Attack Attack! is now 0-2 for fat, retarded singers. We’re stoked.
Looks like Pilsbury finally snapped out of it and walked out of the mall and into the sunset. Here’s team crab-core’s official statement:
Why hello boys and girls!
Thought we’d throw you all a quick little update about what’s currently going on in the AA! lineup. The band and Nick parted ways recently in a mutually agreed non-explosive fashion, which we all believe is the best for both sides.
Caleb is going to retire his keys and start screaming in the front of the band. We DO NOT have a new person in our band. Don’t worry, our music will still be full of Caleb’s programming, keys, and all the good things he concocts. It will just be back-tracked live with the 808 samples and other nonsense on my iPod.
Anyways, we’re not gonna stop touring, playing shows, and having a generally wonderful time with all of you.
See you in your town soon!
Now, while an explosive departure of the napalm variety would have been preferable, we here at Buddyhead are in mutual agreement that one less fork in the dick of Rock & Roll is for the best.
But just so we have this straight…you homos could’ve had one less fat ass on stage THIS ENTIRE TIME? Really? It’s 2009, the music industry is dying, and Attack Attack! have been funneling thousands of dollars worth of calories into the feedbag of a dick whistler whose keyboard can PLAY ITSELF?
This sort of mindless, recessionary waste makes us hope terrorists from a starving country behead the remaining crabs with butter knives covered in fire ants.
And fuck, dorks. If you’re still in enough denial to keep on with this garbage, why not just “backtrack” ALL of your diarrhea onto a fucking iPod? No way do the stage hands like mopping up all the liquefied Crisco that comes streaming out of your pores during those bunny hops. Why not let idiot parents pay for their idiot kids to go watch your iPod live? That way you wouldn’t have to limit your food breaks to three per set.
At any rate, we’d like to extend our deepest condolences to ex-crab Nick Barham. Given that your fat ass probably broke the rock on the way to the bottom, we have no fucking idea how low you must feel right now. We’re sure It’s a bummer, Nicky.
And the next couple of years are going to be rough, kiddo. Every time you squat for a dump, all of that hot, middle school gash you mangled is gonna flash before your eyes.
But those 13-year-old bitches didn’t like you for you anyway, mah crab.
So just know, Nick, that there’s a whole new world out there for you now. It’s alive with slimfast, GEDs, Rolling Stones records, a fast food industry that’s still hiring, and genuine opportunities to reform into an actual person. We just hope you don’t fuck up your clean slate by concocting something gayer to do.
Unfortunately, after watching Nick’s now classic interview below, we can’t put anything past him.