So Blink-182 are back together after they split four years ago and Rolling Stone is acting like the fuckin’ Beatles reformed. Guess Angels & Airwaves didn’t make the best record since “The Wall” by Pink Floyd like Tom DeLonge was blabbering about all jacked up on pills. Yeah, dude is now blaming all the nut-job claims he made on his massive addiction to painkillers that he can only describe as “insane.” Says DeLonge: “When Blink plays, there’s no difference between that and everyone getting a slow, awesome hand job.” Yeah, that’s pretty close, except take out “awesome,” switch “getting” to “giving” and “hand” to “rim,” and then add “to John Goodman.”
Never have we seen someone who looked more like a rockstar… this dude was just born with the looks to kill! No, this isn’t a photo of our weed dealer. And no, it’s not a picture of the employee of the month over at the video game store either. That weird looking dude above with pubes sprouting out everywhere is actually the singer of a band called Cockbleed and Cambria! And this mongoloid and his band are on tour with Heaven and Hell (that’s Sabbath, minus Ozzy, plus Dio for those of you who don’t play Magic: The Gathering). They should call that the “Hell and Hell” Tour. The biggest mindfuck about that tour is that the giant Ewok castrato that fronts Coheed is probably, at some point, going to put down the five-sided dice and have sex with an actual female human being if he hasn’t already designed a cyborg to take care of him in that department. She’ll probably look something like this:
HIT THAT SHIT!
Proof that Tommy Lee is the luckiest man alive and continues to fail upwards:
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Limp Bizkit is planning to start recording a new album of rape anthems in a couple of weeks. If you’re the type of dude who pre-ordered a copy of “The Transporter 3″ a month before it came out on DVD, yer gonna be on this shit like a bum on a cheeseburger. We really hope it’s the hotly anticipated follow-up to The Unquestionable Truth Part 1. Don’t leave us hanging, Freddy! We’re all dying to know what happens in Part 2, the goddamn suspense is killing us! We think “The Unquestionable Truth” is actually gonna pan out to be that more people will run out and get dick piercings in 2010 than will pay to hear this pile of shit. The jig is up! Sorry, but in exchange for all that money you dickheads made, you are and will forever be the jock-jammers who’s careers started with a fruitcake anthem (aka George Michael cover) and peaked when you tools incited those rapes at Woodstock 99. And it’s not gonna matter how many Smith or Joy Division shirts Fred Durst wears or how many different cool people he can trick into posing for a photograph with him. It’d be like Hitler trying to run for office again with a softer and hipper image this time around. Yeah, NO ONE is falling for that bullshit!
This photo bums us out on so many levels we don’t know where to start really. We’re sure you were like 40 beers deep when this went down Buzz and Fred crept up on you and caught your drunk ass by surprise… But, WHAT THE FUCK King Buzzo? Even if you weren’t actually golfing with this chode, did you have to pose for the photo? We vote guilty by association.
Courtney Love is bat shit crazy. FACT!
The band brave enough to name themselves after the phrase their own parents used to describe their music, All Time Low, is inexplicably selling records. If you’re bummed on life and are just looking for that one last reason to snuff your shit, go ahead and turn the oven on, blow out the pilot light and throw on their new acoustic performance.
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Have you guys heard of this Tinted Windows bullshit? Well, check out this video and you’ll wish you had a tinted computer screen to buffer some of the wackness shooting out. For those of you keeping score, that’s James Iha, the little girl that used to sing for Hanson, the drummer from Cheap Trick (Bun E. Carlos) and one of the dorks from that “Stacy’s Mom” band. And yes, these dudes actually think this is a real band! Joe Burns told us that he went to the show and the only thing he knows is the show was packed with weird chubby chicks who loved Hanson when they were 12 and that Bun E. Carlos blazes mad weed! Word is as soon as homeboy gets off stage it’s like Bob Marley Fest 2009 backstage! The first time this Tinted Windows video was inflicted on us, we kept getting the vibe the video was gonna swerve into interracial gay porn territory any second. The scary part is that this is the first single off the record. Can you imagine what the deep cuts sound like? We don’t want to know and would rather eat cereal out of a urinal or watch James Iha hit on chicks “creepy-style” than find out.
Ex-Queens of the Stoneager, Nick Oliveri, has a new cd coming out in October on MVD Audio called “Death Acoustic”. It’s the first solo record (unless you count Mondo Generator records) from “the crazy lookin’ naked bald dude with a goatee” who scared the shit out of you when you made eye contact. With song titles like “Start a Fight”, “U Blow” and “Unless I Can Kill” we’re gonna opt for no joke on this one. We don’t wanna run the risk of it being our last joke.
