Hi, I’m Meathead. A number of you who read Buddyhead – in particular, those of you who still haven’t figured out that Aaron North isn’t here anymore – probably know me from the allegedly humorous Nine Inch Nails fan site “The Meathead Perspective,” which I somehow kept updated (albeit with fluctuating levels of frequency) for nearly ten years. I’ve since moved on from that to… well, other stuff, I guess. I suppose one could say that since the jokes pretty much write themselves these days, why should I bother? Mind you, I’m not saying that. But, you know, one could say that, if one were so inclined. It’s a free country. The simplest explanation might simply be that, for me at least, a decade of writing exclusively on one narrow topic is enough. Time to expand my horizons (and write about Marilyn Manson instead)!
However, despite my best efforts to tell them to fuck off, I still occasionally get solicited by NIN fans for my thoughts on whatever grotesquely exciting thing Trent Reznor is doing at the moment. I’ve been ignoring them, of course, since I’m writing about much more important things these days, like Choco Tacos, Peter Cetera and the late Billy Mays (R.I.P.). Obviously Trent got all butthurt that I wasn’t writing hilarious jokes about him anymore, so he got married to Mariqueen Golddig- er, Maandig and started a new “band” with his “wife” and “Atticus Ross” just so I’d be compelled to make some shitty comments on it and all would once again be right in the world. I mean, that is why, right? This isn’t, like, a real thing, is it?
Okay, calm down. I’m just kidding, of course. I know it’s a real project. Remember this Tweet™ from Trent’s iPhone™ from a year ago?
They are an UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF GREATNESS! They will probably TAKE OVER THE WORLD with their sheer ASSKICKINGNESS! I mean, with a name as overflowing with badassery as How To Destroy Angels, how could they possibly do anything less? God, I’ve been waiting forever to hear this earth-shaking new music that will certainly rocket straight to the top of the charts and take no prisoners along the way. SHOCK AND AWE! And now that the project is finally being unveiled to us undeserving mortals, Trent must be pretty proud, right? SUCK IT.
Uh. Wait, is Trent even in this goddamned picture? Hmm, let’s see, there’s Mariqueen and her sideboob (oops! hee hee!) on the right, I guess that’s the ol’ third wheel, Atticus, there in the middle… so, utilizing the process of elimination all Sherlock Holmes style, that would leave… um, Lou Reed on the left? Huey Lewis? Is that guy even in the band or did he just wander into the shot? Seriously, what the fuck is this horse shit? It’s almost as if by putting the hot chick and her sideboob (oops! hee hee!) up front and the old dudes waaaay in the back, they’re implying that eye candy is somehow more important than– no, that can’t be right. Mustn’t think that. It’s all about the art. Remember, this is an unstoppable force of greatness (and Atticus)! They’re all in this together (lol)! Maybe this was just an outtake, anyway. I’m sure the next photo will be a better representation of how equally invested each member really is in this project.
There we go, that’s… oh come on! Really? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but is anyone else getting the impression that someone doesn’t want to be in these pictures? Maybe someone has better things to do, like staring at the sea (hehehe)? Look, maybe I’m just an old-fashioned kind of guy, but I personally feel like if you’re going to start a band with your totally awesome new wife with whom you are madly in love forever and ever (and Atticus), maybe it would work to your advantage to not act like you’re completely embarrassed to be in the band in the publicity photos. I mean, that’s just me. I’m not currently blowing Trent Reznor and therefore am not in How To Destroy Angels, so I don’t really have any say in how they do their business. Anyway, let’s take one more stab at this group photo idea, just for the proverbial shits and giggles:
Well, that’s better! Mr. Sunglasses Cool finally decided to lose the shades and stand within five feet of his woman (Jesus, Trent, don’t make us twist your arm or anything). And it’s even in color, no less! Wow! What did we do to deserve a color photo? Okay, sure, no one in the picture is showing anything even closely resembling interest – Mariqueen is still getting whatever mileage she can out of her one facial expression, Atticus is expressing what can only be described as naked contempt, and Trent is about three seconds away from jumping in his Bimmer and speeding off to the Arclight see whatever new J.J. Abrams movie is playing, because fuck this shit, that’s why. But hey, this is probably as good as it’s going to get, so learn to like it.
