It’s all kind of a blur now. It was a week ago at the infamous Restabit Tavern, in Mine Hill, New Jersey, where somewhere between saggy tits, NASCAR memorabilia, flat beer, and the broken touch screen video poker game we saw what appeared to be one of the members of San Diego Power-violence band, The Locust. We spent most of the night staring at him, and wondering what the fuck he was doing in a New Jersey Go Go bar. We ended up following him to a local Dunkin Donuts, and while we’re not completely sure if this guy is 100% legit, we figured he looked the part, so let’s ask him for an interview. We asked some questions over coffee, and he responded with some really strong socio-political commentary.
Interview and Pictures by The Mangina and Gary fucking Busey
Buddyhead: Hey aren’t you in The Locust?
The Locust: Yeah, I’m in a band. We’re all about whores.
Buddyhead: Great, can we interview you?
The Locust: Sure.
Buddyhead: Please state your name and what you do in the band.
The Locust: CUT! Shut the fucking camera off, you’re fucking with me man.
Buddyhead: No we’re not, we love The Locust. They’re our homies. So what are you doing at Dunkin Donuts?
The Locust: (pointing at cashier) They’re throwing out donuts, and this motherfucker won’t give me any.
Buddyhead: So what’s your name?
The Locust: I’m in a band.
Buddyhead: Mmmhm… ok. So what’s the overall band philosophy of The Locust?
The Locust: The philosophy of this band is that whore’s run this band. They have since the beginning. We did the drugs, and now it’s the whores. That’s the way a rock n roll band should be. If you’re not getting laid and you’re not on drugs, you’re not rock n roll.
Buddyhead: Can you tell us a story of whores and drugs?
The Locust: This morning I was in the shower and I dropped the soap and pissed on it. It was fucking amazing.
Buddyhead: Hmm… ok. So how important is fashion to your band?
The Locust: Well you know man, we invented the fucking ape scene. You won’t see anyone dressed like apes that didn’t do it because we did it first. That’s why people come to see our band. They don’t come to see us for our music, because our music sucks, they come to see us because we dress like fucking apes.
Buddyhead: You have a pretty good physique. I mean, look at your tits! Can you flex for us.
The Locust: (staring at his donut) I’m going to fuck this donut. Have you ever fucked a donut man? These fucking things are amazing. Blueberry cake donuts are so fucking tight.
Buddyhead: So this interview is for Buddyhead…
The Locust: Man, those guys are pieces of shit. Travis and Aaron are gay and not the “cool” gay like us.
Buddyhead: Have you ever heard of Shat?
The Locust: Yeah, they’re like the Buddyhead house band, they fucking suck. What a shitty fucking name. But, we do have some things in common like we’re both P.C. We are both very Pro Cunt. We love the cunts.
Buddyhead: So where were you tonight, what did you do?
The Locust: I blew a load in my pants.
Buddyhead: What did you do with it, did you clean it up?
The Locust: No, I put it in my pocket and used it to glaze my donuts. When you’re on tour, you have to save money. I bought a plain and made it a glazed.
Buddyhead: Tell us a band story. We hear you guys are a crazy band.
The Locust: (ponders for a moment) The women man. It’s the cave man outfits. They want you to treat them like the cave people did and drag them to the fire while sticking big clubs in their asses. It’s like they’ve never seen fire before, and we show it to them. Then we thumb them.
Buddyhead: Thumb them?
The Locust: Yeah, It’s like fisting, but with thumbs.
Buddyhead: Yeah, we read somewhere on a message board that the Locust was into fisting.
The Locust: Well we’re all about 16 year old girls now, and with them, it’s like thumbing is like fisting to them. Do you understand?
Buddyhead: Mmhmm…
The Locust guy proceeds to stand up and walk behind the counter into the Dunkin Donuts kitchen. He was gone for roughly a two minute time period, during which we heard: “I’m in a band, have you ever heard of us. The Locust! The Locust wants donuts!” Then he comes back with two donuts and his pants around his ankles. He had 5 giant zits on his ass which we stared at in absolute horror. He sat back down and started licking the donuts as if to simulate the tossing of another person’s salad.
Buddyhead: So, what are you going to do with that (donut)?
The Locust: I’m going to fuck it.
Buddyhead: That’s way punk rock. Do you guys fuck a lot of donuts?
The Locust: Donuts and fat girls equally.
