Buddyhead Gossip #133: Keith is off booze, Axl Rose looks like Rip Taylor, Flamers and someone needs to stop Ke$ha!
So this is the future? This is seriously two-thousand and fuckin’ ten? Phhhhfffffttt! This is NOT what we were promised the future would be like when we were kids! I mean, where the fuck are the hover-boards? Those god-damn shoes that lace themselves? The Jetsons didn’t have to dress themselves and you know that robot maid totally gave George a tug job when Jane wasn’t in the mood! So just like the movie it’s 2010, so how come food doesn’t come in a pill yet? Why won’t more people just give us free pills? And why don’t our cars fly yet? What a sham. Well even though this year feels like the best one in a long time to us, 2010 had a little bit of a bumpy start for Buddyhead. We’d like to apologize for the lack of Gossip updates, when we were doing so good in 2009 with out weekly updates. But sometimes the shit hits the fan and you almost lose a finger. You know how that goes, right kids? If you aren’t familiar with that bum- out scenario take a look at the photos below of Travis’s mangled finger after he put it through a glass table.
Aside from almost losing an appendage, Buddyhead had to move twice- a very long crazy story filled with communication breakdowns, knife fights, deception, robbery, guns, drama and a lot of prescription drugs on top of delusion could be told here. While we were moving there was a torrential downpour in LA with tornado warnings (I shit you not), Travis had a two- part root canal, put his hand through a glass table, received the reward of 19 stitches in his left pinky finger (thanks to Dr. Frank for yanking em out at no charge – you rule) and some pussy- ass painkillers. Plus at least two of us lost our phones. We’re not trying to make you feel sorry for us. Some GREAT things happened too. On February 16th, 2010 – Dios, The Henry Clay People, Signals & Brandon Intelligator filled up The Troubadour for Dios’ free record release show (success – thanks to everyone involved) and on the same day we released Dios – “We Are Dios” Buddyhead #31. Either way, this unfunny and seemingly unnecessary update on our personal lives is basically us giving you a really fucking good batch of excuses as to why this page hasn’t been updated like we promised it would be. Trust us, we’d rather be writing than getting teeth ripped out of our mouths or stitches weaved into our skin, but hey sometimes life steps in, kicks your ass and forces you to take a break. And momma always told us…. what doesn’t kill us makes us funnier.
While we’re on the subject of what happened since the last Gossip update: The LA Weekly decided to “honor” us with a Los Angeles Web Award. Pretty cool right? First we’re on the cover of their magazine with a great feature story written up inside by a real writer about our music website/record label and now a trophy for doing what we do? Let alone the same trophy Slash won (click here to see photos of the other nerds who won)! Hot damn! Check out the list of weiners here.
You’d think seeing as how we graced their cover for our music website that we’d win “Best Music Website” right? Wrong! Not that we can argue that Aquarium Drunkard shouldn’t of won. Justin runs one of the best sites on the net. Buut… we got a trophy that says “Best Flamer”. We don’t like to be negative when someone rewards us with something and apparently where they come from “Flamer” means person who talks shit. But where we come from, which is the English speaking world, Flamer means something slightly different. Nothing wrong with it, but unless our writer Ted Jahng has been making friends on Santa Monica and Highland late at night, we don’t necessarily think Buddyhead has really done much to be the best Flamer on the internet. We decided to look into LA Weekly’s definition of Flamer and found that they’re right for the most part, but the real Flamers are dorks who go onto forums and leave anonymous comments on websites talking shit. Guess all the dudes and dudettes who come here and say amazingly witty things like “You guys suck” are the people who really deserve this award. Way to go Flamers! In fact the best comment on this article will win a surprise, winner will be announced on the next gossip update. Oh and LA Weekly… don’t take offense. We’re Buddyhead, what did you expect? We love you and we’re proud to be Flamers!
In case you weren’t sure how ahead of the curve we are here are Buddyhead, we’d like to point out that even though it came out in 2010 we placed Vampire Weekend’s “Contra” on the Worst Records Of 2009 list and now the album hit #1 on the Billboard chart. Finger on the pulse over here, bitches! These ivy-league dorks with bongos are making it the first time that an independent band has sucked this hard and had no past history on a major label and debuted at #1. For the record, white people aren’t allowed to say “horchata”, EVER!
U2 have started writing a new album. If the year was 1991, Bono wasn’t into rockin’ Oakley shades yet, the Edge hadn’t started singing songs occassionally and the record they were making was called “Achtung Baby” we would totally care about this news.
