Wow! 2008 flew by just like that. It was a hell of a year: Miley Cyrus lost her virginity and posed in a nude Annie Lebowitz that looked a bit too Mona Lisa, THE HILLS drew more viewers than any other program in MTV history, both Oasis and The Verve released killer records, for the first time ever a Presidential biopic was released while the sitting president was still in office (W. for George W. Bush), OJ Simpson ended up in the slammer (and not for murdering his wife), Sarah Palin said even dumber shit than Lil’ Wayne on Tha Carter III, some kids from Columbia with Sperry boat-shoes and a Twilight sounding band name released their version of Paul Simon’s Graceland, Brad Renfro, Heather Ledger and Bernie Mac passed on before their time, George Carlin bit the dust before ever making an unfunny joke, Lindsay Lohan vowed to only chew cunt in the future, Jay-Z beefed with The Gallagher brothers, some assholes got bummed when the gays wanted to elope in Los Angeles, Kanye West released a shit-like-water diarrhea of an album called 818 and HoneyBaked, a pregnant man had a baby, Patrick Swayze (or shall I say The Bodhi Zypha) got pancreatic cancer that I seriously hope he quickly overcomes, the economy crashed, Travis Keller moved homes about seven or nine times, am I missing anything?
OH YEAH!! Back in November, we got a FUNKY ASS, KOOL-AID SIPPING, BASKETBALL-OVER-BOWLING, LUTHER VANDROSS LISTENING, HOT MICHELLE MARRYING, JAY-Z FRIENDING, BLACK PRESIDENT NAMED BARACK OBAMA WHO HOPEFULLY IS GOING TO SAVE OUR COUNTRY FROM BECOMING PAKISTAN!
Among other great things released this year, (I’ll leave the tunes to Travis and company), some really fresh movies came out that you must see before awards season. Pretty soon it’ll be time for The BAFTAs, The Golden Globes, and as always, The Academy Awards, live on ABC, February 22, 2009. (I’m totally nerding out right now, can’t you tell?) Here’s a blow by blow account of everything you should see, skip, or seek out in your NetFlix queue. Because nothing says let’s fuck more than a Blockbuster night in with a joint, a copy of Tropic Thunder and some Astroglide.
MUST SEE:
1) The Wrestler, directed by Darren Aronofsky:
Mickey Rourke is fuckin’ back and uglier than ever! Marissa Tomei’s ass has never looked juicer (like a peach, I could eat it), but Rachel Evan Wood should’ve stuck to bangin’ Marilyn Manson; she was the wackest part of the whole package. However, deep down is a tragic, poignant small film about a man at the end of his rope, on the verge of a breakdown, about to turn in his library card. Not only is Rourke’s portrayal of Randy “The Ramm” touching, it is downright funny without trying (the scene where the men talk about their moves before getting into the ring). Honestly, I know I will never deal with the issues of being an over-the-hill wrestler, but, as I said to Roddy Roddy Piper while taking a piss next to him at the premiere, “Great movie, huh?” He looked at me, still pissing and said, “man, that hit home on a lot of levels, you have no idea, especially about not being there for my family.” Whoa. Pretty heavy for piss chatter, huh guy. But he’s right. The movie is so authentic, almost damn near perfect. The Wrestler gives you it’s all, punch by punch, until there’s nothing left but a black screen and Bruce Springsteen. It’s unrelenting.
2) Man On Wire, directed by James Marsh:
James Marsh’s documentary about Philippe Petit, the crazy Frenchman who dared to walk across the World Trade Center towers on a tightrope. Gripping. Scary. Breathtaking. Catch this on DVD as it is no longer in theatres. You’re girlfriend will think you’re intellectual and shit.
3) The Dark Knight, directed by Christopher Nolan:
Unless the old Jews included in the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and Sciences all choke on their corn beef sandwiches en masse, you can bet your bottom dollar that Heath Ledger will be posthumously taking home an Oscar this coming February. Initially, I thought Ledger as the Joker was a miscast, but this was obviously before I saw the film and I was completely wrong. Chris Nolan does what no other big A list Hollywood director could: make an eerie, dark, brooding Superhero Movie that was ripe with story AND action. Not just the latter via flashy VFX. Side by side with Spider-Man, another blockbuster superhero movie, TDK seems completely in another league of filmmaking. Nobody before Nolan has made something so disgustingly commercial ($996,826, 853 in box office gross) and so damn morbid; Ledger’s death only adds to the continually mythologized mystique surrounding the film and its production process. I know what you’re thinking: Iron Man. Yeah, it is also a great and awesome and badass commercial film. Bob Downey Jr. is an epic Tony Stark, but he’s no Batman, dude. He’s no Patrick Bateman. Yeah, Maggie Gylenhall is worthless, but unless you live in Darfur, you should have already seen this twice by now. What are you, new? Batman, duh, only the coolest superhero of all time.
