Remember the days when every little bit of news from The Icarus Line was broadcasted from Buddyhead? Ahh… the good old days. Well today they announced their new record “Slave Vows” (which by the way is the best album they’ve made in a while – I’m very excited) via The Quietus. Well, at least those limeys called em Post-hardcore… ha. Read below and watch the video filmed in Annie’s room. Pretty awesome. Try making a set like that folks.

“Post-hardcore Los Angeles four-piece The Icarus Line have announced that they’ll be releasing their new album Slave Vows (artwork above) on July 1 via Agitated.

Have a look at the first of four teaser trailers below, with the tracklisting following:”

THE ICARUS LINE SLAVE VOWS Part 1

1. ‘Dark Circles’
2. ‘Dont Let Me Save Your Soul’
3. ‘Marathon Man’
4. ‘Dead Body’
5. ‘No Money Music’
6. ‘City Job’
7. ‘Laying Down For The Man’
8. ‘Rat’s Ass’

Bam Margera has had a rough few years. In 2011, he very publicly lost it over his friend Ryan Dunn’s death, which was pretty tough to stomach. You’d think losing your best friend to drunk driving would be an eyeopener for him to get his shit together. But instead, he has doubled down on his shitheadery. Bam’s current hobbies include waking up to a nice breakfast of coke and oxycodone, doing donuts in his Lamborghini, and dressing like Joe Pesci at the end of Home Alone. When he has time in between getting treated for syphilis, he plays in Fuckface Unstoppable, a joke band(?) with his brother, girlfriend, and Brandon Novak. It’s gotten so bad that Chad Ginsburg, the CKY guitarist who looks like an extra on Pirates of the Caribbean, quit the band, saying he couldn’t watch Bam’s downward spiral any longer. That might be a wake up call, Bam. Another wake up call: Steve-O, the Jackass who once stapled his balls to his leg, has cleaned up his act, looks 10 years younger, and now does comedy tours. The comedy sucks but at least he’s less likely to die a horse semen-related death.

Bam Margera’s Reaction to Ryan Dunn’s death

First click play….

The musical genius known as R Kelly just keeps giving and giving to us and inspiring millions in the process. Dude is a healer. He’s given us “Real Talk”, “Trapped In The Closet”, “Girl I Wanna Get You Pregnant” and countless other hits…. now as he drops his second batch of Trapped In The Closet chapters, he also blesses us with this new Trapped In The Closet sound effect website – http://trapped.r-kelly.com/. I mean how else were you gonna burn through all the hours left in today? YOLO!

“Trapped In The Closet” Chapters 23-33

R. Kelly – “Real Talk” (Youtube Exclusive)

R. Kelly – “Pregnant”

“Knock you up!”

Here’s a sample of what you’ll find in these albums…
The Icarus Line -”Kiss Like Lizards” (original version)

The Icarus Line -”Walking With Jesus” (Spacemen 3 Cover)

The Icarus Line – “Golden Rush” (Sound Castle Session)

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE “MONO (expanded edition)”

“The first full length by The Icarus Line. Originally released on Crank Records and later on Buddyhead.
The bonus material is compiled from various unreleased vault digs. Mono (and bonus material) is incuded in full here, presented in WAV file format. WAV files are about as good as it gets for digital audio. Much better quality available here than ever before on the internet. Hear the debut record with new ears. For all of you that still have stereos this will be a treat. Recorded on 2inch and mixed down to half inch. Making Analogs.

All profits go directly to the band to fund future touring and recording. We never see a dime from Itunes/Record Companies so please buy direct from us here on Bandcamp. The bonus material will be taken down after our tour with Killing Joke so get in now. Graci.
credits
released 31 December 2001
Vocals, Guitar: Joe Cardamone
Guitar: Alvin DeGuzman
Guitar: Aaron North
Bass: Lance Arnao
Drums: Jeff Watson

Recorded by Mark Trombino and Alex Newport
Mixed by Alex Newport with The Icarus Line
Produced by The Icarus Line
Cover Image by Nina McDonald

The “Red and Black” ep line up is:

Joe Cardamone
Lance Arnao
Alvin Deguzman
Aaron North
Aaron Austin

“Kill Cupid” and “Never Gonna Make it” feature Mike Felix on drums

All BBC recordings feature Jeff Watson on drums

“Losing Touch” Features Troy Petrey on drums”

- Joe Cardamone

“Feed A Cat To Your Cobra” Music Video

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE “Penance Soireé (expanded edition)”

“The fan fave!
For the first time ever we have a full quality download of Penance. Whatever you have on your Ipod probably pales in comparison to the quality of this download. Not to mention we have never seen one royalty statement for this record ever so don’t buy it on itunes(etc.). The bonus material included here ranges from a good portion of our sessions for John Peel on the BBC to the pre production jam tapes from the months leading up to the recording sessions and everything in between. Also included are all B sides that came on the singles for the record.

As previously mentioned all profits are going towards funding our tour with Killing Joke. Thank you for your support and Enjoy!

Pitchfork Review:

pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/4153-penance-soiree/
credits
released 31 December 2004
The band for Penance is :
Joe Cardamone
Alvin DeGuzman
Don Devore
Aaron North
Jeff Watson

Penance was mixed by Alan Moulder
Produced by Michael Musmanno with The Icarus Line
John Wahl on Sax
Cover photo by Jason Noccito
Design by Matt Sohl
The band for the “Original Demos” is:

Joe Cardamone
Lance Arnao
Troy Petrey
Aaron North
Alvin DeGuzman

The band for the BBC sessions is the same as the record except Troy Petrey is playing drums on a couple tracks. Also Lance Arnao is on Bass for a couple tunes.

All of the “Wet and Dry” sessions and “Vernon Tapes” are the line up as they appear on the record.”

- Joe Cardamone

“Up Against The Wall” Music Video

Party The Baby Off” Music Video

“Spit On It” “Music Video”

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE “Black Lives at the Golden Coast (expanded edition)”

“The last installment of the “expanded” download series. Black Lives was the red headed step child of the bunch but often more rewarding in the long run. Bundled into this download are a couple different sessions. Everything that is labeled Sunset Sound is from the sessions for the record V2 released. Also the Sear Sound mixes are from that same session but offer alternate viewpoints into the making of Black Lives. It wasn’t an easy one to make and the band that was making it was no more before it was even mixed. You can hear that in the final product for better or worse. Notice there are a lot of songs that appear more than once here. The reason is the versions are so different from each other you can see how rapidly tunes evolve and how every day offered a new perspective. We were never shy about trying it differently. The Sear Sound mixes are from that same session at Sunset but offer alternate viewpoints into the making of Black Lives. Mixed as roughs by producer Michael Musmanno. He mixed the whole record in a day and a lot of it sounds great.

