing guitar, or what a guitar “Should sound like”. Fuck you chip norman.buddyhead used to be cool, but now it’s just every other media format, trying to get ratings with car crashs and public hangings. BUDDYHEAD NOW OFFICIALLY BLOWS GOATS. Even worse than that damn chickenhead album.

  • Arg -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    chickenhead sucks, but rchcp and van halen are awesome. i think that buddyhead has officialy jumped ship. the buddyhead spectrum of musical taste has now been shrunken to about five bands or so that are approved as being good. now i think you’re just bitching about bands for the sake of bitching, and it truly saddens me. im starting to think that the modern mainstream music fan has better taste than you arrogant cunts now. at least the mainstream douches can listen to a lot more stuff and like it.

  • Chip Norman -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Sorry Arg. I thought we were buds. I guess you won’t be happy until Buddyhead blows all 100 of Vh1s “Best Hard Rock Bands Of All TIme.” You’re going through the denial stage right now. Stick around and you might catch some good taste.

    And dude, I like about 7 bands.

    And waka waka:
    Let 60 million other jerks like Van Halen. Cockrock is cockrock, holmes. Not saying they ain’t written some decent tunes; they’d usually just rather suck is all.

  • Van Halen = Douce -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    I’ll admit, there are a couple decent Van Halen songs. That being said, anyone alive ever unfortunate to be born with the last name “Van Halen” is a douche. They were all spit forth from their mother’s loins instantly smelling of a seafood dumpster. Props were given where due to Diamond Dave, at least he knew when to give up.

    Some people may think that Buddyhead is selective with their good reviews, but has anyone actually listened to the radio lately. It fucking blows. The only people who would like this album live in south, shop exclusively at Walmart and are named Earl

  • Dream is Over -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    Never thought I’d see the day that Buddyhead sucked this hard. I’d rather listen to Chickenfoot than read another weak review or teenage angsty “Gossip” page from a dude who’s over 30. Yeah. Most music sucks. Got it. Seriously, who reads this shit anymore?

    And where the fuck is the Jubilee record?

  • julian -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    holy jeez mandy moore reviews marilyn manson reviews ben whateverhisnameis reviews we get it i already know this shit sucks before you tell me

  • I READ IT BUT I HATE IT -- Jun 11th, 2009 at 8:38 pm

    I HATE BUDDYHEAD.

    IT SUCKS NOW.

    BUT I STILL READ IT AND WASTE MY TIME CALLING THE WRITERS NAMES!

    I DO NOT HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN.

    THANK YOU.

  • luci -- Jun 12th, 2009 at 3:03 am

    Dudes who like Van Halen – You’re jerking off into a gym sock right now, aren’t you?

    Thought so.

  • VH -- Jun 12th, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Yeah VH fans, you better be careful. You’re mom might open the basement door and catch you chocking your chikenfoot again.

  • julian -- Jun 12th, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    was that a dig at stevie ray vaughn? or am i missing some hipster inside joke here? “wanks worse than stevie ray” i dont get it what’s wanks mean like jerking off?

  • Chip Norman -- Jun 12th, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    You’re a bit dense then, aren’t you Jules?

    Wanking = a dysphemism for obnoxious guitar soloing.

  • julian -- Jun 13th, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    oh ok excessive noodeling i get it ive never heard that usage before. but come on man i cant know every slang terms second and third meanings you know? SRV bashing is low though

  • RyanFuckingMc -- Jun 14th, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    This band is absolute horse shit. But then again, so are all the new reviewers. Guess Buddyhead just squeaks by as being the lesser of 2 evils.

  • Jen -- Jun 15th, 2009 at 2:46 am

    Dude, you post more comments than there are articles. It’s kind of pathetic. Did RyanF’nMc get turned down for a reviewing position or something?

  • Mic. -- Jun 15th, 2009 at 8:52 am

    Dude, every song DLR ever wrote was about his (massive) cock. No one (NO ONE!!) takes them seriously. And RHCP?!?!? Please. Possibly THE WORST band to have ever existed, period. They were maybe okay for a hot second in the late 80s/early 90s. I’m willing to give them that. But everything they’ve cranked out in the last 10 years is absolute shit. You find me someone who actually respects RHCP as MUSCIANS and I’ll suck your dick, balls and all.

  • sean -- Jun 15th, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Mic, I’ll have to agree with that. RHCP would have to be the most OVERRATED band of all time, bar none. Not just for pure suckage, but in a lineup of bands that carry the praise of critics and the illusion of being great, they top the list. The icing on the cake for them is that damned singer, who so earnestly tries to sound soulful and in tune but sends my dogs howling every time they come on the radio.

    Eddie Van Halen + DLR was magic, though.

