My toilet is leaking again around the bottom seal where it meets the floor. It’s not brown water coming out but still taking a swamp piss in the middle of the night isn’t as invigorating as it sounds. After a couple weeks waiting for the problem to fix itself, I’ve had it. I look up plumbers on google and the first link that comes up is a link to this company Mumford and Sons. It’s December everyone is broke but I have to shell out to get these guys over here. I called and an automated service directed me through the choices pre set. After clicking a few numbers and feeling quite sure of what I ordered I am told that the Sons will be on their way. I guess Mumford just kicks back counting washers, drain snakes and money.
They arrived at my place here in Laurel Canyon on time and dress for success. It was kinda odd because they all looked like chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins. One of them had a mustache so I figure he must be in charge. I told him ” do you want to see it?” and he replied ” I’ll be whatever you want me to be, ya see!” Ok so he talks like he is from boardwalk empire, whatever. By the time we made into the bathroom my situation had worsened, the bowl had backed up and the swamp floor had actual logs strategically placed all over the tile. They looked right at me in the eye like good boys and said it’s not a problem. This is what they have been training to do. I asked what qualifications they had to handle this sort of thing and without hesitation they each flashed actual diplomas from schools so expensive I had never heard of them. “Alight looks like you are the men to be up in my holy toilet…have at it chaps!”
I left them to do their thing and went to make a cuppa. As I sat on the porch I thought about how I had noticed that their hands were dainty and fingernails were perfectly manicured. Kinda odd for such a rag tag bunch? They smelled like pour homme and kinda dressed like poor hommies just of another era. I heard the toilet flush and turned to see them file out of the john one by one. They looked tired but proud. It must have been something pretty bad I thought to myself. Each one of them shook my hand as they left through the gate. Jokingly I said “Jump” as they strolled merrily out the yard and in perfect unison the declared ” how high?”
What a bunch of nice boys. So educated, so down to earth. I think I will recommend them to my lawyer neighbor.
I walked back in to my home and headed to the bathroom knowing my troubles were miles away. As I opened the door I was nearly blinded. What the fuck is so shiny in here? I pulled the shade down and to my surprise the shine was radiating from the turds that escaped from my bowl. It was almost incredible, I never knew pieces of feces could shine like. The room was a bright as the fancy jewelry store Clairs in the mall. I began to find myself in a trance, the stench became almost intoxicating. Should I move my bed in here now? Would my face melt off like Raiders of the lost ark? What did it matter if my pluming was completely kaput and pointless when I could just bask at these glowing turds?
Eventually I got a mop and cleaned all the shit off the floor and bought a gun.