You gotta love the British press sometimes. I mean, isn’t it rad when you go check out the new NME and see headlines like “Beach House battle through Glastonbury technical difficulties due to “too much MDMA”?! Fuck yeah! That’s what you’re supposed to do at those fucked up British Festivals cuz one of the only good things in that god-forsaken country are the class A drugs. Travis feels your pain Beach House, he went off on that shit at some full moon techno party in the desert this weekend and is still having technical difficulties on the couch this week.
In what could we could only rationalize as a desperate attempt to scare their bassist fully out of his coma, the Deftones actually let the Bleeder-in-Chief from Paramore on stage to sing Maynard James Keenan’s parts from the song “Passenger” off of White Pony. In other news the NAACP is planning on asking David Duke to recite Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech” at it’s 50th anniversary celebration in 2013 while Ringo & Paul recently lined up Mark David Chapman to sing and play guitar on a new Beetles tribute album. Good work dudes!
Speaking of Mark David Chapman, the dude from 30 Seconds To Uranus who played him in career murdering fashion in that Lyndsey Lohan movie no one saw still hasn’t released that jaw dropping video he’s been threatening us with. We are pretty sure it’s going to escalate the war in Afghanistan when it does come out, so we’re hoping he’s listened to us, hung up the guitar and the blond streaked hair extensions and filled out that Urban Outfitters application. That would be nice, but it’s more likely he just got lost in his own eyes when he went to check the mousse job his stylist did in the mirror.
Last week both The National’s Matt Berninger and Eels’ Mark Oliver Everett (pictured above on the right) have both been been mistaken for terrorists at airports! Surprise! That’s what you nerds get for having shitty beards man and being in boring sappy white guy bands! The best part is Berninger caused the evacuation of the Honolulu airport when he was taken into federal custody for carrying an alarm clock that looks like a bomb. Great move haole, you didn’t think the fake bomb in your bag might raise some eyebrows? Dude had this to say for his dumbass: “I had bought a novelty clock in Tokyo, some sort of MacGyver, goofball alarm clock that happened to look exactly like a bomb. And it was in my suitcase….I had the Honolulu airport evacuated for about 45 minutes. I ultimately had to surrender the alarm clock to the TSA but they were very pleasant and professional. They had done a great job and I thanked them and they let me go.” Sounds like he enjoyed the cavity search.
If you buy your music at Walmart, you better get ready dip into your Pork-Rind budget cause Disturbed are about to release the same album for the 5th time. At least when Slayer does it, they’re regurgitating the same legendary album every time. We’re pretty sure the singer, aka Mr. Clean’s stunt double, was in the cast of Cats in the 90′s. Watch his stage moves, you’ll see what we mean.
Slash is tripping again and taking his shitty solo record songs on tour in the US! Dude that’s like bragging to everyone you shit your pants. Call Izzy. Shit get the “Snake Pit” back together, dude.
Alternative Press, the alternative for people exhausted with the press covering bands that don’t make you want to kill yourself, caught up with the dude sporting the feathered hair and autotuned voicals in that infamous Attack Attack! video and asked him to give a track by track breakdown of their new record. Surprisingly, the dude didn’t take Polaroids of 10 different hunks of shit but actually described with words what are sure to be the 10 worst songs released in 2010. You can see what the opposite of Shakespeare looks like by clicking here. Our favorite part about this is the blatant references to God and his greatness paralleled with song titles like “Sexual Man Chocolate” and references to pot. That’s an “A” for irony there dude… but it’s still an “F” for every other conceivable thing you do!
The ugliest frontman in Rock is back with his early 2000′s nostalgia band Hot Hot Heat. That’s right, Carrot Top look-a-like Steve Bays is back singing songs and turning people who look directly at him into stone. Unsurprisingly, their new record shies away from the weenie pop that lost them the major label deal riding on the Strokes bandwagon got them. Also unsurprisingly, it’s not any better. Remember when “Rock Was Back” in like 2002 and bands like this, Interpol and the Strokes were getting their crotches motorboated by about every rock critic in the industry? We told you they all sucked back then. Now a little thing called History has our back. It’s gonna have our back on that Sleigh Bells band too. You’ll see.
Blink 182 hit the studio this week to begin work on a new album. We used the word “hit” in that last sentence because a Blink recording is to a studio what a drunken redneck’s fist is to his wife.
