Chickenfoot – Chickenfoot
Redline Entertainment
Reviewed by Chip Norman
Yeah, because everyone wanted a CD that sounds like hanging out with an embarrassing uncle at the family reunion BBQ. Dude won’t quit talking about his secret recipe for hot sauce and making uncomfortable bachelor jokes while you think of all the reasons his wife killed herself with pills.
Enter CHICKENFOOT:
Check out this all-star, SUPERGROUP line-up:
- Chad “I-can’t-believe-it-ain’t-Anchorman” Smith from the Chilli Peppers
- Joe “Wanks-worse-than-Stevie-Ray” Satriani of Dream Theater [CORRECTION: Satriani wasn't in Dream Theater, but did contribute to their crimes against humanity. How embarrassing for me. -Chip]
- Michael “A-16-year-old-bassist-replaced-this” Anthony of Van Halen
- And…sigh…Sammy “Someone-put-poodle-roadkill-on-my-head” Haggar: the most embarrassing uncle of them all.
And what a rad logo. Heard they got Nickleback’s graphic artist. That backwards-K alone should tip any interested parties off to the fact that, if not the worst record ever, then this is definitely the most humiliating.
I mean, seriously? Joe Satriani? Yeah, Music Executive, history’s most notorious noodler will save the major labels. And Joe- Guitars are not supposed to sound like that. Find another hobby, jerk. Suicide, maybe. And then, of course, we have the national shame, Sammy Haggar, doing what he does best: SUCKING HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AT BOTH HAIR AND MUSIC. This seems like the perfect opportunity to rub it in the faces of those who think that the bands that spawned this all-star act were ever good to begin with. Van Halen? Cock-rock bastard child of Led Zeppelin and the Stones. Awful. Dream Theater? A musical abortion. The only band in history with thousands of releases and not one song to be found among them. Red Hot Chilli Peppers? White-boy-sandal-funk.
And don’t even start with Eddie Van Noodle. The proportion of idiots who actually commend the dude who invented finger tapping is mind-blowing. In a just world, an army of emaciated, third-world babies would have chewed Eddie Van Halen’s spray-can-tan right off of his meat for that “weedle-weedle” crap.
Bottom line is that anyone capable of making Chickenfoot never knew what Rock n’ Roll was and never made Rock n’ Roll. Say what you want about Iggy, but whatever bad he’s done, it ain’t Chickenfoot.
And to give credit where it’s due, Diamond Dave was legitmately rad. Diamond, wherever you are, I promise 5-gallons of meth, and dentures, if you cut these dorks up into pieces and ship them to Margaritaville.
Alright, alright, this is a record review, and to prove I listened to this disaster, here are some nuggets to air-guitar to:
“YEEAAHHAHAHAHA! You sexy lil’ thang! COME ON! SHE GOT IT! SHE GOT IT! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!” Cue Sitar. Cue wah-wank.
“If I were a blues man, oh, how I could sing, about how I want to be your hoochy-coochie man. YEEEAAHHHHHHHHHH!! OW! YEAH! BAAAAYYY-BUUUUHHHHHH!!!!”
And from “Learning To Fall,” a ballad the likes of which Michael Bolton wouldn’t touch:
“When I fall, I fall down. Lord, oh Lord, when I fall, I fall down. YEEEEAHAHAHAHAH!! OWW! BAY-BUH!, BAY-BUH!, BAY-BUHHHH!”
Things do not get better for these “Rock n’ Rollers.” Trust me.
Wank like Chickenfoot do and make tables vibrate like Chickenfoot do! YEEAAAH! OW!
Raping the fine and very black legacy of Rock n’ Roll as individuals wasn’t enough. No, these monsters had to form a MAJOR LABEL SUPERGROUP YEEEAAAAHHHHH to POUND in that last nail.
Hope you’re happy you beyond washed-up hookers, because Bo Diddley, he dead.
