Buddyhead's Rules for Audiences of Rock

1) Don’t sing if you aren’t one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented ass sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go see Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus with mad zits standing next to you singing “Sober” really loudly and out of key in your ear is enough to murder mother fuckers for.

2) Also, if the singer on stage does decide to either: pass the mic around for the “sing along” song, or: motion to the audience to sing aloud at key moments, and you know beforehand that your singing ability is severely limited, you MUST waive your “sing along” rights. Leave the crowd participation parts to those that do not fall under the “musically retarded” category.

3) This is possibly the oldest rule in the book· yeah, you know what we’re talking about· don’t be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, that’s why you’re here, you don’t need to wear their SHIRT to their show as well.

4) Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana shirts at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to Brazil show, no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.

5) The “merch guy” is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants to do is get through the night without having to talk to your lame ass. That means that he doesn’t want a copy of your weak ass emo band’s demo to pass along to the band. The only reason he might talk to you is because you either A) Know where to get drugs. B) Your girlfriend is hot, and by talking to you he can K.G.B. his way into her pants. C) You are willing to pay him for the time in his life that he’s wasted talking about how much he likes the band’s first out of print seven inch D) Know where he can get either drunk or high for free or E) He’s making fun of you. Most likely it’s E. In fact, it’s mostly E, I mean look at yourself, you’re striking up conversation with a merch jockey.

6) Dancing is ok, as long as you don’t get all fruity. Air-instruments are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone, air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don’t get me started on air-saxophone.

7) If you yell out “Play some Skynyrd”, you deserve immediate castration. This isn’t funny unless your name is either Beavis or Butthead. Shut the fuck up, we all know you’ve never heard Skynyrd. You think Earth Crisis invented music back in 1990. Don’t give somebody another reason to stab you.

8) Don’t be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU LIKE THE BAND! THAT’S WHY YOU ARE AT THE FUCKING SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH OF ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don’t be the four buff guys in the Jeep at the show· period. This rule applies to everybody. You don’t need to listen to the band you’re going to see on the way to seeing them.

9) Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their testicles pureed. You’re tall dumb ass, get in the back, or at least back a few rows.

10) Don’t yell songs at the band, especially if it’s not a super rare song or something. Yelling “ENTER SANDMAN” at the Metallica show is second only in retardation to drooling on yourself and walking really funny with a walker. NO SHIT THEY’RE GONNA PLAY ENTER SANDMAN DUDE. Keep it in your pants, they’ll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is ok.

11) Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.

12) Don’t take off your shirt. We know you’re sweaty dude, taking off your wife beater isn’t going to stop that.

13) Don’t be that fat lame bitch that gets crushed at the front of the stage at the barrier. Every time there’s a real big show, some grotesquely fat chick thinks it would be swell to get as close to the singer of Blink182 as possible, and that nobody else there has the same idea. 3 songs into the set, the bouncers have to pull her obese fainting ass over the barricade. Don’t be this pathetic piece of pasty lard.

14) Don’t buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks homeless· unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long and 3 feet wide. Oh wait, that probably fits your fat ass perfectly.

15) No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it’s a Shat show, then it’s ok.

16) People who stand outside the whole time, and never go inside to watch any of the bands should be shot in the face. Yeah bitch, we know you don’t really like the music and just use your pseudo post emo look as a social façade to hopefully get laid and shit, but your presence at shows besides annoying everybody and making it harder to move around is useless. Go home and play on the internet and revise your makeout club profile you twat.

17) Don’t be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don’t want to hear about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about it.

18) Newsflash for kids starting a new band· it doesn’t matter how many flyers you make for that first show you’re playing at that coffeehouse· if you pass this flyer out to every last fucker in front of the show, NOBODY WILL CARE AND NOBODY WILL COME. We don’t care about Shit Skittle’s debut performance brah. It’s almost as if the people passing out these flyers assume that people are walking out of the show thinking, “Gee, I really don’t have anything to do at all next weekend. I wish there was some shitty show going on somewhere really out of the way with bands I’ve never ever heard of and don’t know what they sound like that I could go to.” It’s not happening bro and never will. Keep practicing.

19) No crying.

20) When there’s a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they don’t have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3′s on their website or something, don’t be the jackass at the front of the stage singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you’re the geeky super fan who likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you’re making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan enthusiasm.

21) “Moshers” who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their kung fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get clobbered and fall to the ground– no wait, keep doing that, it’s funny.

22) Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their last song, you think it’s a good idea and really cool to jump up on the stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks. Well· we know you’re real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get your porky and dorky ass off the stage. The band doesn’t want you up there that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.

23) If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they’re loading equipment out at the end of the night and you don’t at least offer to help, you deserve to be cut into little fucking pieces. The band wants to get the shit in the van and get the fuck out of your dumb ass corn & wheat truckstop town, and you’re not helping matters.

24) Street team people passing out the latest Mudvayne cassette sampler in front of the show should be crucified. Yeah, give me a tape dude. I want a fucking Mudvayne tape.

In a band, or like to pretend you’re in a band? Click here for Buddyhead’s Rules of Rock.

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