Punk is fuckin’ dead. Capitalism is hip. Buy a Cadillac, pop a bottle of Krug (Cristal is for peasants), eat a piece of apple pie, feel free to rock an “I Love America” T-shirt! Money! Whoo! Shit’s important! Hey man, you can’t pay your landlord with Donruss Darryl Strawberry rookie cards forever. Wanna know what punk means today? It means being smart enough to take stock options at your job when applicable! There’s no pride in poverty. Just ask Travis. The Dead Kennedys are fuckin’ dead (I heard the lead singer, like, sold his first name to a gelatin company, cashed out, and that’s why the band broke up). The Sex Pistols were poseurs, marionettes for Malcolm McLaren’s joke—they were his idea of fashion. Iggy Pop has done tracks with Sum 41 since Fun House. The only person more punk than O.G. Johnny Cash performing at Folsom is this crazy masseur chick (see below) who took a job at Google seven years ago as an office masseuse and cashed out last week as a multi-millionaire. That’s right, homies.

Photo Credit: Misha Erwitt for The New York Times

Bonnie Brown of San Fransisco originally applied for the job back in 1999 when Google had only 40 employees. Her initial take home pay was a meager $450/week. Guess who’s laughing now? She cashed out last week as the Google stock reached an all-time high of $700 a share. This chick could buy and sell Billy Corgan. She could hire The Gypsy Kings to play her kid’s Quinciñera fourteen times over and still have some cash to buy records.

Bonnie is in the middle of publishing her novel, “Giggle: How I got Lucky Massaging Google.” Pretty smart lady, huh? This woman is retiring her hands (wonder if her job description included HJ’s?) for good. Now she’ll be the one being pampered. According to The New York Times, “it is estimated that 1,000 people each have more than $5 million worth of Google shares from stock grants and stock options.” Damn, I wish I had jumped on that train instead of hitting Taco Bell/Val Surf the afternoon the IPO was raffled off to regular schmucks like you and I, Lotto style.

Anyway…keep your ears to the streets and your eyes on the tech stocks if you’re thinking about investing. Apple, Inc. (AAPL) is a sure bet. They’ve got a hold on everything: music, movies, ringtones, cell-phones, and the new Leopard OS makes Microsoft Vista look like Sega Genesis. Think of how many assholes buy a song on iTunes in a day…do the math…it’s insane. Although Apple’s price per share is expensive as fuck (even after crashing 20 points this past week it’s at a whopping $165.37), there is never a better time to buy then now. You’re almost guaranteed to make money—no matter how much you invest. Start small. 100 shares will do your pocketbook just fine. As I said before, making money is punk. How else are you going to fund your fervor for screw-in spikes, Deicide back-patches, and rhinestone belts? Who knew dressing so homeless could be so expensive?

(Look at Mike Douglas in Wall Street. What a badass. Even he’s punk)

Another tip: Research In Motion—RIMM—the company that makes your mobile Pinkberry device run flawlessly was also at an all time high—with a price per share of $134.7—before it came crashing down with the rest of the NASDAQ this past Friday. My advice to you: buy RIMM and AAPL before Christmas while they’re currently down from yearly highs, right before all the new shiny gadgets and gizmos come out for the holiday season. Think about how many assholes you see sporting iPhones and Blackberrys PER DAY. Again, do the math in your head. It’s baffling. All cell-phones are going the way of the PDA, iPhone and Blackberry in particular.

One thing’s for sure: if Johnny Cash were a stock, I guarantee you he’d be Google. Or he’d at least invest in a few mutual funds. Be smart. Be punk. You owe it to yourself to heed my advice: Apple and Research In Motion—BUY! Wu-Tang Clan said it best, “Cash Rules Everything Around Me.”