Buddyhead's Best and Worst Records Of 2009

So can we all agree that this was about the worst decade ever and that 2009 was the cherry on top of the diarrhea sundae that was the last 10 years? Everyone was broke, the best rock n’ roll band in the world- Oasis- broke up, jobs were hard to come by, the rock press got tricked into thinking “lo-fi” automatically equaled “good”, Michael Jackson’s overdose transformed him from “Jacko The Tabloid Joke” to “MJ – Demi-God” in the eyes of millions of mindless idiot consumers, Crabcore swept through the Bible-belt like a brushfire, Sky Saxon of The Seeds died and gas prices shot up higher than anything NASA has ever put their name on. However, hard times are usually fodder for great art and 2009 churned out more bueno records than any year in recent memory. In fact, the quantity of rad music we were turned onto this year was so large that we were forced to expand Buddyhead’s “sometimes-annual” Best & Worst Records Of The Year to 30 records. We also felt slightly guilty for that three year vacation (*cough*bender*cough*) we took from all of this. Hey man, we got our priorities mixed up! What did you expect from Buddyhead? Get Real!

But fear not, because Buddyhead is back and “For The Children” now more than ever. Now that ODB is dead and gone, we’ll be picking up his slack. We don’t walk, we get carried. And you’ve got our word that we’ll not be taking any breaks (that are too long) from now on. Hell who knows, maybe we’ll even back-track and play ketchup with 2006, 2007 and 2008 Best/Worst lists. Hey, maybe Axl Rose will grow his hair back too. Either way, we’re not going anywhere. So, unless some creepy-psycho rolls up with a copy of Catcher In The Rye and pulls a Mark David Chapman on us, we plan on sticking with this whole Buddyhead thing. We love doing this and, let’s be honest, at this point, it’s really all we know how to do, unless you wanna count pumping gas…but that doesn’t really make our lady-friends wanna play “Hide The Pickle” with us. Shit, doubt we’d even get a game of “Just the Tip” going if it wasn’t for this. Plus, from our point of view it seems safe to declare that we have entered Buddyhead’s most productive year ever with our weekly (or at worst monthly) Gossip updates and ever expanding staff in 2009, so the chances of this ego-masteurbation-rant coming true are actually pretty good.

This year’s list was compiled by the following music journalists: Travis Keller, Kevin Hilliard, Meathead and Joel Jett.

You’ll probably notice that this collection of albums is pretty different than every other year-end out there, which might as well all be a single list considering how many of the same bands appear. Excellent use of the “Copy and Paste” functions American Music Press, you guys really provide a valuable service! Can’t believe you actually get paid to write about music, it’s a crime we tell ya! Please note: we here at Buddyhead stick with what we know, so you won’t find us inserting our white-cracker feet in our mouths over who’s the best rapper or giving a flying fuck about DJ culture like who’s the best re-mixer like Spin, Rolling Stone and “The Blogs” are trying to these days. We’d rather review potato chips folks. That said, you’ll find that the rock bands on this list have little in common with each other, stylistically or otherwise. Also, we’re not ranking any of these records, because let’s be honest, that’s fucking retarded! This isn’t college basketball, this is rock n’ roll. Like we’ve said before, how could you possibly decide between Shat and Radiohead, and which of them contributed the greatest album of the year? That’s apples and oranges my good friends, the universe needs both opposing energies to keep balance and remain in perfect harmony. It’s science, look that shit up!

As usual, we’ve also included a “Worst Of” list for you. Now don’t start talking all that shit about how the dudes at Buddyhead are negative, like to bum people out and are all around downer people! Not so! We’re just doing like Nardwuar The Human Serviette, we’re here to serve the youth. Go ahead and use this list of terrible albums as what we’d like to call a “compass of evil”.  Think of it as a guide for today’s children to point them in the right direction and steer them clear from audio molestation. Just like it’s important to study all of the world’s wars so that we don’t make the same mistakes, these albums and artists should be studied so that their musical atrocities will never be committed again.

The “Rules”:
No re-issues, “best of” albums, live albums, or previously unreleased material collections.  Also no Buddyhead releases, or bands with Buddyhead people in them… though by now you should know that if we’re involved with it, owning that shit is totally mandatory. So is hitting the Buddyhead Online Merch Store HARD, if you’re reading this shit then you owe it to us to go buy a shirt RIGHT NOW!

Drum roll please…. So once again ladies and germs of the internet, in a very immature attempt to shock and wow people with bad words and even badder grammar, not to mention a pretty damn good excuse to showcase our latest euphemisms for penis, vagina, and wussy, and most importantly for the benefit of the children, here they are… Buddyhead’s Best & Worst Records Of 2009, in no particular order!

BEST RECORDS OF 2009:
(in no particular order)

AA Bondy – “When The Devil’s Loose”

This dude is better at the whole “just me and a guitar” thing than anybody else right now, HANDS DOWN! AA Bondy runs circles around pretty much everyone in the song writing department plus the dude has a black belt in fingerpicking and playing harmonica. In fact, he sounds best when it’s just him, his guitar + a harmonica. That’s why it was kind of a bummer he recorded this second album with a full band. It’s still a great record full of great songs though – duh we put it on the Best Records Of The Year list – but we can’t help but think they would have sounded better if they were recorded in the same vein as his sparse and stripped down debut, “American Hearts”. At least he hasn’t gotten into world music yet.

Bonus trivia: This dude doesn’t like how much waste hotels create so he sleeps in his car on tour. How fucking weird and rad is that?

AA Bondy – “Mightiest of Guns”

Reigning Sound – “Love and Curses”

We love us some Greg Cartwright around here, we’re OG Cartwright. Believe it. In fact we’ve been down with this dude since back in 1995 when Joel floated Travis promo copies of “Soul Food” from The Oblivians that he got from the record store he worked at in Northern Idaho. Old school. Here with “Love And Curses” the old dogs once again show all the young pups how it’s done. Although this sure as hell isn’t as good as it’s predecessors, “Time Bomb High School” or “Too Much Guitar”, this new batch of Greg Cartwright songs is only further proof that his songwriting is unfuckwithable! Hey Greg, we heard you’re a trust fund kid who loves to drop cheddar on music and all things rock n’ roll!? Well hey there Kemosabi, ain’t nothing more rock n’ roll than Buddyhead… can we call you daddy?

