Gossip #125

NOEL WINS AGAIN! That’s right, the biggest news in our world happened last week on August 28th, when a fight broke out between the Gallagher brothers over who’s teeth were more yellow in a Paris backstage which ended with Liam breaking Noel’s guitar. Yeah, well we want to fight people when we’re in Paris too, it’s called DEODORANT you frogs, get civilized you fuckin’ savages. Anyways, the whole guitar smashing business pushed Noel’s buttons in the wrong way it seems cuz homeboy said he’s walking out of Liam’s life! TORCHED! Shortly after that, it was announced that Noel was leaving Oasis,  their concert at the Rock-en-Seine festival was cancelled along with the three days of their European tour and apparently the group “does not exist anymore”. Even Hitler is BUMMED! Either way, we’re on Team Noel.

But we here at Buddyhead ask you to not freak out, we’re sure they’ll make up one day. This isn’t the first time Noel has quit, plus they’re fuckin’ blood. Just listen to what their moms, Peggy Gallagher had to say in a recent interview with The Mirror: “I’m convinced the band will re-unite because they do love each other very much, but they’ve always been very different. The funny thing is, they didn’t fight as children. They didn’t fight until they started the band. I hope this isn’t the end of Oasis. I don’t think it is. They’re just tired at the end of the tour. They’ve had fights before and got over it.”

Our advice to Noel is that in the meantime, since you’re used to fuckin’ around with dudes who can’t really sing in key, waddle when they walk, dress retarded and have goofy short helmet haircuts, then you might as well go to the source and give Ian Brown a call. We know John Squire isn’t gonna save Mani from a life of progressively worse Primal Scream records, Ian from a life of progressively bizarre solo albums and Reni from a life of wearing bucket hats. Call up those three and lock ‘em down, champ!

Speaking of limey’s quitting, we’re pretty sure The Verve broke up again (Hitler’s ladyfriends don’t know what they’re talking about), cuz guitarist Nick McCabe and bass player Simon Jones have started a new band called The Black Ships. It’s basically an instrumental Verve-sounding band. Hopefully this doesn’t mean “Green-light on the next shitty Richard Ashcroft record.”  NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SOLO, DICKY!

The Doody family hope to raise profile of faggots

While we’re on the topic of British weirdos… check out this REAL news story titled “Family of faggots fly the flag”. We shit you not… “The Doody family from Wolverhampton has been crowned The Faggot Family in a national competition, and to kick off their reign they will launch National Faggot Week.” We couldn’t write shit this good! Yes that is the Doody family above and yes they love faggots! We know a few people in this country we’d like to crown “The Faggot Family” as well. Click HERE.

Speaking of bundles of sticks, Bloc Party singer Kele Okereke called Noel and Liam Gallagher “inbred twins” after announcing live on stage at Rock en Seine that Oasis had cancelled. Hey Bloc Party guy, last time we checked your head is about five times the size of a normal human’s and you’re in a  disco band… you’re not really in a position to make fun of anyone except your boy Steve Aoki.

Yep that was Steve Aoki letting his ego embarrass himself once again in that youtube clip. Dude is actually going to be putting out an album of some of the most generic and mind-numbing house music you’ve ever heard in 2010. But for those of you who can’t wait to see just how bad it’s gonna suck you can watch the video above for his single “I’m In The House” right this second! Even the rapper in the video is wearing a mask… we don’t fuckin’ blame you dude! We’d wear a mask too. Get money, get paid! Just don’t get caught standing next to Steve Aoki in a video.

Slayer took a break from braiding their goatees and have finished their 10th studio album. They’re calling it “World Painted Blood” and it’ll be released on Tuesday, November 3 in North America, and on Monday, November 2 to the rest of the world. We liked that record the first time we heard it 20 years ago when it was called “South Of Heaven”. Either way, dudes who drink Jager and get massive tattoos on their heads are AMPED! If you’re one of those dudes, check out their new website at www.slayer.net.

Speaking of Jager… HELL YEAH!

SUPRISE! Macaulay Culkin  (yeah the kid from Home Alone), is supposedly the biological father of Michael Jackson’s child, “Blanket”. We thought it was crazy that homeboy was up in Mila Kunis’ wizard sleeve, but this news of him lending The King Of Poppin’ Pills some jizz really blows our minds. We smell a Home Alone 4 in the making once Blanket gets old enough! Either way, we just wanna run into Macaulay and get him to do the hands on his face thing he does!

The lead singer of Fall Out Girl was arrested the other day. We’re not sure what’s more embarrassing for you slick, the mugshot that brutally displays your thinning hair (I guess those dorky hats you are always wearing ARE a good idea dude) or the fact that you were arrested on a bench warrant for DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE. Only one of the man-sized vaginas from Fall Out Boy would make news for something so lame. Get a heroin addiction dude, you might write better songs or better yet… OD!

While we’re on the subject of Fall Out Girls, check out Pete Wentz’  “pants tech”. Yo dude, we’ve got one of those too…’ cept we call it A BELT! Invest in one, clown.