Despite what Mark Sultan claims in the comments of Buddyhead (read em here), we were right, King Khan & BBQ seem like they’re breaking/broken up. At a show earlier this month at Australia’s VIVID Live festival ended in ruin with a “huge screaming match” between the duo. BBQ played shows in South Korea last week solo and promoters are claiming that the band is done. Obscure Sound’s Jay Mattson, who attended the last gig, had the following to say:
“Soon after, everyone in the audience could hear the screaming. A projection screen was pulled down in front of the instruments and performing space, and Sultan was seated to the direct right of the screen. From behind the screen, the high-pitched screams of Khan resonated throughout the entire bar, partly because they were so loud, and mostly because no one else was talking, just listening. A visible Sultan was shrugging, calmly trying to converse with Khan about the state of their musical act. Khan’s drunken jeering and explosive insults toward Sultan kept coming, though. After conversing with my friends for a few moments, we came to the conclusion that one of two things was happening: 1.) The band was actually breaking up, or 2.) This was one of the most intricate and theatrical shows we’d ever seen.” Cocaine is one hell of a drug!
Chances are you had no idea that The BET Awards happened this past weekend but could prolly guess that they pulled a Michael Jackson tribute outta their racist award show asses. The fucked up thing is Chris Brown was part of the tribute. How the fuck does this guy have a career after doing THIS. Homeboy started crying like a little girl while covering “Man In The Mirror”, which is understandable cuz if we ever gotta hear late era Michael Jackson again we’re gonna ball our eyes out too. Let’s get one thing straight here, Michael Jackson was on more drugs than the entire North American continent and don’t forget that he touched kids. So for those keeping score, this week a violent woman beater paid tribute to a drug addicted freak show child molester. Way to go BET Awards!
So apparently Lady Gaga admitted to listening to Taylor Swift and called it her “guilty pleasure”. That’s roughly on par with a kiddie porn producer saying that watching bestiality videos is his “guilty pleasure”. Excellent self-awareness there Rag stain.
“Helmet” is making another record without 3/4 of the band. Yep, Page Hamilton and three other dorks are squatting in a studio trying to push out a new album. Yeah dude we need a new Helmet record that sounds like an old Korn record in 2010 about as bad as we need to catch aids. Get a job bro.
Last Sunday master of knowledge, Andrew WK, took a break from “partying-hard” to post the following via Twitter: “SUNDAY TIP: Don’t do drugs if you don’t want to.” Thanks for the killer advice there hoss!
Speaking of partying-hard, we couldn’t even make up shit this sad… Motley Crue singer Vince Neil, who last week had declared his sobriety, was surpringly arrested on drunken driving charges after getting pulled over by police in his Lamborghini near the Las Vegas Strip. In an interview just last week about a tell-all book due out in September, Neil said he hadn’t used drugs in 20 years and had stopped abusing alcohol. Yeah bro, and pigs EVERYWHERE are starting to fly! Vince lied: “There’s just a point in your life where you kind of stop, that’s what happened with me,” Neil had said. “There’s other things in life than just drugs and alcohol.” The funniest part is he recently released a solo album actually called “Tattoos and Tequila” on which he covers 1970s rock songs and does a rendition of Elvis Presley’s “Viva Las Vegas.” You know that’s a good listen. This arrest isn’t Neil’s first drunken driving case. In 1984, he crashed a sports car head-on into another car in Redondo Beach, killing his passenger, Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, 24-year-old drummer for Hanoi Rocks. Neil, then 25, wasn’t injured. He later pleaded guilty to manslaughter and drunken driving, served 20 days in jail, and agreed to pay $2.5 million in restitution to victims. The crash coined the phrase “Don’t “Razzle” me dude!”, which you can use if you find yourself in the car being driven by a person under the influence of alcohol.
Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd is set to release his first solo record (and we’re guessing first record with out a DJ?) called “The Wild Trapeze”, next month. The album’s lead single is called “Runaway Train,” so we’re gonna go out on a limb and bet that no one close to him has the heart to tell him about Soul Asylum being him to the punch by about 17 years.
We’ll leave you this kids: somewhere out there, as we write this, Omar Rodriguez-Lopez is playing guitar, thinking what he just wrote is genius and recording every second of it. Haunting, isn’t it?
