Demerol’s a hell of a drug. Well the big news is that Michael Jackson apparently parties hard, so hard that he went into cardiac arrest and now every fucking television channel is devoting 24 hour coverage on how rad “Beat It” was or whatever. Actually, I guess anytime a knife fight turns into some gay Broadway dance sequence, then you probably do have talent. And who can forget that the man actually possessed the recipe for “Jesus Juice”, a love potion strong enough to slay a pre-teenage Macaulay Culkin! I mean do you think MAC is crying over this? No way! Get real! We’re sure he’s so stoked. In fact we just heard his butthole finally exhaled. So anyway… story goes that MJ popped pills like ’05 Travis, with the help of the typical Hollywood “MD on payroll”, and his heart was like… “Fuck this shit, I’m outta here… KITCHENS CLOSED BITCH!” So yeah, dude is dead, and we’d like to remind you all one last time at what a rad topic MJ has been for us throughout the years. Thank you Mike.

Farrah Fawcett’s ass > Michael Jackson’s heart.

Yeah, Farrah Fawcett dies of anal cancer like 5 minutes away from where MJ had a grabber, and the world says “whatever” as TMZ trips over her tits to get a picture of Randy Jackson punching up numbers on a calculator. RANDY!

Sky Saxon from The Seeds died the same day as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. You can say overshadowed again. You know Sky is tripping balls with Syd Barrett right now, getting WEIRD!

So yeah, those three all danced with the reaper, but Fred Durst lives on. Scoreboard = Despair: 3 Hope: 0

File this one simultaneously under “dorkus” and “malorkus”… “probably” gay soft rock cracker shithead John Mayer is in a twitter-fight with that tubby Hispanic dude with gelled-up parrot hair and whiney bitch voice, Perez Hilton, that does some gossip site, that might remind you of this one (we did it first fat-ass) if it were run by… well by a tubby gay Hispanic dude with gelled-up parrot hair, and a freaky whiney bitch voice. Turns out that right after Perez got clocked in the face by some dude associated with The Black Eyed Peas for calling Will Smith I Am, a “faggot” and “fucking gay” (that also sounds familiar…), John Mayer, who isn’t just a member of the pink team, but also the president, decided he couldn’t not fumble over his Blackberry to vomit out his first thought of the day that didn’t have to do with Man-ass or tribal tattoos…and here it is (http://www.kansascity.com/stargazing/story/1268687.html).

The best part is the whole thing went down on TWITTER. DORKS! While CNN is cumming rainbows over some Iranians twittering while getting their heads bashed in from some glorified pig-cop-army, you two bone smugglers are fighting like two toddlers over a lollipop… what we’re trying to say (and boy did we waste a lot of time on these two..) is you really dimed that lame knob til it snapped off on this one, Johnny. Our favorite tidbit is he sets the whole thing off by offering to train Perez in “Krav Maga” – also known as “Jewhitsu” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krav_Maga) – to improve Perez’s “situational awareness”. Way to crowbar in that you know Krav Maga there tough guy! Now we finally understand how you’ve been touching rich famous pussy like the one attached to that chick from Friends… they can’t escape the choke holds. Anything else you want to add while you’re patting yourself on the back? No? Well, we’d like to add that your “singing faces” are about identical to most people’s “shitting faces”, so what do you think that says about your music? Nuked.

Perez Hilton is having a shitty week, which makes our black hearts spring rainbows of gold and glory. First the thing above, getting tanked by some rappers (and let’s put this in perspective too cuz getting your ass stomped out by the Black Eyed Penis is like getting fucked up by The Jonas Brothers), then crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee about it on youtube while the whole world watches, winces and then cracks up laughing, then he gets fucking TORCHED by GLAAD for saying “faggot”, which makes him cry more, then he announces that he’s gonna give all the money from his lawsuit against rapper-manager-guy (way too lazy to look up his name, let’s call him Ass Kicker) to the Mathew Sheppard Foundation, which basically told the fruity hate monger, “TAKE A HIKE FATTY”. Then finally here’s word for word what tons of fun posted on his atrocity of a blog (before quickly deleting it) when Michael Jackson was riding the dragon outta town:

“We knew something like this would happen!!

Michael Jackson was taken by ambulance from his Holmby Hills home to a nearby Los Angeles hospital on Thursday afternoon!!

Supposedly, the singer went into cardiac arrest and the paramedics had to administer CPR!!!

His mother is even on the way to visit him!!!

We are dubious!!

Jacko pulled a similar stunt when he was getting ready for his big HBO special in ‘95 when he “collapsed” at rehearsal!

He was dragging his heels on that just like his upcoming 50 date London residency at the 02 Arena, of which he already postponed the first few dates!!!

Either he’s lying or making himself sick, but we’re curious to see if he’s able to go on!!!

Get your money back, ticket holders!!!!”

EVERYONE HATES YOU NOW LARDO!

HBO has a new series out called HUNG, starring Jack White. We’re big fans and can’t wait!

YES. It is looking very official that Soundgarden is getting back together. We’ve had to write an open letter to Matt Cameron:

Dear Matt,

You told Travis not long ago that you read Buddyhead, so we hope this gets to you. You are our only hope against this travesty we keep hearing about called a Soundgarden ‘reunion’. Unfortunately, it seems that it may come true. Since you are already in a pretty successful band named Pearl Jam, we see no reason for you to partake in this nonsense. We won’t bother you with the obvious things Chris Cornell has done recently to wear the scarlet “P” for “Pussy”, but let us remind you of a little thing called the ‘bro code’, which we believe is applicable here.