What kind of grown ass man calls himself Puffy? Or is it P Diddy now? Either way, that douche-bag “moshed” his way through a secret Arctic Monkeys’ show at the Highline Ballroom in New York this week. Or as he calls em… The Ardick Monkees. In other “insanely rich dickheads trying to look cool by showing up at a concert by some shitty flavor-of-the-month band they’ve probably never even listened to once in their life” news, Donald Trump and his hair made an appearance at Katy Perry’s show at the Hammerstein in New York the other night. You know you’re hot shit when the Donald actually takes time from his hectic schedule of getting blown by Norwegian supermodels in his helicopter to come hang out at your show for five minutes. Too bad he got there too late to check out the opening band, Cobra Starship. We’ve heard lots of great things about those guys!
Guns N’ Roses still haven’t re-formed with the original line-up. Slash wants to party with us.
Dave Mustaine is STILL crying about being kicked out of Metallica 20+ years ago. GET OVER IT DAVE! YER A FUCKIN’ MILLIONARE BRO! Now Dave is running around telling everyone who will listen that Scott Ian from Anthrax told him that back in the day Metallica was gonna fire Lars after the group finished touring in 1986 — but the plan was disrupted when Cliff Burton died. Scott Ian NUKED Davey in a post on his Twitter (which isn’t very fuckin’ metal man), writing, “Story’s not true. Little does anyone know but Lars actually owns the (METALLICA) name. Good luck ever kicking him out.” Dude… Dave… like Lars dad’s would say… we’d DELETE that!
Velvet Revolver are still searching for a singer… STOP!
So James Mercer, the dude who is “The Shins”, got all Trent Reznor and kicked half his band out but is running around saying how rad the dudes he fired are, how he’d love to work with them again one day and that letting them go was “an aesthetic decision”. Buuuuut, the dudes who got canned aren’t backing that story and are claiming they got fired and shit is far from cool. Look dudes, it sucks you guys got fired from that pussy-magnet band you guys were in, but in our dictionary “aesthetic descision” translates to “I had to kick the two lard ass slobs outta my band so chicks still came to my shows”. Slim down porkies.
McRib is back!
Buddyhead is helping out with this years Fuck Yeah Fest. Which is gonna rule this year just based on the fact that we’re gonna be involved and we’re gonna get High-School Sean shitfaced on Jager-Bombs. But aside from our massive ego it’s also got a rad line-up and is for a good cause too! It’s gonna help “Save Our State Parks” and is gonna take place on Saturday, September 5th, 2009 at the Los Angeles Historic State Park. Tickets are $20 but you get to see all these rad bands:
The Black Lips
Lightning Bolt
Tim & Eric (comedy duo from Adult Swim)
Fucked Up
Times New Viking
No Age
The Thermals
Converge
Glass Candy
Darker My Love
Peanut Butter Wolf
Nobunny
Japanther
Crystal Antlers
Dios
AA Bondy
Mika Miko
+ More to be announced soon.
Log on to: http://www.fuckyeahfest.com/
Just in case you guys have something more important going on than watching The Real World 125, like cornrowing your pubes, Greg from The Dillinger Escape Plan finally had his life long dream of living with another gay dude in Cancun come true. He’s going by the name Bronne on the show, but everyone knows it’s him, don’t we guys?
And if you can remember back a few weeks (don’t strain pot smokers), we “reported” (regurgitated) that Panic! at the Disco had lost two members and we commented something like “two down, two to go…” Well, looks like for once we were wrong and things are a lot worse than we thought cuz the two dudes that left started a new shitty band called The Young Veins. Yep, the suck is spreading like aids, wear ear protecting kids! Remember the rules for shitty bands so this doesn’t happen again: 1. Keep them away from water. 2. They hate bright light. 3. The most important rule. No matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg, never, never feed them after midnight. Got it?
Steven Tyler of Aerosmith fell off the stage and was airlifted to the hospital. Those grandpas were playing at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota a couple nights ago when homeboy ate shit after the sound system failed during “Love in an Elevator”. Dude (looks like a lady) was trying to keep the crowd into it, so he started dancing and spinning around on the catwalk in skin tight pants with no sides looking like Mick Jagger in drag, but fucked up and fell backwards into the crowd. Security and audience members rushed to help Tyler, who was then brought backstage. Hey Steve, we’re pretty sure your Medicare kicked in about 20 years ago, so it’s probably safe to retire by now. Don’t worry, you can always hit the golf course with Fred and Buzzo, not like they’re doing anything better these days. Introduce those posers to Alice Cooper and let’s watch that ponytail havin’ weirdo wipe the golf course with those goons!
Oh and we sold the singer of The Kills (Dead Weather/Discount) bra on ebay and to our surprise Someone bought the greasy thing for a cool $223.01 + shipping! The highest bidder was a Canadian… go figure! Don’t worry they owe us a photo of them holding the thing. Stay tuned for that! Wooooo! Beer money this week! Next week we’ll be auctioning off Spencer from Buddyhead to the highest bidder! He can grow a mustache, play the guitar and talk til the sun comes up! Get your credit cards ready ladies!