Reigning Sound – “Call Me”

The Strange Boys – “And Girls Club”

Aside from the singer sounding a little too much like “Blonde On Blonde” era Bobby Dylan (then again we can’t really think of a better dude’s style to bite), The Strange Boys are what we’d call guitar rock at it’s finest. In these days of bloated rock bands and boring “reunions” that have lost the plot, these dudes shine like a beacon of light due to how much they totally get it. They’re a bare bones garage-rock band who take the best from old blues and county music, then shove their take on it through a modern psychedelic fuzz. The word on the street is that these dudes have already recorded their second album “Be Brave” in Costa Mesa with their sometime member “when he has time”, Tim Presely from Darker My Love.  Our favorite song on THIS LP is “Heard You Wanna Beat Me Up”. Check it out.

The Strange Boys – “Heard You Wanna Beat Me Up”

King Khan & BBQ – Invisible Girl / The Almighty Defenders – “The Almighty Defenders”

We couldn’t pick between these two records featuring King Khan plus you know how fuckin’ lazy we are! So here are two records with our favorite James Brown impersonator, King Khan, the first being “Invisible Girl”. It’s the third album from this “Shrine-less” King Khan & BBQ duo and it looks like they’ve finally perfected their songwriting formula, either that or third time is a charm, cuz this record is SOLID!  “Animal Party” is the best, not to mention cheapest, babysitter in the world, FACT! Put that song on repeat and watch any child discover his new favorite song. The King Khan & BBQ Show + Cole Alexander, Jared Swiley, Ian Saint Pé, and Joe Bradley from The Black Lips = The Almighty Defenders. An ‘evil gospel’ supergroup album recorded during an off-week between tours in Berlin for both bands. Squeezed out in a drunken week, this collection of party tunes is almost better than either bands’ real studio records cuz it captures the feeling of seeing these hillbillies live. “What do you mean there’s a party going on tonight?”

The Almighty Defender -”The Ghost With The Most”

King Khan and BBQ – “Animal Party”

The Magic Wands – “Magic And Dreams”

This debut is technically only an EP but it’s so damn good (plus we heard so few people talking about this band) that we’re putting this fucker on here anyways. Sue us. Instantly like-able and totally sugar sweet dreamy danceable pop songs sprinkled with dirty guitars. Think The Jesus And Mary Chain “Honey’s Dead” era guitar tones. This transient couple/band who cite both Los Angeles, CA and Nashville, TN as their home, are currently holed up in a San Franciscan studio banging out their first full length that should have you dancing your ass off sometime in 2010. We can’t fuckin’ wait!

The Magic Wands – “Black Magic”

Jacuzzi Boys – “No Seasons” (+ “Island Avenue EP”)

Florida totally fucking sucks. Sorry if you live there (really, we are), but it’s neck-n-neck with TexASS as the worst state in the union. And musically, not a whole lot of good shit has come out of the state where midwestern fuckheads go to die and bake in the sun. In fact, most of their musical contributions can be counted on one hand. Let’s see… home to crocodiles, hurricanes that wipe out thousands of houses and swamps full of snakes… sounds like a party but I think we’ll stay over here in the sunshine state of California. But we’ve gotta acknowledge that Florida HAS given us Tom Petty, 2 Live Crew and now on a third finger…. straight outta Miami… we’ve got three youngster weirdos known as The Jacuzzi Boys who are takin-names, kickin-ass and makin-hits! This pupil-dilatingly Nugget-influenced trio cut their teeth with a string of badass seven-inch releases full of fuzz (“I Fought a Crocodile”, split with Woven Bones, “Ghost Ghost” and our favorite “Island Ave” EP), bad acid, and animal references. We’re pretty sure that almost every song is about an animal. And now, with “No Seasons”, they have outdone themselves (and their contemporaries, The Black Lips) with this epic party-starter full length. To quote fellow Miami resident, godfather of punkrock and Jacuzzi Boys fan, Mr. James Newell Osterberg, Jr. (AKA Iggy Pop): “There’s a band here in Miami called the Jacuzzi Boys. It’s a stupid name but they’ve got a good spirit. Shout out to the Jacuzzi Boys!” Good work fellas, a firm slap on the ass to you.

Jacuzzi Boys – “Island Ave” (7 inch version)

Jacuzzi Boys -”Dock”

Death – “…For The Whole World To See”

Technically a reissue seeing as how it was recorded in 1974 but didn’t come out til 2009. And technically this record is just too bad ass to follow any rules anyways so it makes this list despite what we said in the intro. Death is the three Hackney brothers who were the inspiration to Bad Brains. They were fueled by their Detroit brothers in The Stooges and MC5. These dudes were ahead of their time. 35 years ahead of their time to be exact.

Death – “Politicians In My Eyes”

Ty Segall – “Lemons”

Ty Segall’s self-titled debut that was released at the end of 2008 on Castle Face Records is fuckin’ great. But his sophomore record, Lemons, that showed up via Goner Records (which is run by a dude in the Oblivians’ who isn’t Greg Cartwright, Eric Friedl) a few months later is even better! San Fran’s one-man-band comes out hard, heavy and poppy at the same time. This record sounds like it was recorded entirely in a bathroom plus it’s got a Captain Beefheart cover off “Safe As Milk” on it, bonus points!

Ty Segall – “It #1″

Kasabian – “West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum”

For a place that’s mostly known for it’s lack of good food, plethora of bad teeth, lack of showers and negative sunny days, England sure knows how to rock. These lads that wear their Mancunian influences on their sleeve proudly are a prime example of modern rock n’ roll done right. Sure these dudes sound a lot like The Stone Roses, Happy Mondays, Oasis and the rest of The Creation Records catalog all rolled into one but that’s pretty fookin’ cool if you ask us. Plus with this Dan The Automator- produced third full length not only have these dudes hit their stride but they’ve proved they know how to write some fookin’ catchy songs and still retain a raw and danceable sound that’s all their own. In the UK “West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum” was number #1 on the charts for several weeks, only to be knocked off by the sharp increase in sales of Michael Jackson albums following his overdose. Speaking of, let’s party Michael Jackson style! Who’s got the propofol, lorazepam and midazolam?

