WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? Attack Attack! Singer Quits!

broken claw

Attack Attack! is now 0-2 for fat, retarded singers. We’re stoked.

Looks like Pilsbury finally snapped out of it and walked out of the mall and into the sunset. Here’s team crab-core’s official statement:

Why hello boys and girls!

Thought we’d throw you all a quick little update about what’s currently going on in the AA! lineup. The band and Nick parted ways recently in a mutually agreed non-explosive fashion, which we all believe is the best for both sides.

Caleb is going to retire his keys and start screaming in the front of the band. We DO NOT have a new person in our band. Don’t worry, our music will still be full of Caleb’s programming, keys, and all the good things he concocts. It will just be back-tracked live with the 808 samples and other nonsense on my iPod.

Anyways, we’re not gonna stop touring, playing shows, and having a generally wonderful time with all of you.

See you in your town soon!

Now, while an explosive departure of the napalm variety would have been preferable, we here at Buddyhead are in mutual agreement that one less fork in the dick of Rock & Roll is for the best.

But just so we have this straight…you homos could’ve had one less fat ass on stage THIS ENTIRE TIME? Really? It’s 2009, the music industry is dying, and Attack Attack! have been funneling thousands of dollars worth of calories into the feedbag of a dick whistler whose keyboard can PLAY ITSELF?

This sort of mindless, recessionary waste makes us hope terrorists from a starving country behead the remaining crabs with butter knives covered in fire ants.

And fuck, dorks. If you’re still in enough denial to keep on with this garbage, why not just “backtrack” ALL of your diarrhea onto a fucking iPod? No way do the stage hands like mopping up all the liquefied Crisco that comes streaming out of your pores during those bunny hops. Why not let idiot parents pay for their idiot kids to go watch your iPod live? That way you wouldn’t have to limit your food breaks to three per set.

At any rate, we’d like to extend our deepest condolences to ex-crab Nick Barham. Given that your fat ass probably broke the rock on the way to the bottom, we have no fucking idea how low you must feel right now. We’re sure It’s a bummer, Nicky.

And the next couple of years are going to be rough, kiddo. Every time you squat for a dump, all of that hot, middle school gash you mangled is gonna flash before your eyes.

But those 13-year-old bitches didn’t like you for you anyway, mah crab.

So just know, Nick, that there’s a whole new world out there for you now. It’s alive with slimfast, GEDs, Rolling Stones records, a fast food industry that’s still hiring, and genuine opportunities to reform into an actual person. We just hope you don’t fuck up your clean slate by concocting something gayer to do.

Unfortunately, after watching Nick’s now classic interview below, we can’t put anything past him.

Attack Attack Interview HARDTIMES.CA

HARDTIMES.CA | MySpace Video

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Jonas

HAHAHAHAHA
Con

HOORAH!
Now if only the other 5 fuckwads would quit and go back to school…
Snatch McFunk

NUKED AND NUKED, BOI
Victoria

This is the crab core band right?
fallenempire

Isn’t the keyboard player the fattest one in the band? When is Hodalgo gonna weigh in on this? That’s what I’m waiting to see.
commodore sixty four

“see you in your town soon” thats sounds like a threat,plus you know that this nick character is going to start his own crabcore band one where he has total creative control i cant wait!
crabby patty

Best line: “what do you mean”?
yes no

Is he being interviewed by Jimmy from South Park? Fuck. I like how the dude says “Dichotomy”. Thank the powers that be this fuckin’ fat retard is out of the crab game.
Jack

“mah crab” so good.
johndoval

Goddamn, unleashed a fury you did.
tim k.

yeah, where is mah crab Hodalgo on this topic?
http://www.xvanx.com essa

hahahh
so what do you think changed in the past 3 YEARS youve been touring?

hmmm colors on tshirts
jimbo jones

i wish youth culture still meant something. since the birth of the “teenager” in the 50′s, its never meant less to wider culture than now. yet, all media in all its forms vomit various rarified bullshit like AA all the time. whats sad is that teenagers are so in need of sincerity and angst that they are blind to the glaring holes in their filtering.
i was the same in a way. i loved maiden when i was 8 but then gnr when i was 11. then korn for a year when i was 15. i was snatched back from an eternity of bewildered taste when fugazi stepped in to shoo the ghosts away. oh god! please save our youth from souless tripe.
Panda Knife Fight

I love how Buddyhead has become the up to the minute news source for everything Attack Attack related.
http://eatthiscity.com Jasper

You guys kind of got this wrong.

Nick, the fat screamer kid in AA!, left the band.

He is being replaced by Caleb, the fat kid who used to play keys. Now Fat Caleb will scream/bark like Fat Nick used to, while Fat Caleb’s keyboard plays itself.

So they got rid of one fatty, but promoted the other.

