CFCF

Continent

Paper Bag; 2009

It’s very easy to gain preconceived notions about music by proxy.

I recently went to visit an old friend from college who lives in West Caldwell.  His roommate is a peculiar guy named Troy.  Troy is 28 years old and enjoys drinking beer and watching Lifetime.  Troy also named his cat Jesus Christ.  Troy is without a doubt the most frightening individual I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  At around 6:30 two Saturdays ago, my so-called friend left me alone in his living room with this man who I could only assume would be raping a child in the near future.  Terrified, with eyes darting around the room, I scrambled for a way to identify with my captor.  A copy of American Beauty!  He must like that movie!  I kind of like that movie!  This could mean that he chases high school kids, yet again re-affirming that I could die in this very apartment.  What’s he got here on the coffee table?  Focus, Sam.  Time is a fleeting factor.  Let’s see…hand lotion, some comic books…please tell me that’s not baby food….a Hot Water Music CD!  Jackpot!  Something kind of normal!

So I struck up a conversation about Hot Water Music.  To my surprise, Troy actually knew about something other than collecting human hair and ruining teen people magazines.  Who would have thought?

Anyway, we talked about music for a little while and the conversation eventually segued into this new album by a kid who called himself CFCF.  Troy was pretty enthusiastic about CFCF and insisted that he give it a spin for me.  Since I wasn’t too keen on the prospect of a semen covered death, I eagerly agreed.

Now, somehow I get the feeling that when Pitchfork media and Brooklyn vegan decided to back CFCF, they didn’t anticipate guys like Troy appreciating Continent.  You see, Troy is bad for business.  Troy not only lacks a graduate degree in either music or English, but very likely eats tuna out of a can and has a color coded porn collection.  He does not adhere to the critic stooge stereotype.  When guys like Troy enjoy CFCF, then CFCF along with their fan base of critic stooges begin to lose credibility.  Do you follow?  Suppose one day Bill O’Reilly rolls out of bed and decides that Taylor Swift is just the cat’s ass.  Bill then goes on a spree.  He buys all of her music and wears her t-shirts daily.  Now we can make a safe bet that a lot of overweight 16 year old girls are going to jump off of Taylor’s menstrual cycle.  It’s the same idea, only on a much larger scale.

So with a myriad of preconceived notions and the odds stacked against him, a week later I delve into CFCF with as unbiased of an ear as I can muster.

Turns out that CFCF is 21 year old Michael Silver from Toronto who made a name for himself “composing beats” (fuck…that’s never a good sign) for second rate performers whose songwriting capabilities weren’t up to the staggering par set by MGMT and the poster boy for fetal alcohol syndrome known as Kanye West.  Unfortunately, this resume is pretty indicative of his abilities.  His resume includes the likes of Cassie, Health, and even Genghis Tron which leads me to believe that we may have actually stumbled across the welfare office of the music industry…or the “I got these cheeseburgers” guy.

Continent doesn’t really do it for me and the whole “You have to listen to the notes he’s not playing” mentality is not only feeble in its own right but doesn’t pan out well in electro-pop sans vocals either.  Most of the time it just comes off as easily forgettable and Continent doesn’t exactly break away from the pack.

It’s not bad per say.  It’s just hardly noticeable.  Not hardly noticeable in an impressive, minimalist way, but hardly noticeable in an “I’m surprised this watered down crap made it off of the ½ bukake hard drive” kind of way.  Most of the tracks have digital drums but some lack actual drum overdubs for no particular reason.  The songs with no overdubs don’t have an overall dynamic that would permit their absence.  To me this comes off as either evidence of laziness or utilizing randomization and calling it art.

Seamlessness in an album is certainly something to strive for but when your listener is having trouble deciphering one song from another there’s a problem.  I guess the Fleetwood Mac cover is cool, but not nearly as cool as Fleetwood Mac’s.

In summation, I think that I could probably do this…better.  I had a guitar teacher back in high school whose policy was “We don’t criticize unless we think we can do a better job.”  Well look at me now asshole!!!  I’m writing a record review, harnessing my drinking problem, and putting rims on my fucking civic.  Eat it, bitch-tits!  Maybe one day you can come work for me!

I’m on ambien.

Sorry that was so boring…

I will not be “hanging out” with old friends from college for a very long time.

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