So, in case you missed the shit storm of actual news sites commenting on this goofy matter…. Marilyn Manson is really pissed at Buddyhead cause we called him a fat cokehead poser. Well, MAN-the-fuck-UP Tubby! Everything we said is true! Plus your last record only sold 49,000 copies so you should be stoked ANYONE is still writing about you, man. I mean there’s really no point crying about it. But cry he did, and on his myspace blog of all places! Apparently there are people still blogging on Myspace. Probably only sex offenders, by now.
“I can, but do not need to defend myself And the absurd accusations that the average press has clinged onto. If we need a nude photo of me to prove that I am far different than the soon-to-be-murdered-in-their-home press has decided to fabricate, that is easy. But if one more “journalist” makes a cavalier statement about me and my band, I will personally or with my fans help, greet them at their home and discover just how much they believe in their freedom of speech. I dare you all to write one more thing that you won’t say to my face. Because I will make you say it. In that manner. That is a threat. Mm”
Hey now, Marilyn Manson! The best part of all this is that it looks like your dumb ass walked straight into one of our favorite Onion headlines ever, “Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People”. We had no idea it’d be our door! We’re flattered! But if you are coming over, first thing you need to do is burn the greasy Von Dutch gear with yer crack pipe and stop hitting your confused girlfriends cuz we don’t roll like that. Next, throw on “Funhouse” by The Stooges, and call us in the morning. People remember you now. Enjoy the free press, dickbreath:
San Francisco Chronicle
In Case You Didn’t Know
While we’re on the subject of Hot Topic slobs, we’re gonna have to add our two cents on this festival! What’s more depressing? (A) The fact that there are actually still enough Insane Clown Posse fans in existence to justify an official “Juggalo Gathering” festival, or (B) the fact that it’s the fucking 10th Annual Juggalo Gathering festival? As in there have already been nine of these fucking things! Can you picture the scene as thousands of fat mongoloids show up in a field dressed up as clowns, spraying soda all over each other as they fight like apes over the 2% of the audience that falls into the “female” category. That is if you consider a 500 lb. waterpig that does her makeup with what’s left out of the box of Krispy Cremes while trying to mask the hot garbage smell funneling out of her pleather dress via dirty stripper perfume, a female. Actually, the answer is (C) the fact that Ice Cube (yes, THE Ice Cube) is headlining this piece of shit. Wow, Cube, are you really hurting for money so bad that going to Buttfuck, Illinois to play at Whitetrashapalooza with Vanilla Ice sounded like a good idea? Couldn’t you just make another “Anaconda” or “Are We There Yet?” movie instead? Hate to say it, but maybe Eazy-E was right about you man. Sounds like Ice Cube is gettin’ fucked with No Vaseline these days. In other news, Coolio is apparently still alive….. and he parties hard… with the Juggallos. Coolio give us a call, we don’t smoke rocks but you can while you pick up the drink tab. We won’t tell nobody. Let’s party bro.
Speaking of festivals with massive stars of today… Look out Coachella cuz The Sunset Strip Music Festival is about to sweep Los Angeles. You know the people at Goldenvoice are PISSED they don’t have a hand in this CA$HCOW! So, check out this all-star line up: Chris Cornell (Yep, he’s still not aware how embarrassing his solo career is), The Donnas (no more Kiss covers ladies… please), Iglu & Hartly (this has to be a fake band name), Unwritten Law (you dudes haven’t thrown the towel in yet? Try crab-core.), Shiny Toy Guns (who are sponsored by Axe body spray – I SHIT YOU NOT!), Shwayze (it’s ain’t Patrick) and Fishbone (who we didn’t know were still a band either) are among the artists set to play the second annual Sunset Strip Music Festival September 10-12. Yeah, you could go watch a bunch of bands that NO ONE cares about, in addition to the guy who allegedly used to be in Soundgarden. He’ll be singing some power ballads about frosting the tips of his $200 douche-bag hair-do and having to go to Pottery Barn with his wife. Or just slide down a couple blocks on over to Santa Monica and get something a little more real. Like a little bit of VD from something that’s most likely a dude with a wig. We’re still trying to decide which sounds like the better deal… leaning towards option (B). We can handle feeling dirty, just not that dirty. Ya dig?
HOLY SHIT! Alice In Chains are back! Wait a minute, didn’t Alice in Chains die like 8 years ago? Oh, never-mind, that was ONLY their iconic lead singer who wrote most of their songs and was responsible for their unique sound due to his unmistakable voice. Oh well, fuck ‘em. Layne may be dead, but Jerry Cantrell’s gotta eat! And from the looks of homeboy’s hips he does a lot of eating! Big Boy looks like he’s been getting gravy through an I.V.! Besides, we’re totally sure they’ll sound just as good with whatever dude they decided to yank off the street (looks like it’s the dude with the afro there second from the left) and shove in front of the microphone. Yeah! Play the fuckin’ Rooster song dudes while we crack open cold ones in portable lawn chairs!Wooooooooo!