Crabcore For Life, bitches.
sky

that interview was terrible. i’d rather listen to fat mike talk crap about anything than that tripe…
-P

Now, at last, he will have the time to work on interpreting the acoustic works of Attack Attack for the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
http://www.myspace.com/465469993 buzzoven

maybe Noel and Nick will get together now and suck each other off in order to commence their solo careers.
Austin

no one should have left. i’m pissed. i saw them with miss may i, and they were good. but with nick, i think they would be better. you should listen to the difference
http://www.myspace.com/amberwantsheartbeatmusic Amber

haha your funny boy.
ok first off they will never be good until they pop a led zep album on 20 times and have an Opiphany.
if even.

and like buddyhead always says “you cant shine a turd man.”
Austin

Seriously though, I dont understand how their lyrics can be SO christian if they don’t want to be labeled as a christian band.

“My Savior’s in sight.
I will wait for you to understand,
I will take your hand,
my god is ever true.”

Wtf?
derek

who died and made you king of music? huh? freaking screw you. Attack Attack is AWESOME! band members quit all the time. everyone has a different reason. so what if the singer leaves? its not the demise of the band. Attack Attack! is still going strong. and the keys won’t “play themselves” they’ll put it in as a back track. look stuff up before you go around talking crap. and you know what? a lot of people love this kind of music. who are to say what sucks & what doesn’t?! you have no clue what you are talking about. this article is the worst ever. journalists are sussposed to know thier subject. and cleary you don’t!!!
chase.

Attack Attack! is a good band, drerek. God these people need to hire new journalists before they become shunned. AA! has an awesome lineup. Just because they aren’t all skin and bones doesn’t mean they don’t have a sick album! They have brought a new spin to hardcore music, and if buddyhead can’t deal with that, then they shouldn’t even exist. I know one thing’s for sure: I will NEVER waste my time looking at this P.O.S. again!

P.S.:
Amber and Austin can fuck off.
Colin

This article is basically the standard drivel by a sorry excuse for a journalist who feels insecure at the fact that the members of Attack Attack! have enjoyed success in doing what they love in life – writing and performing great music – while he is left to spout his bitter rant from behind his computer screen. Attack Attack! is a great band and, if Sexual Man Chocolate is anything to go by, their new album should be awesome.
QQ

That was hysterical
Little King Hunter

I don’t know how anyone could sit through over seven minutes of THAT interview, I had to stop after two.

“whadda u mean?” ugh, what a moron.

Funny ass article though, Buddyhead wins!
jason

Attack Attack is not very good. However, this article is much worse than having to listen to them. Honestly, this is the fifth Chip Norman article I’ve read that is a piece of shit. I’ll keep reading posts on Buddyhead, but I’ll also avoid anything by Chip Norman, considering he’s a failure of a writer and needs to shut the fuck up.
TIM

Attack Attack is a good band but thank God this fat fuck left the band i feel dumber after having listened to this ridiculous moron talk about tee shirt colors and cigarettes. I don’t think he understood one question he was asked. Go back to school dude.
Danielle

Listen all of you fuck heads who hate attack attack can suck my 10 inch dick. They are still good. And they’re gonna get better just watch AA make it in to the rock history. So fuck you haters go fuck your self.
Bunge

Post above this. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
C

You fucking swoopy-haired mongoloids are hilarious. Don’t ever stop throwing gay techno-metal parties in your mom’s basement and missing the punchline to every joke just because it’s YOU.
derek

hey C, first off i d o not have my hair swooped. i am not an emo kid. i love attack attack. and they’ve kinda of gotten rid of the techno stuff in their new Cd. and i don’t throw parties in my mother’s basement, i go to actual concerts & throw down!!!
JC

They lost me at keyboard player.
Amber

ohh jeez derek.
Have fun with your “throw down”
Adam

This is possibly the worst piece of shit review I’ve ever read. Attack! Attack! is a great band with tons of devoted fans, and just because you have other opinions doesn’t mean that you’re god. The whole point of being a reporter is to have an open mind to everything and give the truth, not opinion. Basically, it seems to me that “buddyhead” is a second-rate record company without a single notable band and a ton of fake “reporters”
haw

the kids saying Attack Attack are amazing, are going to be very embarrassed when they are older. like how their parents are embarrassed for them now.
ryan

sir you're the most ignorant person ever
Frank

"But just so we have this straight…you homos could’ve had one less fat ass on stage THIS ENTIRE TIME? Really? It’s 2009, the music industry is dying, and Attack Attack! have been funneling thousands of dollars worth of calories into the feedbag of a dick whistler whose keyboard can PLAY ITSELF?"

This is the funniest shit I have ever heard!
And yeah bud, the whole keys-on-stage is a scene bitch gimmick. Works every time
paczsubgcurcorp

NICE.
tingrangthornni

nice nice..