I would imagine that the reason Trent would probably give, if you asked him, for preferring to hang out by himself all the way in the back is that he doesn’t want to be the “star” of How To Destroy Angels. Well, you know, tough shit. Mariqueen, while admittedly easy on the eyes, is not exactly what you would call “charismatic” (to put it politely). In order to have charisma, if you’re going to front a band, you have to actually do more than stand there and look cool. Let’s be honest, Mariqueen is as much the star of How To Destroy Angels as Bob Uecker was the star of Mr. Belvedere.
You’re probably thinking I’m being a bit harsh. After all, so far I’ve only talked about the band’s image, and we all know they’re so much more than just image. From all I’ve mentioned thus far, one might be led to believe that How To Destroy Angels is about as deep as a saucer of tapioca pudding. But there are other dishes that are much deeper than saucers and can hold a lot more tapioca pudding than a saucer can. Like bowls, they’re usually pretty deep. Well, except for those weird soup bowls they sometimes serve at those fancy restaurants I can’t afford to eat at. Let’s say How To Destroy Angels is as deep as a large mixing bowl filled with tapioca pudding. How about that? That’s good, right? Relatively speaking, I mean. Saucers aren’t even made for pudding, really. You’d have to be a pretty big fucking idiot to put tapioca pudding on a saucer. But I digress.
If you’ve been to the band’s official website, you may have noticed that the short video clips featured on the page only seem to show Mrs. Reznor playing the pathetically easy parts of the songs. I can only assume that they’re just ramping up to future videos that will more fully demonstrate her astounding musical talents, like perhaps a five-minute banjo solo, or a breathtaking aria, or maybe some bitchin’ Jew’s harp arpeggios. I definitely wouldn’t want to judge her abilities prematurely by going off the four videos that are currently displayed prominently on their website.
Let’s cut to the chase and talk about the finished songs. Sure, the publicity photos leave something to be desired, and the cover for the lead single “A Drowning” sucks, but what about the music? What does the Unstoppable Force of Greatness sound like when it’s all put together? Let me pause for a moment and be frank with you. I must confess I was hesitant to listen to the two How To Destroy Angels songs that are currently available online. After being subjected to the cruel horrors of Paul McCartney’s Wings as a small child, I rank “listening to husband-and-wife bands” just underneath “trimming Della Reese’s toenails with my teeth” on my list of things to get excited about. But, despite the fact that husband-and-wife bands have never, ever been a good idea, ever, this is Trent Reznor we’re talking about. You know, the guy who made The Downward Spiral! And Mariqueen, who… well, anyway, this has to be good! Without further ado, here’s the hot (literally) new video for the latest song, “The Space In Between”:
Wait. Sorry, that was “The Space Between” by Dave Matthews. My bad. Here’s the real video, which sucks less (I guess):
Take note, T-Pain: This is how AutoTune is supposed to be used, just so that you can only slightly notice it. Its purpose is to cover up the fact that you’re not a very good singer, even when you’re singing Nine Inch Nailsy lyrics to Nine Inch Nailsy music within a completely unchallenging one-octave range. This is how it’s done, folks.
See, the video looks really cool! It clearly cost a lot of money, and that’s what counts. Okay, the music may be about as inspired as a Sunday afternoon trip to the laundromat with a hangover, but if you turn down the volume and put on something from Broken instead, it’s actually quite a bit better. Again, it’s nice to see Trent totally psyched about being there, by doing absolutely nothing other than lying there on the floor. At least Atticus blinked once or twice, I think. I honestly don’t remember, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit through that again. How do you take such a high-concept video, which in theory should make Beavis and Butt-head cream their shorts, so fucking boring? I’ve seen quadriplegics in wheelchairs who were more unstoppable than this.
About that other song, “The Drowning” – you know, the lead single they didn’t make a video for – well, I finally got around to checking that one out as well. It clocks in at just over seven minutes, but I made it to around the five minute mark before the boredom overtook me and forced me to switch over to some much-needed Butthole Surfers.
Seriously, forget all that dippy shit. “Sweat Loaf” is where it’s at.
