A horse wearing a life jacket. Drink Coke!
Hi, I’m Meathead. You know what really pisses me the hell off? I mean seriously? Child rape. But that’s probably not a topic that really jibes with the whole Buddyhead aesthetic, so I’ll talk about that some other time when I can’t think of anything else. So you know what else pisses me off? Really vague ads that don’t tell you anything about the product and/or service being shilled, so as to make you say “Ooooo! I wonder what this could be!” and become so consumed by burning curiosity that you would have no choice but to shoot a kitten if that’s what it takes to find out more (and someday, it will). Like this one, for instance:
Provigil. What the hell is it? The name sounds vaguely vaginal, but it’s got a picture of a dude on it, so that’s a little confusing. Is it an anti-depressant? Does it make your testicles bigger and shinier? Does it provide much-needed relief for middle-aged white guys who suffer from the inability to stroke their chin convincingly? Judging from this ad, it could be any of these things. So what is it? Why won’t you fucking just tell us? Call me old-fashioned, but I pine for the days when advertisements would just tell you right up front what they’re trying to push on you. (Fun fact: that’s the first time I’ve used the word “pine” as a verb since 2002.)
I initially refused to give in to my curiosity, simply out of principle, but for the purposes of this shitty column, I went ahead, said “fuck it” and googled Provigil. I wasn’t about to give these motherfuckers the satisfaction of actually clicking their stupid banner, so this seemed to be a reasonable compromise. It would appear that Provigil is “a prescription medicine used to improve wakefulness in adults who experience excessive sleepiness (ES).” Of course! It’s so obvious now! So, wouldn’t you know it, they actually gave being tired a lot its own goddamned medical term, complete with its own fucking acronym and everything. Okay, that’s great. But, you know, it’s funny. I could have sworn there was a drug for excessive sleepiness (ES) already. Oh, wait, there is. It’s called COFFEE. Assholes.
Of course, this bullshit advertising gimmick has been used for years. Either be a dick and show just a tiny little teaser of whatever mystery product you’re selling and slap the date of THE BIG REVEAL on it, or simply apply your stupid logo to the most non-sequiturial image you can think of. Such as, perhaps, a guy smiling and stroking his chin, as if to say “Yeah, you’re going to click on me. You know it and I know it.” Fucking prick. But I guess I can’t really blame them too much for it because, after all, it does work. There are always plenty of idiots who’ll buy into that shit. I mean, look at Cloverfield.
OH MY GOD MEATHEAD DON’T U DARE MAKE FUN OF CLOVERFIELD ITS THE COOLEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE AND I WANT J.J. ABRAMS TO MAKE LOVE TO MY ASS
In the spirit of having nothing better to do, I thought I’d take a moment to envision a terrifying alternate reality in which everyone’s marketing department decided to adopt this winning strategy of not getting to the fucking point. See, that’s a subject much more of Buddyhead caliber– terrifying alternate realities. Okay! (Actually I just farted around in Photoshop for a few minutes)
Man last Saturday was so fucked up, I went to this wait nevermind, I’m done writing for tonight. Bye.
March 26th, 2008 at 1:05 am
There’s a certain irony in the fact that people have to click on the “continue reading” link for this article in order to find out what the hell Provigil is. :)
March 26th, 2008 at 1:26 am
I want a new iPod Nano.
March 26th, 2008 at 7:18 am
The only thought that came to mind while reading the above?
Vagasil. Which I then had to google. Because I don’t browse much while in the feminine hygiene isle - other shoppers tend to look down on you when the giggling & pointing starts
I’m now unsure as to which has me more disturbed - the mental image of dehydrated elderly people having lubing up for sex or a product developed for vaginal odor that can also cure atlethes foot (a rather curious image if you dwell just that leeettle bit too long on it)
In short I just wasted a good 25 minutes reading up on vaginal infections & STDs from sites that have grinning 13 year olds endorsing them. Thanks for the memories Meathead.
(And where’s my horse wearing a lifejacket?)
Though I fully intend on bringing the words ‘vaginal wand’ into everyday conversation
March 26th, 2008 at 7:19 am
what about Sierra Mist Free?
March 26th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Today my iPod Nano screamed at me because I got blood all over her…
March 26th, 2008 at 11:56 am
WHat about those stupid marketing campaigns that don’t mean anything. In the UK we have these supermarkets that say shit like “every little helps” and “Try Something New Today.” When you actually look at these bullshit slogans they are so ambiguous they don’t mean anything!
March 26th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
When I was in Europe my friends an I would try to guess what the commercials were for before they said the product name because they normally had nothing at all to do with the product. It pissed me off a little.
March 26th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
I’m suprised there are people who still notice and read ads. I thought most would be immune to that shit by now.
March 26th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I agree *ralle, TV ones are bathroom breaks for me….Computer ones, I never notice anymore!
March 26th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I gave aaron n some provigil once when he was still in the icarus line(does anyone remember when he was asking around for ritalin?). that shit is WAAAAY better than coffee.
March 26th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
LOL, come to Poland and watch billboards. you’d be fucked up and surely would shoot the kitten, haha! cheers
March 26th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
i’m absolutely positive Phil Collins is a positive energetic elderly man that rides track bicycles and does not need Provigil.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
man, the pharmaceutical industry is full of scam artists: “let’s not waste money looking for drugs to cure cancer or aids, let’s spend millions to develop a drug for something else. wait, we don’t know what it’s for…let’s make something up. call it “restless leg syndrome” and get these clueless assholes to go to the doctor and get subscribed our meds for a disease/syndrome that DOES NOT EXIST! WHOOHOO! WE’LL MAKE MILLIONS…HAHAHAHA!”
stupid americans! no wonder our healthcare situation is so fucked.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I really hate the “absurd humor” trend in commercials, where a guy is in a car with a sleeping wolverine or a talking baby uses a computer and pukes. It’s lower than the lowest common denominator, it’s retarded. But it doesn’t matter, cuz I can’t pay attention long enough to find out what they’re selling. And when I’m watching Guatemalan riots and exploding cars on “Most Shocking”, I just mute the commercials anyway.
March 27th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
i believe provigil was originally introduced as a treatment for narcolepsy, though some quack put me on it for add when i was 16. all it did was give me a headache. apparently it just doesn’t hold up next to good, old fashioned amphetamines. i thought they’d taken it off the market… oh well.
the nano ad and the mitsubishi one were gorgeous. you’re hired.
March 27th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
that Sierra Mist ad would sell a million sodas.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
funny post i know what u mean.the bee keeper ad struck my attention due to a bee phobia i have.i do like target, chilis, metamucil and ex-lax commercials. restless leg syndrome is a real thing so i take carbamazepine for it (among other reason). Carbamazepine is better than lithium. And lorazepam is better than smoking hash. Of course none of these meds have tv ads. They have been around a long time.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Funny post. For once.
http://homoecophagus.blogspot.com/
March 30th, 2008 at 4:05 am
This is most entertaining. But I think Buddyhead may have some stiff competition with this website: www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com
April 6th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Actually, Drug companies can’t legally tell you what the drug is used for, unless they also tell you the side effects. So for a banner add, that might get a bit wordy. But, nice article despite you not doing a bit of research before you started running your mouth. I really care that you care about ads so much. This is why I visit Buddyhead.
April 6th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
That was sarcasm.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
[…] I’m throwing sorries around, I’d also like to apologize to the guy who pointed out my lack of research when writing about that Provigil ad banner a couple of weeks ago. Oh shit, busted! I thought […]