Hi, I’m Meathead. I’ve been using the internet for quite a while now, and I have to say that while I’m enjoying it for the most part, there’s one little problem that’s been nagging me up until now. That is, why aren’t there more social networks out there? There’s a dire shortage of websites where, in addition to sharing the most idiotically mundane details of my day-to-day life, I can “follow” other people’s idiotically mundane lives, and they can “follow” me and then I can act like King Shit because I have X number of fake internet friends, which is Y more than the number of fake internet friends you have (Z). Okay, sure, there’s MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, Last.fm, Blip.fm, Google Buzz, Tumblr, Flickr, and Foursquare, but that’s about it. How in the hell am I supposed to keep in touch with people with such a limited selection of communication tools? What am I supposed to do, e-mail them? Jesus. This is 2010, not 1998!
Speaking of Jesus, that jerk is ignoring my prayers as usual, but apparently Steve Jobs has been listening (please send me a million dollars)! I can’t even begin to describe the tingly rapture that flooded my kidneys when I learned that Apple was launching their own social network called Ping. Finally, I can tell a bunch of total strangers on the internet what songs I’m listening to! Well, I mean, in addition to doing exactly that on Last.fm and Blip.fm. But now I can do it three times! And being able to do so via the walled garden of the bloated iTunes software instead of simply using my web browser makes me feel really safe and secure, because the World Wide Web is scary and unpredictable. You never know when a picture of an erect penis will suddenly appear on your screen. But with Apple, you can breathe easy knowing your social networking experience will be erection-free.
Once I read all about Ping on Apple’s Ping page, and saw all the kick-ass screen shots which apparently are physically incapable of not having Lady Gaga smeared all over them, you can understand why I could hardly wait a moment longer to join the party. After I finished my bowl of cereal, got another bowl of cereal and finished that one, went to the bathroom, masturbated to C-SPAN for 45 minutes, and trimmed my toenails, I rushed back to the computer and fired up the ol’ iTunes. Then I realized I needed to upgrade to the latest version of iTunes, as it had been almost two days since I last upgraded. Approximately two and a half hours and three reboots later, I was finally ready to rock!
The first order of business was setting up my profile. Unfortunately, I’m not as dashingly handsome as Kevin Angel (God he’s so cute), so there wasn’t any point in putting up a photo of myself, but I was able to find an appropriate substitute. After I filled in my name and location, and an “About Me” section where you’re supposed to say shit like “I’m a music junkie!” and “I have really wild and eclectic taste because I listen to The Killers and Wilco,” I was then presented with a comprehensive list of musical genres, of which I could choose a maximum of three to say that I like. That makes sense, though, since I can’t imagine how anyone could be into more than three genres anyway. It’s also really cool of Apple to censor bad words in my profile, because I really shouldn’t be using profanity anyway. I’m a bad person.
Next, I was promptly presented with a list of cool people I’m supposed to follow. That reminds me, does Apple still use the “Think Different” slogan? If not, they really should bring it back, because if it hadn’t been for Ping, I never would have discovered such exciting underground acts as Katy Perry, Usher, Taylor Swift, Ke$ha, Nelly, and uh, oh yeah, Lady Gaga. I have to say it’s really amazing how Ping was able to analyze my music library and recommend a custom selection of artists that appeals specifically to my musical tastes, rather than just crapping out some stupid generic list of whatever dipshits won at the VMAs last year. I expect more than that from Apple, and they certainly didn’t disappoint. Thanks a lot!
With Ping, now I can find out what all my favorite bands are up to without the annoying hassle of looking at any of the other sites on which I’m already following them, or going to their own websites. Seriously, who has time for that? If it weren’t for Ping, I never would have seen what Taylor Swift’s backstage passes look like, and I wouldn’t have been able to read Aaron’s comment that “taylor swift is very pretty and i like her to.” Even worse, I wouldn’t have discovered that Ke$ha Check back soon for updates, photos, videos, and more. Fascinating! It’s hard to believe they’re not charging for this. (Shhh… better not give Steve Jobs any ideas!)
One minor drawback of Ping is that you can’t directly post updates on your profile. Like, for instance, if you toss Jared Leto’s salad after a 30 Seconds To Mars show, you can’t tell all your cool Ping friends about it afterwards. Well, you could if you were an “artist,” but since you’re just a shitty regular person (like me), you don’t have that luxury. The only things that show up in your personal timeline are comments on “artist” updates, likes/dislikes on iTunes, reviews on iTunes, and purchases on iTunes. I really care about what songs my friends are downloading, and I assume the feeling is mutual. Unfortunately, it doesn’t show when I illegally download music from torrent sites, but I’m sure that’s just a glitch that will be fixed in the next version. In the meantime, I suppose you could just write a review of 30 Seconds To Mars’ latest album in which you casually mention how you inserted your tongue into Jared Leto’s anus and wiggled it around the other night. There are ways around everything.
I know what you’re thinking. What if you’re out on the town and you suddenly need to comment on a Katy Perry song? Are you actually supposed to wait until you get back home to share your really important insight regarding “California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg)” with the rest of the world? It’s okay, calm down. Get this: there’s actually a Ping iPhone app! Thank God! Frankly, I can’t imagine how we survived for this long without it. It must have really sucked to be Thomas Jefferson. He couldn’t tell anybody about the music he was into, except maybe Benjamin Franklin, but he was kind of an asshole.
All things considered, I’m really psyched about Apple Ping. Sure, I never actually buy, review or comment on anything on iTunes, but it’s great to know that just in case I ever decide to, all the zero people who follow me will know about it instantly. Besides that, I really needed another way to hear about Lady Gaga every five motherfucking seconds, and Ping seems like just the ticket for that.