Kasabian – “Where Did All The Love Go?”

Atlas Sound – “Logos”

Speaking of weird, this dude is the king. The beautiful album that almost wasn’t by the dude that’s so weird he doesn’t even need drugs. After an accidental leak halfway through recording, Deerhunter frontman Brad Cox almost stopped recording the awesome mindfuck that is Logos. We’re glad he pulled it together, grew a pair and finished this thing cuz it rules the school.

Atlas Sound – “Shella”

White Denim – “Fits”

Judging by the sound of this album, these dudes have listened to some good records and done some good drugs in their lives. This record sounds like what happens when 3 dudes are prescribed LSD for their A.D.D. We wouldn’t say something called “songwriting” was in the front of these dudes’ minds when they got together to write “Fits”, but a strong sense of how to keep things musically interesting and have a good time while doing it was definitely present…plus the singer of this band just so happens to be the son of former Major League Baseball catcher Geno Petralli who caught Nolan Ryan’s 300th career win in 1990! Yeah, we just knew that off the top of our heads.

White Denim – “I Start To Run”

Future of the Left – “Travels with Myself and Another”

I guess if you never brush your teeth, you really can get a lot more done, cause here’s another Brit band on our best of! When the red coats in Future of the Left put out “Curses” in ’07, they simultaneously reminded us of all the reasons that McLusky was a great band and showed us they had some new tricks up their sleeves. With “Travels with Myself and Another”, Andy Falkous and co. prove that this project might just be superior to McLusky. Armed with the 12 killer tunes that just might be the most perfect embodiment of snotty British (or in this case, Welsh) melodic punk rock since Wire’s late 70′s heyday, FOTL makes a relatively old tradition sound fresh and vital. Able to shift from aggressively in your face to anthemic on a dime, these teachuggers find a balance on this record that will ensure its classic status for years to come.  There are very few bands out there that are writing songs this well-constructed and instantly memorable and there are NO bands out there that sound this fucking punk while doing it. Take notes kids, this band has being rad down to a science.

The Future Of The Left – “The Hope That House Built”

Tortoise – “Beacons of Ancestorship”

When you get to be an old dude, it’s easy to lose things. For example, the dirty old men in Chicago’s Tortoise lost their balls for a while a few years ago when they put out “It’s All Around You”, which was like audio-anesthesia. Fortunately, they rediscovered them, squirted a litttle fixadent on there and shoved’em back in their pants cause “Beacons of Ancestorship” flirts with levels of rocking-ness these dudes have rarely, if ever approached in the past.  Listen to “Prepare Your Coffin” and tell us you don’t get a little amped. Don’t get too jazzed, cause “Millions Now Living Will Never Die” this record ain’t, but the amazing songwriting and talent for development is still there and Tortoise still dwarfs pretty much every other instrumental band we’ve ever heard.  However, this record still doesn’t make us want to visit Chicago.

Tortoise – “Prepare Your Coffin”

Kitty, Daisy, & Lewis – “S/T”

Out of London (yep another one) a trio of siblings brings us an album that is so much fun it doesn’t matter that most of it is covers. These multi-instrumentalist kids are so damn good that we’re pretty sure their parents have been beating them since a young age to turn them into the stage puppets they are. Plus you can’t deny that this record has some fuckin’ amazingly authentic sounding production that you can only achieve through vintage recording equipment and a small guy named Liam Watson from the infamous Milkshakes twisting the knobs. Child abuse or not, these kids bring us the best in rock, blues, swing, country, and everything in between and do it with a passion and energy that makes it anything but a tired shtick.

Kitty, Daisy & Lewis – “Goin’ Up The Country”

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives – “Communion”

This two-disc, twenty-four song collection is the fifth studio album from T.S.O.O.L. These Nordic weirdos have been cranking out killer records that don’t sound like ABBA and aren’t death metal for close to a decade now from their little Scandinavian country of Sweden. In case you didn’t know, that’s where Ikea is from. Chances are your apartment looks exactly like these dudes’ apartments.

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives – “Thrill Me”

Eddy Current Suppression Ring – “ST”

This LP originally came out in 2007 in the rest of the world, but didn’t see the light of day here in The States till this year. Technically it’s not a new release but let’s face facts, until a record comes out in America it’s not really out. You can thank the fine folks at Goner records for making sure that we were able to hear the debut from these Aussie badasses. This LP will smash you over the head with Stooges-like-swagger mixed with some kind of arty twist while leaving all the pretentious bullshit behind them. Grab your cup of coffee and blast “Get Up Morning” to get your day started right! Also make sure to pick up “Primary Colors” and whatever their other records are called.

Eddy Current Suppression Ring – “Get Up Morning”

Box Elders – “Alice and Friends”

With these dudes making noise like this there may actually be some kind of reason to go to Nebraska other than having to pass through it on the way to somewhere else. Oh wait, that’s why bands go on tour! Three dudes including an off the hook drummer that kind of resembles a goblin who plays both keyboards and drums at the same time in the vein of Animal from The Muppets. Sounds goofy but Box Elders have seriously made one of the best pop records of the year.

Box Elders – “Jackie Wood”

Digital Leather – “Warm Brother”

We here at Buddyhead have been fans of Digital Leather since the very beginning, when it was mainly a punk synth fling from the lone Shawn Foree. On this new LP they’ve really stepped up their game. It’s hands down the best offering thus far in their career. This time around that little studio project has become a full on band, includes way more guitar and they get bonus points cuz the title is a reference to a Nazi gay joke! There also seems to be a bit more focus on the writing cuz songs are all top notch and the lyrics are solid. In another time and place Tony Wilson would have been begging these fuckers to sign up on Factory Records. “Kisses” gets my vote for song of the year!

Digital Leather – “Kisses”

The Mean Jeans – “Are You Serious”

These three champions breathe new life into the Ramones core brand of punk rock. They rock the fuck out and party like animals. None of em have that stupid Ramones haircut either! So grab a six- pack of “Werewolf Killers” (Silver Bullets AKA Coors Lite), put this platter on, dance around in your undies and get ready to watch the sun come up.