Moving from singers who are dead to singers most wish were dead, Scott Stapp, and the other dudes who haven’t been arrested 8 times in airports for being “drunk in public” but will burn in hell alongside him for all eternity, have resurrected Creed to steal back some of the inbred country vag (see above) they’ve lost to Three Doors Down over the last few years.. The Stapp-ster should be back attacking equally shitty bands like 311, beating up women, doing “The Pot”, talking about church to Vh1, getting wasted on celebrity poker and blurting out “Dave Grohl has a little dick” and Eiffel towering sluts with Kid Rock in no time! Read it and weep: http://www.billboard.com/#/features/q-a-creed-s-quest-for-a-comeback-1003996509.story
Speaking of Kid Rock, good ol’ Bob Ritchie got himself into the beer brewing game. This is a pretty slick move, cause now malorkus can capitalize on all of the alcoholism his white raps has driven people to. Look out for his next brew “American Bad Ass Beer”. Kid Rock wins again!
Guns N’ Roses still haven’t re-formed with the original line-up.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE HOLD UP AXL? You aren’t doing shit except playing video games in Malibu with your psychic’s kid! And no one is buying this new GNR shit! So, here’s the deal… and if you need help with this shit, call us. We already got The Verve back together with “The Secret”, don’t make us bust that shit out on your corn-rolled ass, old man! Listen up, give us like a week and we could totally make you cool again. And we’ll do it for free! Straight outta love for you and everything you’ve taught us over the years before you had your wack-attack! Besides, you ain’t got nothing better to do and we’re BORED! Ughh! First, take off the FUBU gear and call the REAL GNR DUDES pronto! You can start with IZZY cuz you still talk to him, plus homeboy was the backbone of the fuckin’ band and wrote all the good songs! Next you need to get on the horn and make good with Slash, Duff and Popcorn Adler. No Dizzy! No Matt “Crab Face” Sorum! And no Bumblebutt, no Chickenhead, no Bucketboy or whoever else you got on your payroll trying to imitate the original radness of GNR. Fuck, you need to fire Tommy Stinson too (even though we love that dude) just so The Replacements can get back together and melt everyone’s faces off again. Hey Axl, DO IT! Hey Slash, call us… we know you read Buddyhead and we know you wanna party with us on your dime! We’ll buy the smokes?
How about that band Does It Offend You, Yeah? Bravo dudes, no amateur’s gonna be able to concoct a name THAT retarded. I guess when you play music that’s about as edgy as the average episode of “Touched by an Angel” you got to try something to smokescreen the wackness a little. Good work jizz-for-brains.
Speaking of jizz, we’ve got to figure out how to get some mamas to shit out some dream killers (also known as “fuck trophies” – AKA “kids”) of our own, pronto! Then we could join this bad-ass group: http://www.mothersagainstbrokencyde.net/
The Arctic Monkeys just put out a new music video for the song “Crying Lightning!” Hey Arctic Monkeys, I don’t know if you got the memo, but part of being a flash in the pan is that you have to go away now. At least you’ll always have that time when your drummer went and partied with Puff Daddy… check this youtube video out!
Apparently, Weezer debuted some more songs/coffin nails at a live show recently. If you actually care about this, you either own a time machine and are stuck in the year 1999, or you smoke drugs… if that’s the case… START SHARING, POSER.
There’s a Madonna sex tape up for sale to the highest bidder that didn’t just throw up in their mouth when they read that. You could buy that shit… Or you could save some coin and just pay some half-dead, disease-soaked, meth cadet with a rotten, meaty vagina and the weirdest man arms around to let a large black man with an anaconda dick to get up in there, and you’d be fucking set, boss! By the way, how do you make sure your arms don’t look like this shit? What the fuck is going on here? Jesus!
Johnny Marr finally ended the practical joke he was playing on the world by leaving Modest Mouse and joining The Cribs. Good one, Johnny. You really had us going like you were into that crap for a while. Dude is mad old but you know he still gets more pussy than the rest of whatever weak band he’s in, combined. Sometimes old people totally rule.
So, here’s where you can give back to Buddyhead. The story goes that about a month ago Travis DJ’ed The Kills show here in LA where the singer of the band took off her bra and threw it into the crowd. We did what any normal broke music journalists would do… we threw that fucker up on ebay. But because we described it as a “cum-stained, sweat retainer from from a semi-mongoloid former fat chick,” and mostly cuz, well, it fuckin’ is, ebay took our auction down and sent us a letter about how we can’t be selling body parts and Native American bones on their site. Whoops-a-daisy! So, let’s try this one more time. Who wants to buy a bra that was once worn by the singer of The Kills? Not to mention who’s also the singer of Dead Weather (aka the “blow era”) and pop punk sxe legends Discount (aka “the it-could-only-be-Florida fat era”)? CLICK HERE TO BUY THE BRA ON E-BAY!