Speaking of “savory ducks”, our favorite drama queen Patrick Wolf has lost his “Vulture Cape”! Homeboy posted the following on his myspace page:

“Patrick’s cape sadly went missing over the festival season – it was last spotted at Underage Festival… Team Wolf are offering a cash reward for anyone who can locate it and get it back to us safely and in one piece. Please message us at the Myspace account if you have any information about the cape’s location. No jokes about it flying off, please ’
Love,
Team Wolf x

Well we here at “Team Head” (don’t get any ideas Patrick) will outbid whatever Patrick is gonna give you. Whoever stole this cape is not only a champion but also a future rich man. Email us at [email protected] with picture proof that you have this retarded costume and we’ll negotiate our trade.

One of Ozzy’s tubby fuck trophies, Kelly (although considering how ugly and untalented she it, that thing is more like a fuck penalty) is intentionally going to embaress herself (again) on national television by being on that Dancing with the Stars show. By the way, Casper Adams works on that show in production… we SHIT you not. Twenty bucks says Casper and Kelly blow rails in the bathroom pre-show, or Casper hoovers it while Kelly sprinkles it on the jelly doughnuts required by her contract. Why can’t rich people just be rich in private? Oh well, I guess someone has to entertain people who sit in front of TV’s still. We think that Kelly on Dancing With The Stars is gonna look a little something like this: retarded dancer vid HERE.

What the fuck is wrong with Chris Cornell? Now the former grunge god, and current douche nozzle, has entered a “unique partnership with Virgin American Airlines”. What the fuck is that, you ask? Well basically starting in October (and running through the holidays), the entire Virgin American Airline fleet will feature Chris Cornell on all in-flight programming. Yeah, if you fly Virgin American you will get to hear Chris’ latest audio-rrhea “Scream” as you are boarding and “get to” select from various Chris Cornell music videos and albums if you’d like to poison your ears/eyes during your flight. Hey terrorists, can you dudes fly this whole fleet of Chris Cornell loaded planes into something please? Maybe the Warped Tour?

AFI have a new album of songs that Hot Topic can license to play in their stores. Someone tried to tell us recently Davy Havok might be gay and we were all like “pshhh, get out of town!”. Who wants to bet that dude goes to the Midnight screening of “Twilight: New Moon” and really “relates” to it? Davey Poo had this to say about AFI’s new album and his make up: “I am so proud of this record. I really believe it’s the best AFI record. It honestly feels like we’ve made our first truly timeless record. We didn’t set out to do that–you can’t set out to do something like that–but it definitely feels like that’s what we’ve achieved: created the album by which we’ll be remembered”
Dude, the only thing you guys are gonna be remembered for is being Hot Topic DORKS!

Foo Fighters are putting out a “best of” record. That’s sort of like a toilet firing your biggest turds back at you. We’ll pass and wait for that Them Crooked Vultures album.

McRib is back.

Apparently Seth Rogen was so stoned during his performance on Saturday Night Live a few months ago that Phoenix had to perform three fucking songs because Tons of Fun couldn’t come out to do his last skit. Most bands only perform two… Oh, and most bands don’t suck as hard as Phoenix does.

The singer of Pennywise quit after 21 years of making shitty Warped Tour punk rock to focus on making his book, “Punk Rock Dad: No Rules, Just Real Life” into a movie and to shit out a solo record. And yes, Pennywise are gonna continue on with a new “unnamed” singer. Fuck, the shit is spreading… Hey Pennywise, why don’t you posers get a real punk rocker to sing for your band… Mr. Jeff Wood of SHAT. In fact he’s already got over 200 Shat songs written… you could scrap all your jock rock tunes and play some shit that matters. Like “Tit-Fuck.”

Justin Sane from that snore-fest Anti-Flag apparently has a girlfriend that is 22 years old back in Pittsburgh even though he’s on the business end of his 30′s, about to crash into 40 hard. This surprises us as we previously thought that dude was about as straight as the streets of San Francisco. Anyways, despite having a coat rack of his own, when Anti-Flag played the Pukkelpop festival, in a clear effort to come to terms with like 15 years being in a shitty political pop punk band no one gives a fuck about, homeboy got fucked up and tried to chester on the guitar player for Gallows’ trim. Said chick then tells her boyfriend that some old balls with stupid hair was trying to flick her bean and Presto! We have a shitty band feud on our hands (http://twitter.com/StephenGallows)! Someone call up Scott Stapp and the dorks from 311 and tell them we just found a match for the under-card.

Ever wonder where Kid from Kid N’ Play was at? Buddyhead is here to fill you in:

By the way, when we said we needed some reader participation at the top of Gossip #124, we were serious. You slackers haven’t sent us shit! Email all phone numbers, juicy stories and anything that could end up here on next week’s Gossip to [email protected]. If you can help us out like that, maybe we’ll be on time with this shit next week. Our excuse for being late this week is that it was hotter here in LA than the thighs of Fucked Up’s singer when he tries to run. And the hills are on fucking fire. Check this shit out yo!

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