We were completely blown away when our request to interview Fred Durst himself was answered with a “no problem” by his management company. When we finally met up with Fred, we were absolutely astounded at how civil and cooperative he was. We were all able to put our differences aside for a few minutes, and have a casual, honest conversation with perhaps the biggest frontman in rock today. The fact that he insisted on his “friends” being present for the interview was slightly strange considering they were nothing more than blow up dolls, but we were willing to forget about that and hear Fred out anyway.
Buddyhead – So Fred… tell us about the current situation of Limp Bizkit. Apparently you’ve lost your guitar player. Was it because he wanted to focus on his side project band Big Stupid Head, or what?
Fred – No. I tried to fuck his girlfriend and he got pissed for some reason. What a weirdo.
Buddyhead – How absurd. So now you’re in the middle of holding tryouts for a new guitar player at guitar centers across the country. How is that working out?
Fred – It’s great. We’re getting tons of publicity by pretending like we care about our fans. Like we’d pick some dumb kid to be in the greatest band in the world! In the end I’ll probably just nab the guitar player in Puddle of Mudd or another one of those bands I’ve concocted. It’s been fun though. Lots of other obese jocks coming out to show their support.
Buddyhead – But at one of these guitar player tryouts you had a pie thrown in your face by somebody who obviously doesn’t like you. What was that about?
Fred – Oh no, no, you misunderstood that. The person who did that was actually a very big Limp Bizkit fan. So big in fact that he knew all about my daily eating habits, and that in order to function properly throughout my day, I must consume at least 7 meals a day. This loyal fan recognized I had been at the guitar tryout all day and had only probably gotten in about 3 meals that day. It was, after all, already 1:00 in the afternoon. He was trying to give me an emergency blast of cream pie directly into my mouth so I could keep up my energy and pick the proper 7-string guitarist at the end of the day.
Buddyhead – Oh gotcha, he’s a hero then. How has that whole thing been going? Have you found the right replacement yet?
Fred – I don’t think so. If this guitar center approach doesn’t work, we’re going to have to go straight to the foundation of the Limp Bizkit fanbase, and hold tryouts at wrestling events and trailer parks.
Buddyhead – Sounds like a good plan. Hope that works out for you.
Fred – It should. At the very least, I’ve been getting tons of great song ideas from all the musically challenged 15-year-olds that I’ve been watching try out. I hear the same retarded chugga riffs over and over all day, and it just inspires me to come up with our own retarded chugga riffs. Shit, the truth is we don’t really have to. We made all those dumb kids sign waiver forms that said we own everything they play in front of us. Now instead of having to spend any time at all writing our next album, we just go to the audition tapes for ideas. It frees up more time for me to bang my close friends here.
Buddyhead – Uhhhhh mmmk. How is your bald spot doing? I’ve noticed you’ve been able to keep the hat on at all times to keep that shiny dome of yours from showing itself.
Fred – I’ve been able to keep it out of the spotlight, yes. If “the kids” knew that in fact I wasn’t a part of their “g-g-generation” like I’ve said before, and that in fact I am really just a balding corporate rock record exec yes-man in his mid thirties trying to hide it by dressing like a 15 year old, I might have to get a job at Burger King again.
Buddyhead - Right, right good job on that. So you’ve signed The Revolution Smile to your Flawless record label. Are you going to make them spell their name wrong now so they fit in better with the rest of the roster?
Fred – Well, I mean look at the pattern of success in modern rock these days. If you wanna be successful, your best bet is to spell your band name wrong. It’s good to show the retards who buy albums from Korn, Staind, Puddle Of Mudd, Limp Bizkit etc. etc. that we’re just like them and don’t know how to spell either. It makes an immediate connection with our lower level intelligence fanbase. So yeah, if those guys feel like really moving some units, we’ve already suggested re-naming the band Da Revoluzionn Smyle. I don’t know if they’re gonna budge though.
Buddyhead – Yeah, we doubt it. Well Fred, thanks for your time. What are you going to do now?
Fred – Me and the ladies here are about due for some quality time together, if you know what I mean.
Buddyhead – Not really, but we’ll leave you alone anyway. Good luck dude.