The tunes labeled Virtue are from one of many false starts on what was to become this record. We holed up at this dude Jimmy Boyles studio by the farmers market and got stood up by our engineer. Brian Virtue helped us get a couple of the songs mixed so that we had something to show for it. The Soundcastle sessions were the first we had done after Aaron left and Don was moved to guitar. We had something to prove and they sound pretty great even now. Lastly, Dying at the Little Joy. This is the live audio portion of a strange rehearsal/live record we did at Little Joy in Echo Park. This is the first recording of the band that would make WILDLIFE. It was filmed and recorded at 9am so that we could get the bar for $150. Not the finest hour for a rock group to get it on but I think that this collection of gents were some of the finest around. Rock N Roll Animals!

Thanks for listening to this shit and downloading the new expanded records. Although it seems like there is a lot of ground covered there is still so much unreleased stuff. Maybe some more might leak out later this year. As with the other records these will only be up until the end of the Killing Joke tour and are of a higher quality than anywhere else on the internet. Buy Direct!

Thanks for your support and hope you enjoy some of this noise.
credits
released 31 December 2006
The Black Lives band is:

Joe Cardamone
Don Devore
Jeff Watson
Alvin DeGuzman

Black Lives at the Golden Coast was produced by Michael Musmanno
Mixed by Dave Mcnair
Cover photo by Dan Monick
Layout by Matt Sohl
Mastered by Howie Wienberg

The Dying at the Little Joy band is:

Joe Cardamone
James Striffalino
Jason Decorse
Alvin DeGuzman
Jeff Watson

Dying was recorded and mixed by Michael Musmanno
Produced by Musmanno/Cardamone”

- Joe Cardamone

“Gets Paid” Music Video

“Slayer” Music Video

Band On The Run Re-Issue goodies

Looks like Paul McCartney (or “his people”) figured out what Topspin is, cuz they’re using the shit out of it for his re-release of Paul McCartney and Wings’ 1973 album “Band on the Run” which (aside from “Ram” and that “The Firemen” record he did last year with Youth) is prolly my favorite Paul solo project. Oh and SURPRISE! The re-issue of it is out today! Which is why their highly-paid PR person emailed me these four podcast episodes, which are actually pretty killer. I watched em while I ate my morning salad and drank my coffee. And I even gave em my email for this shit below, but only because I didn’t realize you just got an mp3… I misread and thought it was a contest to win a trip to Lagos! Damn!

Get a Free Download of “A Trip to Lagos” featuring Paul & Wings:

Now, here’s where I ramble about myself… So like most people with common sense, aside from Ringo, Paul is my least favorite Beatle. But even having said that I’m pretty stoked on anything the man touches, it’s like saying “that’s my least favorite way to win the lotto!” He’s a fucking Beatle man, even his shittiest records trumps 99% of everything else. I’m just happen to be much more of a John Lennon fan, mainly because he wrote the best Beatle songs and “Plastic Ono Band” changed my life (or saved my life). Although I’d rather listen to “Band On The Run” than that bullshit “Double Fantasy” re-issue shit I just got in the mail. Fuck Yoko Ono, still. Now if I would have been sent that new Lennon Boxset I’d be singing a totally different tune. Yes, I can be bought! Fuck you, pay me!

Anyways, Band on the Run is available in a variety of formats including a Standard Edition (single CD), Special Edition (2 CD/1 DVD), Deluxe Edition (3 CD/1 DVD), and Vinyl Edition. Ohhh boy I’m hoping they send me the Deluxe Edition and the Vinyl edition cuz I consider myself to be (greedy,) modern with a touch of connection to the old world. Do it!

Buy Band on the Run – http://www.paulmccartney.com/bandontherun

Ok… now watch this shit. It’s actually pretty cool, I wouldn’t just post this shit so I get free Paul McCartney shit. I swear.

Podcast Episode 1: Making Band on the Run

Podcast Episode 2: Wings in Lagos

Podcast Episode 3: Band on the Run Deluxe

Podcast Episode 4: Wings The Band

(courtesy of www.streetbonersandtvcarnage.com)

We can’t hang out anymore dude cuz you’re officially off the reservation Mel.  Good news is that you can finally make that sequel to “Man Without a Face” called (drum roll please) “Asshole Without a Career”. Plus now you’re really gonna find out who your true friends are cuz let’s face it, NO ONE wants to hang out with the guy who drops the “pack of N-BOMBs” phrase!

Deerhunter has a new album coming out via 4AD on 9/28 called “Halcyon Digest”. We still can’t believe that dude isn’t on drugs! Even though we know different we wanna say homeboy is trippin’ Jack Daniel’s. If you wanna get their first single from the new record as well as an exclusive non-album track emailed to you, print out THIS flyer, photocopy it, hang it up around your town, take a photo and send the results to flyers@halcyondigest.com. Punk rock is making kids work for free!

Fans of backwards baseball caps, date-raping, doing the Dew (Mountain Dew), white guys rapping, beer bongs and the word “broseph” should be all excited right about now, because Linkin Park is not only still a “band” but Rick Rubin just got done trying to polish a new turd from them. No matter how hard you rub it just won’t shine will it Rick? Yep, they have a new Rick Rubin “produced” album coming out that they’re calling “A Thousand Suns’. We’d love to have been a fly on the wall while Rick Rubin discussed those tones their DJ was getting in between vicious bites of vegan donut from the downward dog position. How has that man defied odds and not only become the world first overweight vegan but also been in the recording business for about 60 years and still doesn’t know how to set up a mic or where the “record” button is.

If you like Black Metal a lot, you should check out the band Liturgy.  However, if you REALLY like Black Metal there’s a lot of shit you should also check out… things like talking to other people outside of ones you meet in World of Warcraft, fresh air, the idea of hygiene in general, sun light, books on how to meet women/men, facial cleansers, colors other than black, living in places other than your parents basement etc etc.

We’re joining this tribe! Fuck yeah, calling on the great spirit to get Led Zeppelin back together?!

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Apparently bummed that, despite his best efforts, CIA/FBI hasn’t recognized him as an equally large threat to the American way of life as Kim Jong Il, Jared Leto took a page from the dictators playbook and apparently ordered his stylist to make him look “Axis of Evil goes to a gay dance club”.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Looks like we’re packing up this little site and calling it quits! Prince stated this week in an interview that: “The Internet’s completely over, I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can’t get it. At one time, MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.” Hey dinosaur! Correction there, our little purple friend (who doesn’t want anyone looking him in the eyes)… We’re pretty sure it’s actually shitty jazz-funk fusion music that’s over dude. You haven’t made a decent record in over a 1/4 of a century. Sure at one time Prince was relevant and made good records, but times change bitch. Welcome to 2010 fruitcake!

What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Hey Rolling Stone, could you find an uglier and more untalented transvestite to feature half-naked on your cover? Larry King has a better body and the dude who played Nosferatu in like 1920 has a cuter face…like currently. Lady Gaga has taken several beatings from the old ugly stick. Chick is brutal looking and her music is even worse yet she has over 10 Million fans on Facebook, you do the math!?!  If you’re one of those people you’re gonna feel really stupid one day ala Vanilla Ice. And before you give us that bullshit line about her actually being able to play piano, check out the photo below bitches!

