What’s up butt sluts? Ok, first off there’s no way this weeks Gossip is going to compete with last week’s cuz Michael Jackson didn’t die again. So unless you’re gonna start offing celebrities for us… cut us some slack Cheech. And we’re late (SURPRISE!) with this batch of Gossip by a day cuz yesterday was a happy 32nd for Travis and he spent the day at the happiest place on earth for his birthday. That’s right DISNEY-FUCKIN-LAND! Send all belated presents (he already got the Neil young boxset so don’t send that) to PO BOX 1268 Hollywood, CA 90078.

We here at the ‘head support women’s rights and believe, for the most, cocks = cunts. However, up until kinda recently, we thought that only donged life-forms were capable of creating the worst of the worst musical abortions (see Brokencyde, all Nu-Metal, Dance Punk etc). Then we saw this:
DING DING DING! Way to go ladies! You just scored another huge win for female equality by proving the girls CAN squirt diarrhea in our ears every bit as hard as your douchey male counterparts. You know Kathleen Hanna is totally AMPED right now! Oh wait, before you accept your award- this just in: someone already did this 15 years ago! A little group our favorite rapper ever…

Eazy-Motherfuckin’-E, tried to pimp out. They’re called Ho’s With Attitudez or H.W.A.:
Yep, so take that H.W.A. video, smack it with the ugly-stick really hard a few times, pour in a cup of whiteness, 3 gallons of protools and stir! BAM! You got Millionaire now. The only difference is we actually kinda want to do the Funk Me with H.W.A, but don’t really get who’d want to throw a fuck into you three myspace butter-balls.
Q: How do you know if your band is a bunch of fucking posers?
A: You have a song on a Diablo Cody movie soundtrack.
Oh, hey, looks like she’s got a new movie coming out that you couldn’t pay us to go see! Actually, that’s not true, you can pay us (we accept cash, drugs or PayPal). You remember Juno, right? The totally hip “indie” flick with the totally hip “indie” soundtrack, the totally hip “indie” catchphrases and the totally hip “indie” pro-life agenda? Yeah, we wish we didn’t either. Anyway, looks like she wrote another one and it’s coming out at some point in the near future. See, I knew that goddamned Oscar was just going to encourage her to squeeze out more shitty screenplays instead of going back to her previous career of showing her sweaty, hairy vagina to sweaty, hairy guys in trucker hats. This time around it’s a horror flick called “Jennifer’s Body,” so I guess we can look forward to more inspired dialogue like “he’s the cheese to my macaroni,” only this time we see some people getting stabbed to death too. We might actually consider watching this piece of shit if at least two of the victims are cast members from Superbad. And once again the soundtrack is a who’s-who of today’s “it” bands, including Silversun Pickups, Dashboard Confessional and Panic! at the Disco. Did they just pay someone fifty bucks to listen to KROQ for an hour and write down their playlist? Hey guys, you forgot Kings of Leon! They’re really hot right now! And what the fuck, no Muse? How are you supposed to pander to the 20-something hipster demographic without Muse? You really dropped the ball, dudes.
On a positive note… The two ball-drainers who played guitar and bass in Panic At The Disco quit “in order to pursue individual music projects”. Yeah, we were stoked the first half of that sentence too. That news reminds us of the time we were getting a VD test and the doctor told us that we were in the clear with herpes but the Aids was full blown.
Limp Bizkit is going to be playing a free show at the Pearl in Las Vegas on July 18. I don’t know, even though it’s free it still seems like a rip off, if you ask us. Isn’t that a little bit like getting a FREE kick in the balls and a discount on a nosebleed? You could get the same feeling by hitting the casinos and gambling away all your life savings at the craps table, and at least then you’d get to have a little bit of fun before the crushing despair sets in.
The singer kid from Wavves is in rehab right now. Rehab is like reset on your old Nintendo dude… just take a break and start over. Hell yeah. While you’re in there, maybe take a sec and reflect on the intentionally misspelled band name. If you’re confused as to why, see the band mentioned above.

Moby is a panty sniffer! That’s right. Homeboy was at a party of Gibby Haines from Butthole Surfers and was caught red-handed sniffing Gibby’s wife’s panties. No wonder Moby is running around strapped!
Detachable Penis is still a rad song!

