Buddyhead Gossip #134: Liam named his new band, Vampire Weekend = Target and some phone numbers!
Yeah so much for the “we will be posting a new Gossip every week” bullshit we were feeding you guys for a while. What did you expect? We’re Buddyhead and last time we checked “on time” and “dependable” don’t pop into people minds when they think of us. The scary part is it actually took Liam Gallagher naming his new post-Oasis band to bring us out of our gossip slumber. So here’s some current shit mixed in with some stuff we should have posted months ago. Enjoy!
Oasis – Talent = Beady Eye. Yep, Liam and co. decided not to go full retard and changed the name from Oasis to “Beady Eye”. At least they’re not gonna rape the corpse of a good band by pretending that losing the dude who wrote all the good shit doesn’t matter. Plus Andy Bell (from Ride) will be on guitar… so maaaaybe this isn’t gonna suck? Either way, you guys should just call your new band “Hiroshima” cuz Noel’s record is gonna nuke you turds!
Either way we’ll be listening to this shit and getting it wet EVERY NIGHT. Crowfeather is to panties what the singer of Fall Out Boy is to Cheetos. Now you see’em, now you don’t! Get some black magic, chump.
What’s the difference between Reel Big Fish and a Rhino? Reel Big Fish has the asshole up front and the horns in back. Badda-Bing!
Yeah yeah, no one cares, but as long as these dudes keep playing, we’ll keep reminding you they suck!
Looks like there is some correlation between having brain damage and becoming an American Idol judge, cuz Bret Michaels will be replacing Simon Cowell. We have no idea how being an expert in bedazzling cowboy hats, having the world’s largest collection of bandannas and knowing the proper way to sanitize stripper poles has to do with karaoke, but hey, us here at “The Head” wish him luck.
Speaking of brain damage, a roadie of Led Zeppelin speaks!
One of the dudes in Slipknot died. At least he’s not in Slipknot anymore.
Tool are practicing in LA and getting ready to tour. Fuck yes!
Carlos D quit Interpol. Not only are they out a bass player but there goes a really good cocaine hook up, one hell of a mustache, a few capes and the guy who was always down to take out the fat chick, “even the odds for everyone else” and “go hoggin'”. Those are some big shoes to fill new bass player guy.
So Target has a commercial that looks and sounds like a Vampire Weekend video… or maybe it’s that Vampire Weekend has a video that looks and sounds EXACTLY like a Target commercial?!?
We’re not really sure what’s happening here, but either way, we’re taking our business to fuckin’ Kmart. Our question: which perma-virgin in Vampire Weekend has a mom or dad that’s a judge? There must be one, cause the only way we could ever imagine the RZA allowing his image to be captured by the same camera as this glorified frat party band is to get out of doing some time. We would only be more surprised if ODB’s corpse was in the video wearing a Lacoste tracksuit and Ray Bans with croakies. Whoever was picked for the near impossible task of identifying the second single (i.e. finding the second least terrible song) from VW’s latest album had the foresight to realize the video would need lots of cameos plus that power bottom from Brokeback Mountain needed something to do between body oilings for his lead role in Prince of Persia. We’ve got a feeling that flask isn’t a prop. Seriously kids, do like we said back on our Best & Worst of 2009 list, just listen to Extra-Golden instead.
So the singer of/only black friend of dudes in the band Killswitch Engage, Howard Jones, supposedly knocked up a porn star named Allie Foster. We can’t verify the truth of this rumor but said porn star’s twitter has been full of statements publicly accusing poor Howard of being a dead beat dad (and now we’ve heard her account got hacked. We generally don’t care about shitty metal-core bands, so we’re way late to the dance on this one, but we smell a Maury Povich episode coming on. You can bet in a few months that if that bun comes out of the oven as Wonder Bread and not Pumpernickel Howard is gonna be the happiest dude in a shitty band in the world!
Trent Reznor and his wife have a new project/PDA fest called “How to Destroy Angels”. Fun Fact: an anagram for “How to Destroy Angels” is “Trent’s old age shows, yo”. Coincidence? We’re gonna do a documentary about dudes who decide to be in bands with their wives. Working titles are: “How to Destroy a Good Time” or “Guide to Bringing Sand to the Beach”.
Marilyn Manson still hasn’t killed us, which would make him full of shit and a giant pussy.
MIA is trying to be Buddyhead. Homegirl didn’t like what Lynn Hirschberg wrote about her in the New York Times so she posted the journalist’s phone number on her Twitter account. Hey there sista, we’ve kinda got the posting phone numbers on the internet market cornered so get your own shtick bitch!
Speaking of posting phone numbers… Call up pornstar Ron Jeremy @ 323.876.4080 and ask the hedgehog if he’s aware that one of his illegitimate sons has a music career under the moniker of Har Mar Superstar.