George Michael can’t not go off! Dude is a train wreck. We’re hoping he’s added “driving” to his list of “SHIT I SHOULDNT DO ANYMORE” along with “public toilets” and “inspiring Limp Bizkit” cuz last Sunday morning at around 3:30am he was arrested for crashing his Range Rover into a Snappy Snap store. A police spokeswhore only had this to say: “Officers attended and a man in his 40s was arrested on suspicion of being unfit to drive. He was taken to a north London police station and later bailed to return on August 13 pending inquiries.” Now that’s what we call a party!

At this point, we’d rather be hooked up to a semen I.V., let Stevie Wonder shave our balls with a straight razor, or watch 2 Girls 1 Cup with our parents than hear another goddamn Sleigh Bells song.  Someone please knock that chick up so she’ll go on maternity leave, like permanently. Everyone who’s championing these two Funkadelic-Riff stealing dorks needs to get bitch slapped. Yeah we’re looking at you Pitchfork, Stereogum, New York Times, etc. Strut that ass and walk the gutter!

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Blonde Redhead announced they’re coming out with a new record. The fact that we kind of got excited by that news made us feel old.  Kazu is still fucking mint though, which is good news esp since a horse did the locomotion on her face like 8 years ago.  However, we’re pretty sure she also smells like stale jasmine incense and wasabi. Whoa that’s a full rainbow!

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Wanna buy Dave Matthews personal tour Bus? It’s a 1999 Van Hool T-945 and is going for a cool $79,000.00 HERE. We heard they’re giving you a complimentary world’s whitest person award if you win the auction.  That’ll go great with your khaki shorts and teva’s champ! Double Rainbow, Oh My God!

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Is anyone else blown away by how many middle-aged broads are totally aching to commit statch on that Justin Bieber kid? Bieber Fever! Wake up! He’s even too young for your daughters you old sluts!  He also looks a lot like your daughters… http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/

Korn just played a show in a crop circle they made in their home trailerparking lot of Bakersfield. “The setting and the mood took us into a totally new direction musically,” frontman Jonathan Davis said. Guitarist James ‘Munky’ Shaffer added: “I felt like we were on some new frontier musically for Korn. This is definitely going to add a new dimension to our live shows.” When asked how playing in a crop circle could possibly lead them in a new direction musically bassist Fieldy apparently looked up from his coloring book, swallowed that booger he’d been workin on and said “we just wanted to see if we sucked as much in a crop circle as we do on a normal stage. We do. We’re really excited to see what kinds of settings other than rectangular stages we can suck in”

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

A storage unit in Franklin, Tennessee being rented by 17 year old Hayley Williams of Parawhore and that 36 year-old tool from New Found Sum 41 was broken into over the weekend.  Among the items taken was a rare Minor Threat “Out of Step” test pressing said to be worth over $5,000.  At least now someone might listen to it.

3Oh!3 has a new album out.  Was that as infuriating for you to read as it was for us to write? If not, you need start watching Dr. Phil pronto kemosabe, cause we can’t help you. Among their album full of odes to date rape and bros icing bros, they got that trash-gash Ke$ha to look up long enough from whatever cock she was snorting coke off of to guest star on one of their songs.  Could someone out there check their Bible and see where this falls in the sequence of events leading to the end of the world? We just want to know how much fucking time we have left here.

Happy Birthday Courtney Love, you don’t look a day over 160 baby!

On a final note -  If you’re an indie band sending press materials out for review, here’s a tip: don’t say ANYWHERE that you’re influenced by Pet Sounds/Beach Boys/Brian Wilson.  Nothing screams “poser” louder and chances are your shitty record sounds a lot more like a collection of 3rd generation Grizzly Bear rip-offs than anything the laziest musical genius of all time came up with.  You were probably listening to New Found Glory 3 years ago until you read some asshole Pitchfork writer name check that record while praising a band for using excessive reverb on the vocal harmonies.  Pick a different pretend influence.  Thanks, Love, Buddyhead.

In what could we could only rationalize as a desperate attempt to scare their bassist fully out of his coma, the Deftones actually let the Bleeder-in-Chief from Paramore on stage to sing Maynard James Keenan’s parts from the song “Passenger” off of White Pony.  In other news the NAACP is planning on asking David Duke to recite Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech” at it’s 50th anniversary celebration in 2013 while Ringo & Paul recently lined up Mark David Chapman to sing and play guitar on a new Beetles tribute album. Good work dudes!

Speaking of Mark David Chapman, the dude from 30 Seconds To Uranus who played him in career murdering fashion in that Lyndsey Lohan movie no one saw still hasn’t released that jaw dropping video he’s been threatening us with.  We are pretty sure it’s going to escalate the war in Afghanistan when it does come out, so we’re hoping he’s listened to us, hung up the guitar and the blond streaked hair extensions and filled out that Urban Outfitters application. That would be nice, but it’s more likely he just got lost in his own eyes when he went to check the mousse job his stylist did in the mirror.

Last week both The National’s Matt Berninger and Eels’ Mark Oliver Everett (pictured above on the right) have both been been mistaken for terrorists at airports! Surprise! That’s what you nerds get for having shitty beards man and being in boring sappy white guy bands! The best part is Berninger caused the evacuation of the Honolulu airport when he was taken into federal custody for carrying an alarm clock that looks like a bomb. Great move haole, you didn’t think the fake bomb in your bag might raise some eyebrows? Dude had this to say for his dumbass: “I had bought a novelty clock in Tokyo, some sort of MacGyver, goofball alarm clock that happened to look exactly like a bomb. And it was in my suitcase….I had the Honolulu airport evacuated for about 45 minutes. I ultimately had to surrender the alarm clock to the TSA but they were very pleasant and professional. They had done a great job and I thanked them and they let me go.” Sounds like he enjoyed the cavity search.

If you buy your music at Walmart, you better get ready dip into your Pork-Rind budget cause Disturbed are about to release the same album for the 5th time.  At least when Slayer does it, they’re regurgitating the same legendary album every time. We’re pretty sure the singer, aka Mr. Clean’s stunt double, was in the cast of Cats in the 90′s.  Watch his stage moves, you’ll see what we mean.

Slash is tripping again and taking his shitty solo record songs on tour in the US! Dude that’s like bragging to everyone you shit your pants. Call Izzy. Shit get the “Snake Pit” back together, dude.

Alternative Press, the alternative for people exhausted with the press covering bands that don’t make you want to kill yourself, caught up with the dude sporting the feathered hair and autotuned voicals in that infamous Attack Attack! video and asked him to give a track by track breakdown of their new record.  Surprisingly, the dude didn’t take Polaroids of 10 different hunks of shit but actually described with words what are sure to be the 10 worst songs released in 2010.  You can see what the opposite of Shakespeare looks like by clicking here.  Our favorite part about this is the blatant references to God and his greatness paralleled with song titles like “Sexual Man Chocolate” and references to pot.  That’s an “A” for irony there dude… but it’s still an “F” for every other conceivable thing you do!