4) Milk, directed by Gus Van Sant
I’d never heard of this queer 1970′s hippy politician, Harvey Milk, either. That was until I got stoned and peeped James Franco doing a swan-dive a-la David Hockney nude into a blue abyss of a pool while Sean Penn stands poolside lobbying for equal rights. Look, Sean Penn is great in anything. I’d watch him hang drywall for three hours. However, with Milk, he steals the movie, and really makes you feel for the guy and what it was like to be a homosexual in 60′s/70′s era San Francisco, and I must admit, as a dude living in West Hollywood in 2008, some things haven’t changed. People are still intolerant fucktards with narrow minds. Point is: get off your ass and get into the theatres to see this if you still can. I don’t want to get into too much or I fear I’ll spoil the film, but it really is a plentiful slice of cake. Got Milk?
5) Slumdog Millionaire, directed by Danny Boyle
You’ve heard the M.I.A. song. You’ve seen the trailer (and I’m not talking about Pineapple Express). If you at home reading this is not named Stevie Wonder I ask why haven’t you gone out to see this fresh, uplifting love story about a boy and his quest for Latika, his love, and although while playing a game of chance on India’s Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, he learns that everything in life ends up having to do with something else, that nothing really happens by coincidence, that it is written. Danny Boyle did Trainspotting, guys. The guy’s a fuckin’ badass. The editing, the sound, the acting, even the climbing through toilet/shit scene as an homage to his previous Ewan McGregor “worst toilet in all of Dublin” scene, all of it is brilliant. They don’t make films this special very often. If you like Slumdog you should also check out Millions, another Danny Boyle film about a British boy who loses his mother but finds a duffle bag with a million Euros when it falls from the sky. Take your girlfriend to see this; you’ll schtup (that’s Jewish for fuck) after, I promise.
6) The Wackness, directed by Jonathan Levine (nice name, ya, heeb!)
Some of you might talk shit on this choice, but I could care less. This is a poignant little film about adolescence and heartbreak in NYC during the summer of 1994. Biggie Smalls and Fresh Prince ruled the airwaves, Nirvana on the other end of the radio spectrum, and well, life was simple. No Facebooks, mySpaces, blackberries, YouTubes, or shithead redneck presidents. Ben Kingsley and Josh Peck make a great team of a young man/old boy duo, smoking weed, graffing the streets of the LES, and running into a hippy dippy Mary-Kate Olsen, whom I might add, doesn’t look so rail-thin anymore, even if she still can’t act. The soundtrack to this film rules if you’re into old-school hip-hop. Finally, if Olivia Thirlby’s portrayal of Steph doesn’t make your penis go “ehh!” I suggest you drop an anvil on your penis; it’s useless.
7) Vicky Cristina Barcelona, directed by Woody Allen (What is it, Hanukah? What’s with all the Jews?)
Woody Allen is Woody Allen: weird, quirky, and always heart-warming, composing films with the setting in mind as a character. What New York was to Annie Hall and Manhattan, or London to Match Point, Spain, Barcelona specifically, adds a wonderful new setting for which Woody Allen to have his actors play on in VCB. Javier Bardem is fabulously sexy as a machismo artist, while Penelope Cruz is fucking hilarious as the hysterical ex-girlfriend. ScarJo is SoSo, and the other chick is pretty good too, but a bit too timid for my taste, which I guess was the point. Either way, you need to see this because it’s Woody Allen and because it’s light and fun. Did I mention it’s a Woody Allen love story set in Barcelona with Javier Bardem, ScarJo, and Penelope Cruz?
ANVIL! : The True Story of Anvil, directed by Sacha Gervasi:
In the mid eighties three bands ruled the heavy-metal festival circuit: Metallica, Megadeth, and Anvil. The first two went on to become Metallica and Megadeth, selling millions of records and tour the world, while Anvil faded into obscurity. This epic, hilarious, sensitive documentary will take you on a journey of ups and downs, failures and successes, and the harsh reality that not everybody gets to be a rock star. However, although not detailed in the film, this story does have a happy ending. EMI is releasing the newest ANVIL record to coincide with the film’s limited UK release. The boys just have a taste of fame and fortune after all. If you liked Some Kind of Monster you will love ANVIL!
