What kind of dickhead doesn’t like a good Choco Taco?
Hi, I’m Meathead. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve spiced up your life with my Pulitzer prize-winning Internet web column, but I’ve been busy these past couple weeks getting all sweaty. I’m sure you’ve been there, you know what it’s like. But it’s okay, just relax, everything’s cool. Seriously, chill the fuck out.
You know what’s one of my favorite frozen, pre-packaged desserts based on a Mexican food staple? Hint: You’re looking right at a picture of it, and it’s also mentioned in the title. Give up? I’m talking about the delicious, savory Choco Taco. I know what you’re thinking. “Buddyhead is a music website! I come here to read about music! Choco Tacos aren’t music! Therefore, my conclusion is that an opinion piece on Choco Tacos has no place on Buddyhead! This is bullshit! I’m calling my state representative right now!” But don’t worry, this actually is music-related. Just be patient and you’ll see. Besides, your state representative is probably too busy banging your mother to pick up the phone. BURN
Choco Tacos have long been the choice of the most discerning frozen pre-packaged dessert connoisseur. No one knows its exact origin, but the first historical record of Choco Taco consumption took place on May 29, 1574. On the day before his untimely death, King Charles IX of France was offered a croissant by his wife. He replied with “Léchez mon cul, salope! Je voudrais un Choco Taco putain! (Lick my ass, bitch! I want a fucking Choco Taco!)” [citation needed] The next day, he was hit by a bus while on his way to see Yes in concert.
Did you know that the accused conspirators in the Lincoln assassination were given Choco Tacos as their last meal before their execution on July 7, 1865? Of course, they shit them right back out when they died. I’m sure ol’ Honest Abe would have appreciated the irony. It’s unknown whether Lincoln himself was a fan of Choco Tacos, but it’s quite hard to fathom that he wasn’t. My heart swells with pride when I picture our sixteenth president sitting at his desk, signing the Emancipation Proclamation with one hand while trying not to get ice cream on it from the Choco Taco in his other hand. At least that’s what I hope my heart is swelling with, and not just cholesterol. America!
John Wayne, a.k.a. “The Thin White Duke,” never attempted to hide his passion for Choco Tacos, as you can plainly see in this unaltered photograph from the 1960’s. Any attempts to confront Mr. Wayne about it were met with a fist to the face (if he was in a good mood that day). Other famous celebs who are also unabashed Choco Taco enthusiasts include Alan Alda, Slim Pickens, the guy who sang the Mr. Belvedere theme song, Walter Mondale, Russia’s Czar Nicholas II, and Snow Dogs star Cuba Gooding, Jr. I don’t know about you, but when I hear that Cuba Gooding, Jr. likes something, I’m all over it like shit on rice. If you’re reading this, Cuba, call me sometime! We should go rollerblading next week! Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody that cool reads this page.
It causes me great mental anguish to consider that there are some folks out there who have never tried a Choco Taco. It’s sad that anyone would choose to waste their life like that. Why would you not want to be eating a Choco Taco right now, as Cuba Gooding, Jr. is undoubtedly doing as I type this sentence? It’s a waffle-cone shell filled with ice cream and fudge, and it’s topped with chocolate and peanuts! I don’t mean to sound harsh, but quite frankly, if that doesn’t make you salivate uncontrollably, you should probably be dragged out into the street and shot. We don’t need people like you polluting our society. Just wait until I’m president and you’ll see how serious I am about this.
I once bought a taco from a nearby taco stand — well, actually, it was just a guy in a van, but that’s beside the point — and then took it home and poured chocolate syrup on it. Then I ate it. I soon determined that that was not the wisest idea I’ve ever had. One should not tempt God by trying to make their own Choco Tacos at home. If man were meant to make their own Choco Tacos, Lloyd Bridges would still be alive right now, and he’d be doing commercials for Gold Bond medicated powder. Man, that would be weird. So just be glad that I took one for the team and ate a spicy chorizo taco coated in Hershey’s syrup. I did it so you wouldn’t have to. I’m like the Jesus of bad food combinations. Please send me a check for 10 percent of your weekly income.