Billy Corgan can’t help but do something wack enough to land his old ass on this page every single week. Congrats dude, we’re gonna have to create some sort of award for like Douche-Bag of the Year if you keep this up! This past week bald Billy held his own Sky Saxon (of The Seeds) Tribute at the Echoplex on Friday. Homeboy had to let everyone know they hung out for a total of 10 minutes while Sky was alive. You know Sky was so high on acid that he prolly thought Billy was an elf, or some sort of walking penis. Actually what the real jig was here is that Nosferatu-sumumabitch wanted to use Sky’s death as a way to spew new “Smashing Pumpkins” shit out when he knew people would listen. Of course, this is all a scheme to debut his new 12-year-old drummer under circumstances where he can avoid hard questions about why a 6th grader, a fake Iha, a fake D’arcy and Uncle Fester Billy make up the “Smashing Pumpkins” now. Riiiiiight, nothing weird here… no one will notice. Real subtle, Billy-boy. There have been prison rapes conducted with more finesse than that.
The new issue of SPIN features the magazine’s “Top 20 Greatest Albums Of 2009 … so Far.” Let us give you the top four (cuz we’re too lazy to type out 20) reasons no one gives a fuck about your magazine, let alone any of other music magazine excluding Mojo.
1. Small thing called the Internet. We rule. Chew on our nuts Spin.
2. You guys put Kanye West on your cover 12 times last year. The jig is up, quit.
3. Your music coverage is about as “edgy” as the average retirement community newsletter.
4. Your magazine sucked the first time when it was called Rolling Stone… and at least they could sorta write about political issues. You dorks let Chuck Klostermann (who’s a grown ass man that likes KISS! FIRED!) paint the pages white with his “writing.” Why should anyone wanna touch it after that? Don’t even get us started on Marc Spitz, the New Yorker who wrote a book called “We Got The Neutron Bomb: The Untold Story of L.A. Punk” and forgot to include more than two sentences about The Weirdos. POSEUR!
That punk rock chick, Jemina Pearl, from Be Your Own Pet has a solo record coming out where she got the dirtiest old man around, Iggy Pop, to sing on a song called “I Hate People”. Ten bucks says Iggy whipped out his snake at least twice while recording. He prolly pulled the old, “Ever seen one that looks like this?” But then again that’s just what the fuck Iggy does.
That fake punk rock chick, Avril Lavigne… you know the one with the midget hands? Well, she goes off and we’ve got proof. Check out these shots of Avril raging in a VIP Room night club in Saint Tropez, DIY Style. DOUCHE IT YOURSELF!
Sometimes we find some affection deep down in our blackened hearts for someone we’ve previously shat on. Recently, John Holgado, the bass player dude from Attack Attack!, almost touched that warm spot with his comments here. Then someone showed us homeboy’s Myspace disaster (http://www.myspace.com/mepunkrockjock) and no fuckin’ way do we forgive that. Plus once this dude hits his 20′s, he’s gonna realize that his droopy lobes really creep chicks out. Sure, we’ve nuked John enough with words at this point… And to be fair, what more can we really say? But we will let him show you just why a teenage boy should never quit school to pursue crab-core… A hint: pink clothes on a poodle? These photos are a lot like those fold-out cards on flights with cartoons of airplanes crash-landing into water and people flipping out. Doesn’t make you feel too comfortable now does it?
So, Dan Deacon had to take a break from balding and stuffing food in his fat face to tell everyone a few things about the “Drinking Out Of Cups Lizard” video… here’s what bitch-tits had to say about our favorite animated lizard video:
1. I WAS NOT ON ACID WHILE MAKING THIS VIDEO
2. I WAS NOT LOCKED IN THE CLOSET AND BEING RECORDED
3. I RECORDED THE TRACK 100% SOBER
4. I USED THE TRACK AS A SCHOOL PROJECT AS A SOLO VOICE/TAPE PIECE
5. I HAVE NEVER DONE ACID, AND LIKE JEFF LEWIS, NO I DON’T WANT ANY ACID, THANK YOU
6. YES, THAT IS ME TALKING AND I WROTE THE PIECE
7. ITS A CHARACTER SATIRIZING LONG ISLAND STEREOTYPES
8. THE SONG CAME OUT IN 2003
9. THE VIDEO CAME OUT IN 2006
Well listen here Mr. Deacon, there’s something you and your boy Liam Lynch should know. This video is only funny if you WERE on acid in a dark closet coming up with that shit. THAT’S WHY PEOPLE LIKED IT! Anyone can come up with that shit sober watching TV. Thanks for ruining the joke for everyone, dickhead. Plus, school sucks. Now, we’re not even a fan of one thing you’ve done. Cuz we’re pretty sure that if a place called HELL really does exist, your music is what they’re pumping in the elevator on the way down. Shit fuckin’ sucks you penis-inhaler. Great, thanks!
P.S. Fuck you. Get real.
And while you’re at it… buy the new Dios EP “Cosmic Rays” if you wanna keep the lights on over here at Buddyhead and hear some killer tunes at the same time! These dudes rip! Log on to: http://wearedios.com/ & http://www.myspace.com/diosmalos. Full length being mixed NOW!
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