9) Defiance, directed by Edward Zwick:
This true tale of the heroic Bielski brothers of Belarusia, a trio of men who saved hundreds of Jews during the Holocaust by setting up colonies in the forests, complete with hospitals and schoolhouses. However, unlike many people who were too afraid at the time, these Jews fought back. This movie is like Munich in that it’s Jew kicking ass, but this time it’s Nazi ass that they’re kicking. Liev Shcriber and Daniel Craig give brilliant performances of the blistering cold Bielski brothers, tasked with protecting many, many lives during the worst of times. Also, Jamie Bell, the gentlemen playing the younger Bielski brother is off the charts. He pretty much steals the movie from Schriber and Craig. Go see Defiance. Get an education.
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10) Twilight, directed by Catherine Hardwicke:
Fuck you, I’ll explain: The movie is whatever, it’s about the business of film. Listen, Twilight is a tiny movie made for around twenty million dollars. It was bought from turnaround from Paramount Pictures by Summit Entertainment (whose CEO Rob Friedman used to run Paramount) and then developed and produced by said company. This is a BIG DEAL and I’ll tell you why. Making movies isn’t a sure thing anymore. A list actors don’t mean box office boffo anymore. Sometimes even Nicole Kidman can’t open a flick. The point is this: Summit Entertainment, which is a medium-sized and independent film production/distribution company can have a huge success based on nothing but a great property (i.e. The Twilight series by Stephenie Meyers) and some cute tween actors. It proves that you don’t need to be one of the major 9/10 studios that can pay for pre, production, post, P&A (Prints and Advertising) and pay to distribute a successful film all over the world, and that you can be the small guy, take a chance, and still WIN BIG in Hollywood. The economy is suffering, so this is a good thing for “independent cinema” which doesn’t really exist anymore. Anyway, somebody at Paramount lost their job for saying “vampires and teenagers don’t work” after the success of Twilight. Sometimes when the stars align, Hollywood can still be a place where small dreams are made big. It’s only entertainment, folks. It’s a fuckin teen movie. You know what: I’ll admit it. I saw this in the theatres and didn’t mind it for one bit. I can see why fourteen-year-old Mexican girls shit themselves over this. My only regret is that I didn’t think of it. Duh: Dawson’s Creek meets The Lost Boys.
TO CONSIDER:
I haven’t seen the following films but I know they are all critically acclaimed and well worth viewing:
Waltz With Bashir, by Ari Folman: a mature animated epic about the Middle Eastern conflict. Was a big hit at Cannes Film Festival, 2008 (trust me, I was there).
Gomorrah, by Matteo Gorroni: a City Of God type gangster film about the inside dealings of the modern day Italian mob. The key art is priceless: kids with Uzi’s in nothing but Nike’s and tighty-whiety underpants.
Wall•E, by Andrew Stanton: listen, I know everyone shit themselves over this cute little fucking robot. I’ll get to it. It’s on my list of things to do, next to visiting Disneyland.
Revolutionary Road, directed by Sam Mendes: a 1960′s MADMEN-ish drama for the big screen, Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet doing their thing, the chemistry from Titanic still ever present (fun fact: they played “My Heart Will Go On” on set to get the actors in the mood).
DON’T BOTHER:
1) Burn After Reading by the Coen Brothers:
Riding the success of No Country, the brothers rounded-up their A list friends and made a self-indulgent piece of shit. Yeah, it all comes together in a Zany Coen brothers why. But as the dudes who made Fargo, Lebowski, Raising Arizona, and No Country For Old Men, this is what you followed it up with? C’mon, man. Malkovich is dope, but use him for something worthwhile. I’m a big film nerd, and I generally love the Coens. But unless you have nothing else better to watch, put this in the pile with Intolerable Cruelty, under garbage.
2) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button by David Fincher:
I haven’t seen this two hour and forty-five minute epic for two reasons: one, I hear it’s garbage from anyone whose opinion is worth listening to, and second, because I have a life, a job, and bills to pay. I can’t give three hours of my life unless I’m getting paid, or unless you’re presenting me with Schindler’s List or The Dark Knight.
3) The Love Guru by Marco Schnabel:
Oy vey! What’s the matter Mike Meyers? Couldn’t shit out another Austin Powers script. This reeks worse than one of Fat Bastard’s shits. Just Timberlake, really? Just when I was giving you props for fucking Jessica Biel and chillin’ with T.I.
Wow, that was a shit load of information. Whether or not you agree, I hope you take the time to see more movies. They’re really still the most powerful form of art. Sorry, music guys. Records can’t compete with film. Even a Led Zeppelin record can be made into a shitty movie (check out The Song Remains The Same if you like Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter movies…Robert Plant rides a horse through the woods with a torch and shit looking for Mordor). You ain’t ever gonna see a shitty vinyl version of Top Gun. We got rid of Laser Discs years ago! Let’s go big in 2009, lots of movies, lots of love, lots of babes.