Now, I know I said that this update would tie in to music somehow. Unfortunately, I was just fucking with you. It has nothing to do with music whatsoever. Sorry. I promise that the next thing I write will be an in-depth review of the new Rascal Flatts album! That will make you smile and say “Aah, this is the Buddyhead I know and love.” (see below)
Posted in gay, The Piper at the Gates of Dawn, Food and Drink, meathead |
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
all the flashing lights in this post are going to give me seizures.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I didn’t even know it existed but now I want a choco taco…
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Meathead, that was so awesomely non-sequitur. Can’t wait to see what you write about next.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I used to eat them almost everyday one summer until they removed them from the vending machine at work. EPIC TRAGEDY
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Well written, and also funny. I wonder what Walter Mondale is doing right now. Doesn’t matter, I still wouldn’t fuck him. Shit I wouldn’t fuck a dude, period. I mean, I’m not a fag…
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I like it’s it. Have you ever had one of those? This made me laugh.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
are they still 99 cents?
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:20 pm
NOW I remember why I haven’t come to this site since 2004.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Choco tacos are sick as fuck. Used to eat ‘em all the time last summer, and plan on doing so this summer. It was the only thing I did in Echo Park the vatos approved of, but they can go fuck themselves anyway. I’m going to try to work them into Casper’s diet if I can convince him to eat anything other than chicken tenders and popcorn.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Eat an extra one for me because we don’t have them here in ‘Oh, Canada, my home and native land.’ So, sad.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
no, meathead, not music-related. wait…people who make, and listen, to music often eat food (maybe even choco tacos), so i guess this is music-related after all. good job!
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
didn’t taco bell used to sell those? sweet post, especially the big about king chas IX and yes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
bit*
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:44 pm
john wayne was down with the dirty sanchez, not choco tacos.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:25 am
If I can say I know three things about Meathead, it’s that he likes Tostitos, Pop Tarts, and now Choco Tacos. I’m looking forward to the inevitable column on all the fun ways to recover from a heart attack.
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:00 am
Choco Tacos,now that’s something I can wrap my head around,and stuff down my gullet,can’t wait for the review of the new Rascal Flatts,if that will even happen,it probably won’t wait a fucking minute,Rascal Fucking Flatts,if I wanted to read about that shit I’d just go CMT.com or Mouthbreather.com,or some other lowest common denominator music site,but I am happy because I just got back from seeing the Night Marchers at the Larimer Lounge here in D-town,if fucking ruled,wait a minute Choco Tacos Yippeee!!!
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:27 am
the check’s in the mail.
May 3rd, 2008 at 9:34 am
Damn we were just talking about choco tacos. you must be a mind reader.
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
i thought this would tie into early Pink Floyd somehow cos of The Piper at the Gates of Dawn tag. way to dissapoint
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
amen meathead, amen.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:18 pm
A-mazing. I was just discussing choco-tacos last night, it certainly is that time of year isn’t it. in our discussions we determined that it is entirely possible that a stale choco-taco, with its chewy waffle layer, is perhaps better than a fresh choco-taco (if such a thing actually exists). what is your preference meathead?
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Hey, did anyone else notice the GOATSE (or however you spell it!) in the background of the top/main picture? If it is good going there Meathead. I was begginning to think people had forgotten about the GOATSE man!
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 pm
meathead, i like you man. but choco taco? i’m mean c’mon. just cause it’s mildly funny do you got to post it, censor yourself. put that shit on your myspace blog if you gotta get it out there. travis, i’d never go into someones house and tell them how to raise their kids but someone needs a fucking time out. choco taco.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:07 am
ahahah (Y)
May 4th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
weird. i had one today.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
hey meatstick..do us all a fovor and beer bong a gallon of bleech. Your pointless posts serve about as much a purpose as your actual birth..seriously, not funny or ironical..you suck. If you want to keep this kind of shit up i suggest you go back to writing for your highschool newspaper..knock it off dick pump.
May 6th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Yes are touring this year and early in the next. Guitar dude looks like Gollum out of Lord of the Rings.