The ugliest frontman in Rock is back with his early 2000′s nostalgia band Hot Hot Heat.  That’s right, Carrot Top look-a-like Steve Bays is back singing songs and turning people who look directly at him into stone. Unsurprisingly, their new record shies away from the weenie pop that lost them the major label deal riding on the Strokes bandwagon got them. Also unsurprisingly, it’s not any better.  Remember when “Rock Was Back” in like 2002 and bands like this, Interpol and the Strokes were getting their crotches motorboated by about every rock critic in the industry? We told you they all sucked back then. Now a little thing called History has our back. It’s gonna have our back on that Sleigh Bells band too.  You’ll see.

Blink 182 hit the studio this week to begin work on a new album. We used the word “hit” in that last sentence because a Blink recording is to a studio what a drunken redneck’s fist is to his wife.

Despite what Mark Sultan claims in the comments of Buddyhead (read em here), we were right, King Khan & BBQ seem like they’re breaking/broken up.   At a show earlier this month at Australia’s VIVID Live festival ended in ruin with a “huge screaming match” between the duo. BBQ played shows in South Korea last week solo and promoters are claiming that the band is done. Obscure Sound’s Jay Mattson, who attended the last gig, had the following to say:
“Soon after, everyone in the audience could hear the screaming. A projection screen was pulled down in front of the instruments and performing space, and Sultan was seated to the direct right of the screen. From behind the screen, the high-pitched screams of Khan resonated throughout the entire bar, partly because they were so loud, and mostly because no one else was talking, just listening. A visible Sultan was shrugging, calmly trying to converse with Khan about the state of their musical act. Khan’s drunken jeering and explosive insults toward Sultan kept coming, though. After conversing with my friends for a few moments, we came to the conclusion that one of two things was happening: 1.) The band was actually breaking up, or 2.) This was one of the most intricate and theatrical shows we’d ever seen.” Cocaine is one hell of a drug!

Chances are you had no idea that The BET Awards happened this past weekend but could prolly guess that they pulled a Michael Jackson tribute outta their racist award show asses. The fucked up thing is Chris Brown was part of the tribute. How the fuck does this guy have a career after doing THIS. Homeboy started crying like a little girl while covering “Man In The Mirror”, which is understandable cuz if we ever gotta hear late era Michael Jackson again we’re gonna ball our eyes out too. Let’s get one thing straight here, Michael Jackson was on more drugs than the entire North American continent and don’t forget that he touched kids. So for those keeping score, this week a violent woman beater paid tribute to a drug addicted freak show child molester. Way to go BET Awards!

So apparently Lady Gaga admitted to listening to Taylor Swift and called it her “guilty pleasure”.  That’s roughly on par with a kiddie porn producer saying that watching bestiality videos is his “guilty pleasure”. Excellent self-awareness there Rag stain.

“Helmet” is making another record without 3/4 of the band. Yep, Page Hamilton and three other dorks are squatting in a studio trying to push out a new album. Yeah dude we need a new Helmet record that sounds like an old Korn record in 2010 about as bad as we need to catch aids. Get a job bro.

Last Sunday master of knowledge, Andrew WK, took a break from “partying-hard” to post the following via Twitter: “SUNDAY TIP: Don’t do drugs if you don’t want to.” Thanks for the killer advice there hoss!

Speaking of partying-hard, we couldn’t even make up shit this sad… Motley Crue singer Vince Neil, who last week had declared his sobriety, was surpringly arrested on drunken driving charges after getting pulled over by police in his Lamborghini near the Las Vegas Strip. In an interview just last week about a tell-all book due out in September, Neil said he hadn’t used drugs in 20 years and had stopped abusing alcohol. Yeah bro, and pigs EVERYWHERE are starting to fly! Vince lied: “There’s just a point in your life where you kind of stop, that’s what happened with me,” Neil had said. “There’s other things in life than just drugs and alcohol.” The funniest part is he recently released a solo album actually called “Tattoos and Tequila” on which he covers 1970s rock songs and does a rendition of Elvis Presley’s “Viva Las Vegas.” You know that’s a good listen. This arrest isn’t Neil’s first drunken driving case. In 1984, he crashed a sports car head-on into another car in Redondo Beach, killing his passenger, Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, 24-year-old drummer for Hanoi Rocks. Neil, then 25, wasn’t injured. He later pleaded guilty to manslaughter and drunken driving, served 20 days in jail, and agreed to pay $2.5 million in restitution to victims. The crash coined the phrase “Don’t “Razzle” me dude!”, which you can use if you find yourself in the car being driven by a person under the influence of alcohol.

Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd is set to release his first solo record (and we’re guessing first record with out a DJ?) called “The Wild Trapeze”, next month. The album’s lead single is called “Runaway Train,”  so we’re gonna go out on a limb and bet that no one close to him has the heart to tell him about Soul Asylum being him to the punch by about 17 years.

We’ll leave you this kids: somewhere out there, as we write this, Omar Rodriguez-Lopez is playing guitar, thinking what he just wrote is genius and recording every second of it.  Haunting, isn’t it?

Ok, so we reported on the new craze among gothic-dorks who wack-it to those retarded Twilight movies: Werewolves. Yeah, as if attending public school wasn’t hard enough to start with, these nerds are just cranking the “PUNCH-ME” knob to 11 by wearing animal contact-lenses, black lipstick, tails, and ONLY  goth costumes sold at Hot Topic. We’re not sure who this Josh character is, and we’re suspicious this video is a joke, but, if it is real, he sounds pretty fuckin’ cool! High five  for the Van Helsing nuke you dropped on this spoiled little brat. Our heart goes out to this selfish little perma-virgin brat’s mom who prolly worked her ass off to buy him that video game, only to watch it get thrown into the woods for Sasquatch by her only freaky offspring.

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What’s up with rich white kids always needing a reason to cry about how hard their lives are? Your life isn’t hard, in fact we can’t
believe it’s only Josh that’s fucking with you… if you attended the schools we did growing up, people would be forming lines to punch the wolf outta you. Also, way to rebel by emulating the most crass and shallow movie franchise in popular culture! Kids these days are digging really deep for their subcultures it seems.

Attack Attack! reportedly have a new record coming out soon and they were kind enough to let it stream online at their myspace page. In an unrelated story, the CIA reportedly has recently discovered a new interrogation method and expects to learn the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden by Father’s Day.

The new Attack Attack! record is self -titled. Slick move dudes, that’s the same as telling people twice not to buy your record! Fair warning! The cover of this packaged audio-rrhea features a dead body floating face-up in a lake. Surprisingly, we took a poll of music fans and 100% of the people who weren’t retarded that we asked said that they would rather actually be that dead body than have to listen to this new Attack Attack! album. We just can’t wait to see if they can make a music video worse than that last one they did (here).

Speaking of sucking, why are the Stone Temple Pilots back? Not being a band seemed like such a better move for those guys. Can someone show the guys in “STP” the place where the needle snapped off on the irrelevancy meter the day that their comeback album was released? Seriously Weiland, fuck this sober shit! Get high to deal with how lame you are. Rock n’ roll rule #234: no frat guys allowed in bands. If you were EVER in a fraternity then you’re not allowed to rock. Sorry man, that includes you Scott.

