What kind of dickhead doesn’t like a good Choco Taco?
Hi, I’m Meathead. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve spiced up your life with my Pulitzer prize-winning Internet web column, but I’ve been busy these past couple weeks getting all sweaty. I’m sure you’ve been there, you know what it’s like. But it’s okay, just relax, everything’s cool. Seriously, chill the fuck out.
You know what’s one of my favorite frozen, pre-packaged desserts based on a Mexican food staple? Hint: You’re looking right at a picture of it, and it’s also mentioned in the title. Give up? I’m talking about the delicious, savory Choco Taco. I know what you’re thinking. “Buddyhead is a music website! I come here to read about music! Choco Tacos aren’t music! Therefore, my conclusion is that an opinion piece on Choco Tacos has no place on Buddyhead! This is bullshit! I’m calling my state representative right now!” But don’t worry, this actually is music-related. Just be patient and you’ll see. Besides, your state representative is probably too busy banging your mother to pick up the phone. BURN
Choco Tacos have long been the choice of the most discerning frozen pre-packaged dessert connoisseur. No one knows its exact origin, but the first historical record of Choco Taco consumption took place on May 29, 1574. On the day before his untimely death, King Charles IX of France was offered a croissant by his wife. He replied with “Léchez mon cul, salope! Je voudrais un Choco Taco putain! (Lick my ass, bitch! I want a fucking Choco Taco!)” [citation needed] The next day, he was hit by a bus while on his way to see Yes in concert.
Did you know that the accused conspirators in the Lincoln assassination were given Choco Tacos as their last meal before their execution on July 7, 1865? Of course, they shit them right back out when they died. I’m sure ol’ Honest Abe would have appreciated the irony. It’s unknown whether Lincoln himself was a fan of Choco Tacos, but it’s quite hard to fathom that he wasn’t. My heart swells with pride when I picture our sixteenth president sitting at his desk, signing the Emancipation Proclamation with one hand while trying not to get ice cream on it from the Choco Taco in his other hand. At least that’s what I hope my heart is swelling with, and not just cholesterol. America!
John Wayne, a.k.a. “The Thin White Duke,” never attempted to hide his passion for Choco Tacos, as you can plainly see in this unaltered photograph from the 1960’s. Any attempts to confront Mr. Wayne about it were met with a fist to the face (if he was in a good mood that day). Other famous celebs who are also unabashed Choco Taco enthusiasts include Alan Alda, Slim Pickens, the guy who sang the Mr. Belvedere theme song, Walter Mondale, Russia’s Czar Nicholas II, and Snow Dogs star Cuba Gooding, Jr. I don’t know about you, but when I hear that Cuba Gooding, Jr. likes something, I’m all over it like shit on rice. If you’re reading this, Cuba, call me sometime! We should go rollerblading next week! Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody that cool reads this page.
It causes me great mental anguish to consider that there are some folks out there who have never tried a Choco Taco. It’s sad that anyone would choose to waste their life like that. Why would you not want to be eating a Choco Taco right now, as Cuba Gooding, Jr. is undoubtedly doing as I type this sentence? It’s a waffle-cone shell filled with ice cream and fudge, and it’s topped with chocolate and peanuts! I don’t mean to sound harsh, but quite frankly, if that doesn’t make you salivate uncontrollably, you should probably be dragged out into the street and shot. We don’t need people like you polluting our society. Just wait until I’m president and you’ll see how serious I am about this.
I once bought a taco from a nearby taco stand — well, actually, it was just a guy in a van, but that’s beside the point — and then took it home and poured chocolate syrup on it. Then I ate it. I soon determined that that was not the wisest idea I’ve ever had. One should not tempt God by trying to make their own Choco Tacos at home. If man were meant to make their own Choco Tacos, Lloyd Bridges would still be alive right now, and he’d be doing commercials for Gold Bond medicated powder. Man, that would be weird. So just be glad that I took one for the team and ate a spicy chorizo taco coated in Hershey’s syrup. I did it so you wouldn’t have to. I’m like the Jesus of bad food combinations. Please send me a check for 10 percent of your weekly income.
Now, I know I said that this update would tie in to music somehow. Unfortunately, I was just fucking with you. It has nothing to do with music whatsoever. Sorry. I promise that the next thing I write will be an in-depth review of the new Rascal Flatts album! That will make you smile and say “Aah, this is the Buddyhead I know and love.” (see below)
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