Gossip #130: The Mayor of Pink Town, Captain Panty-Sniffer and finally a Crabcore-pedal AKA Turn-Up-The-Suck-pedal!

We’ve got couple things to get out of the way here before we launch into the only part of this site you people seem to care about…. new euphemisms for dick, pussy and faggot. We might not know a lot of things, but we sure know how to party! So we’re sticking with what we know and throwing not just one, but TWO, Halloween parties this year! We’re bi-coastal bitches! So no matter what coast your fat-ass ends up on this Hallows Eve, you’ll be able to get down with our sound!

First off, we’re throwing a Halloween party with our friends from Fuck Yeah Fest in our lovely home city of Los Angeles on Thursday (October 29th, 2009) with Night Marchers (ex-Hot Snakes/ex-Rocket From The Crypt), Jail Weddings & Night Horse. Buy tickets Link: http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=2306204

And then the next night for all you East Coast heads, we’re also throwing a Halloween party in Washington DC on Friday (October 30th, 2009) with Caverns, The Office of Future Plans (J. Robbins of Jawbox) & Imperial China. Either way you can’t lose! Yes, Stevie Wonder designed the East Coast flyer. Buy tickets link: http://www.ticketalternative.com/Events/7415.aspx

Buy your tickets now, these shows will sell out!

While we’re on our favorite subject (you giving us money), we wanna make sure you didn’t miss it the first 50 times we said it…. Our new Buddyhead Online Merch Store is now open @ http://www.buddyhead.com/store! Go buy some shit so we can update this site ten times as much as we do now, not have to sell our valuable sperm (or eggs in Rahawa’s case) and continue to entertain you short-busers while you pretend to do stuff at work. Use coupon code FREDDURST and get 20% off anything in the Buddyhead store – good until Monday October 26th, 2009. Once you loyal readers buy up all that merch, we’ve got a ton of new designs that’ll be for sale. All merch is limited to 100 pieces, so once it’s gone… IT’S GONE! Can you say CO-LLECT-IBLE?

So back to us… While we’re yanking our own chain we’d also like to announce our newest alliance with Showlist LA. Together we will be bringing you a listing of all the shows in Los Angeles @ http://www.buddyhead.com/showlist. How fucking rad is that? If you are stuck living in Nebrahoma, don’t freak out cuz the list is going to go national really soon. If you wanna help out with the list in your area, email em at [email protected] with “BUDDYHEAD SENT ME, BITCH-TITS!” in the subject so they know you’re one of the crazies that reads this port-a-potty of a music site.

It’s so great when this shit writes itself! That German Nu-Metal band, Rammstein, who happen to be responsible for the audio-aids known as “Du Hast” have announced they’re releasing a “unique boxset version” of their new album “Liebe Ist Für Alle Da” (German to English translation: Lube Is For Your Ass!”) complete with a metal flight case so that you can’t destroy the cd inside, five extra tracks that weren’t “good enough” for the record, industrial strength handcuffs (to make sure people listen to the whole record), lubricant and… this is where the punch-line comes in… six pink dildos that reflect the sizes of the six members’ wienerwursts. Now for the first time ever Rammstein have succeeded in simultaneously raping their fans ears and asses! Kudos dudes, you’ve really reinvented the game of sucking!

The Mayor of Pink Town (population: The Pitchfork Writing staff, etc), Sufjan Stevens, wrote a “multimedia piece” called “The BQE”, which is apparently some road that New Dorkers use when they’re in a hurry to get from a shitty part of the city to an even shittier part of the city. This dork’s music is seriously the antidote to Viagra. We’re still waiting for another “State” record malorkus, cause by our count you have 48 more albums to go before the tourism industry is officially dead.

David Gahan and Depeche Mode are STILL GOING OFF REALLY HARD! This past week, Depeche Mode was slaying tang in Peru and David was so snow-blinded by the end of the show that he said “Thank you very much, Chile!” And in case you need a current events update, people in Peru are about as cool with people from Chile as Jeff Wood is down with some sprocket dude in a mesh-shirt rubbing up against him while singing “Personal Jesus”. Yep, people were FUCKING PISSED! The Depeche Mode dudes may look like they ride biker bears in the reverse-cowgirl position, but they are actually huge fans of massive amounts of cocaine, caking gallons of glitter on their faces, and lots of weird and different pussies…you thought that last one was gonna be DONGS, huh? Well, we’ve hypothesized that these dudes are mixing their rock-stardom with reverse psychology to merge Voltron-style into a massive pussy magnet that delivers college chicks, cougars and the occasional Craigslist lurking bi-couple. We salute them, most of the time.

Moby is so bummed people don’t give a fuck about his crappy, watered down techno music anymore that he’s actually stopped blogging and done something about it. Homeboy played three southern California shows last week (October 12th – 15th) and donated all the money to “domestic abuse groups”. Our little bald panty-sniffing friend says he’s doing all this to help California’s budget cuts made by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah right dude, you live in New York and you’re using domestic abuse so you can get famous again and abuse more ears with your knob polishing theme songs. NO ONE’S BUYING YOUR SCHTICK A SECOND TIME, DUDE!

MGMT apparently decided to call their new album “Congratulations”. We think you should have called it “Sonic Vasectomy” instead, dudes.