The bro code clearly states, when your buddy bangs your girl, he must be destroyed and you can’t be cool with him again. Clearly, if your buddy runs a train on your girl with four total douche bags, this rule is multiplied. Chris is in violation of this. He has been going around performing Soundgarden songs for years now with four of the bigger dorks ever to grace a music stage. That, in essence, is running a train on the girl we will refer to as Soundgarden. It pains us to think either you, Ben, or Kim is cool with it. It doesn’t matter if Chris wrote those songs bro. Have you seen his ‘band’? He broke the code.

Oh sure, maybe Ben drank his fortune away and Kim squandered it all on hookers and beard coloring, but let us ask you: is that really your problem? That’s what’s you tell them is known as a “Y.P.” (aka “Your Problem”). Do us a favor, please stay in Pearl Jam and focus on making a better Pearl Jam album. Forget about this Soundgarden stuff. Work on getting Eddie down to his ideal weight too. Get him on the Subway Diet and hold letting him spread the cheddar so much. Maybe Pearl Jam can become the American version of Oasis and kick even more ass in the tail end if you work hard enough. Now sure, we know Pearl Jam has problems of it’s own, but at least Mike McCready was always a pussy, where as Chris Cornell was once a total badass rock god.

We write to you as huge Soundgarden fans. One might think that we would be excited at the possibility of a reunion. We are not. If someone didn’t get to see you crush Jesus Christ Pose 15 years ago, that’s his or her problem. Let it rest as one of the coolest bands of all time. You could be the only hope we have on this one. Don’t fuck up the legacy!

Love,
Buddyhead

PS: Next time we’re in Seattle, it’s Millertime on your dime.

Arctic Monkeys announced they got a new record coming out. No thanks! Also can you point me in the direction guy who thought that combining the words “Arctic” and “Monkeys” was a good idea? We like to laugh at retards. He’s right up there with the dude who put the “sham” in the “sham-a-lama-ding-dong”.

Blur’s back together. Oasis is still better.

There are way too many bands with “crystal” in their name, like Crystal Castles, Crystal Antlers, Crystal Stilts, Crystal Testicles (actually if someone wants to use that name, you have Buddyhead’s blessing). This is sorta like 5 years ago when it seemed like it was required for every new band to have “Black” somewhere in their name, 4 years ago when the same thing happened with the word “Wolf” or 3 years ago with the word “Fuck”. Time for a new “buzzword” for every band to start using, any suggestions? We vote for “diarrhetic” or “feces”… wait, what am I saying? We don’t vote, voting is for people who care….we don’t.

Speaking of bands with “fuck” in their name, are we snorting crazy drugs or would that band “Fucked Up” be boring even if this was 1981? What exactly is it about this band that separates them from hardcore bottom feeders like Pennywise or Sick of it All? It sure as shit can’t be their music. Is it the singer, who makes Dom Deluise look like Kate Moss, taking his shirt off at every show? It’s called the South Beach diet tubby, get hip to it. Oh and while you’re at it, you and the rest of your band might wanna investigate what happened in hardcore between 1985 and the present and start playing something we haven’t heard 10,000 times.

We’re also calling bullshit on that band “Fuck Buttons”. Are we supposed to think those red coats are geniuses because they stopped by whatever the limey equivalent of Toys R’ Us is to buy all their instruments. I guess the bright side is that when people get wise, you guys can just put “available for birthday parties!” up on your myspace and make a pretty smooth transition.

By the way Dom Deluise croaked too (we bet both literally and metaphorically) this past week…hey everyone SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, we can’t keep up. Despair: 4 Hope: 0

Billy Corgan and Kayne West must be in a contest to see who can embarrass themselves more in the press. Billy seems to be putting some distance between him and Kanye with this week’s douche-move. Yep, you can win a dinner with a bald millionaire cept’ you have to get the bill? Sounds like a lose-lose situation.

“Terms from the auction:

Includes: Lunch with Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins in LA or Chicago. Valid for 2 people at a mutually convenient time. Restaurant TBD. Winner is Responsible for the Bill.” We’re not sure who the winner will be, but we know who it won’t be cause…

…Ed McMahon died too . The dude from Puddle of Mudd didn’t. Despair: 5 Hope: 0

Kate Moss and the dude who plays guitar/cigarettes in The Kills with the stupid spock-rock (aka back of my head is blown out) haircut got into a fight at some hotel in London over who was gonna do the last rail of cocaine. Here’s the details: Shithead British Poser dude bugged out cause his rotten vagina’d girlfriend blew the last rail. They fight like two teenage girls. They both wear the same size of girls jeans. Anyways, homegirl must of known she was gonna lose the argument or something cuz she used her skeletoned diseased hands to chuck his “man-purse” into the swimming pool. Dude bugs out cause he lost his stash. Music has nothing to do with this story, and it never will for these people.

Courtney Love needs to kick us down some pills, she has WAY too many.

Finally, saddest of all, the Oxy Clean dude Billy Mays died. Tough, Unwanted Stains: 1 Hope: 0

Buy the new Dios record, we need to eat and shit. Full length soon, yo.