While you’re pranking calling douchebags, why don’t you give DJ Ashba a jingle on his cell phone @ 310.494.1428 and ask him how embarrassing it is to try and fill Slash’s shoes and fail miserably.
Speaking of cock holsters… the one from My So Called Life has officially poll vaulted over the line with 30 Second to Mars latest self-fellating video. Really dude, you’re making a war movie for yourself? We just hope our enemies don’t see this shit, cause they’re gonna try to use as propaganda that American soldiers are pretty boy pussies. We seriously wanna go off on this dude like Edward Norton did in Fight Club. There is no human being, except maybe Liam Gallagher, more in love with himself. Fuck you.
And fuck you again for this one, dork.
This dude is back and we’re stoked:
The Offspring have a new video and it’s great. We never thought we’d say that but we love what happens in this Offspring video, they should all end like this one.
Speaking of old people… The other night while at a friend’s house us old fogies here at Buddyhead were exposed to what we’ve come to find out is the hottest new little dark corner on the internet. Yep, we’re talking about Chat Roulette, the totally revolutionary and futuristic website that let’s you webcam (as well as text chat) with randomly selected people from all over the world! Fuck I guess we do live in the future that is 2010! Yeah sure we still don’t have any fucking hoverboards, but for now this will do for the next half hour. It’s a great way to see men of all walks of life jerking off in dark rooms in parents basements all over the world. Dick Roulette is like Christmas everyday if your name is Jared Leto!
A lot like playing a real game of roulette, every few weeks or so we drive into Hollywood and crack open the Buddyhead Po Box to see what records to review, death threats and love letters we’ve been sent. At first glance we were pretty sure what we saw the new Issue of Mojo in the pile of this week’s post office bounty! But upon further inspection we realized we’d actually been cursed with “100 Bands You Need To Know in 2010″ issue of Alternative Press. Opening that magazine after thinking it was the new Mojo is similar to dreaming you’re getting a blowjob and waking up only to find your dick jammed into a paper shredder. Question: Who is giving all these bands the same swooshed over haircut?
As if we didn’t already have a reason to hate that dork from Twilight, now “actor” Robert Pattinson has revealed his plans to make an album later this year because he is “annoyed” that his friends are all breaking into the music world. Yep, this little diva is “annoyed”! Check out this quote: “I want to do an album at the end of the year. All my friends are recording albums and I’m very annoyed about it. I don’t know how people can act and also sing. I’ll find some time to do it.” Look here fruitcake, NO ONE wants to hear music made by you, aside from a handful of zit-faced tweens and middle-aged riverpigs. How about you stick to melting the hearts of 12 year old boys and every portly middle aged woman stuck in a cubicle and leave the music making to MUSICIANS?!?
Speaking of Twilight, more kids are drinking that Kool-Aid than we even though possible. Get a load of this:
If you’re one of the members of the “Wolfpack”, you might have wondered when someone is gonna make an eHarmony.com for someone with an animal spirit like yourself? Bam http://www.punkmatch.com/ and Bam http://www.gothicmatch.com/. Looks like we just got you laid chump. However, as a return favor to us, before you join either of those sites, could you go ahead to this page http://www.vasectomy-information.com/ and read up! Thanks!
Phil Spector’s lawyers are tripping harder than a Dead-head in 2010, they’ve appealed his 2009 murder conviction, claiming he didn’t receive a fair trial. Good luck dudes, cuz here’s how it’s gonna go down… The judge is gonna take one look at Mr. Wall Of Sound who now looks like Mr. Silence of the Lambs and know the dickhead killed that girl.
Welp, the band Train is back ruining the good name of railroads everywhere with a new, inescapable single after giving our ears a ten year rest. Unfortunately, it seems they’ve spent that whole decade getting PhD’s in adult contemporary lameness cause their new hit and accompanying video pretty much are to radness what braces are to blowjobs. If someone invented a technology that would allow only people over 45 to hear certain music, we would definitely recommend Train for the prototype for that device. These dudes need about 2 hours of alone time with a prison chain gang, cause that’s the kind of Train they should be associated with.
Do you believe in Miracles? You do?! Well you’re bummed Jesus freak cause, ironically, the Universe’s best example of whatever the opposite of a miracle, aka the Insane Clown Posse, believe in miracles too. So many of them! They even wrote a song about it. Doesn’t it just infuriate you that these dudes are breathing the same air as the rest of us? These dorks are 40 now and they’re still doing the retarded circus clown thing? We want to know how all the juggalos out there are responding to this religious turn from ICP. We’re hoping they turn full on Christian and change their name to Immaculate Conception Posse.
Hell Yeah have a new album coming out and Vinnie Paul is selling his oven on Ebay.
And seeing as how we mentioned Hell Yeah, we now have an excuse to post the best video ever posted on Youtube. The Jager video by Hell Yeah. Enjoy, again.
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