The Mean Jeans – “Case Race”

Vic Chesnutt – “At The Cut”

You might remember the recently deceased (he overdosed on muscle relaxers on December 25th 2009) Georgian singer-songwriter, Vic Chesnutt, from the 90’s  tribute album of mainstream artists covering his songs called “Sweet Relief II: Gravity of the Situation”. Or you might be familiar with some of the seventeen albums he’s released during his career, including two produced by Michael Stipe. Either way this dude was in a wheelchair and he was running circles around almost everyone in the songwriting department. This latest offering was recorded in Montreal, is a collaboration with Fugazi’s Guy Picciotto and members of Godspeed You! Black Emperor and A Silver Mt. Zion and could quite possibly be his best slab of plastic ever! We’ll miss ya Vic.

Vic Chesnutt – “Flirted With You All My Life”

Obits – “I Blame You”

When we first heard that The Hot Snakes broke up we were bummed that one of our favorite bands was no more. But looking back on the way things developed it now looks as though us Hot Snake fans totally won! Instead of one rad band, we ended up with San Diego’s The Nightmarchers (fronted by singer/comedian John Reis along with Hot Snake Gar (original Hot Snakes drummer), the pigtailed Jason Kourkounis, and some 15 year- old bass player named Tommy) as well as New York’s Obits (fronted by Rick Froberg along with three other dudes we don’t know)! Now the radness is bi-costal BITCHES!

Obits – “Pine On”

Githead –“Landing”

What was once merely a Wire side-project, Githead has now landed with its third full length as an equally exciting project featuring Mr. Colin Newman. Which if you know how much we loved the “Read & Burn” EPs, “Send” as well as the early Wire shit then you know we’re not just talkin’ shit about these jams!

Githead – “Landing”

Francis Harold & The Holograms “Who Said These Were Happy Times”

This is the hate-filled soundtrack you’ve been waiting for… primal noise punk and sleaze-infested ooze that steals a page from Flipper’s book. The only complaint we have is we’d like the fucking vocals up in the mix a bit more cuz part of the fun of Flipper is killer poetic lyrics. Did we mention these guys might have put out the year’s best album cover too?

Francis Harold & The Holograms – “Christian Rat Attack”

Meat Puppets – “Sewn Together”

Off heroin and ready to rock again, these cow-punkers put out their twelve full length in 2009. Still weirder than most bands, The Meat Puppets handed us their most cohesive collection to date. Hide your mom when these dudes plow through town!

Meat Puppets – “Rotten Shame”

Extra Golden – “Thank You Very Quickly“

Extra Golden is two dudes from Golden (which featured bad-ass John Theodore on drums), Ian Eagleson, and a dude from Weird War, plus a dude from Kenya going nuts! Kenyan Benga music with American Rock and some African guitar sprinkled in for flavor. This kind of thing usually is chock- full of lameness (see Vampire Weekend below), but these dudes are so undeniably weird and wonderfully epic that this album can’t be stopped.

Extra Golden – “Gimakiny Akia”

Jarvis Cocker – “Further Complications”

Not our favorite Jarvis moment by any means (in fact Travis gave it a bad review), but this Steve Albini -produced sophomore solo effort has grown on us. This ain’t no Pulp record for sure, but Jarvis comes off randier-than-ever with Angela and other tales of shagging. Jarvis is so well dressed that he somehow makes even his mediocre records seem stylishly great.

Jarvis Cocker – “Angela”

The Bugs – “Barbaric, Mystical, Bored”

One of Portland Oregon’s best- kept secrets! The Bugs fucking own and this record is proof. Two piece garage punk that blends everything from the art punk of the Urinals to full on ballads that would fit in on some lost 60′s Nugget single. Trying to pin down this band’s sound is a bit unfair since they can pretty much do whatever they want at any time and make it work. You just have to get the record and hear it for yourself.

The Bugs – “This Ain’t Rocket Science”

Shannon and the Clams – “I Wanna Go Home”

Brilliant band out of San Francisco that put this LP out just before the year’s end. Shannon has some pipes on her and her soulful vocals over these girl group doo wop sounds makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I always wondered why in the hell people flipped out over the Detroit Cobras who are a glorified cover band with no stage presence? Why not give Shannon & The Clams some of that love. They write their own shit and perform it with way more pizazz.

Shannon – “You Can Come Over”

Tyvek – “S/T”

First full length from these cats that caught them quite a bit of flack from a bunch of crybaby garage rock trend-hopping door knobs. I say it rules! Twisted catchy art punk in the vein of Wire meets Mission Of Burma played so loose it feels like bubblegum is the only thing holding the songs together. Add some lo-fi production and there you have it.

Tyvek – “Frustration Rock”

Bob Dylan – “Together Through Life” / “Christmas in the Heart”

Once again Zimmerman steps up to the plate and facials every young-hip band with another grandslam of an album that just so happened to debut at number one in both the US (making him the oldest artist to ever debut at number one in the Billboard 200 chart) and UK. And for those that are keeping score, this one just happens to be his 33rd album at sixty eight years of age. Beat that. With the help of his regular touring band plus David Hidalgo of Los Lobos and Mike Campbell who he stole from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers for this record, Dylan put out his best album in years. Let’s not forget about the epicly violent video for “Beyond Here Lies Nothin’”, that was a pretty cool move, especially for a cat his age. Also released this year was Zim-Dawg’s 34th record, “Christmas in the Heart”. Which is, if you aren’t a poser and know your Dylanology, pretty fuckin’ funny.

