Be sure to let your friends who did Drama Club in high school know that Pitchfork is having another festival to celebrate their writing staff’s continued virginity this coming weekend! This is another huge win for the Chicago franchise of American Apparel, local sweater makers, and, of course, www.bedwettingstore.com. However, it’s also a huge loss for men’s jeans, the spirit of rock and roll, testicles and the physical act of sex, since all four will be completely absent throughout the festival. Unfortunately, we can’t make it out this year cause we have more important things to do like watch reruns of Murder, She Wrote. That said, we are kinda bummed about missing legions of pasty white dudes pretending they think shit like Yeasayer is earth-shatteringly good in order to have a shot at hitting some emaciated-yet-somehow-also-frumpy tail. We heard new additions this year include a tent in which one can watch the nameless, faceless, dignity-less record reviewers smell their own farts while consulting thesauruses for their next reviews and an additional tent in which the “Proper Beard Maintenance with Fleet Foxes” workshop will take place. Normally, Pitchfork bribes shitty bands to play their nerdstock with highly-rated and totally unreadable reviews. But how did they trick The Jesus Lizard into playing this year? They must’ve offered David Yow a truck load of Whiskey in order to get him to show up to dorkfest. Putting Yow in that environment is about on par with inviting Slick Rick to be the keynote speaker at a Young Republicans convention or Metallica circa 86′ walking into a Bright Eyes show where everyone is sitting cross-legged. Scalp your tickets.
So it seems over the past couple weeks anyone who was in a 90′s band is just flipping the fuck out. Courtney Love claims she’s calling her solo record, a “Hole” record. Hole guitarist Eric Erlandson says that there ain’t no Hole without him. Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins is still alive and can sing in two pitches at once just like the Tibetan monks. And D’Arcy Wretzky who used to be in the Smashing Pumpkins (you haven’t thought about her in ten years, have ya?) called Chicago radio station Q101′s request line and showed the world just how high on pills she is. REAL high. Take a listen to the 12-minute plus rant; we promise it isn’t Courtney Love you’re hearing, just a whole lot of crazy and pharmaceuticals: CLICK HERE.
We’ve got an idea for all these bloated, 90′s grunge Dinosaurs, cuz we know we’re not lucky enough for them to simply go away. Hey Courtney, why don’t pry that homeless dude off your tit and call up D’Arcy and get that pill popper in your band…you can call it WHOLE PILL. Yeah, sure, Eric isn’t gonna leave you alone, but at least you know that chick is gonna bring a hefty pill stash to the table. Courtney + D’Arcy = more pills to gobble! Yes, you can have that band name for free, baby.
Good news for people who are amped on long titles: Modest Mouse is putting out a single/e.p. next week! We’re psyched cause we can use it to replace Soothing Sounds of the Rain Forest as the CD we fall asleep to every night. Ahhh…
On September 20, bust out your flannel and dive off the upper balcony, because Pearl Jam will be self-releasing their new album Backspacer. Spready Cheddar and the boys have partnered with Target to sell the new record, which works out great for the band, cuz now guitarist Mike McCready gets a 50% discount on all of the soccer mom gear he wears on stage.
Fiery Furnaces are putting out like, their tenth record in two years really soon. We’ll give them this: it’s rare that a band is courteous enough to include in their name instructions as to where their records should be stored. We’re gonna make sure the distribution company gets that memo.
Even though he bombed last year and got more death threats than laughs, MTV is having British comedian Russell Brand host their Video Music Awards for the second straight year in a row. Now if only homeboy actually comes out to “Supersonic” by Oasis this year, then not only will a comedian no one in this country likes be hosting the VMA but they’ll be listening to a band none of them like, either.
Guns N’ Roses announced that some douche-bag, who uses more hair products than a hair salon, hangs out at the Rainbow thinking it’s still 1987 and was in Nikki Sixx’s band Sixx AM! Good pick Axl! This douche-drinker’s name is DJ Ashba and he’s officially the new “NOT-SLASH” guy in the band. GREAT! We’re just stoked they’re not touring on Chinese Democracy.
The Rapture have announced that bassist Mattie Safer has quit the band. One down – three to go!
Dear Fans and friends,
I’ve been meaning to catch you up on what’ s been going on in Rapture world. First off, I’m sad to say that at the beginning of April our buddy Mattie Safer decided to leave the band. We are sad to see him go but it seems it is the best for all of us. Since then Luke, Vito and I have been on a creative tear. We’ve been working out of our little Brooklyn make shift studio, writing, demoing and jamming. I’m pretty damn excited to share the fruits of our labor with you. But its still gonna be a minute before we hit the studio for real. On the other hand, I am very pleased to announce that the people of the great continent of Australia will be some of the first to hear some of our new material live, when we arrive late September for Parklife festival. In the meantime, keep an eye on this blog and another on your neighborhood dance party, who knows maybe we’ll be spinnin’.
Lotsa Love,
The Rapture
Okay, remember how everyone was flipping out re: the swine flu a while back? Well how come no one is calling the CDC about quarantining whatever plague is causing impossibly awful shit like Brokencyde, Hollywood Undead, Attack Attack! and this shit below to happen:
Confide video:
Jimminy Christmas! A metal-core Postal Service cover? Do we really need crossover appeal between the Pitchfork pussies and the Hot Topic pussies? And you thought Seether covering George Michael was mind blowing. Seriously, we need answers kids. How the fuck is this happening? Is it the chemicals in the hair products they’re using? Is it the tight, borderline capri jeans? Seriously we dare you to sit through the entirety of this video. By the time it’s over, you’ll be about as relieved as you were that time your girlfriend caved and got the abortion.
So this band is called “Confide”, which is sort of appropriate cause someone needs to confide to these dudes the fact that it’s time to put down the guitars and pick up the Hot Topic cashier applications. Oh and best of all, you guessed it, it’s a Christian band! Guess God does have a sense of humor.