A man was arrested at Kiss‘ TD Garden show on October 5th after urinating on the concertgoer standing in front of him. A woman was watching Kiss suck when suddenly she experienced “a warm feeling on the back of her leg.” Security was called over and the guilty party was quickly escorted away and detained until the police arrived. Chris Morris of Boston was charged with open and gross lewdness and disorderly conduct. To no one’s surprise, the blotter adds that Morris was “highly intoxicated,” slurring his speech while the thick musk of alcohol “emanated” from him. This incident happened at 10:06 p.m., so considering Kiss are playing Alive! in its near entirety this tour, Morris was likely booted before the band performed “100,000 Years,” which everyone knows would have served as the perfect bathroom break with its extra-long drum solo. The part we can’t figure out is how she noticed the dude pissing on her leg when there was a whole band of 50-year-old mongoloids pissing in her ears the whole night.

Someone unfortunately brought this band called Scatterheart to our attention and we checked out the video for their song “Beautiful” which is “all one shot and uses no special effects”. We’re pretty sure that getting the singer dude with the massive, feathered shoulder pads to stop singing Cher songs should be considered a special effect.

Fall Out Boy are going to release of an 18-track greatest-hits package next month. We’re confused about what band or bands these 18 songs will be by, cause “greatest” and “Fall Out Boy” could not possibly occupy the same sentence. We also heard the drummer’s girlfriend likes to inhale “kosher dogs” while he’s on tour. We have our sources.

Fuck Wyclef Jean. Bone smoker is writing a memoir… and by “writing” we mean he’s gonna sit on his couch smoking weed, spitting up lyrics to “Wyclef for President 2″ while some geek from Rolling Stone types out a 300 page blow job to him. We’re gonna go ahead and give everyone the abridged version: Haitian dude gets famous covering a Roberta Flack song a la Puff Daddy, repeats this formula on solo record, appears on seemingly every single hip hop song for a while until people realize he’s not that rad, everyone stops caring. Dude once said he’s the “Hip Hop Amadeus”. You’re more like the “Hip Hop Falco” dork!

Lady Gaga thinks she’s like some kind of albino Malcom X or some shit. She called speaking at a gay pride rally, “the most important moment of her career”. And most likely because, judging by her skin tone, this is the first time she’s seen the sun since the Clinton administration. It’s called bronzer, Nosferatu. Get into it, bitch.

The wife of Aerosmith guitarist/dude who doesn’t own a shirt Joe Perry has never listened to the entirety of any Aerosmith album. She wrote on her Twitter page:

“I am not a fan of AEROSMITH’s music without the live performance behind it. Honestly I have never listened to one CD all the way through.”

We hope you’re getting some killer side-ass Joey, cause your old lady is mondo ungrateful considering how many cans of Aqua-net and cheetah-spandex bodysuits you’ve bought her over the years.

Julian Casablancas has described The Strokes’ new material as sounding like Thin Lizzy meets A-Ha. We’re pretty sure that’s accurate only in the sense that it will sound like music no one gives a shit about anymore.

If you get someone pregnant, you could end up with a Dream-Killer like this! Hey man, it’s the gamble you make when you let “Sex-Poop” happen.

Rock N’ Roll just died a little more….Garret Ecstasy, the knob-gobbler who got kicked outta that shitty emo disco band called Blood On The Dance Floor, now has a youtube tutorial for dudes wanting to know how to strip when Brokencyde plays in a gay bar!

Radiohead say they will still keep making albums. Buddyhead would like to announce we’ll keep sleeping through them.

Those Swedes in Division Of Laura Lee had a drumset they bought in the USA when they were on Epitaph in the early 2000s get jacked! That’s what you commies get for coming to our country! So long story short their drumset suddenly showed up in that I Set My Friends On Fire music video we put in the last gossip. I Set My Friends On Fire are on Epitaph. Now you do the math! You dudes got JACKED by some DORKS!

Elvis Presley would have been 75 years old and still touring Vegas this December 8th if he hadn’t eaten more pills than Michael Jackson did. Elvis was the King of GOING OFF!

We’re not really fucking sure how you can be a 33-year-old “dude” and still be considered to be in a “boy band”, but Stephen Gately (twinkie in the front/center), who was a member of some “boy band” called Boyzone (dead give-away), died this weekend while on vacation in Majorca, Spain. Stevie “shook up the pop world” ten years ago when he announced he was gay and his cause of death is yet unknown. His “bandmates” Ronan Keating, Keith Duffy, Mikey Graham and Shane Lynch said in a statement:

“We are completely devastated by the loss of our friend and brother, Stephen. We have shared such wonderful times together over the years and were all looking forward to sharing many more. Stephen was a beautiful person in both body and spirit. He lit up our lives and those of the many friends he had all over the world. Our love and sympathy go out to Andrew and Stephen’s family. We will love you and will miss you forever, ‘Steo’.”

Well, just like we don’t wax our chests or hang out at bars called “The Back Door”, we have no fucking clue who any of these fruitcakes are. Even if you got medieval on our asses and held our nutsacks on a hot stove, we still couldn’t name any of their songs! Well, except this one:

Word on the street says Goldenvoice is offering Spacemen 3 a cool $500,000 to reform for Coachella in 2010. It’s no surprise that everyone but Jason Pierce said “FUCKYEAHWOOOOO!” faster than Steve Aoki says “HI!!!” to anyone famous.

Mr Chi City is back with a new video. This time our favorite youtube star goes to a porn convention. Chi City wins again!

Hey dude, does your band not suck enough? Like you’ve got the shitty tattoos, you’re head-banging while squatting, you’ve dyed and feathered your hair, you hired the tubby keyboard player, and even got the cookie monster screams and the autotuned vocals down, but for whatever reason you’re just not sucking bad enough for inbred, underage dick pigs to want to blow you behind a Burger King dumpster. We know what you’re missing:

Voila!

Best comment below gets a free T-shirt sent to them from the Buddyhead Online Merch Store. Contest ends on October 26th, 2009. GO!

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