People in England love Adidas jump suits so much every single person is issued one once they are old enough to walk (and kick a soccer ball). Those Brits have no idea how ridiculous they look in these jumpers for some reason, it’s fuckin’ weird. The year Gang Of Four and New Order played Coachella, every member of both bands was decked out head to toe in Adidas We’re gonna blame it on all those soccer balls to the heads growing up. So point is, Adidas makes crazy loot off these rotten teeth having Gremlins over in England. So much loot in fact that they remade Star Wars with Snoop Dogg, Noel Gallagher, Ian Brown, Ciara, Jay Baruchel, Franz Beckenbauer, David Beckham, Daft Punk and a few other people that are only famous on that gloomy little
island.

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The original GILF, Blanche from the Golden Girls is dead. RIP Old Girl, you gave elastic-stretch pants a good name.

So this is still happening somehow. Yep, new Korn video. Sick bass tone as always Fieldy, good thing to know those first 8 albums weren’t a fluke, you really know how to make that baby fart.  In case that drummer in the back looked familiar to you, you might be recognizing him as the former drummer for none other than “Diamond” David Lee Roth. Tell you what dudes, fire that dork and hire this drummer and we’ll talk:

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Yes, we found the best drummer in the worst band, world meet Steve Moore. This dude has to be a complete fucking psychopath cuz otherwise why would he be in this lame ass cover band? Check out his website http://maddrummerinc.com/ & his drumming DVD titled “Over The Barrel”, Travis has a birthday coming up on July 6th… I think you know what to do!

So everyone is shitting themselves over some boy/girl duo called Sleigh Bells, which features a dude who used to be in Poison the Well and a chick that sang in a girl band that was around for less time than the average menstrual cycle. if you haven’t heard Sleigh Bells consider yourself blessed cuz these dorks make Crystal Castles sound like Portishead circa 1994. Just try and imagine the whitest hip hop beats coming out of a shitty boom box sold at Radio Shack, recorded by the cross-eyed bass player of Korn with a Fisher Price toy microphone dropped in the center of the room with one of the Spice Girls singing in the background. Yes, the entire album sounds like that. We are about as amused with this shit as The Dude is with The Eagles.

So apparently that river-pig Robyn is still out there murdering the Swedish tourism industry by opening her mouth -

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

This shit sucks worse than having to do math. This chick has been reinventing pop lameness every other year for the last 15, this year she’s doing a potpourri of Lady Gaga and MIA. If there was a place called Hell, Robyn’s tunes would be playing in the elevator down there. Someone needs to grab this chick and slap the yodeling out of her. Slapping girls is ok, right?

We’re not entirely sure this isn’t a hoax but supposedly a bunch of “famous women” are doing a Steel Train cover record:

.  A Steel Train COVER record? That must because Steel Train has sooooo many fucking CLASSICS? Oh, wait, no.  Dudes, you’re letting Tegan and Sara cover you on a record?  That’s like asking O.J. Sipmson to portray you in a movie.  Also, who keeps turning on microphones in front of Scarlett Johansson?  Probably the same people who let her husband be in movies.

Someone got Kanye West to stop crying “You’re Still Number 1, Man” into the mirror by reminding him he hasn’t pussified hip hop with a new cut in like a year.  His new song “Power” supposedly “leaked” last week and for some reason people seem to think it’s good. How do we know? Cuz people keep sending the track to us to listen to, people are funny sometimes. Look here are Buddyhead’s rules with rap music… unless the message of the song is along the lines of “Fuck The Police”, “Cop Killer” or any of
the topics Ice Cube covered on his first three records we don’t give a fuck about some millionaire rhyming over toy keyboards, an auto-tune chimpmunk chick singing a chorus and a three second loop of music!

Lowest Common Denominator Soundsystem have a new record coming out this week, which means it’s Christmas if you work (for free) at Pitchfork. It’s just another Tuesday if you’re anyone else. If you consider yourself an LSD Soundsystem fan, pat yourself on the back for keeping medicore music alive! It’s like bad techno without the good drugs, what the fuck is the point in that?

Hawthorne Heights also have a new record coming out, which means it’s Christmas if your mom is also your sister. Bada-bing!

Danzig took a break from lifting weights in his front yard (while listening to Danzig 1 & 2) long enough to record a seventh Danzig record that he’s calling “Deth Red Sabaoth”. Apparenty Glen is about as good at spelling as he is at catching punches, check out the new music video from the album’s first single “I’m A Short Comic-Book Nerd, Watch Me Get Decked!”

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

So apparently lots of people are convinced Michael Jackson is still alive and he faked his own death to clear his name from the child molestation charges and he’s now making a movie that will show what a joke the media is, who’s really in control of the government and how easy it is to score a shitload of pills. We’re mainly concerned with that last part.

Unless your name is Michael Jackson, you will never be this high!

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Speaking of drugs, it looks like we know what Scott Ian’s drug of choice is: the shaking heads and disappointed looks of disgust Anthrax fans give to him as he repeatedly and incessantly attempts to destroy that band’s legacy. First it was was Vh1′s I’d Fuck the 80′s, then it was teaming up with Jurassic poops like Sebastian Bach in the supergoup “Savage Animal”… I mean, “Damnocracy”.  Now it’s teaming up with fucking FALL OUT BOY for “The Damned Things”.  Yep, another supergoup with “damn” in the title! Can’t wait to see if lightening sucks in the same place twice!

We’re hitting the road for a little rock n’ roll up north in Toronto next week for the North By North East music festival. There will also be an official Buddyhead NXNE Showcase featuring some of our favorite rock bands around, Travis will be DJing a few parties and also stalking Mudhoney as well as Iggy and The Stooges!!!! By the way, who looks like who? Does Mark Arm looks like Iggy Pop or does Iggy Pop look like Mark Arm? If you’re gonna be in Toronto that week make sure you come to our show, bring us some Canadian greens and check out our sizzling HOT line-up below! We’re doing Canada right, finally!

BUDDYHEAD NXNE SHOWCASE!
Friday June 18th, 2010 @ The Great Hall
(1087 Queen st. w)
8p Simone Felice
9p Avi Buffalo
10 AA Bondy
11p John Doe & Exene Cervenka
12a Mini Mansions
1a The Icarus Line

How about that? We gave you two Gossips in a week! Looks like all you Negative-Nancys in the last week’s comments are dead wrong. Either lightning does strike twice sometimes or we just happened to give our crack pipes a rest this week. Now you an0nymously angry bears in the comments can tell us exactly how a fat-dick-sandwhich tastes!

Like Buddyhead? Wanna keep us alive? Wanna support the cause? Well the best way to do that is to buy merch from our store @ http://www.buddyhead.com/store or Pre-order the Buddyhead / DVS shoe for $55!

Oasis – Talent = Beady Eye.  Yep, Liam and co. decided not to go full retard and changed the name from Oasis to “Beady Eye”.   At least they’re not gonna rape the corpse of a good band by pretending that losing the dude who wrote all the good shit doesn’t matter.  Plus Andy Bell (from Ride) will be on guitar… so maaaaybe this isn’t gonna suck? Either way, you guys should just call your new band “Hiroshima” cuz Noel’s record is gonna nuke you turds!

