Hi, I’m Meathead. Someone on the internet was nice enough to forward me a link to Shock Rocker™ Marilyn Manson’s MySpace blog (in other news, Marilyn Manson has a MySpace blog). Apparently he’s a tad upset that various individuals with cognizance greater than that of a goldfish have been pointing out the fact that he’s a 40-year-old man who writes like (and dates) 14-year-olds and brags about cutting himself. Don’t you just love the First Amendment? Our brave forefathers valiantly sacrificed their lives so that Marilyn Manson could have the freedom to wipe his pasty white ass with the Bible and the rest of us could have the freedom to subsequently call him a pathetic jackass. America!
Anyhoo, I guess someone must have finally pointed out to him that there have been some less-than-kind things being said about him and his “art” for the past, oh, fifteen years or so, because he’s now posting marginally coherent threats to these naysayers on MySpace:
I can, but do not need to defend myself And the absurd accusations that the average press has clinged onto. If we need a nude photo of me to prove that I am far different than the soon-to-be-murdered-in-their-home press has decided to fabricate, that is easy. But if one more “journalist” makes a cavalier statement about me and my band, I will personally or with my fans help, greet them at their home and discover just how much they believe in their freedom of speech. I dare you all to write one more thing that you won’t say to my face. Because I will make you say it. In that manner. That is a threat. Mm
I’ll take a pass on the nude photo, thanks! Also, I’m not quite sure if the “Mm” at the end is supposed to be his initials or if he’s actually saying “Mm” because Jeordie just stuck his dick in his mouth. But that’s beside the point. Now, let’s not kid ourselves, we all know he’s referring to Buddyhead here. Everybody who’s cool reads Buddyhead (even what’s-his-face from that crabcore band!), and Manson has to know at least one cool person. And, well, since I’m more or less the designated Manson-writer-abouter here, I can’t help but take it somewhat personally, particularly the part about murdering. But I have to say I’m a little perplexed. Am I actually supposed to find Marilyn Manson intimidating in some way? I don’t know if he’s looked in the mirror lately, but let’s just say he’s not exactly “built.” He should have taken a clue from Trent “Protein Shake” Reznor, who most likely could kick my ass but I can talk shit about him anyway since he doesn’t read the internet anymore. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no desire to have Marilyn Manson show up at my home, but not because I’m afraid of him getting violent. I just don’t like hanging out with losers. What if my neighbors saw? I’d never live it down. And I really don’t want any of Manson’s “fans” showing up here either, for the same reason.
Just humor me here for a minute. I’m trying to visualize a scenario in which Marilyn Manson actually acquires my home address, achieves a mental state that’s close enough to sobriety to allow him to successfully type it into Google and print out the directions, and then makes it all the way over here without getting distracted and sucking off a vagrant along the way. He rings the doorbell, I open the door, and he says “I’m Marilyn Manson and I don’t like what you’ve been saying about me on the internet.” Now let’s pause it right here. What does he think the reaction to that is going to be? Does he seriously think anyone over the age of two would be afraid at this point? And what is he going to do exactly to “make me say it,” slap me? And why would he think he even has to make me in the first place, when I’d be more than happy to voluntarily tell him he’s a hack?
On the other hand, am I seriously supposed to be afraid of anyone who would openly admit to being a Marilyn Manson fan, much less anyone who would blindly take orders from a washed up, middle aged poser in clown makeup?
To be fair, I’ve never said any of these things to Manson’s face, and I’d guess most of his other critics never have, either. That’s mainly because I don’t know him personally, and therefore do not tend to find myself in situations where I would say things to him like “Hey Marilyn Manson, did you see any movies this weekend?” or “Hey Marilyn Manson, can you pass the Tabasco sauce?” So, as a result of not being in such situations, I also lack the opportunity to say “Hey Marilyn Manson, what in the goddamned hell is wrong with you?” Of course, if it makes him feel better to think that I do have the opportunity but instead choose to cower in fear behind my computer because I’m afraid he’ll murder me to death, then, well, okay. Whatever. Here in America, you’re free to do that too.
Hey Marilyn Manson, since you’re reading this right now and probably cutting yourself, why don’t you shoot me an email and we can go have some coffee (your treat) while I explain to you, in painstaking detail, exactly why you are irrelevant and your fans are retards. Of course, I’ll be wearing a hat, sunglasses and fake mustache so as to avoid the possibility of anyone I know seeing me talking to you, but I’ll totally do it. Ball’s in your court, dude. Either put up or shut up (preferably the latter).