Well, we learned two things about Alison from The Kills/Dead Weather this week. One, chick likes to use CAPSLOCK ala Jeff Wood (the singer of SHAT) style when she types on the interweb. Two, she is totally embarrassed we outed her ass and now everyone knows she wears granny bras. No one cares that you know Jack White honey, the only thing people are talking about are these granny flower bras you’re rockin’. Old Alison responded to us selling her undergarment on Ebay by hunt and pecking a message out on her her website that appears to be written in “Caveman” lingo, decode this shit into English:
“TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2009
ALISON’S BRA SOLD ON EBAY. SCAM. YOU LOSE. I LAUGH AT YOU.
FOR THE EBAY WINNER WHO WON MY SUPPOSED BRA, BLUE WITH FLOWERS ON….GUESS WHAT?! ONE OF YOU’S A HUSTLER AND ONE OF YOU’S A CREEP.
YOU’VE BEEN RIPPED OFF 223$! PLUS SHIPPING. CONGRATS! THE DUDE THAT SOLD IT TO YOU LIED TO YOU. SOMEONE IN THE CROWD THREW THAT THING AT ME AND I PROMPTLY KICKED IT BACK OFF THE STAGE. THING BELONGS IN THE TRASH AND IS OBVIOUSLY WORTHLESS, UNLESS YOU NEED A BRA. AND MAYBE YOU DO. SEND THAT HUSTLER HIS DIRTY BRA BACK. GET YOUR CASH BACK CREEP… AND BUY SOME RECORDS OR SOMETHING…. – ALISON MOSSHART”
First off sister, that IS your bra mama. Sorry you didn’t wear the sexy one the night you decided to throw it into the crowd babe. Bum-deal, but that’s a YP (your problem), don’t start projecting on us! Secondly, yes we are hustlers. Ho’s gotta eat and life ain’t shit but bitches and money! BUT one thing we aren’t are liars, so you better just deal with the fact that everyone knows you wear Grandma bras. Just like everyone knows you were once the chubby girl in a sXe pop punk band from Florida. Check and mate.
So we decided we need to have a sit down with Jeff Wood to get him to release an e.p. of Bat For Lashes covers called “Shat for Gashes”. It’ll be huge with the “PitchDORK crowd”. If any of you ladies catch him trying to follow you into the dressing room at Victoria’s Secret, tell him he’s got to get on this, pronto. The label awaits the hits!
Fruitcake icon, Patrick Wolf, flipped out at some shitbox German festival cuz the crew didn’t put enough suck in his monitor. Watch the video below if you wanna see a grown man dressed like a Sesame Street character acting like a 4 year old who throws mic stands like a girl would. The highlight of the video is when this tosser tells his crowd to “cause a riot”. Yeah man, the odds of your crowd rioting is about as likely as anyone attending a Kid Rock show being able to complete simple arithmetic.
Someone finally figured out what Attack Attack! is good for (aside from making whatever the lamest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life seem way, way less bad) – TARGET PRACTICE. Air strike bitch! If you can somehow prove you were the American hero who tagged that fruit-cup, we’ll probably send you a shirt or something. We need video evidence, but we’re down to bargain on your prize cuz you did one noble thing. That said though, we here at the ‘head don’t necessarily condone violence, so don’t go to a show hitting these fruit cups with anything that will aggravate the brain damage they were born with anymore… it’s way better if you just DON’T GO at all. Get allergic to crabcore.
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Arrest warrant issued for Bobby Brown. BOBBY GOES OFF.
A Norfolk judge issued the warrant when the former husband of Whitney Houston (yep he’s being identified as a more famous person’s ex) failed to appear in court to answer charges of failing to pay child support to his ex-girlfriend Kim Ward. Brown, 40, is supposed be paying $5,500 in child support for his two teenage children, and has fallen $45,000 behind. Who wants to take bets on which nostril that $45,000 was hoovered into?
