Let’s get real
Hi, I’m Meathead. As you may recall, I’ve posted several articles here on Buddyhead over the past few weeks. But it’s all been a sham. I thought I could get away with it, but I soon realized that I had underestimated the intelligence of the average Buddyheadite. I now know better, and I hope you can forgive my mistakes.
When a person, regardless of sexual orientation, logs on to the internet and surfs to Buddyhead.com, they come to be informed of the latest happenings in the music business (or “biz,” as they’re calling it these days). People, like you, are very busy with everyday things like work, school, kids, mortgages, band practice, fixing that damn screen door again, Clive Barker novels, angioplasties, earwax, robbing Office Depot at knifepoint, potstickers, prayer meetings, getting your necktie caught in the ATM, oil changes, laundry, waterboarding, wearing form-fitting rubber suits, the Yankees, pushin’ th’ little daisies and makin’ ‘em come up, store-brand barbecue sauce, tax returns — you know, the daily grind. You simply do not have the time to sift through a bunch of unnecessary tripe, like a photograph of Hulk Hogan on acid. I mean, honestly, why should that even be on Buddyhead? What does it have to do with music, or anything else for that matter? No, you don’t want to see Hulk Hogan on acid. You come to Buddyhead for the straight-up facts; nothing more or less. You deserve to be presented with quality, informative writings, accompanied by relevant and visually appealing images.
When I first heard that Buddyhead was looking for new contributors for their website, I have to admit I got really excited. I thought it would be my big chance to finally be “in with the cool crowd,” or “down with the in crowd,” or whatever their slogan is. I’d finally have something more interesting to talk about at parties than the history of aluminum foil. Well, first I’d actually get invited to parties, and then I’d have something more interesting to talk about while I covertly transfer the contents of the cheese platter to my jacket pockets. I’d also get to finally have a cool haircut and maybe even get one of those wallet chains. All I had to do was convince Aaron (North) and Travis that I’m a normal person who enjoys and knows a lot of things about music.
I have to be honest here. I don’t really know a lot of things about music. I mean, I know who Eddie Vedder is, but I wouldn’t say that makes me an expert, and therefore I wasn’t sure I could even be a Buddyhead writer. But then I remembered those famous words uttered by Thomas Jefferson just before he was shot by Mexicans: “Fake it until you make it.” So I faked it. I wrote a letter to the Buddyhead guys telling them I know a lot of cool stuff about today’s music and that I have many rock stars’ phone numbers in my Rolodex. As proof of my alleged expertise, I lifted a review of some popular new band from the trendy Pitchfork website and attached it, along with my résumé, to my application. I don’t know why I thought Aaron and Travis wouldn’t catch on to my blatant plagiarism, but wouldn’t you know it, they didn’t. Aaron wrote back a short time later to tell me I’d gotten the job! Aaron reminded me, however, of the responsibilities that come with this prestigious job. He told me to stick to serious music journalism only: “None of that Meathead Perspective shit here, brah, this is Buddyhead!” Wow, it was so easy! He even referred to me as “brah.” I was finally a brah!
Unfortunately, due to my relatively low IQ, it didn’t occur to me until numerous hours later that I would need to find a way to maintain this façade of brahness. Certainly I couldn’t continue stealing ideas from Pitchfork. After giving it some earnest thought, I decided to take a break for a while, and do some Crown Royal shots while watching CNN. Suddenly, as if by magic, I broke free from the soothing, hypnotic trance caused by the whiter-than-whiteness of Lou Dobbs’ teeth, and the thought hit me: why don’t I just try to bullshit my way through it? It doesn’t matter what I say as long as I sound like I’m right when I say it. I mean, it works for Lou Dobbs.
And that’s exactly what I did. I wrote some articles which I thought would appear informative enough to pass muster at Buddyhead, then sat back and waited for the cool points to start racking up. Boy, was I in for a surprise! Turns out that my lack of knowledge didn’t go unnoticed, after all. I was quickly scolded by a number of eagle-eyed readers for not doing sufficient research before critiquing hot bands like Radiohead, Phil Collins, and So-And-So and the What’s-Their-Faces. Most recently, I attempted to review a new music video by the musical group Crystal Castles, and was immediately shot down. Apparently I’d gotten many crucial facts wrong, things that any real journalist would have known. I thought Crystal Castles had gotten their name from a computer game, but instead they got it from somewhere else. Rats! These glaring inaccuracies rendered my point, that the video sucked, completely and irrevocably moot. And more importantly, I had tarnished the Buddyhead name that Aaron and Travis had worked so hard to build over the years. For this, I am deeply sorry.
I can only hope that they, and you, can forgive my careless and grossly irresponsible charade, and allow me to continue my tenure here. While I may not be as “in the know” as the rest of you, I promise that I will do my best to educate myself as much as I can before writing about the artists you hold near and dear to your hearts, lest I offend anyone yet again. That is simply not what Buddyhead stands for.