Either way we’ll be listening to this shit and getting it wet EVERY NIGHT. Crowfeather is to panties what the singer of Fall Out Boy is to Cheetos. Now you see’em, now you don’t! Get some black magic, chump.

What’s the difference between Reel Big Fish and a Rhino? Reel Big Fish has the asshole up front and the horns in back. Badda-Bing!

Yeah yeah, no one cares, but as long as these dudes keep playing, we’ll keep reminding you they suck!

Looks like there is some correlation between having brain damage and becoming an American Idol judge, cuz Bret Michaels will be replacing Simon Cowell. We have no idea how being an expert in bedazzling cowboy hats, having the world’s largest collection of bandannas and knowing the proper way to sanitize stripper poles has to do with karaoke, but hey, us here at “The Head” wish him luck.

Speaking of brain damage, a roadie of Led Zeppelin speaks!

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

One of the dudes in Slipknot died. At least he’s not in Slipknot anymore.

Tool are practicing in LA and getting ready to tour. Fuck yes!

Carlos D quit Interpol. Not only are they out a bass player but there goes a really good cocaine hook up, one hell of a mustache, a few capes and the guy who was always down to take out the fat chick, “even the odds for everyone else” and “go hoggin’”. Those are some big shoes to fill new bass player guy.

So Target has a commercial that looks and sounds like a Vampire Weekend video… or maybe it’s that Vampire Weekend has a video that looks and sounds EXACTLY like a Target commercial?!?

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

We’re not really sure what’s happening here, but either way, we’re taking our business to fuckin’ Kmart.  Our question: which perma-virgin in Vampire Weekend has a mom or dad that’s a judge? There must be one, cause the only way we could ever imagine the RZA allowing his image to be captured by the same camera as this glorified frat party band is to get out of doing some time.  We would only be more surprised if ODB’s corpse was in the video wearing a Lacoste tracksuit and Ray Bans with croakies. Whoever was picked for the near impossible task of identifying the second single (i.e. finding the second least terrible song) from VW’s latest album had the foresight to realize the video would need lots of cameos plus that power bottom from Brokeback Mountain needed something to do between body oilings for his lead role in Prince of Persia. We’ve got a feeling that flask isn’t a prop.  Seriously kids, do like we said back on our Best & Worst of 2009 list, just listen to Extra-Golden instead.

So the singer of/only black friend of dudes in the band Killswitch Engage, Howard Jones, supposedly knocked up a porn star named Allie Foster.  We can’t verify the truth of this rumor but said porn star’s twitter has been full of statements publicly accusing poor Howard of being a dead beat dad (and now we’ve heard her account got hacked. We generally don’t care about shitty metal-core bands, so we’re way late to the dance on this one, but we smell a Maury Povich episode coming on.  You can bet in a few months that if that bun comes out of the oven as Wonder Bread and not Pumpernickel Howard is gonna be the happiest dude in a shitty band in the world!

John Lydon has reformed Public Image Ltd.  Geezer looks like an older Bart Simpson these days.  Is that Steve Vai on guitar?

The chick from Paramore showed her tits to the internet. At least she has done one worthwhile thing.

Trent Reznor and his wife have a new project/PDA fest called “How to Destroy Angels”.  Fun Fact: an anagram for “How to Destroy Angels” is “Trent’s old age shows, yo”.  Coincidence? We’re gonna do a documentary about dudes who decide to be in bands with their wives. Working titles are: “How to Destroy a Good Time” or “Guide to Bringing Sand to the Beach”.

Marilyn Manson still hasn’t killed us, which would make him full of shit and a giant pussy.

MIA is trying to be Buddyhead. Homegirl didn’t like what Lynn Hirschberg wrote about her in the New York Times so she posted the journalist’s phone number on her Twitter account. Hey there sista, we’ve kinda got the posting phone numbers on the internet market cornered so get your own shtick bitch!

Speaking of posting phone numbers… Call up pornstar Ron Jeremy @ 323.876.4080 and ask the hedgehog if he’s aware that one of his illegitimate sons has a music career under the moniker of Har Mar Superstar.

While you’re pranking calling douchebags, why don’t you give DJ Ashba a jingle on his cell phone @ 310.494.1428 and ask him how embarrassing it is to try and fill Slash’s shoes and fail miserably.

Speaking of cock holsters… the one from My So Called Life has officially poll vaulted over the line with 30 Second to Mars latest self-fellating video. Really dude, you’re making a war movie for yourself?  We just hope our enemies don’t see this shit, cause they’re gonna try to use as propaganda that American soldiers are pretty boy pussies.  We seriously wanna go off on this dude like Edward Norton did in Fight Club.  There is no human being, except maybe Liam Gallagher, more in love with himself.   Fuck you.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

And fuck you again for this one, dork.

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This dude is back and we’re stoked:

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

The Offspring have a new video and it’s great. We never thought we’d say that but we love what happens in this Offspring video, they should all end like this one.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Speaking of old people… The other night while at a friend’s house us old fogies here at Buddyhead were exposed to what we’ve come to find out is the hottest new little dark corner on the internet. Yep, we’re talking about Chat Roulette, the totally revolutionary and futuristic website that let’s you webcam (as well as text chat) with randomly selected people from all over the world! Fuck I guess we do live in the future that is 2010! Yeah sure we still don’t have any fucking hoverboards, but for now this will do for the next half hour. It’s a great way to see men of all walks of life jerking off in dark rooms in parents basements all over the world. Dick Roulette is like Christmas everyday if your name is Jared Leto!

A lot like playing a real game of roulette, every few weeks or so we drive into Hollywood and crack open the Buddyhead Po Box to see what records to review, death threats and love letters we’ve been sent. At first glance we were pretty sure what we saw the new Issue of Mojo in the pile of this week’s post office bounty! But upon further inspection we realized we’d actually been cursed with “100 Bands You Need To Know in 2010″ issue of Alternative Press. Opening that magazine after thinking it was the new Mojo is similar to dreaming you’re getting a blowjob and waking up only to find your dick jammed into a paper shredder. Question: Who is giving all these bands the same swooshed over haircut?

As if we didn’t already have a reason to hate that dork from Twilight, now “actor” Robert Pattinson has revealed his plans to make an album later this year because he is “annoyed” that his friends are all breaking into the music world. Yep, this little diva is “annoyed”! Check out this quote: “I want to do an album at the end of the year. All my friends are recording albums and I’m very annoyed about it. I don’t know how people can act and also sing. I’ll find some time to do it.” Look here fruitcake, NO ONE wants to hear music made by you, aside from a handful of zit-faced tweens and middle-aged riverpigs. How about you stick to melting the hearts of 12 year old boys and every portly middle aged woman stuck in a cubicle and leave the music making to MUSICIANS?!?

Speaking of Twilight, more kids are drinking that Kool-Aid than we even though possible. Get a load of this:

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

If you’re one of the members of the “Wolfpack”, you might have wondered when someone is gonna make an eHarmony.com for someone with an animal spirit like yourself? Bam http://www.punkmatch.com/ and Bam http://www.gothicmatch.com/.  Looks like we just got you laid chump.  However, as a return favor to us, before you join either of those sites, could you go ahead to this page http://www.vasectomy-information.com/ and read up! Thanks!