Primal Scream are also writing a new album. Hey dudes, we’re gonna need you geezers to skip making another sober country album or whatever the fuck you were going for with the one before that. This time around you guys need to get in your creative space, which according your discography means you’re gonna have to drop some E, shoot some speed and kill some light. Bring us some of the heavy guitar rock n’ roll rave shit you guys are good at like you did with “Evil Heat”, “XTRMNTR” and “Vanishing Point”. Are we clear on this Bobby?
Richard Ashcroft has brought to life one of our darkest fears and is releasing a new solo album now that The Verve are back to being broken up. “Are You Ready?” is the title and we’re gonna have to go with, “Not really dude, the first three solo turds you released into this world were in league with getting a root-canal and only getting a handful of Tylenol 3’s! Where’s the heavy shit bitches?!?”
Can you imagine running into this dude above in a dark alley? Handle-bar-stache’? As always with this dude, we’ve got good Axl news and bad Axl news. Good news: Axl Rose finally took our advice (or maybe he just realized what decade it was and what color his skin was) and got rid of those Predator cornrows that homeboy has been rocking pretty much since Slash jumped ship after they butchered the fuck outta The Stones’ “Sympathy For The Devil” back in the mid 90s. While we’re stoked Axl isn’t rocking those ridiculous wigger braids anymore it doesn’t really make up for the fact that this dickhead who looks like he was hit by an Ed Hardy Scud Missle is able to tell people he’s the “new Slash”.
Is it just us or is Axl starting to look a lot like Rip Taylor?
In other Uncle Axl news, William proved he has his finger on the pulse and just signed up for his own Twitter account @ http://twitter.com/axlrose. Nothing is cuter than when old people learn new things! Now you can get your Axl rants slimmed down to 140 characters and even sent directly to your phone. And you can enjoy personal photos like the one below that Bill posts occasionally. I take it back, this does feel like the future with Axl rants being beamed through the air to my phone! You gotta love technology!
Also hanging ten and riding the technicalogic wave of the internet is Jeff Wood of SHAT! That’s right, just like W. Axl Roe, you can now get Jeff Wood wisdom anytime you need it by pointing your browser to twitter.com/shatband.One of our favorite Jeff Wood tweets so far is for sure: “JUST GOT DONE WRITTIN THE NEW HIT SHAT SONG ‘LINDSEY LOHAN LOOKS LIKE A MAN’ 4 DA NEW CD CUNT-A-DOODLE DOO”" Shat will be touring the United States next month. Lock up your daughters, mothers, children, blow-up dolls and small animals. www.myspace.com/shatpunkrock
Insane Clown Posse made a movie! We can’t figure out if “ICP Movie Big Money Rustlas” is gonna be more like the new “Trapped In The Closet” or Guantanamo Bay’s newest edition to their playlist. Either way, we can’t wait to see what these mongoloids with clown make-up created.
Keith Richards has given up booze. Whoa, that’s something like ZZ Top giving up beards! Or maybe it’s more like those dudes in The Mars Volta refraining from growing bigger afros, getting into shortening their names and abstaining from putting out an album every other week…. BUT apparently hell is way chilly these days. The legendary drinker – who once claimed he’d outlived several doctors who told him to stop – hasn’t had a drink in four months. But then again this Gossip is so old that myth could have been busted by now, we’re kinda out of it over here. The move reportedly stems from Richards witnessing his Rolling Stones bandmate Ronnie Wood’s public battle against booze and 21 year-old Russian mail order brides, and is taking stock of his own life. Well, Keith, you could look at Ron Wood as having a battle against booze, but here at the ‘head, we try to put a positive spin on it and look at him as totally winning against sobriety. Find out what drugs you were on circa Exile on Main Street and get back on those, Rock and Roll needs you, mate.
Ozzy Osbourne was gonna call his new solo record that comes out in July “Soul Sucka”. We’re not making that up, swear. But after announcing the title online to the legion of half-wits known as Ozzy-fans, the possiible inventor of the head-bang has gone back to the drawing board. Sharon had Ozzy say that “When we put that on the Internet none of my fan base liked the title. They were like, ‘I can’t imagine me walking around the fucking house with the words ‘Soul Sucka’ on my T-shirt.’ So I was like, ‘Fuck it. I’ve got to come up with something else!’ ” Yeah you do. You should also try replacing the wack song titles you’ve probably got with more true to life things like “Confused Old Man Falls Down, Farts”, “Vocals Same as Guitar” and “Sharon’s Dick”.
