Mel Gibson GOES OFF! He goes off so hard we realized that what we thought of before as “off” before was actually “on”. Dude is about one “Jewish instigated war” away from entering the O.J. Simpson/Phil Spectre club. What kind of man hits the mother of his kid in the face while she’s holding said dream killer in her arms? Mad fucking Max, that’s who!
We can’t hang out anymore dude cuz you’re officially off the reservation Mel. Good news is that you can finally make that sequel to “Man Without a Face” called (drum roll please) “Asshole Without a Career”. Plus now you’re really gonna find out who your true friends are cuz let’s face it, NO ONE wants to hang out with the guy who drops the “pack of N-BOMBs” phrase!
Deerhunter has a new album coming out via 4AD on 9/28 called “Halcyon Digest”. We still can’t believe that dude isn’t on drugs! Even though we know different we wanna say homeboy is trippin’ Jack Daniel’s. If you wanna get their first single from the new record as well as an exclusive non-album track emailed to you, print out THIS flyer, photocopy it, hang it up around your town, take a photo and send the results to flyers@halcyondigest.com. Punk rock is making kids work for free!
Fans of backwards baseball caps, date-raping, doing the Dew (Mountain Dew), white guys rapping, beer bongs and the word “broseph” should be all excited right about now, because Linkin Park is not only still a “band” but Rick Rubin just got done trying to polish a new turd from them. No matter how hard you rub it just won’t shine will it Rick? Yep, they have a new Rick Rubin “produced” album coming out that they’re calling “A Thousand Suns’. We’d love to have been a fly on the wall while Rick Rubin discussed those tones their DJ was getting in between vicious bites of vegan donut from the downward dog position. How has that man defied odds and not only become the world first overweight vegan but also been in the recording business for about 60 years and still doesn’t know how to set up a mic or where the “record” button is.
If you like Black Metal a lot, you should check out the band Liturgy. However, if you REALLY like Black Metal there’s a lot of shit you should also check out… things like talking to other people outside of ones you meet in World of Warcraft, fresh air, the idea of hygiene in general, sun light, books on how to meet women/men, facial cleansers, colors other than black, living in places other than your parents basement etc etc.
We’re joining this tribe! Fuck yeah, calling on the great spirit to get Led Zeppelin back together?!
Apparently bummed that, despite his best efforts, CIA/FBI hasn’t recognized him as an equally large threat to the American way of life as Kim Jong Il, Jared Leto took a page from the dictators playbook and apparently ordered his stylist to make him look “Axis of Evil goes to a gay dance club”.
Looks like we’re packing up this little site and calling it quits! Prince stated this week in an interview that: “The Internet’s completely over, I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can’t get it. At one time, MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.” Hey dinosaur! Correction there, our little purple friend (who doesn’t want anyone looking him in the eyes)… We’re pretty sure it’s actually shitty jazz-funk fusion music that’s over dude. You haven’t made a decent record in over a 1/4 of a century. Sure at one time Prince was relevant and made good records, but times change bitch. Welcome to 2010 fruitcake!
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Hey Rolling Stone, could you find an uglier and more untalented transvestite to feature half-naked on your cover? Larry King has a better body and the dude who played Nosferatu in like 1920 has a cuter face…like currently. Lady Gaga has taken several beatings from the old ugly stick. Chick is brutal looking and her music is even worse yet she has over 10 Million fans on Facebook, you do the math!?! If you’re one of those people you’re gonna feel really stupid one day ala Vanilla Ice. And before you give us that bullshit line about her actually being able to play piano, check out the photo below bitches!
George Michael can’t not go off! Dude is a train wreck. We’re hoping he’s added “driving” to his list of “SHIT I SHOULDNT DO ANYMORE” along with “public toilets” and “inspiring Limp Bizkit” cuz last Sunday morning at around 3:30am he was arrested for crashing his Range Rover into a Snappy Snap store. A police spokeswhore only had this to say: “Officers attended and a man in his 40s was arrested on suspicion of being unfit to drive. He was taken to a north London police station and later bailed to return on August 13 pending inquiries.” Now that’s what we call a party!
At this point, we’d rather be hooked up to a semen I.V., let Stevie Wonder shave our balls with a straight razor, or watch 2 Girls 1 Cup with our parents than hear another goddamn Sleigh Bells song. Someone please knock that chick up so she’ll go on maternity leave, like permanently. Everyone who’s championing these two Funkadelic-Riff stealing dorks needs to get bitch slapped. Yeah we’re looking at you Pitchfork, Stereogum, New York Times, etc. Strut that ass and walk the gutter!
Blonde Redhead announced they’re coming out with a new record. The fact that we kind of got excited by that news made us feel old. Kazu is still fucking mint though, which is good news esp since a horse did the locomotion on her face like 8 years ago. However, we’re pretty sure she also smells like stale jasmine incense and wasabi. Whoa that’s a full rainbow!
Wanna buy Dave Matthews personal tour Bus? It’s a 1999 Van Hool T-945 and is going for a cool $79,000.00 HERE. We heard they’re giving you a complimentary world’s whitest person award if you win the auction. That’ll go great with your khaki shorts and teva’s champ! Double Rainbow, Oh My God!
Is anyone else blown away by how many middle-aged broads are totally aching to commit statch on that Justin Bieber kid? Bieber Fever! Wake up! He’s even too young for your daughters you old sluts! He also looks a lot like your daughters… http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/
Korn just played a show in a crop circle they made in their home trailerparking lot of Bakersfield. “The setting and the mood took us into a totally new direction musically,” frontman Jonathan Davis said. Guitarist James ‘Munky’ Shaffer added: “I felt like we were on some new frontier musically for Korn. This is definitely going to add a new dimension to our live shows.” When asked how playing in a crop circle could possibly lead them in a new direction musically bassist Fieldy apparently looked up from his coloring book, swallowed that booger he’d been workin on and said “we just wanted to see if we sucked as much in a crop circle as we do on a normal stage. We do. We’re really excited to see what kinds of settings other than rectangular stages we can suck in”
A storage unit in Franklin, Tennessee being rented by 17 year old Hayley Williams of Parawhore and that 36 year-old tool from New Found Sum 41 was broken into over the weekend. Among the items taken was a rare Minor Threat “Out of Step” test pressing said to be worth over $5,000. At least now someone might listen to it.
3Oh!3 has a new album out. Was that as infuriating for you to read as it was for us to write? If not, you need start watching Dr. Phil pronto kemosabe, cause we can’t help you. Among their album full of odes to date rape and bros icing bros, they got that trash-gash Ke$ha to look up long enough from whatever cock she was snorting coke off of to guest star on one of their songs. Could someone out there check their Bible and see where this falls in the sequence of events leading to the end of the world? We just want to know how much fucking time we have left here.
Happy Birthday Courtney Love, you don’t look a day over 160 baby!
On a final note - If you’re an indie band sending press materials out for review, here’s a tip: don’t say ANYWHERE that you’re influenced by Pet Sounds/Beach Boys/Brian Wilson. Nothing screams “poser” louder and chances are your shitty record sounds a lot more like a collection of 3rd generation Grizzly Bear rip-offs than anything the laziest musical genius of all time came up with. You were probably listening to New Found Glory 3 years ago until you read some asshole Pitchfork writer name check that record while praising a band for using excessive reverb on the vocal harmonies. Pick a different pretend influence. Thanks, Love, Buddyhead.