Bob Dylan – “Beyond Here Lies Nothin”

WORST RECORDS OF 2009:
(in no particular order)

Brokencyde “I’m Not A Fan But the Kids Like It” / Millionaires “Just Got Paid, Let’s Get Laid”

Like we said, we’re not ranking these records. However, if you held a gun to our heads and asked us to tell you what the worst record of 2009 is, we’d probably tell you it was Brokencyde’s album “I’m Not a Fan but the Kids Like It”.  That’s a pretty bold statement considering we also had Attack Attack!, Marilyn Manson, Puddle of Mudd, and Insane Clown Posse records come out in ‘09 and even a Creed reunion record to contend with this year.  Seriously though people, this shit crosses every musical line that we’re aware of, draws another line, crosses that and then molests a puppy on the other side. This band’s terrorism-justifying sound is an amalgam of every terrible thing that’s happened in music since the late 90′s: Misspelled band name a la Nu-Metal? Check.  Emo singing paired up with some subhuman screaming in the background in the vein of shitty emocore? Double check. Auto-tuned vocals that would be right at home on a T. Pain song?  Yep. Geometry haircuts with retarded colors and graffiti- themed clothing that every metalcore band on the cover of Alternative Press seems to be sporting these days? Done and done.  Add a dash of the lamest hip-hop/crunk beats imaginable and a pinch of pro date-rape lyrics and you’ve got what might be the worst record of the year and possibly even the worst record we’ve ever heard.

Oh, yeah almost forgot about Millionaires. They’re just Brokencyde with vaginas. Fuck them too. We hope these mutants all give each other gonorrhea.

Reel Big Fish – “Fame, Fortune, & Fornication”

Satan finally got what he wanted for Christmas in 2009: a ska band covering Poison and more!  You really scored big this year champ cuz those rude boys in Reel Big Fish figured since they tricked 7th graders into liking ska in the 90′s by covering A-Ha! they could pull the same shit with a full covers record in 2009. BAD BET dudes.  Call up the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and see if they can set you up with an interview at whichever spaghetti factory they’re waiting tables at now.  Bring your flair, you’re gonna need it!

Dashboard Confessional – “Alter The Ending”

It’s been a while since this tattooed fairy released a record and we heard about it. Guess we’ve been lucky he hasn’t been on our radar. This pussy reinvented sucking in 2001 and is just as bad in 2009, FACT! FYI – if you bust out your Webster’s Dictionary and look up the word “pussy”, you’ll find the following:

Pus-sy / poosee/ n. (pl. ies)
1. a cat. (also pussycat) 2. the vulva. (coarse slang, usually considered a taboo use)
3. the singer of dashboard confessional.

Creed – “Full Circle”

PRAISE THE LORD! That’s what we were thinking as news came that we were rid of these goons when Scott Stapp and the other Jesus-freaks from Creed “broke up” back in 2004! BUT, just like that creepy little girl Carol-Anne from Poltergeist II said… “They’re baaaaaaack!” Yep, that break-up turned out to only be a four-year breather from their Christian Rock fueled P-Jam tribute band before they realized they needed to resurrect Creed so that they could steal back some of the inbred country vag they’d lost to Three Doors Down. Newsflash: EVEN JESUS HATES CREED! This is a total bummer cause a new Creed record coming out in 2009 is the musical equivalent of your alcoholic dad showing up again after a four-year long bender: it stinks, it talks a lot about submitting to a higher power, and its presence drastically increases the likelihood of domestic violence.

Guns N’ Roses – “Chinese Democracy”

Before you guys start whining in the comments about how this record came out two years ago and shouldn’t technically qualify for our Worst Records of 2009 list, let us remind you that it took Axl Rose and a laundry list of retards 13 years to record and release this mind- blowingly embarrassing legacy annihilator of an album. Plus, if you thought that a guy with a giant yellow bee-foot guitar and a dude with a KFC chicken bucket on his head being in Guns N’ Roses was fucking mortifying, then check out the newest and by far the douchiest “NOT-SLASH” toolbox that’s on Axl’s payroll in the video below. Why is it that older rockers always think dudes who look like they are cast-members of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” are actually hip young dudes that are perfect for their rock band? Ten bucks says that this douchebag, DJ Ashba, ends up on HCwDB.com in the near future.

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Weezer – “Raditude”

Weezer has never been particularly good at coming up with album titles. Hell, half the time they don’t even bother, (their 2008 release was their third self-titled). That’s some George Foreman shit. But you know they really threw in the towel once they started drawing inspiration from Rainn Wilson, from whose grotesquely large and misshapen head the name of their latest affront to common decency, Raditude, was spawned. He’s probably the genius who also thought up the idea of the Weezer Snuggie, long past the point when it might have actually been slightly funny, or at least timely. Instead, it was just a stupefyingly weak attempt to latch onto the ass end of a joke that no one has actually laughed at for at least a year, proving once and for all that Weezer is where irony goes to die (see also: everything else they’ve ever done). In case that’s not enough to convince you, may we present Exhibit B: “Can’t Stop Partying (feat. Lil Wayne).” We rest our case.

Kiss – “Sonic Boom”

No one likes it when old people wear costumes.

…

“Kiss live stage banter”

Pearl Jam – “Backspacer”

We’ve tried to back this traveling retirement home in the past because, unlike most of the spunk-chuggers on this list, these dudes actually put out some good albums at one point in their career.  Then Spready Cheddar and co. released this record, which is about as awesome as the drum gloves Matt Cameron straps on every night. This record sounds like a sampler of the 11 worst bar bands over 40 in America. Time to put down the instruments and pick up the Bingo cards dudes. While you’re at it, have Matt call up the boys from Soundgarden and tell them the reunion idea is a NON-STARTER.

Monsters of Folk – “Monsters of Folk”

Monsters of Suck is more like it.  If you’ve ever read Buddyhead, you know we’re somewhat less than pro-Conor Oberst, so that douche nozzle’s involvement + the ego trip of a band name is two strikes against this record before we even put it in the stereo. However, we’ve backed Jim James’ main gig “My Morning Jacket” before so there was some hope that this album might contain a song or two on it we could get psyched about. That bet turned out to be about as solid as a Taco Bell dinner on the way out.  Spend your money on that AA Bondy record instead of this collection of songs that are white as bird shit.

Juliette Lewis – “Terra Incognita”

Scientologist/actress Juliette Lewis has dumped her band of hired-guns known as “The Licks” and is back with her third attempt at being taken seriously as a musician that she hired Omar Rodriguez-Lopez of The Mars Volta (see below) to produce. STRIKE THREE! YERRRRRR OUTTA HERE! Also see the 30 Seconds to Mars entry below…most of that applies here too.

