Some most wonderful improvements have been made in the translation apparatus’ binary transitance modulators, resulting in report generation with improved readability and accuracy. Thank you to readers who have submitted material to the translation device.

U2: Boy/October/War
It says: Bono’s powerful vocals– he got his nickname from a shorter form of Bono Vox (Good Voice)– bring immediacy and energy to the album. And he was matched by the Edge’s guitar playing, which he approached like a painter does a brush, using it as a tool to coat the canvas of the song with sound rather than resorting to basic riffs or simple strumming.
It means: Sometimes instead of just wiping it off, I draw squiggles with the stuff that spatters on the screen of my laptop.

¡Forward, Russia!: Life Processes
It says: It’s the sort of self-centered angst that engages, and almost wins, a war of attrition on your sense of cultural regurgitation.
It means: If only it was possible to follow track bikes on Twitter…

Nas: Untitled
It says: The main difference is that “Channel Zero” risked alienation by confronting its target head on, whereas when it comes to preaching to the choir and picking easy fights, Nas has no problem being the Morgan Spurlock of this rap shit.
It means: Well, how could I call him “Arthur Ochs Sulzberger of this rap shit” and keep a straight face? And if you want to split hairs, he’s more of like Chinua Achebe of the rap game.

Thurston Moore: Sensitive/Leathal
It says: Indeed, even with big-time moves like a Sonic Youth compilation that’s available only in Starbucks and a book with his name on it available in Border’s, Moore’s outsider foundations remain conscious, pronounced and, ultimately, very respected: During a photo shoot for Sonic Youth’s recent Rather Ripped, Skinny T donned a Merzbow shirt.
It means:“COLLEGE”

We Versus The Shark: Dirty Visions
It says: Yet they’ve hovered close to moments of poignancy and relative quietude on the edges of their perpetual stampede, enough to imply that they might use their all their readily apparent ability towards more discernibly pop ends.
It means: I cry after sex.

Three Six Mafia: Last 2 Walk
It says: Of course, it’s arguable that no member of the group has ever been a good rapper, though I’ll happily rep for Gangsta Boo and Koopsta Knicca.
It means: You heard it hear first, Gangsta Boo and Koopsta Knicca,  dreams can come true!

After several years working around the clock in our clandestine subterranean laboratory, I am most happy to reveal a great breakthrough on a secret project of magnanimous import. Through a most rigorous battery of tests and careful, meticulous examination we have engineering a computerized prototype linguistic translation apparatus which can successfully rework the ultimately inscrutable critical writing — the full meaning of which was once only appreciable to an elite tribe of administrative assistants — to a crude, yet comprehensible text for the common reader. Even with the early-stage bugs in the system, we are thrilled to bring these findings to the community at large.

Albert Hammond Jr.: ¿Cómo te Llama?
It says: At a time when indie audiences are demanding more and more esoteric touches like Afro-pop, lo-fi C86isms, or Balearic revivalism, a songwriter like Hammond feels like a well-needed junk food binge.
It means: Dr. Dog needs to offer XXL tees. ism. ism. ism. Quisiera que él me diera bebés!

Sebadoh: Bubble and Scrape Deluxe Edition
It says: Plucked from the detritus of 90s independent music, B&S may noy [SIC] be the generational touchstone of Slanted and Enchanted or Exile in Guyville (and if Liz was shadow boxing anything, it was exactly this strain of guy culture), but relegating it to the Indie Rock Era nostalgia ghetto, where a band’s “cred” usually dictated the reception of its records isn’t fair, either.
It means: 158 days until I’m 30. 157 days until I’m 30. 156 days until I’m 30. Northern Exposure.

David Karsten Daniels: Fear of Flying
It says: No one expects a modest singer-songwriter to solve humanity’s basic quandaries in 11 songs, but Daniels could learn something from Oldham: In the midst of death we are in life and might as well live, love, lust, even sin, while we wait for the Reaper’s cart to come around and collect us.
It means: At 13, I tried chewing tobacco once, but swallowed and threw up all over dad’s first edition of Absalom Absalom.

The Botticellis: Old Home Movies
It says: The main beef here, if you want to call it that, is the tendency to sometimes lapse into nondescript MOR.
It means: Pfffffffrrrrrrrrrt!

Ratatat: LP3
It says: There’s something fascinating about the mercenary nature of soundtrack library music– pay-per-use stuff that is composed behind the simple idea of a generating an aesthetic mood; music designed to make your brand cooler or your TV show more action-packed without having to rely on the pre-existing memories that come with, say, a Who song.
It means: Uncle Jim’s golfing buddy touched me and told me not to tell.

Various Artists: Nigeria Disco Funk Special / Nigeria Rock
It says: If you’re already a fan of funky West African music, I recommend these sets to you without reservation.
It means: Can’t wait to get back to listening to Iron & Wine. Sometimes its weird to be white.

Nachtmystium: Assassins: Black Meddle, Pt. 1
It says: The genre’s focus is usually on Northern Europe, but years after Profanatica, Demoncy, Von, Absu and Judas Iscariot among others proved you could make black metal in New York, North Carolina, Texas, and Illinois, projects such as Leviathan, Bone Awl, Cult of Daath, Inquisition, Ashdautas, and Wrnlrd are creating a uniquely American voice within the genre.
It means: Mom! I told you not to come in without knocking!

Nine Inch Nails: Ghosts I-IV
It says: Plenty of the individual sounds here are just gorgeous, and Reznor even expands his palette a bit to encompass marimbas, banjos, and percussively Beck-like slide-guitar.
It means: Just gorgeous! The despicable dining room rug has to go! Is it too much to get my toes done twice in a week?