Thank you for your understanding,
Meathead
P.S.: I was going to dedicate this column to the memory of Charlton Heston, but I don’t really want to get shot in the afterlife, so n/m.
P.P.S.: Vampire Weekend sucks so hard. I mean what the hell.
Posted in flipping on acid, Travis, aaron north, buddyhead, Music, gay, meathead |
April 16th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
ahaha
I’m pretty sure Aaron and Travis were thrilled by the amount of hate mail they got. you did them a favor :D
April 16th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
noooooo dont go meathead! i believe in you!
April 16th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Love the ween reference “push the little daisies” maybe buddyhead should take a page from their book and start blogging about the cheap canned food they eat…also does aaron have anything to do with this site anymore other than in name?
April 16th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
you’ve spent more time talking about yourself on here than travis and aaron ever did.
just shut up and write.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
fais pas chier mec ! j’écoute “in a gadda vida” de iron Butterfly et tu viens me parler de rien…..ciao L.A.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
..about yourself. Finished your sentence dude! What? You weren’t going for that?
April 16th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
dude, with you on the vampire weekend. so hard.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Don’t apologize Meathead. Music writers are way more likeable when not (falsely) copping a Matt-Pinfield-esque rock knowledge… fuck that nerd shit!
Carry on, brah.
Oh yeah, and Lou Dobbs could snobblog you into the ground.
He was hating on Crystal Castles months ago.
April 16th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
what do you think about guns n bombs?
April 16th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
bro,
your posts are the best. half of the douchebags that read this site don’t remember the good old days when buddyhead was for the children. I DO, and I LOVE YOU.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
You should make your own “Movies” version of the suck awful Crystal Castles song. Throw in some Vampire Weekend and who knows what kind of acid flashbacks we’ll be privy to?
April 16th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I find myself looking up Vampire Weekend videos on youtube over and over. It’s almost like I have to see one of their videos again to remember how bad they suck!
I bet you after reading your little tirade they have become a little more famous.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
pork chop sandwiches
April 16th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Why apologize dude?
It’s all a learning experience.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
You are correct. Vampire Weekend sucks the ass of the entire universe.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:14 am
I love how many people completely don’t get you, dude.
Win.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:35 am
meathead, fuck apologizing, get back to ripping on radiohead. that’s when you’re at your best sir.
p.s. what the heck is vampire weekend.
p.p.s what the fuck is vampire weekend.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:39 am
Yo Meathead you can’t leave man,you’re mission is not complete,you must continue to expose the absurdity of the whole hipster movement,your last post on Crystal Castles was spot on,and was 100% truth,I clicked on your post expecting an analysis on the life and times of the “Immortal”Hulk Hogan,instead I and all the Meatheadheads get an unnecessary apology for what,pissing off a few disgruntled Radiohead Uber fans,if your being forced off by the propreitors of this fine upstanding website,do what you have to do to stay on here,Do a Post on Oasis(that seems to be the general theme of this website nowadays),but do it from the meathead perspective,talk about the complex Relationship between the Brothers Gallagher,or who was the biggest dick in the whole Oasis-Blur fued,wait a minute I fogot who I was talking to,Just do a post on who has the thicker more prominent Unibrow Noel or Liam,shit would be gangbusters,do it for little Timmy,do it for all the starving children in Africa,do it for Jerry’s Kids,but most of all do it for the Loyal Buddyhead Reader,Your Country Needs you Meathead(Sorry for the Melodrama)!!!
April 17th, 2008 at 2:05 am
please don’t leave man, i enjoy reading what you wrote. And ditto for vamps weeks, they’re so overrated !
April 17th, 2008 at 3:26 am
Rest in peace James Brown. This part of an interview with Gloria Daniel (his ex-missus). Thought I’d share this beautiful memory of a soul-legend with you all. X
“One night in the summer of 2001, after he’d slathered her in Vaseline (“He liked you all greased up,” she says. “Like a porkchop”) and wore her out trying to come, he gave up and left the room, and Gloria dozed off. When she woke up, Mr. Brown was standing at the foot of the bed in a full-length mink coat over his bare chest, a black cowboy hat, and silk pajama pants with one leg tucked into a cowboy boot and the other hanging out. He had a shotgun over his shoulder and a white stripe of Noxzema under each eye. “I’m an Indian tonight, baby,” he announced. “C’mon, let’s let ’em have it.” Then he dumped a pickle jar of change on the floor, told her to get a machete, and went out to the garage. He took the Rolls, drove ten miles to Augusta, weaving all over the road, clipping mailboxes, smoking more dope, and screaming about being an Indian.”