Phil Spector’s lawyers are tripping harder than a Dead-head in 2010, they’ve appealed his 2009 murder conviction, claiming he didn’t receive a fair trial. Good luck dudes, cuz here’s how it’s gonna go down… The judge is gonna take one look at Mr. Wall Of Sound who now looks like Mr. Silence of the Lambs and know the dickhead killed that girl.

Welp, the band Train is back ruining the good name of railroads everywhere with a new, inescapable single after giving our ears a ten year rest. Unfortunately, it seems they’ve spent that whole decade getting PhD’s in adult contemporary lameness cause their new hit and accompanying video pretty much are to radness what braces are to blowjobs.  If someone invented a technology that would allow only people over 45 to hear certain music, we would definitely recommend Train for the prototype for that device.  These dudes need about 2 hours of alone time with a prison chain gang, cause that’s the kind of Train they should be associated with.

Do you believe in Miracles?  You do?! Well you’re bummed Jesus freak cause, ironically, the Universe’s best example of whatever the opposite of a miracle, aka the Insane Clown Posse, believe in miracles too. So many of them! They even wrote a song about it.  Doesn’t it just infuriate you that these dudes are breathing the same air as the rest of us? These dorks are 40 now and they’re still doing the retarded circus clown thing?  We want to know how all the juggalos out there are responding to this religious turn from ICP.  We’re hoping they turn full on Christian and change their name to Immaculate Conception Posse.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Hell Yeah have a new album coming out and Vinnie Paul is selling his oven on Ebay.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

And seeing as how we mentioned Hell Yeah, we now have an excuse to post the best video ever posted on Youtube. The Jager video by Hell Yeah. Enjoy, again.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Like Buddyhead? Wanna keep us alive? Wanna support the cause? Well the best way to do that is to buy merch from our store @ http://www.buddyhead.com/store or Pre-order the Buddyhead / DVS shoe for $55!

Aside from almost losing an appendage, Buddyhead had to move twice- a very long crazy story filled with communication breakdowns, knife fights, deception, robbery, guns, drama and a lot of prescription drugs on top of delusion could be told here. While we were moving there was a torrential downpour in LA with tornado warnings (I shit you not), Travis had a two- part root canal, put his hand through a glass table, received the reward of 19 stitches in his left pinky finger (thanks to Dr. Frank for yanking em out at no charge – you rule) and some pussy- ass painkillers. Plus at least two of us lost our phones. We’re not trying to make you feel sorry for us. Some GREAT things happened too.  On February 16th, 2010 – Dios, The Henry Clay People, Signals & Brandon Intelligator filled up The Troubadour for Dios’ free record release show (success – thanks to everyone involved) and on the same day we released Dios – “We Are Dios” Buddyhead #31. Either way, this unfunny and seemingly unnecessary update on our personal lives is basically us giving you a really fucking good batch of excuses as to why this page hasn’t been updated like we promised it would be. Trust us, we’d rather be writing than getting teeth ripped out of our mouths or stitches weaved into our skin, but hey sometimes life steps in, kicks your ass and forces you to take a break. And momma always told us…. what doesn’t kill us makes us funnier.

While we’re on the subject of what happened since the last Gossip update: The LA Weekly decided to “honor” us with a Los Angeles Web Award. Pretty cool right? First we’re on the cover of their magazine with a great feature story written up inside by a real writer about our music website/record label and now a trophy for doing what we do? Let alone the same trophy Slash won (click here to see photos of the other nerds who won)! Hot damn! Check out the list of weiners here.

You’d think seeing as how we graced their cover for our music website that we’d win “Best Music Website” right? Wrong! Not that we can argue that Aquarium Drunkard shouldn’t of won. Justin runs one of the best sites on the net. Buut… we got a trophy that says “Best Flamer”. We don’t like to be negative when someone rewards us with something and apparently where they come from “Flamer” means person who talks shit. But where we come from, which is the English speaking world, Flamer means something slightly different. Nothing wrong with it, but unless our writer Ted Jahng has been making friends on Santa Monica and Highland late at night, we don’t necessarily think Buddyhead has really done much to be the best Flamer on the internet. We decided to look into LA Weekly’s definition of Flamer and found that they’re right for the most part, but the real Flamers are dorks who go onto forums and leave anonymous comments on websites talking shit. Guess all the dudes and dudettes who come here and say amazingly witty things like “You guys suck” are the people who really deserve this award. Way to go Flamers! In fact the best comment on this article will win a surprise, winner will be announced on the next gossip update. Oh and LA Weekly… don’t take offense. We’re Buddyhead, what did you expect? We love you and we’re proud to be Flamers!

In case you weren’t sure how ahead of the curve we are here are Buddyhead, we’d like to point out that even though it came out in 2010 we placed Vampire Weekend’s “Contra” on the Worst Records Of 2009 list and now the album hit #1 on the Billboard chart. Finger on the pulse over here, bitches! These ivy-league dorks with bongos are making it the first time that an independent band has sucked this hard and had no past history on a major label and debuted at #1. For the record, white people aren’t allowed to say “horchata”, EVER!

U2 have started writing a new album. If the year was 1991, Bono wasn’t into rockin’ Oakley shades yet, the Edge hadn’t started singing songs occassionally and the record they were making was called “Achtung Baby” we would totally care about this news.

Primal Scream are also writing a new album. Hey dudes, we’re gonna need you geezers to skip making another sober country album or whatever the fuck you were going for with the one before that. This time around you guys need to get in your creative space, which according your discography means you’re gonna have to drop some E, shoot some speed and kill some light. Bring us some of the heavy guitar rock n’ roll rave shit you guys are good at like you did with “Evil Heat”, “XTRMNTR” and “Vanishing Point”. Are we clear on this Bobby?

Richard Ashcroft has brought to life one of our darkest fears and is releasing a new solo album now that The Verve are back to being broken up. “Are You Ready?” is the title and we’re gonna have to go with, “Not really dude, the first three solo turds you released into this world were in league with getting a root-canal and only getting a handful of Tylenol 3’s! Where’s the heavy shit bitches?!?”

Can you imagine running into this dude above in a dark alley? Handle-bar-stache’? As always with this dude, we’ve got good Axl news and bad Axl news. Good news: Axl Rose finally took our advice (or maybe he just realized what decade it was and what color his skin was) and got rid of those Predator cornrows that homeboy has been rocking pretty much since Slash jumped ship after they butchered the fuck outta The Stones’ “Sympathy For The Devil” back in the mid 90s. While we’re stoked Axl isn’t rocking those ridiculous wigger braids anymore it doesn’t really make up for the fact that this dickhead who looks like he was hit by an Ed Hardy Scud Missle is able to tell people he’s the “new Slash”.

Is it just us or is Axl starting to look a lot like Rip Taylor?

In other Uncle Axl news, William proved he has his finger on the pulse and just signed up for his own Twitter account @ http://twitter.com/axlrose. Nothing is cuter than when old people learn new things! Now you can get your Axl rants slimmed down to 140 characters and even sent directly to your phone. And you can enjoy personal photos like the one below that Bill posts occasionally. I take it back, this does feel like the future with Axl rants being beamed through the air to my phone! You gotta love technology!