Michael Jackson’s drug use was made public. Mountains of Drugs? NO FUCKIN WAY!
The ailing Thriller star was said to have consumed “mountains of medication” as he battled numerous disorders in the year leading up to his death. Many prescriptions were bought under the fictitious name Omar Adams. As well as the narcotic pain reliever Vicodin, 50-year-old Jacko gorged on other drugs like muscle relaxant Soma and sedative Xanax….Family lawyer Brian Oxman told us yesterday: “Randy (Jacko’s brother) was due to be sent a copy of the autopsy yesterday, but the coroner’s office still haven’t sent it. “But the autopsy details from you are — as you can expect — unbelievably awful, horrifying reading. “The family response? ‘Oh My God’. That’s what they shouted. They kept saying, ‘Oh My God’. “They suspected the drugs were harming Michael — but not as badly as this. They are beside themselves, it’s truly, truly, awful. What is crucial to them is not the drug types Michael was taking, but the quantities he was taking them in. “This is a huge and major concern. During Michael’s court trial he was taking 40 Vicodin a day — and this may have even increased. “It’s an insane amount of drugs to be given — and to be taken.”
Why didn’t we get to party with that guy? After reading that we’ve never wanted access to a working time machine more. The only problem that comes to our mind is… what the fuck would we bring to a Michael Jackson party? Anyone have a nephew we could borrow? It’s kinda hard to one-up the host when he’s racking up those kinda stats! Not really sure if we could of survived his party or not.
So today’s the big farewell to MJ in Los Angeles. Yep, they built a big ass float made of Demerol, Vicodin, under-roos and mickey mouse ears and got a fleet of a thousand hairless pre-teens in Peter Pan costumes riding Big Wheels to pull it through the streets of LA towards The Staples Center where a gospel-telethon themed funeral will go down. At the end it’s gonna rain candy and everyone’s gonna chew Vicodin. He was the king of Popping Pills! Where’s Jarvis when we need him?
Jarvis Cocker reaction to Michael Jackson Death on some weird Brit TV show called, “Question Time”.
Jack White Jimmy Page movie looks BOMB. Jack, we know we’ve fucked with you in the past… but if you don’t get us on the list for the LA premiere… Your ass is grass buddy!
Someone told us that Slash has lung Cancer. If that’s true, we’re super bummed. Axl you better get your shit together cuz the window is closing on the reunion bitchtits!
We know we’ve inflicted a lot of pain on you kids lately with the numerous crimes against music we’ve unearthed since the ‘head has gone back to being cybersexually active. Believe it or not, we usually listen to music we actually LIKE, but these things just keep finding their way to us like crabs find their way into Amy Winhouse’s pubes. Every time we think we’ve seen the worst of it, some new atrocity comes along and makes us want to start a fistfight with our parents for bringing us into a world where such things can happen. Buckle up kiddies cause we’re about to show you proof that civilization itself is ending – Attack Attack! video:
Where the fuck do we even start with this? We had to send this video to other people just to make sure we’re seeing what we think we’re seeing and aren’t trapped in some nightmare. Seriously, we’re about to go off and play for keeps on this one, but whatever disses we have to follow won’t be enough, so pile on in the comments cause this shit needs to be nuked across America.
Ok let’s break this down (for best results watch clip while reading):
0:01 – The video just started and we already know it’s gonna suck because there is a lone lip pierced girl sitting in the middle of nowhere. Videos that feature some gothed up bleeder looking fragile and bummed as the main character are ALWAYS shitty. ALWAYS. We defy you to find a good one.
0:06-0:20 – Yep, as we expected, the chick was a bad omen. The “song” just kicked off in soul crushing fashion with a cookie monster “yow” and the entire band sporting stage moves that look like a cross between masturbating bear from Conan O’Brien and a fucking hermit crab. Do you realize how many friends and family members could have pulled these clowns aside and been like “Dudes, your band already sucks, let’s maybe not compound the problem by playing like you’re shitting a guitar out of your mangina”? Apparently no one felt like doing that. What that means is all of these dudes seriously have zero people in their lives that care for them and probably many that want to see them humiliate themselves on television. Bleak. Hilarious.
0:36 – …and now we’ve shifted from death grunts to singing. How fresh! Way to crowbar in that transition too there fellas! Excellent song craft, doesn’t sound forced at all. You might not have gotten the memo that was circulated circa 2002, but the screamer/singer thing sucked back when it was emo bands doing it. 7 years and a pinch of death metal didn’t sweeten the mix any.
0:58 – Synchronized guitar lifts? Were you felch-fiends male cheerleaders or something? Did you start a band after you realized all the girl cheerleaders fuck football players, not pussies who like to choreograph things?
1:01-1:06 – Fucking BUNNY HOPS?!?!?!?! This is where we started shouting at our computer and dropping the bottles of beer we were holding in pure astonishment.
1:17-1:18 – Remember 11 seconds ago when you thought the bunny hops were the worst thing that had ever happened to your eyes? Well, the fucktard with the blond streak in his hair playing guitar next to the chubby keyboard player just blew your mind. Full crab position, shifting the weight side to side like he’s stretching either for a track meet or the world anal penetration record, guitar at penis level, looking right at you and NODDING! As if he’s going “Yep, this is happening. You can’t stop it”.
1:36-1:38 – The lead grunter is running in place while reaching his hand out and screaming. That’s actually a good call tubby, you should do more running like that, you know, on a treadmill. Who knows, maybe then you’d have a chance with the girl in your own video. Why you got your hand reached out though dude? Is the director holding out a can of Funfetti cake frosting or something? Whatever keeps you motivated I guess.
1:42-1:45 – Yet another seamless musical transition. Seriously, did you guys tab out 50 shitty riffs, put them in a hat and arrange this song in the order they were picked? We’ve see Latin American coups accomplish smoother transitions than this.
2:31-2:32 – Even the girl that’s being paid to be in this video can’t stand this shit anymore, she’s covering her ears now and then firing her agent later.
2:46-3:18 – This is where we started Googling the word “Hitman”. Everything that’s happened before has been prelude to this moment. After winning the gold medal at Lame Breakdown Olympics, these dudes follow it up at the 2:46 mark firing off the notes of music which must surely trumpet the end of days. From shitty deathcore right into Jock Jams territory without even batting an eye. Golly. Cue the shot of the entire band running in place in UNISON. Where’s the clip of some French dude scoring in a soccer game? The best part is you know these fucks thought they were really onto something when they wrestled this part onto end of the song. That keyboard player totally creams his jeans every time this part happens thinking to himself “Ok fat/shitty keyboard player, this is your moment to shine”. After all of that, just as a little cherry on top, we get the “singer” guitar player
weeping about some bullshit with the autotune dimed on his vocal track like this was some cracker version of a T-Pain song.
3:24 – Ok, it’s over. We’re exhausted and pretty certain we’ve now got cancer just from watching this video. That’s all we’ve got in us, but help us get unmerciful in the comments kids. We’re pretty sure every second of this song has a dis with its name on it, so bring it. We’re gonna go huff a 30 pack of Glade cans in the hope we might annihilate the brain cells that processed this video.
















