The Los Angeles County Federation of Labor organized a huge union rally last weekend in support of their fellow Unions and allies in the fight against a sudden flurry of laws cropping up all over the country meant to take away portions of their collective bargaining rights, most infamously the work of Governor Scott ‘Imperial” Walker in the state of Wisconsin.
Local news sources estimate that about 10 thousand people attended the march and rally at Pershing Square on Saturday, March 26, 2011. The cops say five – eight thousand, but they are probably just grumpy and need some fresh donuts.
I decided to go because I had never attended a Union Rally. I was interested to know if all those horror stories about rapacious Union Thugs were true. Every time I mention, to your average American on the Internet, that maybe it’s not such a good idea to get rid of collective bargaining rights, these people tell me about the “Union Thugs” who run out and beat anyone who opposes them senseless. They tell me that this happens no matter where you might be in the world on a moment’s notice. This frightens me so I approached the rally with caution.
To better blend in I wore an inconspicuous “I <3 GE” t-shirt and decided to take public transportation because I heard that poor people do that. Poor people, criminals, same thing!
Wow, I didn’t have to go far to get my ass kicked. This thug shanked me with her nail file, just missing my kidneys, and still bleeding I limped off the train where I was confronted by Scientologists. Dammit, I thought they only hung around on Sunset Boulevard. I bled all over them and thanked them for the clotting, for removing some of my Thetans, and moved along to Pershing Square because I clearly have a death wish.
Personally, I thought this was going to be some lame rally with about 50 people there. I keep hearing about these huge Union crowds and think NO WAY THAT COULD HAPPEN. I mean everyone loves cuddly corporate CEOs correct? How many people even know what Unions are these days? I already forgot in the time it took to write that sentence!
I guess I was wrong.
They must be training them young now or maybe they were midgets; I’m not sure. The next beating I took was actually worse and led to me being treated with Bactine by a street vendor. To try and deflect any further ass whompings, I decided to film everything and raise my hand in the clenched fist solidarity salute about every 30 seconds. People looked at me weird, but it seemed to help.
This is my first video, where I walked from the back of the crowd towards the front.
They seemed to not like some really hardworking red, white, and blue (blooded) Americans named the Koch Brothers, pronounced COKE not COCK, thank you! Why? I don’t know. But the Hamburglar in the video said that McDonalds made 5 billion in profits in 2010, but doesn’t give their employees health benefits. Well, why should they? It can only be healthy to inhale grease from a deep fat fryer, right?
This is the next video, where a LiUNA labor leader named Rocco Davis talked a lot about “Corporate Pigs” not “paying their taxes”. Again, I was puzzled, because why should our patriotic businesses pay taxes? Isn’t that what poor people are for?
Next up was the Teacher’s Union. Great, I guess they are going to expect people to learn something now. Life is so much easier when you are stupid.
I always kind of wondered what all the noise about Cesar Chavez was about, but I guess it had something to do with lettuce and a Union. Why is he getting a holiday named after him for making sure people get paid for picking lettuce? It can’t be that hard! Also, this made me suspicious that illegal aliens might be around.
Okay, this next video confirms it. But, wait a second, aren’t all illegals supposed to be Mexicans?
Whew! Finally someone brought God to this rally. I was beginning to think I was in a crowd of Atheists and Wiccans.
Okay, here’s where I tie this in to Buddyhead. This guy Tom Morello, who claims to be a “Nightwatchman”, is some guitar playing dude who used to be in that band Rage Against the Machine. I’ll bet they wore a bunch of Che Guevara t-shirts while smoking pot and watching the Battle of Algiers.
To break exclusive news, Tom Morello’s wife was about to have a baby that day. So now, there’s more union people. I feel like I might faint. THEY ARE MULTIPLYING!
Also, Ozomatli was there. They won Grammy Awards and stuff. I wouldn’t want to make them mad.
So, in conclusion, I warn you to be wary of Union organizers and members (thugs). They are everywhere ready to leap on God fearing, Birth Certificate Carrying, Glenn Beck fans who love Jesus a whole lot. Whatever you do, don’t let them tell you which way to go on the train. I found myself in Brooklyn. Please send help.
Questions? Comments? Deep desire to beat the crap out of me? Send email abuse to tania.cinque@gmail.com. I think I have a tania@buddyhead.com address, but this one goes direct, buddy.
