You better appreciate this shitty interview, because it nearly didn’t happen.

When the publicist for the festival we were at heard me say “Buddyhead”, she aged ten years right on the spot. At first, I thought she just wanted a date, but then I saw all of the star tattoos and a ‘Fat Wreck Chords’ logo on her business card and knew she was bummed.

Home girl was angrier than a crust punk in a bathtub:

“Oh. Buddyhead’s back? Ya’ll talked a lot of shit.

Thanks to DJ Travis Keller’s amazing people skills, I was locked the fuck OUT.

[Editor's Note: Buddyhead nuked this bitter publicist for shitty music in Torture Device VS Fat Wreck Chords.]

But given that I refuse to be shut out of free food, I took the most logical recourse and befriended an extremely grizzled ex-Navy Seal named Wes. He lives in a shifty trailer near some shifty woods with a wife half his age and a metric ton of weightlifting equipment.

Since Wes and Buddyhead are both about REAL TALK, he infiltrated the festival production office black ops style and swiped us some artist bands. In return, we fed him beers until he beat the HOLY HELL out of a train-hopping crust punk who pissed in front of his kids.

This beating started a chain reaction of rad that would end with Wes threatening idiot hipsters with an axe (the same axe adjacent to King Khan in this video, in fact. Good thing he didn’t do any of that weird pissing-on-people stuff). By the end of the night, that trailer was covered in pigs, crybabies, and police tape.

It’s cool though. Our boy Wes showed up smiling the next day, saying he played video games all night in jail. WES CAN’T NOT GO OFF!

(Attention hipster and crust punk faggots: I dislike you very much, but would rather not see a goddamn axe stuck in your haircut. So, hipsters, if you look at a trailer and see someone who looks like this:

…please know that there isn’t any irony or Animal Collective box sets waiting for you inside. Just go find something organic and count your blessings.

And crust punks, you’re not gonna “freak out” a stone-cold killer with an award-winning ponytail like he’s another old person at your rich parent’s dinner party. Go cut your wrist with a broken Casualties LP instead. It’ll hurt less.)

Now, as for King Khan, I don’t believe he was aware of any of this. Homeboy was too busy trying to get the hell away from us.

Our ‘Chief Nerd Officer’ Vishal Agarwala kept begging to be called “Prince Khan” and wouldn’t stop quoting Bollywood movies.

Bummer.

King Khan rules. Buy his album.

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