As you may possibly be aware by now, that one Guns ‘N Roses cover band known as “Guns ‘N Roses” is on the verge of allegedly releasing its long-awaited new album, Chinese Democracy. I’m seriously trying to wrap my mind around the concept of why I should give a shit, aside from the free Dr. Pepper. We’ve already heard 78% of this thing. There are three songs on it that we haven’t heard in some form or another, and I think it’s safe to say that the three Chinese Democracy songs we haven’t heard aren’t going to change the world. Honestly, are you really that psyched to hear that song Sebastian Bach sings on?
I’m ashamed (not really) to admit that I haven’t been following Guns N’ Roses news as closely as some over the last seventeen years, but for some reason or another I had been under the assumption that Chinese Democracy was going to be a double, or maybe even triple or quadruple album. I mean, you know, that could at least partially explain why it’s been taking so long. It takes time to make an album with a bazillion songs on it. But no, it’s only fourteen songs that were written back in the ’90s, and Axl has spent the average dog’s lifespan dicking around with them in the studio, adding strings, choral vocals, triangles, and God knows/cares what else. Okay, you know what, fine. He’s an OCD-level perfectionist who thinks hair metal qualifies as high art. If he really thinks that extra layer of cowbell is going to make a difference, fine. But how in the hell do you reconcile that with Chinese Democracy’s staggeringly pathetic cover art which has recently been foisted upon us?
In case you’re in so far in denial that your brain refuses to process the image that your eyes are sending to it, it’s a picture of a fucking bike. You know, if I were a Guns ‘N Roses fan as opposed to someone who sometimes refrains from switching the radio station when “Paradise City” and “Sweet Child Of Mine” come on, I’d be pretty pissed off, especially if I’d just spent an enormous chunk of my life waiting for this release. It’s like Axl’s saying “Hey guys, thanks for sticking around for seventeen years while I continually pushed the limits of how far I could fit my head up my own ass. Here’s a bike!” Not only that, but as someone who actually has professional experience with graphic design, I can truthfully say that no one worth their paycheck would have designed a layout like that, the subject matter of the photo aside. Not only did they pick a typeface that makes Comic Sans look interesting by comparison, but they even added an outline to it. Yeah, that always looks great! I guess after all the millions of dollars that were flushed down the toilet invested in making this album, they could only afford to hire some 75-year-old grandmother who just taught herself how to use Print Shop and enjoys designing inspirational cards for her church friends.
Let’s face it, since we’ve already heard the vast majority of Chinese Democracy, pretty much the only thing left to really look forward to was the artwork. Not that any cover art wouldn’t have been at least a little disappointing, since nothing could possibly live up to the hype this album has generated, but this is ridiculous. One could say that this is Axl’s idea of a joke, but since when has Axl had a sense of humor? The guy sues his fans more often than most people go to the grocery store, and I seriously doubt his hairstyle is intentionally self-deprecating. I could see Maynard from Tool doing something like this, but Axl?
Sebastian Bach, who knows everything, has stated that Chinese Democracy will be the first installment in a trilogy, and that the next two installments will actually be finished before the year 4698. Since I feel kinda bad for giving Axl such a hard time, I decided to do him a solid and design the covers for parts 2 and 3 myself, thereby sparing him the $20 he would have spent on them otherwise. For the sake of consistency, I strived to maintain the same aesthetic and level of excitement of the first. Enjoy!
