Hi, I’m Meathead. You know, it seems I haven’t talked much lately about Marilyn Manson (pictured at left). There are a number of possible explanations for this, but I suppose the main reason is that I just sort of forgot he existed for a while. That was pretty cool. I’ll probably go back to doing that after I finish writing this dumb piece of shit article that maybe twenty people will read and then go get some beer. That is to say, I’ll be the one getting the beer, not the twenty people with no lives (at least two of whom are probably in Marilyn Manson’s band) who are reading this. You guys can do whatever you want, it’s a free country. USA #1
But I digress. Let’s stop talking about our awesome country for a minute and get to the point. I’m afraid I have some sad news to bring you, provided you haven’t actually read the title of this page and somehow arrived here by closing your eyes and banging your head on your keyboard repeatedly. No, Marilyn Manson isn’t dead (technically). However, his hotly anticipated Lewis Carroll movie, Phantasmagoria: The Visions Of Lewis Carroll, is. As it turns out, the bourgeois movie studio execs were too afraid of the brief glimpse of auteur Marilyn’s mind-blowing artistic vision as seen in the official trailer for Phantasmagoria: (Warning: the following video isn’t really safe for work, or any place that would frown upon naked women licking other naked women’s buttholes, including but not limited to: school, church, the library, Sizzler, the Anne Frank Museum, and Utah)
For those of you fortunate to be at one of the aforementioned unsafe locations, congratulations! You have an extra minute and a half of your life that wasn’t wasted on watching Marilyn Manson be a horse’s ass! (Too bad you’re just going to waste it reading Buddyhead!)
Don’t worry, you’re not missing out, unless you want to see naked sluts writhing around and showing their ass cracks while Marilyn Manson says a bunch of pointless shit in his “creepy” voice (you know the one) and some incredibly dark and scary noises play in the background. Nothing against naked sluts, of course, but there are plenty of places on the internet where you can find naked sluts who don’t have Marilyn Manson’s pudgy, 41-year-old fingers all over them. For starters, just go to Google Images and search for, well, anything.
In addition to the naked sluts, there’s… well, there’s a rabbit getting molested at one point, and some very frightening doll masks. And remember those weird metal dentist tools from the “Beautiful People” video? Yeah, that shit’s in there too (big surprise). But other than that it’s pretty much just naked sluts. To be honest, I haven’t quite figured out what any of this crap has to do with Lewis Carroll. I even went to his Wikipedia page, searched for “naked sluts” and came up empty. Perhaps if Marilyn had just called this thing Phantasmagoria: The Butt Sluts of San Fernando Valley, he would have had a little more luck getting funding. But what do I know?
Here’s what the official-ish website marilyn-manson.net has to say about this turn of events:
Teaser trailer for the Marilyn Manson-intended, written and directed, feature-length film titled ‘Phantasmagoria: The Visions of Lewis Carroll’. Originally conceived in 2004 with pre-production through-out 2005 via The Wild Bunch (UK) and with an initial budget of $5-7 Million, ‘Phantasmagoria’ was due to begin filming in 2006 and is now on indefinite production hold.
Lily Cole, inspiration of Tim Burton’s recent ‘Alice in Wonderland’, was originally cast as Manson’s Alice for ‘Phantasmagoria’.
This teaser also features real-life twin sisters engaging in questionable acts and burlesque superstar Dita Von Teese in artistic, full-nude. The figure in the medical mask is artist Gottfried Helnwein and the bird-face masked character and white gloved Lewis Carroll impresario, is Marilyn Manson.
Voiceover and audio, copyright Marilyn Manson. We contributed; script-writing, post-production, visual fx, camera work, graphic design, set design, etc.
Produced in 2005, re-worked in 2006.
Yeah, thanks for pointing out which one’s Marilyn Manson, because we never would have figured that one out on our own. Of course, simply saying “the ugly dork” would have saved you eight words or so. Also, according to the IMDb, the cast also includes Academy Award winner Tilda Swinton, which is odd, since I seem to recall her actually having standards at one point. Either way, you’d think they’d be falling over themselves to sell that point. But wait a minute, Gottfried Helnwein’s in it?! Holy shit, it must be good! Oh, sorry, I was thinking of Gilbert Gottfried. Nevermind.
For those of you non-Hollywood folks, “indefinite production hold” is the industry’s way of saying they’d feel safer blowing their money on the next Garfield movie than this idiotic, self-serving, pretentious heap of dung. But don’t worry, Marilyn! There’s always the direct-to-DVD market. Or, failing that, the selling-DVDRs-out-of-your-van market. (But just between you and me, here’s a little insider tip: the going-and-fucking-yourself market is really starting to take off.)