Fuck Buttons – “Tarot Sport”

This is the sophomore record by two British assholes (see we don’t love everything that comes out of England) that raided Toys R’ Us for instruments, used the word “fuck” (hardy har har) in their name and were immediately hailed as geniuses by dorks in the indie rock press.  We’re pretty sure we could record a similar sounding record by bringing a tape recorder to a 8 year-olds birthday party.  We call bullshit.

Chickenfoot – “Chickenfoot”

As rad as early Van Halen was, the subsequent decades have been filled with a lot of bummer moments in Michael “The Secret Weapon” Anthony’s career and have culminated in the ultimate lame experience known as gold record status band Chickenfoot. For the benefit of future generations let’s review the six steps towards total-wackness that The Secret Weapon took to arrive here today on Buddyhead’s Worst Records of 2009 List.

1) Van Hagar
2) Van Halen III  = Van Halen + dicklicker from Extreme
3) “The Other Side” = the Michael Anthony/Sammy Hagar Van Halen tribute band
4) Van Halen (except Michael Anthony who was replaced with Eddie Van Halen’s 16 year old son, Wolfgang) reforming for a world tour with Diamond David Lee Roth
5) Mad Anthony’s Hot Sauce
6) Chickenfoot = Sammy Hagar + “The Secret Weapon” + Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer/Will Ferrell lookalike Chad Smith + bald wanker Joe “Satch” Satriani

It’s pretty sad times when there are enough inbred retards out there buying this soundtrack to beating your kids to, to award these out-of-touch yahoos with a gold record. Considering all of the above the only thing super about this “supergroup” is that it’s SUPER SHITTY! Hey Joe Satriani, at least you can relax a bit now cuz there’s no way Coldplay (or anyone else for that matter) will ever think about ripping off any Chickenfoot songs!

Pens – “hey friend ! what you doing?”

I’ll tell you what I’m doin! Throwing this turd like a frisbee across the room. Hey girls! Just because something is recorded in a lo-fi manner doesn’t make it good. You have to have some songs in there somewhere. But good for you! You fooled quite a few people into thinking that this is some good girl punk scronk. We at Buddyhead are not taking the bait. Whatever happened to Huggybear?

Muse – “The Resistance”

The world’s lamest Radiohead cover band apparently bought a Rage Against the Machine record and made a concept record telling people to “Resist the Man”.  We urge you to “resist” this record. Way to self-nuke dorks.

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St. Vincent – “Actor”

In 2009, we’ve called this chick “The Michael Jordan of Boringness”, but we also could have used the “Tiger Woods of Whiteness” (with reference to both his success as a golfer and his accomplishments as a cheating husband) or the “Muhammed Ali of Blandness”. In 2010, we’re looking forward to using the phrase “The St. Vincent of _______”. Hope you’re as excited as we are.

The Mars Volta “Octahedron” (2009) + Omar Rodriguez Lopez “A Manual Dexterity: Soundtrack Volume One” (2004), “Omar Rodriguez” (2005), “Se Dice Bisonte, No Bùfalo” (2007), “The Apocalypse Inside of an Orange” (2007), “Calibration (Is Pushing Luck and Key Too Far)” (2007), “Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fungus” (2008), “Minor Cuts and Scrapes in the Bushes Ahead” (2008), “Old Money” (2008), “Megaritual” (2009), “Despair” (2009), “Cryptomnesia” (2009), “Los Sueños de un Higado” (2009), “Xenophanes” (2009), and “Solar Gambling” (2009)

This is what it sounds like when not a single person has said to a musician “Dude, this is a really bad idea” for about 5 years. Yeah, we know some of the dozen or so records we’ve listed above came out before 2009, but since apparently Omar and the yes men that make up his circle of musician friends seem to never stop recording every single retarded idea they have, this shit comes off like one long, self-indulgent stroke session that doesn’t have an end. Therefore, we think it’s as valid to tell you ALL of this sucks in 2009 as any other time. Omar, muchacho, seriously, it’s break time. Now HIT THE SHOWERS.

Vampire Weekend – “Contra”

Yeah we know this record comes out next week, but since we’ve already been subjected to 3 songs of it and were assaulted by the bitch’s face that adorns this pile of shit everywhere we looked in 2009, thanks to the “viral marketing” campaign their image consultant came up with for the promo, this record is on the list. Yeah, we get it dorks, you wear Polo shirts with popped collars and like chicks who do the same. Congrats. Led by a former white rapper from Columbia University (don’t believe us, check “http://www.myspace.com/lhommerun“ for his “ironic” hip hop stylings) who apparently got a hold of an afro-beat record between trips to the Lacoste store in the Hamptons, this band crowbars that style in with wuss-rock and the results are dick-shrivelingly lame. Do you really care what a group with that kind of biography’s SECOND album sounds like? Buy the Extra-Golden record instead.

Girls – “Album”

San Francisco’s Girls put out a couple of really amazing singles called “Lust For Life” and “Hellhole Ratrace” that got us pretty excited to hear their debut full length. Kinda like the date that leaves you after dinner and a movie you dropped some serious coin on with nothing more than blue-balls, this cleverly titled “Album” left us just as frustrated and with less money to get a tug-job on Hollywood Blvd. Total let down.

Animal Collective – “Merriweather Post Pavilion”

Lazy music journalists tried to act like these nerds armed with bongos and delay pedals were the second coming of The Beatles or some shit. Everyone from Mojo to Rolling Stone to Pitchdork seemed to have these fruitcakes somewhere in their top five records for 2009. These dudes couldn’t write a song if their lives depended on it, they are to songwriting what “Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” is to cinema.

Alice in Chains – “Black Gives Way to Blue”

Oh, cool! A new Alice In Chains album! We were totally bummed when they broke up, but now they’re back together and everything is just like it was before! They didn’t let a little thing like the death of their one-of-a-kind lead singer and highly contributive songwriter get in the way. Tell you what, Jerry: If you can produce a written, signed and notarized letter from Layne Staley stating that, after his inevitable heroin overdose, it’s totally cool for you guys to replace him with a Lenny Kravitz impersonator and then start putting out albums with Elton John, then maybe we’ll start taking the “new” Alice in Chains a little more seriously. In the meantime, the least you could do is put a big fucking asterisk after the name, to prevent anyone from accidentally lumping this piece of shit in with the real Alice in Chains albums.  There’s already a pretty extensive list of bands out there actively trying to ruin your legacy (see: Godsmack, Shinedown etc), why are you dudes helping them out?