In other Ozzy news, a documentary “about reconciling Ozzy’s past and looking toward the future” called “Wreckage Of My Past” and directed by Mike Piscitelli, written and produced by Jordan Tappis and executive-produced by mega Buddyhead-fan Jack Osbourne is due in theaters in late 2010 and it sounds cool. It’s supposed to feature interviews with all original members of Black Sabbath and be super honest. We can’t wait to see it and we’re gonna be pissed if we don’t get invited to some sort of premiere party with an open bar for posting this. Here’s the trailer:
Speaking of crazy old people… for more laughs than this Gossip update, pick up the new copy of Spin with Courtney Love for amazingly hilarious pull-quotes like “I DON’T DO DRUGS!” and “I AM A GREAT PARENT!” That shit split our sides seeing as we have the same dealer as C Love and half the time we need our shit homeboy is SOLD OUT!
Someone call up RCA records and tell them not even WE think it’s funny to exploit the retarded:
Yeah, as she so eloquently put it, the three-holed mongoloid above is named Kesha. In case you’re one of those extremely fortunate people who don’t have anyone in your life who hates you enough to have exposed you to her yet, yer in luck – Buddyhead does hate you enough! So, we want to inform you that this sperm bank’s single, “Tik Tok” has had the the NUMBER 1 SONG in our nation for weeks. Don’t believe us? Read this and fucking weep: http://www.billboard.com/charts/hot-100#/charts/hot-100. Finding out that “Tik Tok” is the top song in America makes about as much sense to us as finding out the top selling dessert in America is called “Jizz-pudding”. Does not compute.
Ke$ha – Tik Tok
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The terrifying thing is that, by virtue of this being her debut single, this is likely the LEAST unlistenable song off her album “Animal”. We’re assuming that was chosen as the title because listening to this shit is like the hip-hop equivalent of watching a gorilla do sign language. Can you even imagine what the deep cuts sound like? Shivers, kids.
Apparently, there’s a competition for worst rapper going on that we didn’t know about cause just when we thought Ke$ha spit up the worst rhymes we’ve ever heard, Cowboy Troy came into our lives. In an earnest attempt to prove to the country music establishment he’s one of the “good ones”, Cowboy Troy mixes country with hip hop into a little concoction he likes to call “Hick Hop”. The results make the 1986 Chicago Bears rap “The Superbowl Shuffle” sound like a lost Tupac classic. Get a load of this dork and compare for yourself:
Cowboy Troy – Hick Chick (Dance Remix): Click HERE.
Cowboy Troy – I Play Chicken with the Train: Click HERE.
The Super Bowl Shuffle:
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There’s also a Farm Remix (!) of “Hick Chick” so be sure not to deprive yourself of that little gem.
But that’s not all kids: There’s yet another entry into the contest and you don’t even need to know anything but their name to know they’re gagging on the dong of lameness. We’re of course talking about Los Angeles’s own Grammy Nominated LMFAO:
Wow. Wanna hear something pretty ironic? These two Geico Cavemen extras are the son and nephew of the legendary Berry Gordy, founder and leader of fucking MOTOWN! Guess sometimes the apple gets shot out of a cannon from the tree. How did this happen Berry? Did you bang your sister while your brother banged your other sister? Perhaps the most mind blowing thing is that Mr. Gordy’s living reminder of the dangers of unprotected sex, Stefan Gordy (who goes by the suitably retarded name “Redfoo” in LMFAO) was born in 1975. By our admittedly shaky math, that means this cretin is at least 34 years old. Are you fucking kidding us, hombre? 34 years old and “Shots! shots! shots! shots! shots! shots!” is the best you can do? Looks like trust funds can buy all the stupid neon glasses and shirts with “I’m In (insert name of city) Bitch” you need, but can’t make up for talent skipping a generation. Nuk-akke’d!!!!
Nuked + Bukkake’d = Nuk-akke’d!!!! Yes, Buddyhead just expanded your vocab for the worst once again.
Jimmy Flame’s dream came true! Travis and Joel Jett knew Jimmy Flame (The Ayatollah of Rock N’ Rollah) back in the early 90s and his life dream was to become a Pro-Wrestler! See kids, sometimes your dreams do come true. Do you like how we left you on a warm and fuzzy note with this one? Got you in a spending money mood?
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