April 17th, 2008 at 7:06 am
i have been waiting for a contributor like meathead for many moons. it was this hope that kept me coming back, even though most of the time i was treated (well, at least the last few years) to travis’ rants about how he’s got drugs to do and oasis records to listen to and how its no longer cool to keep up his website.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:53 am
dude, you’re doing great! don’t let the hipster haters bring you down.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:39 am
vampire weekend is some of the worst shit I have ever heard. There isn’t one thing good about that band. hipster.bullshit.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:39 am
yeah, Vampire Weekend lick nards.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I really can’t understand the appeal of Vampire Weekend. They’re a bunch of ivy-league dweebs that suckle at the teet of Paul Simon and supposed “afro-beat,” but end up sounding like the Talking Heads with down-syndrome. Someone needs to take these guys down a notch or two because they’ve been riding the hype-wave way too hard.
On another note, does anyone remember Sub Pop’s “pitchdork” site? I can’t find that shit anymore, but it surely applies to Vampire Weekend.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
vampire weekend BLOWS.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Don’t leave us meathead! You taught me and my estranged father how to be family again!
April 17th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Incredible. Did any of you fucktards read this entire post? You might want to go to dictionary.com and type in the word “sarcasm”.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Sorry j, but this one reads a lot more literal than his other posts. Plus, it’s a lot harder to pick up on this thing called “tone,” which is absolutely essential with sarcasm, when reading an internet article. “Fucktards” is a little harsh, though i did read the article as having a sarcastic tone, but this one kind of straddles the line between serious and sarcastic.
Why did i just type this? I don’t even know.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
why isn’t anyone talking about Travis’s band, The Follow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eXc0kVG1WQ&feature=related
April 17th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
April 17th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
That guy looks like a cross between that dude from Placebo, HIM, and a chick.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Fuck Vampire Weekend, the Paul Simon ripoff cuntwits.
Also, FUCK THE FUCKING FOLLOW. Saw them support NIN and they have been pushing that fucking Cure-ripoff song since then (2005). Seriously, they suck, you suck, I suck, but they suck more than us.
Oh, and the lead singer is going out with a hot hot girl and that is NOT ALLOWED!
April 17th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
j is right.
I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t, you know, want to insult the general intelligence of the readership.
as is, I have to give meathead near-andy kaufmann (sp?) levels of wit and clever for the “apology” he got people to buy.
atta boy.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:17 am
“Hi I’m Meathead. Me me me. I, I, I”.
Just bring some content, fucker, and we’ll give a shit about what you have to say eventually.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:18 am
blatant sarcasm.. wtf? how can anyone miss it? seriously, are you really that dumb?
April 18th, 2008 at 6:56 am
“..but I soon realized that I had underestimated the intelligence of the average Buddyheadite.”
LOL.
“When a person, regardless of sexual orientation, logs on to the internet and surfs to Buddyhead.com..”
LOL!!
April 18th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Meh. I’m curious to know what kind of music Meathead actually digs. No, i’m not trying to defend the bands he’s hated on becaue i dislike them, but i can’t escape the feeling that Buddyhead used to be about music.
Oh and by the way, pitchfork just wrote an entire rant on how great Crystal Castles are… it’s pretty funny in that “I’m laughing at you, not with you” kind of way. The writer talks about how cool the video game noises are… classic.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:36 am
That Hogan picture might be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. The little Nixons are the best part.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Who smells poo?
April 18th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Do us all a favor and swallow a hibachi knife..you suck at life.
April 18th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
i only started reading this site because of meathead’s contributions.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Anyone check out the scaz ragz The Ickyline has up on Ebay? Don’t the have free needle programs in California?
April 19th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Hang in there, meathead. I still love you (even though it means frequent trips to the STD clinic).
April 20th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Hey man don’t be so hard on yourself. Aaron and Travis suck just as hard as you do. Just keep on knocking down the liquor and wasting everyone’s time. That’s why we’re here anyways.
April 20th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Fuck you, motherfucker. We’re still going to throw down, bitch.
April 20th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Knock it off the crap with the fake persona’s, it’s childish, don’t ruin this site. Aaron and Travis put time into this, so did others. Same goes with the unintelligible Spam comments. This is not metal sludge, thank you…..
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Meathead, your posts are pretty entertaining, but frfucksake, brevity is a beautiful thing, give it a shot sometime. It’s difficult enough for most of us to focus our bloodshot eyes on a computer screen long enough to read a headline, but it’s even harder to make it through multiple paragraphs of distended irony and meaningless tangents. Shit, at least warn us from the get-go if we’re gonna be reading a long, pointless, self-indulgent apology so we can spend that time surfing for porn instead.
All that aside, keep up the good work.
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
actually, i come to buddyhead to muse about how their new header doesn’t look quite right, and to wonder why they never used “that thing i sent them”… followed, of course, by wallowing in misery at never gaining official “brah status”.
well, that and the meathead posts.
maybe i’ll give it another shot… if you can gain brah status, why can’t i?
thanks for the inspiration, meathead.
April 26th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Out of 10, how bad do you feel about Phil Collins apparently announcing his retirement?