Street Sweeper Social Club – “Street Sweeper Social Club”

In 2009 something interesting happened. A couple of Brits decided they were gonna try to embarrass that malorkus from American Idol who likes to make stupid people cry and pretends not to be gay by starting a campaign to have Rage Against the Machine’s classic song “Killing in the Name” be the top of the pops song this Christmas instead of a song he was backing. The campaign worked and Rage beat out some Limey pussy for the number one song. We might be pretty excited about this if we thought it went 1/100th of the way toward undoing all of the lameness that Tom Morello has unleashed on us over the past decade. First there was Audioslave, (we might have preferred ACTUAL  slavery if that option was on the table), then The Nightwatchmen, which makes “Monsters of Folk” sound like a lost early Dylan classic, and now this?!?! Tommy, we needed another rap metal band from you like we need Screech from Saved by the Bell to make another sex tape. Can’t wait for this project to fail so we can finally get that Morello/ Durst collaboration that is starting to seem realistic/inevitable.

Bat For Lashes – “Two Suns”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

wake us up when this record is called “Shat For Gashes” and features only songs by Jeff Wood.

..

Phoenix – “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”

Seeing as how we’ve never been the ones who shy away from making fun of foreigners, we’d like to point out that these Coneheads are from France. Yeah, these dudes are stuck with the stereotypes that they are rude, they smell, they’re always smoking fags and they never shower! And we’d like to point out that in the French language a shower is known as a douche!  Phoenix’s 4th record stinks about as bad as the nostril scorching cloud of B.O. you just know follows these dudes everywhere and to add insult to injury we’ve got to hear these “le tin’s” (that’s French for “dorks”) single on a Cadillac commercial that plays every ten seconds. No wonder America’s auto industry in the toilet, that song makes us wanna go Greyhound. Fail.

Gallows – “Grey Britain”

Staying on the theme of ripping foreigners: Gallows is a lot like American Warped Tour bands cept these spotted-dick loving Brits have way worse teeth, goofy accents, say “trousers” instead of “pants” and have a craving for Jacket-Potatoes. DORKS!

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Puddle Of Mudd – “Vol.4 Songs in the Key of Love and Hate”

The existence of a fourth Puddle Of Mudd record is kinda like if the Nazis won World War II and then World Wars III, IV and V. We’re not really sure who they are or just how it happens, but people actually buy these records and these posers don’t have to get real jobs. All because the idiots in Puddle Of Mudd speak directly to the (mongoloids, err) people of Wal-Mart. Seriously the singer dork Wes Scantlin or whatever his name is must be the “Redneck Whisperer” or some shit cause there is no other explanation as to how we’re still talking about this fossil from the nu-metal era in 2009. Check out their video for “Spaceship”- the fact that these dudes have fans blowing their hair back throughout and AREN’T joking says it all.

Cobra Starship – “Hot Mess”

Staying on the subject of space crafts that suck, 30 year old emo-pop-punkers Cobra Starship, who are friends with the fruitcakes in Fall Out Boy, dress themselves in ironic neon clothes and, with the aid of songwriters who’ve penned “hit songs” for such musical giants as Backstreet Boys, Carrie Underwood & Britney Spears, make really bad “synthpop” for The Snakes On A Plane Soundtrack and “special” 12 year olds who need something to listen to while riding the short bus to school. Plus, the singer of this shit heap used to play in that audio diarrhea factory called Midtown and is also one of the 2000 people who willfully entered themselves to be immortalized in the Halls of Lameness by submitting a picture for the cover of the 30 Minutes in Uranus album we’re about to nuke below. You lose compadre.

30 Seconds To Mars – “This is War”

Much like drinking and driving or Buddyhead and spell check, acting and rocking don’t mix.  This has been proven time and time again (see the Juliette Lewis record above for one example), but somehow these drama queers keep thinking they can play the part of the rock star. Many have done it in the past, but very few have done attempted the crossover in such an over-the-top-hilarious fashion as the dork who played Claire Daines’ love interest in “My So Called Life”.  We’re not even gonna print his name cause, considering he has made at least 3 music videos (aka gigantic visual blowjobs to himself) that have opening and closing credits (!) in the last few years, this dude’s ego is already so mammoth, one more typing of it just might cause him to attempt giving himself head so fast and furious his neck will snap. We don’t want to get sued or nothing. Unfortunately, in 2009 this pretty boy, his brother who looks like him if he were a caveman, and what ever other dorks fill out the line up of 30 Minutes in Uranus put out the record “This Is War”. You guys must have been hanging out with Muse or something, cause you just joined them in the self-nuking club this year. This IS war you turds, so if you want peace, drop the guitars and just start being an overpaid Hollywood actor and his posse of mooches. It’ll be like that show Entourage except there will be WAY less getting laid inolved. Leave the music making to the musicians. Kosher?

P.S. Though you are on our “Worst of” list, the news isn’t all bad. Buddyhead would like to thank you for releasing a record that has 2000 different covers featuring the faces of your fans (as mentioned above).  Now we have amounts to the rock music equivalent of a sex offender registry so we know the faces of people we need to be suspicious of and avoid in our community. Valuable public service dudes!

Insane Clown Posse – “Bang! Pow! Boom!”

You know how we feel about clowns, backyard wrestlers and white rappers, right? Well believe it or not but these two morons can actually claim being members of all three retarded institutions! We’re pretty sure that it just doesn’t get any dumber than this. Fans of ICP call themselves Juggalos and Juggalettes, watch some of the Juggalettes in the mosh-pit:

Yep, we’re totally scraping the bottom of the gene pool with these people folks. Just check out Derel Erdman’s photos he took at the mindblowing Juggalo Gathering in Cave-In-Rock, IL. These photos need to be seen to believed, click HERE.