Also hanging ten and riding the technicalogic wave of the internet is Jeff Wood of SHAT! That’s right, just like W. Axl Roe, you can now get Jeff Wood wisdom anytime you need it by pointing your browser to twitter.com/shatband.One of our favorite Jeff Wood tweets so far is for sure: “JUST GOT DONE WRITTIN THE NEW HIT SHAT SONG ‘LINDSEY LOHAN LOOKS LIKE A MAN’ 4 DA NEW CD CUNT-A-DOODLE DOO”" Shat will be touring the United States next month. Lock up your daughters, mothers, children, blow-up dolls and small animals. www.myspace.com/shatpunkrock

Insane Clown Posse made a movie! We can’t figure out if “ICP Movie Big Money Rustlas” is gonna be more like the new “Trapped In The Closet” or Guantanamo Bay’s newest edition to their playlist. Either way, we can’t wait to see what these mongoloids with clown make-up created.

Keith Richards has given up booze. Whoa, that’s something like ZZ Top giving up beards! Or maybe it’s more like those dudes in The Mars Volta refraining from  growing bigger afros, getting into shortening their names and abstaining from putting out an album every other week…. BUT apparently hell is way chilly these days.  The legendary drinker – who once claimed he’d outlived several doctors who told him to stop – hasn’t had a drink in four months. But then again this Gossip is so old that myth could have been busted by now, we’re kinda out of it over here. The move reportedly stems from Richards witnessing his Rolling Stones bandmate Ronnie Wood’s public battle against booze and 21 year-old Russian mail order brides, and is taking stock of his own life. Well, Keith, you could look at Ron Wood as having a battle against booze, but here at the ‘head, we try to put a positive spin on it and look at him as totally winning against sobriety.  Find out what drugs you were on circa Exile on Main Street and get back on those, Rock and Roll needs you, mate.

Ozzy Osbourne was gonna call his new solo record that comes out in July “Soul Sucka”. We’re not making that up, swear. But after announcing the title online to the legion of half-wits known as Ozzy-fans, the possiible inventor of the head-bang has gone back to the drawing board. Sharon had Ozzy say that “When we put that on the Internet none of my fan base liked the title. They were like, ‘I can’t imagine me walking around the fucking house with the words ‘Soul Sucka’ on my T-shirt.’ So I was like, ‘Fuck it. I’ve got to come up with something else!’ ” Yeah you do. You should also try replacing the wack song titles you’ve probably got with more true to life things like “Confused Old Man Falls Down, Farts”, “Vocals Same as Guitar” and “Sharon’s Dick”.

In other Ozzy news, a documentary “about reconciling Ozzy’s past and looking toward the future” called “Wreckage Of My Past” and directed by Mike Piscitelli, written and produced by Jordan Tappis and executive-produced by mega Buddyhead-fan Jack Osbourne is due in theaters in late 2010 and it sounds cool. It’s supposed to feature interviews with all original members of Black Sabbath and be super honest. We can’t wait to see it and we’re gonna be pissed if we don’t get invited to some sort of premiere party with an open bar for posting this. Here’s the trailer:

WRECKAGE OF MY PAST from MIKE PISCITELLI on Vimeo.

Speaking of crazy old people… for more laughs than this Gossip update, pick up the new copy of Spin with Courtney Love for amazingly hilarious pull-quotes like “I DON’T DO DRUGS!” and “I AM A GREAT PARENT!” That shit split our sides seeing as we have the same dealer as C Love and half the time we need our shit homeboy is SOLD OUT!

Someone call up RCA records and tell them not even WE think it’s funny to exploit the retarded:

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Yeah, as she so eloquently put it, the three-holed mongoloid above is named Kesha. In case you’re one of those extremely fortunate people who don’t have anyone in your life who hates you enough to have exposed you to her yet, yer in luck – Buddyhead does hate you enough! So, we want to inform you that this sperm bank’s single, “Tik Tok” has had the the NUMBER 1 SONG in our nation for weeks. Don’t believe us? Read this and fucking weep: http://www.billboard.com/charts/hot-100#/charts/hot-100. Finding out that “Tik Tok” is the top song in America makes about as much sense to us as finding out the top selling dessert in America is called “Jizz-pudding”. Does not compute.

Ke$ha – Tik Tok

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The terrifying thing is that, by virtue of this being her debut single, this is likely the LEAST unlistenable song off her album “Animal”. We’re assuming that was chosen as the title because listening to this shit is like the hip-hop equivalent of watching a gorilla do sign language. Can you even imagine what the deep cuts sound like?  Shivers, kids.

Apparently, there’s a competition for worst rapper going on that we didn’t know about cause just when we thought Ke$ha spit up the worst rhymes we’ve ever heard, Cowboy Troy came into our lives. In an earnest attempt to prove to the country music establishment he’s one of the “good ones”, Cowboy Troy mixes country with hip hop into a little concoction he likes to call “Hick Hop”. The results make the 1986 Chicago Bears rap “The Superbowl Shuffle” sound like a lost Tupac classic. Get a load of this dork and compare for yourself:

Cowboy Troy – Hick Chick (Dance Remix): Click HERE.

Cowboy Troy – I Play Chicken with the Train: Click HERE.

The Super Bowl Shuffle:

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There’s also a Farm Remix (!) of “Hick Chick” so be sure not to deprive yourself of that little gem.

But that’s not all kids: There’s yet another entry into the contest and you don’t even need to know anything but their name to know they’re gagging on the dong of lameness. We’re of course talking about Los Angeles’s own Grammy Nominated LMFAO:

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Wow.  Wanna hear something pretty ironic? These two Geico Cavemen extras are the son and nephew of the legendary Berry Gordy, founder and leader of fucking MOTOWN! Guess sometimes the apple gets shot out of a cannon from the tree.  How did this happen Berry? Did you bang your sister while your brother banged your other sister? Perhaps the most mind blowing thing is that Mr. Gordy’s living reminder of the dangers of unprotected sex, Stefan Gordy (who goes by the  suitably retarded name “Redfoo” in LMFAO) was born in 1975. By our admittedly shaky math, that means this cretin is at least 34 years old. Are you fucking kidding us, hombre? 34 years old and “Shots! shots! shots! shots! shots! shots!”  is the best you can do? Looks like trust funds can buy all the stupid neon glasses and shirts with “I’m In (insert name of city) Bitch” you need, but can’t make up for talent skipping a generation. Nuk-akke’d!!!!

Nuked + Bukkake’d = Nuk-akke’d!!!! Yes, Buddyhead just expanded your vocab for the worst once again.

Jimmy Flame’s dream came true! Travis and Joel Jett knew Jimmy Flame (The Ayatollah of Rock N’ Rollah) back in the early 90s and his life dream was to become a Pro-Wrestler! See kids, sometimes your dreams do come true. Do you like how we left you on a warm and fuzzy note with this one? Got you in a spending money mood?

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

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