Hi, I’m Meathead. A few Saturday nights ago, I was at this totally random bar that Travis Keller (of Buddyhead) just happened to be DJing at. Weird coincidence, huh? I mean, because you know… anyway, I had only been there for an hour or three when he rudely shoved a manila envelope in my face as I was trying to enjoy whatever alcoholic beverage happened to be in my hand at that moment. My first assumption was that it was filled with crisp $100 bills. Then I remembered that nobody ever gives me envelopes filled with money, so my next guess was more blackmail photos. As it turns out, the mystery envelope contained nothing as cool as either of those two things, but rather a bunch of disturbingly colored drawings of the reason we should immediately pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq and proceed to bomb the shit out of England: Russell Brand.
Apparently the powers that be decided that it would be my job to judge the contest entries for that Color Russell Brand contest we ran a while back. Well, let me back up for a second: Apparently we ran a Color Russell Brand contest a while back, and I’ve been chosen to judge the entries for some reason, presumably either because I’m so fucking sexy or because I actually drew the pictures in the first place. I am pretty sexy, though. Ask Travis.
Unfortunately, I tend to drink a lot, so I forgot all about the envelope and its horrifying contents as soon as it left my hand and landed on my living room floor with a dull thud that night/morning. It wasn’t until a bunch of days later that I received a series of furious IMs from Travis, berating me and demanding to know why I still hadn’t chosen a winner. Oops.
Well, after another week or so of careful deliberation (and in no way because I forgot again and didn’t remember until today), I have finally come to a decision. And now, without further ado, the winner is:
That’s right. See, kids, in the real world, there are no real winners or losers. That’s not what life is about. It’s about just staying true to yourself and doing what makes you happy.
Nah, I’m just fucking with you. Here’s the winner:
This girl named Kara Burris from Knoxville, TN went way above and beyond the call of duty, actually cutting out the pictures and transforming them into grotesque hand puppet-like things using paint, glitter and pipe cleaners, and most importantly, love. Or whatever that weird smell is. There were actually four of them, but I only included two of them and am keeping the other two top secret and also I am lazy. Kara helpfully included a rather verbose letter that details, at length, her motivations for entering the contest. I’ve only skimmed over it thus far, but I’ll be sure to give it a more thorough reading later while on the toilet. (To answer your question, Kara, living on Travis Drive does in fact give you 250 bonus BuddyPoints™, which have no cash value and cannot be redeemed for fabulous prizes because I made them up just now. Enjoy!)
Kara’s artistic passion and unparalleled creative ambition has earned her the hotly contested Number 1 spot in the competition! Congratulations, Kara! You win the following: a like-new copy of Engelbert Humberdinck’s Live at the Riviera Las Vegas on vinyl, autographed by Slash*; a $30 gift card from Sizzler, also autographed by Slash*; a one-hour makeout session with Twiggy “Jeordie” White*; and a bucket of live crawfish*.
If you’re not Kara Burris, don’t kill yourself just yet! There’s still one more chance your life might amount to something, for as with other contests held by more reputable websites, there is a runner-up prize in the Color Russell Brand contest!
The runner up is… this guy.
Rollie C. Hatch (if that’s his real name) may not have been dedicated enough to use pipe cleaners, but we have to give him credit for “thinking outside the box” in regards to his coloring. And making fun of Jesus is pretty cool. Plus, he mentioned G.G. Allin in his cover letter. We’d have to be dicks to not reward him for his efforts.
In case you’re not using one of those fancy new internet browsers that display images, Rollie C. Hatch colored Russell in the styles of Gene Simmons, our Lord Jesus Christ dying for our sins, that douchebag from Pirates of the Caribbean, and Macho Man Randy Savage (I think). Snap into a Slim Jim, or whatever!
Congratulations, Rollie C. Hatch! You win the following: a Puscifer remix CD that Maynard gave to somebody who then gave it to me and I haven’t gotten around to throwing away yet*; a one-way, non-refundable plane ticket to Provo, UT*; Travis’ laptop*; and a handjob from Jeff Wood of Shat*.
Other honorable mentions: Kelly Freytag, Alex Parma, Stefanie Alder, Trinity Jaynes, Ryan Reiter, and Kevin Pedroza. You guys win some socks*.
As for everyone else who entered, don’t feel bad. We still love you (not in a gay way). There will always be more exciting Buddyhead contests and giveaways upon which to desperately pin your hopes and dreams. Who knows, maybe you’ll even win a new car! (You won’t win a new car)
*DISCLAIMER: Prizes mentioned may differ slightly from actual prizes awarded, or may simply be outright lies. Either way, Travis will most likely find something cool to send to the winners (eventually) if you bug him long enough.
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