Attack Attack! – “Someday Came Suddenly”

If inbreeding had a soundtrack, it would probably go a little something like this record. Sure, the RECORD came out in 2008, but it was this circus sideshow’s first crack at a music video, 2009′s “Stick Stickly”, which should already be playing in a 24 hour a day loop in the foyer of the Retardation Hall of Fame, that brought them to everyone’s attention.  Kinda like people don’t usually know they’ve got crabs till the itching starts, we didn’t know America had come down with “Crabcore” until it nearly melted our eyeballs one fateful day this past summer. Now, Crabcore is a household term thanks to the fact that these dudes look like they formulated their stage moves by watching a gynecology video demonstrating how to give birth standing up. Not since “2 Girls 1 Cup” have there been so many videos on youtube showing people just reacting to something. The worst thing is that “Stick Stickly” is the BEST song on this album. Don’t believe us? Check out a little ditty called “The People’s Elbow” (yep, song named for a wrestling move) or any of the other gems included on here. If you do, however, just make sure there isn’t a gun or rope around and you are on the ground floor of whatever building yer in. Sadly, despite all of this unimaginable shittiness, somehow there are already countless numbers of lemmings in graffiti-covered shirts and geometric haircuts aping this formula and are starting their own equally terrible bands.  Devo wasn’t wrong, they were just ahead of their time: human devolution has begun in 2009.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQVpITyOdc8

In case you missed it before, we’ve broken the Stick Stickly video down to its essence (for best results watch clip while reading):

0:01 – The video just started and we already know it’s gonna suck because there is a lone lip-pierced girl sitting in the middle of nowhere. Videos that feature some gothed-up bleeder looking fragile and bummed as the main character are ALWAYS shitty. ALWAYS. We defy you to find a good one.

0:06-0:20 – Yep, as we expected, the chick was a bad omen. The “song” just kicked off in soul crushing fashion with a cookie monster “yow” and the entire band sporting stage moves that look like a cross between masturbating bear from Conan O’Brien and a fucking hermit crab. Do you realize how many friends and family members could have pulled these clowns aside and been like “Dudes, your band already sucks, let’s maybe not compound the problem by playing like you’re shitting a guitar out of your mangina”? Apparently no one felt like doing that. What that means is all of these dudes seriously have zero people in their lives that care for them and probably many that want to see them humiliate themselves on television. Bleak. Hilarious.

0:36 – …and now we’ve shifted from death grunts to singing. How fresh! Way to crowbar in that transition too there fellas! Excellent song craft, doesn’t sound forced at all. You might not have gotten the memo that was circulated circa 2002, but the screamer/singer thing sucked back when it was emo bands doing it. 7 years and a pinch of death metal didn’t sweeten the mix any.

0:58 – Synchronized guitar lifts? Were you felch-fiends male cheerleaders or something? Did you start a band after you realized all the girl cheerleaders fuck football players, not pussies who like to choreograph things?

1:01-1:06 – Fucking BUNNY HOPS?!?!?!?!  This is where we started shouting at our computer and dropping the bottles of beer we were holding in pure astonishment.

1:17-1:18 – Remember 11 seconds ago when you thought the bunny hops were the worst thing that had ever happened to your eyes? Well, the fucktard with the blond streak in his hair playing guitar next to the chubby keyboard player just blew your mind. Full crab position, shifting the weight side to side like he’s stretching either for a track meet or the world anal penetration record, guitar at penis level, looking right at you and NODDING! As if he’s going “Yep, this is happening. You can’t stop it”.

1:36-1:38 – The lead grunter is running in place while reaching his hand out and screaming. That’s actually a good call tubby, you should do more running like that, you know, on a treadmill. Who knows, maybe then you’d have a chance with the girl in your own video. Why you got your hand reached out though dude? Is the director holding out a can of Funfetti cake frosting or something? Whatever keeps you motivated I guess.

1:42-1:45 – Yet another seamless musical transition. Seriously, did you guys tab out 50 shitty riffs, put them in a hat and arrange this song in the order they were picked? We’ve see Latin American coups accomplish smoother transitions than this.

2:31-2:32 – Even the girl that’s being paid to be in this video can’t stand this shit anymore, she’s covering her ears now and then firing her agent later.

2:46-3:18 – This is where we started Googling the word “Hitman”. Everything that’s happened before has been prelude to this moment. After winning the gold medal at Lame Breakdown Olympics, these dudes follow it up at the 2:46 mark firing off the notes of music which must surely trumpet the end of days. From shitty deathcore right into Jock Jams territory without even batting an eye. Golly. Cue the shot of the entire band running in place in UNISON. Where’s the clip of some French dude scoring in a soccer game? The best part is you know these fucks thought they were really onto something when they wrestled this part onto end of the song. That keyboard player totally creams his jeans every time this part happens thinking to himself “Ok fat/shitty keyboard player, this is your moment to shine”. After all of that, just as a little cherry on top, we get the “singer” guitar player
weeping about some bullshit with the autotune dimed on his vocal track like this was some cracker version of a T-Pain song.

3:24 – Ok, it’s over. We’re exhausted and pretty certain we’ve now got cancer just from watching this video. That’s all we’ve got in us. We’re gonna go huff a 30 pack of Glade cans in the hope we might annihilate the brain cells that processed this video.

Marilyn Manson – “The High End of Low”

Marilyn Manson is back with his latest reminder that he still hasn’t OD’d yet, despite his best efforts. We were initially a little hesitant to include this in our Worst Of list ever since he started posting death threats to us on MySpace, but then we remembered that 40 year old, balding, out of shape cokeheads aren’t really all that intimidating. Marilyn has stated that one of the tracks on The High End of Low (we forget which one, like it even matters) was the most important song he’s ever written, which is pretty much the equivalent of taking an exceptionally foul-smelling dump and then bringing all your friends into the bathroom to show them the most important loaf you’ve ever pinched. A turd is a turd, and a Marilyn Manson song is, well, also a turd. Then there’s the song “WOW,” which is so far beyond turditude that it actually makes turds sound like a pretty good alternative. The only silver lining to this turdfest is that it’s one of the approximately five albums released in 2009 that don’t feature any guest appearances by Lil Wayne.

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