After several years working around the clock in our clandestine subterranean laboratory, I am most happy to reveal a great breakthrough on a secret project of magnanimous import. Through a most rigorous battery of tests and careful, meticulous examination we have engineering a computerized prototype linguistic translation apparatus which can successfully rework the ultimately inscrutable critical writing — the full meaning of which was once only appreciable to an elite tribe of administrative assistants — to a crude, yet comprehensible text for the common reader. Even with the early-stage bugs in the system, we are thrilled to bring these findings to the community at large.

Albert Hammond Jr.: ¿Cómo te Llama?
It says: At a time when indie audiences are demanding more and more esoteric touches like Afro-pop, lo-fi C86isms, or Balearic revivalism, a songwriter like Hammond feels like a well-needed junk food binge.
It means: Dr. Dog needs to offer XXL tees. ism. ism. ism. Quisiera que él me diera bebés!

Sebadoh: Bubble and Scrape Deluxe Edition
It says: Plucked from the detritus of 90s independent music, B&S may noy [SIC] be the generational touchstone of Slanted and Enchanted or Exile in Guyville (and if Liz was shadow boxing anything, it was exactly this strain of guy culture), but relegating it to the Indie Rock Era nostalgia ghetto, where a band’s “cred” usually dictated the reception of its records isn’t fair, either.
It means: 158 days until I’m 30. 157 days until I’m 30. 156 days until I’m 30. Northern Exposure.

David Karsten Daniels: Fear of Flying
It says: No one expects a modest singer-songwriter to solve humanity’s basic quandaries in 11 songs, but Daniels could learn something from Oldham: In the midst of death we are in life and might as well live, love, lust, even sin, while we wait for the Reaper’s cart to come around and collect us.
It means: At 13, I tried chewing tobacco once, but swallowed and threw up all over dad’s first edition of Absalom Absalom.

The Botticellis: Old Home Movies
It says: The main beef here, if you want to call it that, is the tendency to sometimes lapse into nondescript MOR.
It means: Pfffffffrrrrrrrrrt!

Ratatat: LP3
It says: There’s something fascinating about the mercenary nature of soundtrack library music– pay-per-use stuff that is composed behind the simple idea of a generating an aesthetic mood; music designed to make your brand cooler or your TV show more action-packed without having to rely on the pre-existing memories that come with, say, a Who song.
It means: Uncle Jim’s golfing buddy touched me and told me not to tell.

Various Artists: Nigeria Disco Funk Special / Nigeria Rock
It says: If you’re already a fan of funky West African music, I recommend these sets to you without reservation.
It means: Can’t wait to get back to listening to Iron & Wine. Sometimes its weird to be white.

Nachtmystium: Assassins: Black Meddle, Pt. 1
It says: The genre’s focus is usually on Northern Europe, but years after Profanatica, Demoncy, Von, Absu and Judas Iscariot among others proved you could make black metal in New York, North Carolina, Texas, and Illinois, projects such as Leviathan, Bone Awl, Cult of Daath, Inquisition, Ashdautas, and Wrnlrd are creating a uniquely American voice within the genre.
It means: Mom! I told you not to come in without knocking!

Nine Inch Nails: Ghosts I-IV
It says: Plenty of the individual sounds here are just gorgeous, and Reznor even expands his palette a bit to encompass marimbas, banjos, and percussively Beck-like slide-guitar.
It means: Just gorgeous! The despicable dining room rug has to go! Is it too much to get my toes done twice in a week?