Introducing the new and improved W. Axl Rose rating system for record reviews!
This new rating system will be how we “grade” all of the future record reviews on Buddyhead from now on. Study the images and their descriptions below so that you know what the score is when you see an Axl icons on Buddyhead’s record reviews.
Yep, he’s back and this time, he’s mad. After taking a lengthy sabbatical from reviewing shitty records to finally put out and support his own shitty record, “Chinese Democracy”, Axl Rose* has returned to tell all of you band dudes how good your records are or just how lame they are (and you’ll never write anything as good as “One in a Million” so deal with it). Here’s what he had to say about returning to Buddyhead.com’s infamous record review section:
“It feels good to not only wear chaps again (see above photo) but also return to Buddyhead and have a chance to express my disappointment about a few things. Rock criticism has fallen into doldrums unimaginable to me when I left the ‘Head 7-ish years ago. Instead of celebrating the spirits of the risk takers, the rebels, and the outcasts that originally breathed life into Rock and Roll, critics have instead shifted to championing the teacher’s pets, the pseudo-intellectuals, and drama club dorks that suffocate its essence. At no time in its history has the “independent music movement” ever seemed more intent on pleasing the narrow tastes of a handful of music media outlets. It never ceases to amaze me the percentage of new bands I hear that seem to derive their sound from an unwritten list of sensibilities known to be desirable to the most influential indie rock websites. It also disgusts me to witness time and time again how many critics will reward such obvious pandering while simultaneously ignoring and dismissing many of the artists posing the greatest challenges to the current indie rock zeitgeist. I’ve returned to Buddyhead to act as a counterweight to all of this, to call bullshit on bands that seem like they formed with the intent of receiving a fucking gold star from the indie rock press rather than a deep need to communicate ideas and emotions that cannot be express with words alone. I’m also super pissed no one liked Chinese Democracy and I’m totally gonna take it out on all of you. I worked really hard on that fucking thing.”
We couldn’t be happier to have ol’ Billy Bruce Rose back on staff nuking all you posers! So, without further ado, here are the new and improved “Axl Ratings”! Every record review from now on will be “rated” with the appropriate Axl. Here’s how they break down…
(Legendary)
This album is pretty much perfect and it reminds Axl of that “moment” at the zoo when he was “one with the kangaroo” and sporting his very own signature Axl hi-tops! This record is so good it takes him back to that sacred place. In fact Axl likes this album so much he’s actually gonna put this one up there with his own masterpiece, “Appetite For Destruction”. Do you know where the fuck you are?!?!?!? You’re in the fucking zoo baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!
(Killer)
Axl feels as happy listening to this record as he felt back in the glory days between “Appetite” and “Lies”, when all of his hair was actually his and there was a never ending supply of hot young trim bringing him Styrofoam cups of whatever liquid he wanted, whenever he wanted. Back when he didn’t pay for drugs or sex. When Metallica fucking opened up for him and loose mesh shirts with bike shorts were the rage. Better times.
(Pretty Rad)
Axl’s amped enough on this album that he’s dialed 9 of the 10 digits in Slash’s phone number and one more listen just might inspire him to finally push that last button… And if he calls Slash there’s nothing stopping him from calling Izzy, Duff and Popcorn. Yes Popcorn can still play drums. Sure, he twitches a bit but at least he’s not Matt Sorum!
(Good)
Axl thinks this record would go great with a hot day, a cold pool, his bitchinest hat and a Pina Colada served in an honest-to-God coconut. It sure ain’t no Use Your Illusion II (but then again what is?), but he’d consider taking this band on tour and might even let them stay on the whole thing unless these dudes do something stupid… like trying prevent Axl from banging their girlfriends, doing multiple wardrobe changes, running 4 hours late and helicoptering into the show! Axl’s party can not be stopped so don’t even try!
(Decent)
Axl said he was pleasantly surprised with this record and got caught off guard by how much he liked some of the tunes. It’s almost as good as working out on acid or the classic combination of strippers and blow! And that’s saying a lot! There are some flaws on the album, so he’s not sure how many repeat listens he’ll give it, but he’s optimistic that this band will put out good records in the future. Maybe one day they’ll get to open for Guns N’ Roses!
(Mediocre)
While listening to this record, Axl is grew impatient and couldn’t help but wonder why anyone would think he’d like this record. It’s not the worst album he’s ever heard, but he’d rather spend an afternoon braiding his carpet to match his curtains than listen to this again. However, that hint of sadness on his face indicates that deep down he knows this record is still better than “Chinese Democracy” and his cover of The Rolling Stones “Sympathy For The Devil” (the last GNR song Slash ever played on).
(Bad)
Axl called for his fuckin limo and took off, totally bummed that he wasted time on this bullshit. He’s hoping whatever the limo’s bar is stocked with will help him forget what he just heard cuz he ain’t got nothing better to do, and he’s bored. Axl doesn’t ever wants to think about this record again! Kinda like he doesn’t wanna think about how Gilby Clark was in the band for a minute or how while Buckethead was in the band he was allowed a “nunchuck-solo”.
(Complete Shit)
This record is a total piece of shit! It’s so unlistenable and it’s pissed off Axl so bad that he wants to fuck up whoever is responsible for making this. That includes band members, producers, engineers, mixers, label people, etc… he’ll take you all on one by one! The only positive thing Axl can think of regarding this record is that it makes “The Spaghetti Incident?” sound better. Axl doesn’t give a shit how many mulleted Asian dudes are trying to hold him back, he’s got a score to settle. GET IN THE RING MOTHERFUCKERS!
(Skull Fuck)
In the mind of Mr. William Axl Rose he has but one choice and that’s to skullfuck whoever is responsible for this record. This kind of aggression against his ears just will not stand, man. Once finished he plans to bronze the skull, mount it by the dick hole he left in it, and place it on his wall between all of his platinum records and the mural of him and Elton John dueting November Rain that Elton himself gifted him for Christmas 1994. Ahh the glory years!
(Audio Death AKA Audio Aids)
This record is so unimaginably bad, listening to it is like O.D.-ing on a heroin/semen cocktail. Since we couldn’t even dig up an Axl photo that could illustrate what that looks like, here’s a Courtney Love photo, ironically taken on one of her “good days”, that illustrates it perfectly. FUCKED! Don’t do drugs kids!
*This is not the real W. Axl Rose. All text was written by Kevin Hillard and Travis Keller to make people laugh. Axl Rose has no affiliation, past or present, with Buddyhead.com. If you thought Axl Rose was really involved, you’re a moron. If you are Axl Rose don’t sue us. If your Courtney Love, yer fucked.