How rad are these photos of our friends, Bryan Brown and Jane, with Bobby Fuckin’ Brown?!?? Yes, that is blood in his nose. Hey man, it’s his prerogative. Dude is to be placed under arrest if he sets foot in the state. Well you’ve got one thing going for you Bobby, all you got to do to stay out of jail is not go to Virginia… everyone should be practicing that anyways. Stay the fuck outta Virginia! But, you better call up Bell Biv and Devoe and pump those dudes for cash dude, your kids gotta eat. Did royalties from the Ghostbusters 2 theme song dry up? Now that shit was HOT!
The cops can’t find Bobby Brown but they arrested Bob Dylan for walking in the rain alone. Cops didn’t recognize Bob Dylan, cuz he’s not famous or anything… Good move PIGLETS!
We heard Marilyn Manson is back in town, so I guess this is where we pretend to be scared he’s gonna get really high and blog about us on Myspace again. Ohhh shit, it’s Halloween in August! Someone emailed us to tell us that they spotted him at The Whiskey Bar last night slobbing back drinks and sporting a trucker hat. They also said we were right about the pot-belly and he was looking about 9 months pregnant. When are you gonna pop Brian? When’s the Antichrist due dude? And yeah dude, we wanna see some nude photos… we need something to make us feel better about our own bodies.
If you were hoping you wouldn’t see jailbait with rainbow colored hair outside of your normal porn site surfing, we’ve got sad news: Paramore announced they’re releasing a new album. We’re hoping Charles Manson gets a release date and hit list to correspond with this event. Let’s get some slippies on the case.
The singer of that failed major label disco band IMAROBOT put away his neon clothes and grew out his uneven new wave haircut and switched to jacking Devendra’s vibe hardcore. Now he looks like a budget cult leader and is fronting an equally crap band, Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeros. Dude, I wish my parents invented air or something and were super fuckin’ rich too so I could pay my friends to film me running through the desert shirtless with paint all over me. I’d call that art too. Dude your video says it’s part 1 of 12? Why don’t you save everyone some embarrassment and slim that down to part 1 of 1 broseph. You already tried this once, so it’s either keep on going or tap out! We vote tap out! Wanna hang up this cult shit and just invest in a struggling independent label? You’ll still get chicks dude…
Plus no one’s drinking your kool aid anyhow cuz you were this guy before:
That band Brand New is still trying to make it happen. Sorry dudes, we still remember when you sounded like New Found Glory with a dash of Midtown. Shit doesn’t “mature”, it just stinks worse. Get jobs.
Randy from No Age pulled a Steven Tyler and fell off the stage, dislocated his shoulder. Considering the music they play, that really shouldn’t be an obstacle for him at all so our money is on homeboy staying in the game. Randy likes Oasis about as much as we do, so he’s a good egg is our book. Yo dude, get those pills-a-poppin’ holmes, let’s party.
Weezer have announced that their next album is gonna be released on October 27 and they decided on the title “Raditude“. So let us get this straight, four grown ass men sat in a room and brainstormed on what to call their record, AND they settled on “Raditude”? How the fuck did that happen? Did they have a pack of fourth graders from the “special program” helping them out? At this point hearing that Weezer is dropping a new record is about as exciting as finding out the weird Uncle who molested you as a kid is gonna be attending the family reunion this year. We’re totally aware that for you kids who still read PitchDORK, you’re secretly hoping this is THE record. Well hate to burst your nerd-bubble but It’s not gonna be dude… move on! Nothing to see here!
Actors can’t rock. Coconut Records dude… sucks a big fatty. Come on Schwartzmanegger or whatever your name is, you sucked the first time when you played drums for that band that wrote O.C. theme song, there can’t really be that many people who liked Rushmore enough to be tricked into giving you another chance… right? Stick to acting slick, there’s more than enough trim in that game.
Hey Christian Hoard of Rolling Stone… you gave Kasabian 2 stars and Cobra Starship 3? Really? And they pay you to do that shit? DORK!
Buy tickets to Fuck Yeah Fest, go to http://www.fuckyeahfest.com/. AA Bondy bailed but Torche have been added cuz we rule. It’s gonna be a killer show.