  • bronxband -- Jun 17th, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    HATE Van Halen & Dream Theater is even worse..but I kinda like this album…it’s refreshing in a way cause these guys don’t give a SHIT what anyone things and they’re just having fun…it’s vapid sure and there are lyrics but the beat is dead on and Sammy can out scream anyone and still be in pitch

  • CHRIS IN LINCOLN, NE -- Jun 17th, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    I’M SURE YOU’RE ALREADY MAKING FUN OF WHERE I LIVE, BUT I MUST SERIOUSLY QUESTION YOUR MUSICAL TASTE. THERE ARE ONLY 7 BANDS WORTHY OF YOUR PRECIOUS EARS? I HAPPEN TO HAVE HUNDREDS MAYBE THOUSANDS OF CD’S FROM HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT ARTISTS. I LIK TO THINK THEY ALL HAVE SOME QUALITY. MANY WERE POPULAR (NOT A NEGATIVE IN THE RIGHT ERAS), SOME WERE NEVER GIVEN A CHANCE. YOU MUST BE A MUSICIAN RATHER THAN A BITCH BITCHING ABOUT HOW REAL MUSICIANS SUCK AT SOMETHING YOU COULD NEVER HOPE TO DO. BY THE WAY, DOES DAVE MATTHEWS GIVE IT TO YOU UP THE ASS, OR DO YOU GRAB IT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS ALL BY YOURSELF? JUST WANDERIN WHERE YOUR MUSICAL PREFERENES CUM FROM!

  • Mool -- Jun 19th, 2009 at 4:09 am

    Chris Mate, self depricating humour, get it? didn’t think so…

  • Nice Review Dipshit -- Jun 22nd, 2009 at 8:35 am

    Sammy Hagar not withstanding, there are some awesome musicians here. You’ve got one guy saying RHCP have no musical talent, why are so many artists wanting Flea and Chad Smith to play on their albums? Beacause they suck?

    Apparently Satriani’s “excessive noodling” is not good guitar work. Who says? You, who I would imagine knows three chords and thinks that every riff should involve some kind of C#dim 9th just to show your musical wankery.

    It’s people like you that is ruining music with your elitist attitude that only a select few bands know how to make good songs. You probably cry yourself to sleep at night listening to some overblown multiple time signature wankfest by Frank Zappa.

    Take your crazy somewhere else, we’re all full up here.

  • Jimi Morrisohendrix -- Jun 30th, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    Oh ,stop it. Satriani’s music sucks. “Says who?” Says anyone who actually cares about music. Whether he can play guitar or not is totally beside the point and if you knew anything about rock, you’d know that.

    RHCP, if they’d always had Frusciante, never had Kiedis, and nixed most of the funk could have been a great, maybe all-classic band. Even with Kiedis, as long as Frusciante is there, and minus the funk, they can still make some decent tunes for sure.

    If Van Halen had stopped after a few albums they’d be legendary. But that synthesizer in “Jump,” alone, maimed this band beyond recognition–even before “the red rocker” joined.

  • Patrick -- Jul 1st, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    The world must be coming to an end when someone actually criticizes SRV! Honestly, I’ve always found him boring, overrated, and is it just me, or did the guy never sing and play guitar at the same time? Maybe it’s just a couple of songs– they all sound the same to me, anyway.

    Believe it or not, I made it through about four songs from the Chickenfoot record. Meh. The songs blend together, become background music after the third. Generic. Bland. Yawn. Maybe the ex-frat douchebags that hang out at my favorite sports bar would say something like, “this song rocks, dude!” before swigging their swill.

    For the record, I would take Zappa over any of this shit any day.

  • Anthony -- Jul 9th, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    Find it hilarious that there is even a forum for douchebags who write reviews while being ignorant about the subject matter (only 7 bands and whatnot). I’d love to hear who those bands are, by the way. Questions, though: Wasn’t Hendrix a noodler? Please try and say no. And then please try to dispute his contributions. Also, didn’t Iggy Pop sell his most popular song to a cruise line for their commercials (and to a Rugrats movie), but somehow he is getting away with it to put out the ‘art rock’ crap he’s done since? And as for the VH references, didn’t Led Zep and the Stones rip off a thousand bluesmen before them (and make a cock-rock bastard child)? Oh, but they get a passes? Seriously, Chip, it’s called progress. You don’t have to like it, but bands do different things to set them apart- industrial tones, blast beats, samples, rap… Whatever. Eventually, some other idiot will be giving the dismissive wank to Nirvana the same as you have to bands who have raised the bar. Or at least changed it’s configuration. Bottom line, yeah- the Chickenfoot album ain’t all that great. But at least they are out there, sweating for your consideration, and having a great time doing it. Who the hell are you? I hope you choke on your short-sighted, uneducated self-indulgent online pacifier. Waaah!

  • sean -- Jul 12th, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Anthony..the problem with that whole diatribe is that Chickenfood isn’t progress, as you claim. If you really dig pedestrian paint by numbers hard rock, go get educated and pick up the first Montrose album (featuring Sammy Hagar). At least they did it with testosterone.

  • California Teeth -- Jul 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Not sure who chip norman is, but his writing style (especially his humor) basically rapes that of travis keller’s/Aaron North’s. Do agree with him on the whole Attack Attack! stuff though.

  • Anthony -- Jul 14th, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Uhh… Did I call Chickenfoot progress? I was pointing out that YOU’RE whole diatribe is one-dimensional word noodling (seriously, anyone can hate Dream Theater, but a musical abortion? That’s like calling Salvador Dali a hack because you don’t like surrealism) But I’ll tell you what. Have a great life, no hard feelings. This website, while once humorous and entertaining, has become a mockery of itself. I have better stuff to do. Ta Ta.

  • CHICKENFOOT RULES -- Jul 20th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    This review is totally trashing the album, when this stupid editor/idiot is probably listening to marilyn manson or rob zombie. FEAR THE FOOT! CHICKENFOOT!

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